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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp constantly scrutinising everything I do

60 replies

Jeena573 · 03/10/2023 23:22

He is constantly scrutinising and criticising absolutely everything I do.

an example of tonight alone, after he returned from work within 10 minutes this is what I got…

he first was annoyed that I had put Halloween decorations in the living room. At Halloween/Xmas etc I love to decorate and the dc are so excited for Halloween they begged to put the decs up.. so ofcourse I did it to make them happy. It was until afterwards I realised it is rather early! Equally I’m not too bothered, as long as my kids are happy these are minor things. Dp was very annoyed basically telling me it is stupid to do it this early and to take them down. It’s not the point he was making that’s the issue, it was the fact at how annoyed it made him. is it really worth getting that worked up over? The home is spotless clean and tidy what are some decs harming anyone?

next I have put 3 items of my clothing in the washing machine that I wanted to wear tomorrow, just on a quick wash. I don’t usually do that but also don’t see the issue. He questioned what wash setting I put my clothes on, what items I am washing etc. he then began criticising and picking at that. Questioning why I did it etc etc.

it is SO frustrating. Everything I do is criticised. I’m sure a lot of men wouldn’t even notice their wives using the washing machine let alone to be so bothered about what setting it’s on?

that is just a quick example of 10 minutes of him being home from work. This is every day, even looking in the bin to see what has been thrown away and question on things. it’s irritating me and I feel like I can’t make any of my own decisions! Like I have to do things his way.

OP posts:
spookehtooth · 03/10/2023 23:37

Having an opinion is fine, expressing them in that way and attempting to boss you around the way you describe sounds awful. Particularly as it sounds like a regular thing. I'm expecting a whole slew of posts after this with various forms of outrage and suggestions that maybe this man needs to be binned. What redeeming qualities does he have?

Zanina · 04/10/2023 01:43

Sounds like he is teaching you to seek his permission before you do anything / you can't possibly know better than him or everything you do is wrong etc it's controlling . Time to get angry I'd say

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/10/2023 02:20

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise marriage made you my supervisor for life. How does that work?"

PerfectMatch · 04/10/2023 02:28

Looking in the bin to see what you've thrown away - wtf? He sounds controlling. Have you told him how annoying this is?

Disturbia81 · 04/10/2023 02:52

spookehtooth · 03/10/2023 23:37

Having an opinion is fine, expressing them in that way and attempting to boss you around the way you describe sounds awful. Particularly as it sounds like a regular thing. I'm expecting a whole slew of posts after this with various forms of outrage and suggestions that maybe this man needs to be binned. What redeeming qualities does he have?

Yep.. I wouldn't live like this for a week.
Being criticised like this all the time wears you down, chips away at you and ultimately means you don't like being around this person anymore.
Has he always been like this?

Bananalanacake · 04/10/2023 06:01

How would he react if you replied "oh yeah, umm" to everything in a disinterested way. In other words walk off and ignore

NorthCliffs · 04/10/2023 06:08

Sleeping with the Enemy vibes ...

fatrascall · 04/10/2023 06:09

Have you spoken to him about this? What does he say?

ElleCapitaine · 04/10/2023 06:12

Is he aware he’s doing it? I’d be tempted to go full snark when he comes home. “Right, can we get the interrogation out of the way so we can’t get on with the rest of our day”, “If you don’t like it do it yourself”, “Oh piss off, Barry, and stop being such a controlling dickhead. It makes you look like an arse”.

dayofcheese · 04/10/2023 06:14

Bananalanacake · 04/10/2023 06:01

How would he react if you replied "oh yeah, umm" to everything in a disinterested way. In other words walk off and ignore

This. Would he get annoyed if you didn't justify yourself?

This doesn't sound healthy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2023 06:19

He's not management, you're not staff.

Are you a SAHM? Because you need power and money is often power.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 04/10/2023 06:40

Is his constant scrutinising of everything, and then critising and giving advice/instructions, a new behaviour from him @Jeena573?

If it is new, or has escalated a lot recently, has anything in his - or your - life changed significantly during the last few months, or is about to change, or even has the possible expectation of changing?

If none of the above apply, can you help us to understand please why you have apparently accepted this (usually) unacceptable behaviour for so many years (I am presuming that the children are his, and that he has been your partner since at least about 9 months before your eldest child's birth?), but now your toleration for it is rapidly declining?

Chelsea543 · 04/10/2023 06:46

Your poor children - absolutely get the Halloween decorations up! I bet their little faces were so happy.

I used to live with a man like this, he’d even criticise how I hung the laundry on the airer. I left him and immediately felt freedom in just simple daily living, I hadn’t noticed how much of a dark cloud he was on me.

Not saying you should leave but I would seriously chat with him about his criticisms and how unnecessary they are. There are much bigger things to worry about than doing a small wash in a washing machine!!

cushioncovers · 04/10/2023 06:46

How long have you been married? How long has he been like this ?

Maray1967 · 04/10/2023 06:50

ElleCapitaine · 04/10/2023 06:12

Is he aware he’s doing it? I’d be tempted to go full snark when he comes home. “Right, can we get the interrogation out of the way so we can’t get on with the rest of our day”, “If you don’t like it do it yourself”, “Oh piss off, Barry, and stop being such a controlling dickhead. It makes you look like an arse”.

Yes - I would do this as well. Talk straight back at him and leave him in no doubt what you think of him doing this.

Breakingpoint1961 · 04/10/2023 07:00

I don't think you realise the effect this will have on you eventually, clearly it is starting as you're posting about it.

This is extreme behaviour, I may ask my son to make sure the washing machine is full before switching on, and I might even monitor the bin in case my son has put food in there, and it'll end up stinking! This isn't either of those scenarios.

You need to address is right now OP as it'll only get worse.

Moon47 · 04/10/2023 07:09

As an adult he should be respecting you. Being questioned over a washing cycle feels like he wants to treat you like a kid and like you are incapable of making a decision. I often out 2 work t shirts and a pair of leggings in if I Need them for work the next day. On 15 min cycle.

You don't need to be ruled. My kids have started Halloween pictures. It's fun!

Magicmonster · 04/10/2023 07:11

I am married to one of these but I have no real advice. I tend to just try to ignore it and not let it get to me, but it inevitably drains any love and respect out of the relationship. He gets better when family members have been seriously unwell etc and I think ‘wow he’s finally gained some perspective’ but no - he always reverts to type in the end. What pisses me off the most is not the criticism per se but the muttering and sighing that goes with it.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/10/2023 07:16

You really do need to nip this in the bud before your marriage is destroyed. Put your foot down. You are not his employee.
I'd be interested to know what his job is because he seems to be bringing it home.
I'd go ballistic if a man spoke to me like this.

PaminaMozart · 04/10/2023 07:21

You really do need to nip this in the bud before your marriage is destroyed. Put your foot down. You are not his employee.

Absolutely. If you don't, it'll only get worse

Finlesswonder · 04/10/2023 07:27

I mean tbh it would piss me off if my partner put a whole machine on for 3 items of clothing, its so wasteful. Its not even the bills aspect that would grate on me it's just annoying

And yeah decorations up for Halloween with a month to go would annoy me to.

What's he looking in the bin for, do you normally throw out good food?

He does sound annoyingly controlling but you also would irritate me tbh, everyone's different.

Lastchancechica · 04/10/2023 07:54

Controlling and unhealthy behaviour.

I would sit him down and tell him to stop immediately, it’s not okay.

Lastchancechica · 04/10/2023 07:57

‘You have overstepped recently on a number of occasions dh.
I am a fully grown woman and will choose when I was wash my clothes, decorate with the children etc without your input thank you, please stop interfering with my day to day decision making, if I need your opinion I will ask for it, agreed?’

Theunamedcat · 04/10/2023 08:01

Yeah controlling my ex asked me why I put a wash on at 9am the once was furious at my answer "to get the clothes clean" apparently was not the answer I was looking for he repeated the conversation to his family to belittle me so I doubled down on my answer "aww bless her I was asking her why she was washing at 9am she said she wanted clean clothes 😂😂😂" his mum and brother laughed like hyenas his step dad was....well that is the usual reason mate I'm not sure what you wanted her to say...

Chocolatefreak · 04/10/2023 08:17

Decorating a house that you both live in requires some discussion and compromise beforehand. Of course children like decorations etc but they can also learn how to anticipate.

My husband used to do everything in the house whenever he fancied doing it; putting up lights, buying all kinds of crap, basically wasting money without any input from me. I found it intensely irritating because it essentially meant my needs or wishes weren't taken into consideration, let alone the supposedly joint family finances. Washing three items of clothing in the machine when you could have just hand washed them is also a waste.