Dp constantly scrutinising everything I do

[Jeena573]

He is constantly scrutinising and criticising absolutely everything I do.

an example of tonight alone, after he returned from work within 10 minutes this is what I got…

he first was annoyed that I had put Halloween decorations in the living room. At Halloween/Xmas etc I love to decorate and the dc are so excited for Halloween they begged to put the decs up.. so ofcourse I did it to make them happy. It was until afterwards I realised it is rather early! Equally I’m not too bothered, as long as my kids are happy these are minor things. Dp was very annoyed basically telling me it is stupid to do it this early and to take them down. It’s not the point he was making that’s the issue, it was the fact at how annoyed it made him. is it really worth getting that worked up over? The home is spotless clean and tidy what are some decs harming anyone?

next I have put 3 items of my clothing in the washing machine that I wanted to wear tomorrow, just on a quick wash. I don’t usually do that but also don’t see the issue. He questioned what wash setting I put my clothes on, what items I am washing etc. he then began criticising and picking at that. Questioning why I did it etc etc.

it is SO frustrating. Everything I do is criticised. I’m sure a lot of men wouldn’t even notice their wives using the washing machine let alone to be so bothered about what setting it’s on?

that is just a quick example of 10 minutes of him being home from work. This is every day, even looking in the bin to see what has been thrown away and question on things. it’s irritating me and I feel like I can’t make any of my own decisions! Like I have to do things his way.

I would remind him he's your "D"H, not your supervisor!
Is he normally this controlling, or is it a recent thing? If recent, you need to have a calm chat about the real issue going on with him. Is he depressed, work or financial issues?

It's probably a bit early for decorations but don't take them down, your kids are little once it's no big deal, he's sounds like a killjoy, he's controlling you, scrutinising the bin that's going too far, time to tell him you are more than capable of making your own decisions.

@Jeena573 either he is emotionally abusive and you've just not noticed the other ways he displays this or this is a reaction to his feelings of no-control, being left out etc.

Scenario 1 - he is away from home a lot so when he does come in and sees you've all done a group thing like decorate together with out him, he feels a lack of control and left out and this affects his self esteem so he reacts badly by criticising you. He can't control his big boy feelings so lashes out verbally. Giant manchild style.

Scenario 2 - he's an abusive bellend. He sees you happy and doing well without him being there and he wants to take you down a peg or two. He desires control and authoritarian status in the household because his delicate man-feelings cannot hack that you, as a woman, do not need him. You cope just fine without Lord Bossy Pants and his ego cannot allow that. This is emotional abuse and is NOT love. Its about control, harm and diminishing you.

So, how do you respond? You can give him the benefit of doubt and accept Scenario 1. You sit him down and make him talk about those big boy feelings he struggles with and you try to be more inclusive for him. You make sure he understands that constant criticism is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.

Or, if you already know deep down that he is Scenario 2 - you fight back. You cut him off when he starts on you. "Thank you for your thoughts on this. I've sorted it now." You grey rock him. You walk away.

You reconsider being with a man who wants you to bow down to him rather than supports you being independent and doing well when he isn't around. A man who respects a woman like you who has her shit together and carries the extra load while he gets to just do the bare minimum. In other words, a man who knows he has a gem and will do what he can to keep her! NOT a man who uses intimidation, control and abuse to keep you chained to him for the sake of family when there is no genuine love there for you.

Hi everyone, thanx for the replies.

so, the Halloween decorations situation. I always decorate with the kids, he’s never had that growing up and so is not interested in helping out doing that but it’s never a problem before. His issue is that he is a killjoy and will go out of his way to look for something to complain about. If it wasn’t the decorations it would be something else. It’s not like we went OTT, just a few bits here and there. Yes granted I realised it’s very early but the kids are so excited and happy and that’s all I care about.

again, the washing cycle wouldn’t have been an issue. I don’t often only put a few things in but I needed it for the next day. I’m very well managed with laundry and housework etc (I do it all by myself). He just has to pile his nose in to everything I do like I am a kid and he has to teach me.

he often mentions that he is like my ‘line manager’ and ‘has to tell me to do everything/what to do’. This is not the case, it’s because he wants everything done his way so therefore even when I do things he will still interfere and complain about the way it’s been done.

we have been together for 8 years now. He was not like this until we began to live together. However, he had been living alone long before me so had his own ‘ways’ of doing things.

He is a controlling abusive arsehole and the only hope for your marriage is to challenge him every single time. He is not your boss, tell him so very loudly and often, or you will be divorcing in a couple of years.

I'm not sure why people are focusing on the examples. Neither of the specifics, decorations or washing machine are things I like, BUT you just can't treat someone you've freely chosen to be in a relationship and share a house with like that.

Even the OP has indicated she agrees the decorations are up a bit early and that she'd rather not have done a wash with a few items but felt compelled to out of need. I'm sure, if her husband found himself similarly in need of clothing that was dirty he'd break his own rule .. cos life's shit sometimes and we have to do that & get over it. What's the cost of that load compared to the cost to the relationship? If you want to think of it in some kind of transactional sense. Repeatedly following the same tactic without results sought is a sign it doesn't work right? Not that this behaviour should be allowed to work

he often mentions that he is like my 'line manager' and 'has to tell me to do everything/what to do'.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Who the hell does he think he is? He is not your boss. You are an adult, and this is supposed to be an equal partnership, not dominant/subordinate, with him giving orders and you carrying them out.

I'd be telling him that you have absolutely had enough, and he needs to change his ways.

And if he doesn't like it, then he can jolly well fuck off and find himself another servant.

All of this.

It's interesting he picked at things that are when you're doing things for YOU not HIM. Decorations for you and the kids. Laundry for you. Is that a pattern. If it is, point it out. If it's not, and he mentions something you've done 'wrong' for him, immediately stop doing it entirely.

My old boss, early in her marriage her DH said she'd made his packed lunch for work wrong. 30 years later, that was the last packed lunch she'd ever made him.

You are an adult. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. After he comes up with his critiques or judgements just say "noted" and move on with your day. Getting drawn into it will probably just make him defensive. If you don't react other than to say noted, hopefully he'll just get bored.

My husband used to do this all the time. I would just say, "ah you would do it that way?, I did it this way" or "mm hmmm" and move on. It used to bother me that it seemed like he brought negativity to things where it didn't need to be brought. He does it sooooo much less now. And when he does, I give a simple ..."noted" or "cool" and he realises that he's doing it again. but ultimately you can only change your reaction to it. You have to just decide to not let it bother you.

"looking in the bin to see what has been thrown away"

This is not normal (as you know). Agree with @Zanina - it's time to get angry. His behaviour towards you shows that he is looking down on you. Who does he think he is? And who does he think you are?

DP used to do that sort of thing (not as extreme as looking in the bin but around food shopping for example). I can't actually believe how long I put up with it and the anxiety of it. The effect was of feeling like I was a little insect under a microscope being examined for my behaviours. Does that sound familiar? The joke of it was that he had asked if he could move in with me, and I said yes so he did and then proceeded to make my life misery with that stuff! When I would have been fine living on my own. Just unbelievable. It's the men that are in need of women, not the other way around.

Aim to settle this thing in one go because why should every day be a one-way monstering or if you bite back, a battle?

You'll need to tell him in no uncertain terms to stop being an arsehole and control freak or you'll be going your separate ways, and mean it.

It is very alarming that you tolerate being treated like this. It's a fucking terrible example for your kids.

Controlling and abusive.

Your poor children.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

You have become so used to it that you are not aware of just how abusive this is.

It is NOT normal.

Reach out for support as this type of behaviour can escalate as his anger and need to control you and the children increases.

Take this very seriously and protect yourself.

Talk to your GP too.

Do you have family / friends you can get moral support from?

So when he says he's like your line manager, do you challenge him on that? Do you say firmly that you don't want or need him to be your line manager?

He’s a controlling cunt with a superiority complex.

So are they your kids or both of yours? Does he do this to everyone else or just you? Why do you think he's started doing it?

You sound very accepting @Jeena573 of being married to an absolute arsehole.

8 years would be enough for me. This man makes my EXDH sound awesome.

I couldn’t understand why I felt happier when my “D”H was away than when he was there when there wasn’t anything overtly wrong. I came to realise that when he was away I could relax without feeling judged, criticised and passive aggressive comments. I am still with him as we had other stuff going on and I thought I’d see if it got any better. It has got a bit better but it does still happen. I am trying to decide what to do about it but as someone else said I also came to the conclusion that it has worn me down over the years and I am bad at challenging it.

Sounds like a twat.
If I could be arsed staying with him, I would decide to use some form of grey rocking at each criticism. In a flat unemotional tone I’d say something like:

‘I’m not discussing the Halloween decorations with you’. ‘I’m not discussing why I used the washing machine with you’ ‘I’m not discussing what’s in the bin with you’. And that would be the end of each conversation whatever his reaction.

Should he say nice things, I’d reward him with a nice conversation!

Time to start training him instead of the other way round.
Good luck OP

This sounds exactly like my dad when I was growing up. He's a narcissistic abuser with undiagnosed mental illness, probably CPTSD and anxiety. I haven't spoken to him in almost 20 years but he's still trying to control me. I'm 41. I have CPTSD and anxiety because of him. Do you want this for your children?

So what did you do and did it work?

“Oh piss off, Barry, and stop being such a controlling dickhead. It makes you look like an arse”.

perfect answer to every comment.

Point out he’s micromanaging you and it’s verging into coercive abuse. You’re sick of it, you feel constantly criticised. You love him a little less each comment he makes’

I did the last bit (eventually) and yes, he stopped it off when he realised (was told!)! just how unhappy I was and that it would be the end for us if he didn’t stop it. His natural tendency is toward controlling small silly things (through anxiety I think) so it still pops up but nowhere near as bad it was.

Write a list. At the top in caps letters write the endless fucking daily nitpick list. Do m t w th f headings for columns at the side. Put down some entries and tick the days

1. check bin to see if he can criticise anything I have thrown out
2. check washing machine to criticise what and when and how I am washing (my own) clothes
3. Check living room to see if anyhting has changed. Criticise change.

etc.
the next evening , if it’s a new comment you say oh that’s new add it to the list and point him to it. If it’s not you say hang on let me get my list.

He’s only controlling if this behaviour changes what you do. If you carry on and just don’t then he’s just a bit boring. Talk if other things when he’s finished and hopefully if the questioning and opinions aren’t making any impact he’ll get tired of it.