Childless partner struggling with kids

[ButterfliesAWOL]

We’ve been dating 18 months. I have kids from previous relationship 45% of time. My partner knew this going in - has never wanted kids of their own but hoped to bond with them over time. I was adamant I didn’t want them to be a step-parent. Kids are 10 & 12 and gradually got introduced to DP a year in.

DP tends to stay over a couple of nights a week and this can sometimes overlap with kids being here. Initially seemed no problems - we did days out and a holiday together - and I’ve always insisted on doing all the parenting.

Nevertheless, DP has just admitted they’re feeling burned out being around the kids - that they didn’t appreciate how hard work they are. It’s not that they’re doing any parental tasks - more just being around them and their dramas (they’re well behaved but still can argue about occasionally, want your attention, just be like kids are). On top of which DP says whilst they’d hoped to bond with them, they now have to admit they’re just not a “kids” person and never will be.

DP says they definitely don’t want to split up over this. But it does mean they want to stay at their place and not visit if kids are about and they’ve had hard time at work (they’re job has become a lot more intense recently). And they also say they’re never going to really bond with my kids and wouldn’t want to be left alone with either at any time (e.g. sit at home with one whilst I take the other somewhere).

Has anyone made a relationship like this work? Or is this only become more of an issue down the line?

Do you see a future with him now?

How will that work long term?

He is valid in his feelings and he's being honest with you but I'm struggling to see how that will work long term if that's something you were hoping for with him.

How can it work? Your DP has been super honest and is already stepping away partially from the relationship already but not staying over etc and saying they wouldn’t even sit with them - what if there was an emergency and you needed to rush out?
you’re a family not a single person
They are telling you who they are, listen to that

This relationship isn't going to work. You have kids and your DP doesn't want anything to do with them - ever. You come as a package so any partner needs to be okay with that. Your DP needs to find someone without kids and you need to find someone who is okay with you having kids.

I would take this as being a non starter.

I think it would very soon become a case of your kids being a problem to solve rather than accepted and loved. If he cant handle them at 10 and 12, then its not going to get easier when they are dramatic teenagers with big kid problems

Kudos to him for honesty.

I think staying over when minor children are present is not on, anyway. Esp after only 18 months. It's a good thing for them that he's stepping back. Focus on the children when they're with you.

You have DC, your partner doesn't like being around DC.
It's irrelevant if you or your partner are male or female, the two of you don't gel as a couple.

I think it's really refreshing and positive that he's actually been honest about not bonding with them and feeling uncomfortable around them, too many men (and women) become step parents when it's clear they dislike the children. It's up to you whether you can seperate your love life and see him only when you don't have the children or not.

He/she is being honest with you that they don't want to be around your kids and that is unlikely to change.

It sounds like long term the relationship will be a struggle for both of you. For your partner they will have to deal with your kids on their own at some point because life happens, and this will likely make them unhappy. Can they deal with that? Will it cause a lasting pressure or resentment that means they'll what to leave?

For you, the fact that you have to keep your kids so separate may well become grating and difficult and could make otherwise simple decisions and every day activities if your partner was accepting of your kids into a logistical nightmare that is difficult to keep up. If you need to rush a kid to the doctor can she stay home with the other one? If you want to go to a parents evening with one do they need babysitting or can you just go and leave the other with your partner? There are a million small things that will be made hard by this.

Is the relationship good enough that this won't eventually grind you down?

I was in the same situation. We tried to make it work for about five years, mostly seeing each other when my kids were at their dad’s. He did stay over and call in when they were home too and we had some holidays etc but I wouldn’t say the kids had a strong bond with him. I loved him deeply though. Then my exh’s circumstances changed and he couldn’t take the kids as much anymore. My partner found this very difficult as we didn’t have much time together without the kids. He ended the relationship over it and I was absolutely devastated.

In retrospect I think I was right to try and make it work, I was mad about him and owed it myself to see if the relationship was a runner, but in reality it was probably always doomed to fail when he didn’t bond with the kids after a couple of years. Like you I wasn’t looking for a ‘step-dad’, more like friendly uncle, but he couldn’t build that relationship with them.

I believe that he loved me but ultimately felt he had one life to live and didn’t want to spend it half in/ half out of someone else’s family.

I'm just wondering why you've turned the English language inside out to avoid disclosing your partner's sex.

I assumed it was because the OP might be a man and was trying to avoid being discriminated against, but it isn't particularly relevant whether OP is a man or woman, or if the partner is of the same sex.

Not the point of the thread but I do agree with leaving it very much longer than even 18 months. I wish my DD didn’t think 3 months is more than enough for her child to accept it.

OP I imagine you’ve considered how this can possibly have long-term potential, and in your position I’d end it rather than think he’s biding time with you at a comfortable distance until he meets someone fitting his criteria.

Could be a same-sex relationship, either way, it really doesn't make any difference

I agree with PPs I can't see how the relationship could work. I wouldn't want anyone in my life it they couldn't stand even being around my children.

I think if they dislike your children to the extent they couldn’t sit with one for an hour then it’s a non-starter sorry.

This relationship won’t work, sorry.

This

Unfortunately whatever the combination of sexes, it just won't work

I’m not childless, but I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than live with somebody else’s kids part of the week.

If you love them AND you are lucky enough to have found a partner willing to communicate honestly AND your kids won’t have to cope with more changes to who is in their lives and what said life now feels like…. that’s a win all round.

Not least cos you’ll get a “missed you” lovey dovey half week and no “why didn’t you just pick the bloody sock up then ?” argy bargy to take the shine off things.

It won't work. I've went through similar and just accepted it as a friends with benefits setup as, obviously, my kids will always be a part of my life. They were very, very clear about it from the start and as I knew them before I knew they wouldn't change their mind.

This can work. Of course it can!!

It just depends what the op wants.

It can work if the op is happy seeing her boyfriend half the week and not living together for at least the next 8 years. Tbh that's many peoples (ever increasing) dream situation!

It's the relationship I want tbh. I want an exclusive proper relationship, but 'part time'. I want my own space and I don't want to be a step mum.

I think it's great he's been honest.

The only reason it wouldn't work is if you're looking for someone to move in and be a step dad.

I agree. This can work. If everyone communicates openly they might manage to find a relationship pattern that works for both of them (and the children).

Kudos to the partner for being honest. I'd be the same, but it's up to you if you want the relationship to continue on those terms.