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Relationships

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Original poster

Childless partner struggling with kids

58 replies

ButterfliesAWOL · 02/10/2023 14:15

We’ve been dating 18 months. I have kids from previous relationship 45% of time. My partner knew this going in - has never wanted kids of their own but hoped to bond with them over time. I was adamant I didn’t want them to be a step-parent. Kids are 10 & 12 and gradually got introduced to DP a year in.

DP tends to stay over a couple of nights a week and this can sometimes overlap with kids being here. Initially seemed no problems - we did days out and a holiday together - and I’ve always insisted on doing all the parenting.

Nevertheless, DP has just admitted they’re feeling burned out being around the kids - that they didn’t appreciate how hard work they are. It’s not that they’re doing any parental tasks - more just being around them and their dramas (they’re well behaved but still can argue about occasionally, want your attention, just be like kids are). On top of which DP says whilst they’d hoped to bond with them, they now have to admit they’re just not a “kids” person and never will be.

DP says they definitely don’t want to split up over this. But it does mean they want to stay at their place and not visit if kids are about and they’ve had hard time at work (they’re job has become a lot more intense recently). And they also say they’re never going to really bond with my kids and wouldn’t want to be left alone with either at any time (e.g. sit at home with one whilst I take the other somewhere).

Has anyone made a relationship like this work? Or is this only become more of an issue down the line?

OP posts:

Whenwillitpass · 02/10/2023 16:18

It was my ideal situation too and I thought it worked well. Unfortunately after 5 years my partner changed his mind and realised he wanted a girlfriend who was more available for activities, dinners etc without kids involved so we couldn’t make it work. It’s certainly worth a try if you are happy with a part-time partner, as I was.

Burntouted · 02/10/2023 16:25

This won't work out. ..Also, stop forcing acceptance, interaction, and strange men on your children...especially in a short time frame.

Also, why are you trying to choose a man and a relationship over your kids???

He's told you he doesn't feel that he'll ever be a kid person...but yet you're trying to find ways to hold on to him and this relationship.

Why are you only thinking about him instead of your children and their feelings?

It isn't going to work out..focus on your children and perhaps going to therapy...

If and when you're ready to date ever again...date someone who doesn't mind children.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 16:26

I don't think hiding the sex of you or your partner is relevant and it just makes this difficult to read. I'm guessing though that your partner is female and you're trying to avoid any bias about women supposedly being instinctively maternal or whatever.

Having said that, the reality is that a partner who doesn't want anything to do with your kids is completely fine... if that's fine with you. It really depends on what you want from a relationship. If you want someone who will do family holidays and days out with you (and you can say that you do all the parenting, all you like, but a holiday with kids will inevitably involve the other adult present being impacted and stepping up), then your current partner is not the right person for you.

If you're happy to have two separate lives - the life with your Dc and the life with your partner, then this relationship can continue.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/10/2023 16:59

Also, stop forcing acceptance, interaction, and strange men on your children...especially in a short time frame.

This x1000.

perfectcolourfound · 02/10/2023 17:48

They've been honest, and done nothing wrong as they can't help their feelings.

It wouldn't be for me, as I'd want to know that, even eventually, lives would entwine to some degree. I'd like to think my DP liked my DCs.

If you can imagine a world where your life is with your children, and you date this man when they aren't around, then fair enough, stick with it.

Universalsnail · 02/10/2023 17:53

I would end this relationship. I appreciate their honesty but I can't see that it's going to work out.

anunlikelyseahorse · 02/10/2023 18:11

S/he doesn't want the hassle of kids, fair enough, but it means the relationship won't work as you have children. If you have a good friendship then you might be able to put things on hold until your dc are more independent, but for the moment anything more than the odd meet up won't work.

Ragwort · 02/10/2023 18:18

It's good that he/she is being honest .. but clearly there's no long term future for you as a couple but you could continue to 'date' casually.

Burntouted · 02/10/2023 21:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Whenwillitpass · 02/10/2023 21:53

I hate this kind of judgement on people with kids having new partners. The OP knows their kids and presumably has made decisions about when and how to introduce a new partner in an appropriate way. Single parents are allowed to have a love life and so long as it is done with due consideration for the kids and age appropriate conversations then it’s nobody else’s business.

Skipthisstep82 · 03/10/2023 06:01

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Skipthisstep82 · 03/10/2023 06:02

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BrandNewTitsAndHusband · 03/10/2023 06:12

I don't understand why you would enter into a serious relationship with someone who dislikes children when you still have young children who live with you near on half the week.
I wouldn't even entertain the idea of being with someone like this from the offset. Now that they have told you it's too much, you need to either agree on seeing each other without the kids or end it.

Fleabane · 03/10/2023 06:13

Your relationship is over then. Your children are part of your life and while you may only have them 45% of the time at the moment, one of them may want to spend more time with you as they get older.

You're a parent first and foremost. Your children should come first and they deserve better than this.

Pockettopic · 03/10/2023 06:29

I think I would appreciate his honesty but would feel hurt for my kids. However they aren’t little and in a few years they will be more independent I expect. As they become more adult in behaviour maybe he will find it easier. I wouldn’t expect him to be looking after one anyway while you are busy with the other. I have similar age children and a new bf without children. I won’t be rushing to bring him into their lives either. I think it could work if you tread carefully. As long as he appreciates how important they are and they come first.

RedHelenB · 03/10/2023 06:35

rubyslippers · 02/10/2023 14:18

How can it work? Your DP has been super honest and is already stepping away partially from the relationship already but not staying over etc and saying they wouldn’t even sit with them - what if there was an emergency and you needed to rush out?
you’re a family not a single person
They are telling you who they are, listen to that

But they're not a family. OP insisted on this by saying she'd do all the parenting. Plenty of couples I know see each other like her partner suggests until the children are older.

TookTheBook · 03/10/2023 06:39

Why is everyone saying "he" when clearly the partner is "she"? Anyway, it won't work long term OP unless you just want a fuckbuddy. Aren't you a bit disappointed and dejected that she doesn't like your kids which are effectively an extension of you and a huge part of your life? I would want a partner who accepts the whole package.

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/10/2023 06:43

Branleuse · 02/10/2023 14:25

I would take this as being a non starter.

I think it would very soon become a case of your kids being a problem to solve rather than accepted and loved. If he cant handle them at 10 and 12, then its not going to get easier when they are dramatic teenagers with big kid problems

Yeah agree.

It's a bit like if you were childless your partner saying "I like you but I find your best friend and your family hard work so let's keep it separate"

You can't built a life with someone who isn't interested in a minimum of half your life.

I don't think you've necessarily super rushed things but with kids timelines should be very slow. my friends are maybe conservative but most of them have dated about 18m to 2 years+ before introducing anyone to their children and even then only as daytime "family friends" rather than "this is Rodger he is sleeping in mummy's bed tonight". Most of them do this as by the 2-3 year point relationships are either fizzling out or it's clear it's more serious.

Justleaveitblankthen · 03/10/2023 06:50

The OP was at pains not to identify if the partner was male or female.
Either way, it isn't going to work and I would get out now.

PerfectMatch · 03/10/2023 06:52

It's good that your partner has been honest with you. The fact that you'd already made a big point about how you're the parent is also good I think, because it implies that you were already happy with some degree of separation between your kids and your partner. Also the fact that you see your kids less than half the week - obvious this wouldn't work if you had them for 70/80%.

So I think it could work as long as everyone is happy with the situation and continues being honest. But not if you are hoping for a more blended situation. How much of a compromise is this for you?

dayofcheese · 03/10/2023 06:57

It is absolutely fine for him/her/they to not step into a parenting role. I haven't. I'm an adult who will step in if there is a risk of the kids hurting themselves. Our relationship works fine. What will not work imo is the half in/half out the family approach. I am fully in the family just in my "aunt-like" role. I have had times where I haven't got on with them. My bond isn't as close as other stepparents have.

In my opinion though this will not work. The kid's needs will change over time. You can't fit your relationship around a schedule like that without the relationship becoming a second priority leaving the partner resentful.

dayofcheese · 03/10/2023 06:59

Older kids are always going to be harder to bond with. Tbh I think you're going to have to end it for the sake of the little hearts involved

foolishone · 03/10/2023 07:09

I don't understand why everyone is saying it won't work. Surely it depends on what type of relationship they both want.

I think keeping partner and kids completely separate is a great idea. Why do kids always need to be involved in their parents relationships. Unless living together and kids is on the cards then they don't need to have a relationship with their parents partners necessarily.

Freshair1 · 03/10/2023 07:10

The kids are your priority. Your partner is not. He needs to go

Skipthisstep82 · 03/10/2023 07:15

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