Childless partner struggling with kids

[ButterfliesAWOL]

We’ve been dating 18 months. I have kids from previous relationship 45% of time. My partner knew this going in - has never wanted kids of their own but hoped to bond with them over time. I was adamant I didn’t want them to be a step-parent. Kids are 10 & 12 and gradually got introduced to DP a year in.

DP tends to stay over a couple of nights a week and this can sometimes overlap with kids being here. Initially seemed no problems - we did days out and a holiday together - and I’ve always insisted on doing all the parenting.

Nevertheless, DP has just admitted they’re feeling burned out being around the kids - that they didn’t appreciate how hard work they are. It’s not that they’re doing any parental tasks - more just being around them and their dramas (they’re well behaved but still can argue about occasionally, want your attention, just be like kids are). On top of which DP says whilst they’d hoped to bond with them, they now have to admit they’re just not a “kids” person and never will be.

DP says they definitely don’t want to split up over this. But it does mean they want to stay at their place and not visit if kids are about and they’ve had hard time at work (they’re job has become a lot more intense recently). And they also say they’re never going to really bond with my kids and wouldn’t want to be left alone with either at any time (e.g. sit at home with one whilst I take the other somewhere).

Has anyone made a relationship like this work? Or is this only become more of an issue down the line?

She/he has been very honest and said that they don't see themselves having any involvement with your children.

When you have pre-teens this is likely to be an issue, and would probably be less of an issue if they were late teens so had a more adult relationship with Mum/Dad's new partner.

For now the relationship is likely over because of the age of your children.

They’ve made a mistake and don’t want what they thought they did (a partner with children). We all make mistakes dating. Time to end the relationship or cool it off massively and look for someone else who wants what you want.

@Skipthisstep82 I did say it depends on what each partner wants!

I don't see why you can't have a loving and committed relationship living separately and not introducing the kids/not living together. Relationships don't have to meet traditional expectations to be rewarding and successful.

I also don't like that kids are introduced far too quickly to new partners and expected to accept them and welcome them into their home and their lives. It's unfair and can be hugely damaging.

Of course they are allowed to have a private life. In a relationship though with relatively young kids, then it's pretty vital that the incoming partner is OK with kids and not weird about it. The kids live with her so there's no future in a relationship where they don't think they can get on with them. What's the point??

@Branleuse , OP has the children 45% of the time. It would be possible to have a relationship focussing on the time that the DC are with their other parent.
FWIW, OP is probably a man and his DP a woman.

Just date her in the 55% of the time you don't have your kids.

I couldn't be in a relationship where my partner was so indifferent to my dc (even bordering on dislike). My partner of 4 years has just moved in with me and my teens at their approval and although he isn't a step dad to them (this isn't what any of us wanted - they have a dad) and he keeps himself to himself a lot, he is polite to them and makes conversation and will help out if needed with lifts, have the odd game with them, etc.

It's the minimum I expect with people living under the same roof but it was the same before he moved in too and we had also been on a few holidays together.