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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner talks to me like shit and shows me no love or care! Do I stay or go?

52 replies

Kassy1206 · 02/10/2023 08:54

So I've been with my partner now fiance for nearly 2 years, im 33, hes 45 we have a son that's now 6 months old. Since being pregnant and having our son I jus feel its constant arguments and bickering, he speaks to me so disrespectfully, calls me a bitch, talks over me so I can't finish a sentence. He shouts in front of the kids at me, sometimes waking up the baby from his nap and I also have a 12 Yr old daughter from a previous relationship that adores him but has to Hear him shouting at me. I'm not saying he doesn't have his good points coz he does but the arguing has got to a point where its every day more or less and its bringing me to a new low! When I've tried to talk and communicate with him he jus rolls his eyes and mumbles shit or says whatever. We've split up once before over how he talks to me and the constant lack of affection and care. I literally have to ask him for a cuddle or a kiss. And when we do row and I get so upset, n cry he doesn't bat an eyelid. But it's making me so low within myself and damaging my self esteem, and making me anxious all the time..he works nights so I do all day and all night with the baby, then when he does have days off he ain't interested in spending time with me or showing me any love whatsoever.
I dunno what to do? Coz I love him but I know it's making me so unhappy but same time I know I've now jus had his son and jus feel slightly trapped in the situation. Use to be such a strong confident woman, and now I jus feel trodden down, weak and shit in myself. Jus scared to make the wrong decision, cos I know he wants to come home but I don't wanna end up back in same situation again coz he always promises he'll be better and always goes back to this.
Jus want some advice plz.

OP posts:
Bigmamashousethe3rd · 02/10/2023 08:59

Make plans to leave somehow.

It will be hard, but eventually better.

We all deserve to be treated with respect.

I doubt he's going to get better, so think about a lifetime of this.

Patchworksack · 02/10/2023 09:24

‘my partner talks to me like shit and shows me no love and care’
Nobody is going to tell you to stay.

Farmageddon · 02/10/2023 09:28

Just make plans to leave, he's not going to get better. To be honest it sounds like you didn't know him that well before you got pregnant, and now he knows you're sort of trapped with a new baby he can stop pretending to be nice. He also seems to have targeted a younger single mother to manipulate.

He's an arsehole who doesn't care enough to be kind and respectful of you. Please show your daughter that this is not the way to be treated in a relationship.

Do you have a job to go back to after maternity leave? What are your finances like?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2023 09:33

I promise you your 12 year old does not adore him. You’ve been together less than 2 years and have a six month old, you rushed madly into committing yourself to someone who’s a nasty bully, treats you like crap and makes you miserable.

Do you want her to be with a man who calls her a bitch in future? You’re in the process of priming her to do exactly that right now. She’s watching you putting up with this every day you stay with him.

“coz I love him” means nothing. You shouldn’t love him, he’s a bastard. You’re a mother with responsibilities, you are not stuck, you just think being with a shit man is better than no man.

Obviously don’t stay with him.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/10/2023 09:34

You need to think why you love him… do you really love him or the idea of him/ who he used to be?

He doesn’t love or respect you and is setting a very bad example for your daughter about how a man treats a female. Start getting your ducks in a row, as he will not suddenly get better if anything the more he berates you the more control and abuse he will dish out as he knows there is no recourse

Lucious1000 · 02/10/2023 09:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2023 09:33

I promise you your 12 year old does not adore him. You’ve been together less than 2 years and have a six month old, you rushed madly into committing yourself to someone who’s a nasty bully, treats you like crap and makes you miserable.

Do you want her to be with a man who calls her a bitch in future? You’re in the process of priming her to do exactly that right now. She’s watching you putting up with this every day you stay with him.

“coz I love him” means nothing. You shouldn’t love him, he’s a bastard. You’re a mother with responsibilities, you are not stuck, you just think being with a shit man is better than no man.

Obviously don’t stay with him.

👍🏽

Original poster
Kassy1206 · 02/10/2023 09:36

It's my house anyway and at the moment he has left as I told him too a few days ago.
We didn't know each other long your right before we fell pregnant just 4 months. We was so in love it jus felt right.
My daughter knows I tell her all the time and in a row I do give as good as I get but I end up getting very upset which he doesn't give a shit about..
He doesn't know how to communicate I tell him jus talk don't shout coz of the kids but he doesn't listen.
Just so hard because I still love him and now we have my son and he keeps Obviously wanting to come round and see him which makes it extremely hard for me, and I end up softening which I don't wanna do as I know things won't change!

OP posts:
Blough · 02/10/2023 09:37

You rushed in to dating this piece of trash far, far too quickly. I promise your 12yr old does not adore him. She’s being damaged by this vile male, and learning appalling lessons in how to appease her future abuser. You owe your kids better than exposing them to this foul specimen.

Original poster
Kassy1206 · 02/10/2023 09:38

Your absolutely right! And I don't think being with him is better than no man...I'm a very independent person, was on ma own for 8years before him and lived alone jus me and my daughter, raised her alone. So I know I don't need him. Just so hard when u love someone but your right he doesn't treat me nice and I shouldn't have put up with it for this long

OP posts:
Blough · 02/10/2023 09:39

You should not love a nasty, worthless abuser. Change your mindset, raise your standards significantly, do extensive work on yourself before dating again. Consider counselling for your child, it’s really damaging to have an angry man in your house when you’re a kid.

Original poster
Kassy1206 · 02/10/2023 09:39

Probably in love with the man he use to be..the way he use to treat me and adore me and would never speak down to me or shit to me. So yh ur right.

OP posts:
HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 02/10/2023 09:40

What would you tell your daughter to do if she is in this situation in 10 years time?

Which as you are modelling what is acceptable behaviour in her formative years is sadly quite likely if you carry on this ridiculous relationship

Original poster
Kassy1206 · 02/10/2023 09:41

Absolutely right! I'd tell her get out now! I'd no way let her live this...and it's crazy because I know deep down I've made the right decision by telling him to leave and I don't know why I'm doubting myself so much

OP posts:
Lucious1000 · 02/10/2023 09:50

We all just get used to crap and then normalise it.

Good luck.

piscofrisco · 02/10/2023 10:05

Well I didn't even read the thread just the title. If you need to start a thread like this then the answer is obvious. Life is too short. I get that it's not simple but you only get one life don't you?

Farmageddon · 02/10/2023 10:06

Kassy1206 · 02/10/2023 09:39

Probably in love with the man he use to be..the way he use to treat me and adore me and would never speak down to me or shit to me. So yh ur right.

I'm sorry to say he was probably love bombing you until he got you where he wanted you, and now he's showing his real self. This is not a good man.

Zleep · 02/10/2023 10:09

From reading your posts, it seems like you already know you need to leave him. I'm sorry that it's hard, but you sound strong and capable of building a better future for you and your kids. Good luck.

MammaTo · 02/10/2023 11:06

Do you really want your daughter witnessing these arguments? Leave him and probably don’t have anymore babies for a while.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2023 11:13

He targeted you deliberately in order to abuse you. In order to do that he love bombed you. He thought as you're a single mother you are so desperate for male company that you'd eventually put up with any old shit. Which you have until now.

You do not love him; you love the idea of him. You likely have no idea of what a mutually respectful relationship is like because no-one's ever bothered to show you. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse and or poor life experiences, are being further eroded by this man now. He is also no role model for your 12 year old daughter. Would you want her to be in a relationship with someone like this, hell no. Raise your relationship bar a lot higher than its current sub level and get this man out of your day to day lives for good. Its your property so getting him removed should be straight forward enough; enlist the help of friends and or the police if necessary.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme going forward as this will help in your ongoing recovery from his abuses of you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. DO not let this individual back into their lives.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2023 11:15

If he is also that desperate to see his son, he can see his child in a contact centre. Do not let him into your home. I would also pursue a child maintenance claim for his child.

Patchworksack · 02/10/2023 11:16

I think it would be really helpful for you to do the Freedom Course. It must have been tough being a single mum for 8 years, if someone comes along and shows you attention and flattery it’s easy to see why you rushed into a relationship. As soon as you are tied by the baby his true colours show.
It’s so difficult to answer threads like this because it’s too late to say don’t rush in, don’t bring a boyfriend into your child’s life, don’t get pregnant to someone you barely know…. You are where you are.
Stay strong, keep him kicked out, he can start paying you CM if he isn’t already and discuss access to the baby and later on how you’ll share custody. Work on your self worth and don’t let anyone treat you like this in future.

BigPussyEnergy · 02/10/2023 11:21

I left a man I loved very deeply because I didn’t want my kids to think that the way he behaved was acceptable. My pain and heartache was nothing compared to how I’d have felt knowing that my daughter could end up being treated the same way or my sons could think this was appropriate masculine behaviour.

Put your kids first and don’t let this nasty twat back into your life. If he wants to see his son he can do it elsewhere, preferably with his mum or a responsible family member present as he’s clearly a shit dad to treat you this way and shout loud enough to wake the baby. Best case scenario he loses interest in his son and fucks off completely.

MartyFunkhouser · 02/10/2023 11:21

If you care about your children, you will put them first and get out of this toxic and abusive relationship. Do you want this to be their normal? They deserve better, as do you.

Bananalanacake · 02/10/2023 11:26

He's gone? Great, don't let him back in, throw his stuff in binbags for him to collect from outside the house.

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