My partner talks to me like shit and shows me no love or care! Do I stay or go?

[Kassy1206]

So I've been with my partner now fiance for nearly 2 years, im 33, hes 45 we have a son that's now 6 months old. Since being pregnant and having our son I jus feel its constant arguments and bickering, he speaks to me so disrespectfully, calls me a bitch, talks over me so I can't finish a sentence. He shouts in front of the kids at me, sometimes waking up the baby from his nap and I also have a 12 Yr old daughter from a previous relationship that adores him but has to Hear him shouting at me. I'm not saying he doesn't have his good points coz he does but the arguing has got to a point where its every day more or less and its bringing me to a new low! When I've tried to talk and communicate with him he jus rolls his eyes and mumbles shit or says whatever. We've split up once before over how he talks to me and the constant lack of affection and care. I literally have to ask him for a cuddle or a kiss. And when we do row and I get so upset, n cry he doesn't bat an eyelid. But it's making me so low within myself and damaging my self esteem, and making me anxious all the time..he works nights so I do all day and all night with the baby, then when he does have days off he ain't interested in spending time with me or showing me any love whatsoever.
I dunno what to do? Coz I love him but I know it's making me so unhappy but same time I know I've now jus had his son and jus feel slightly trapped in the situation. Use to be such a strong confident woman, and now I jus feel trodden down, weak and shit in myself. Jus scared to make the wrong decision, cos I know he wants to come home but I don't wanna end up back in same situation again coz he always promises he'll be better and always goes back to this.
Jus want some advice plz.

Hi op
I feel for you. I also got pregnant with a COVID romance and was engaged to him and he got meaner during the pregnancy I was chasing the high of the honeymoon period through my
Whole pregnancy wishing he would be like that again. He walked out on me so the decision was taken out of my hands, it's so hard and there will be a lot of grieving to do but if you can be brave I think you should tell him to leave. He's unlikely to change but

IF you have hope that he might one day respect you and be nice again than the only way to make him do this is to have firm boundaries and self respect and standards and show him you'd rather be a single mum
Than a disrespected doormat. Please don't hold your breath for him to change but this is the only small chance that he might.

Because you have a little baby and your vulnerable and you were so in love. Don't beat yourself up you're being very brave now you're realizing it's time to stand up for yourself x

I am vulnerable and I am in love with him, but he isn't the same man I fell in love with. And I jus wanna point out that he is a great dad and yh arguing and shouting around the kids is not acceptable and that's why now I'm sticking to my guns even more because I don't want my daughter or son thinking that this is acceptable behaviour.
I'm tryna be brave now and jus keep to it, jus hard when so many feelings are involved and he's there telling me he's sorry n loves me. Jus wish he'd change but I know he won't.
See I'd say it isn't abuse but then I suppose abuse comes in alot of forms. I jus feel very lost right now.

You say you're in love with who he used to be. But that was a pretence. It wasn't the real him. Decent, loving people don't change suddently into people who talk to their DP like shit and show them no love and care.

He was never a good person. He was pretending, and then once you were pregnant, he switched to his true self, because he thought he had got you under control.

Let's face it, he didn't even have to pretend for long, just a few months! You didn't have any time to get to know the real him.

So when you yearn for those happy days, remind yourself they weren't real. He was pretending to be something he wasn't. He isn't a decent person. He isn't a loving person. He isn't a good partner. He isn't good father material. It will be damaging your daughter seeing how he treats you.

@Kassy1206 He is ABSOLUTELY NOT A GREAT DAD.

Great dads don't call the mother of their children bitches, treat them like rubbish and all this in front of your daughter. In no way is he her step father but he's her brother's father and therefore a father figure. Do you realise you can't compartmentalise his behaviour towards you and the children? It all mixes in.

In what way do you think he's a great dad? You wrote

he is a great dad and yh arguing and shouting around the kids is not acceptable

Can't you see?

Jesus christ wtf are you teaching your DD about relationships? How the f have you allowed him to take to you like this for the second/third et al time? The moment he first spoke to you like that especially in front of your DD you should have told him to fuck off and never let him back in again.

Stop telling yourself you love him and find your self respect. This IS NOT HOW MEN TREAT WOMEN.

This is going to damage your DD so bad and she will end up thinking this is normal behaviour in adults. Why set her up to accept this from future partners? Because that's what you're doing here

Leave this bag of garbage asap.

Are you back at work OP? Can you get back so you have some money coming in? Do you have a nursery place?

What’s holding you back from leaving him? It’s your house.

Well done for putting this man out of your house. Change the locks and never let him back in. He can spend time with DS at his own place.

He isn’t a great Dad. If he was he wouldn’t be calling you a bitch and shouting at you in front of your DC.

No way does your DD adore him.

You can do it OP!

Since being pregnant and having our son I jus feel its constant arguments and bickering, he speaks to me so disrespectfully, calls me a bitch, talks over me so I can't finish a sentence. He shouts in front of the kids at me, sometimes waking up the baby from his nap and I also have a 12 Yr old daughter from a previous relationship that adores him but has to Hear him shouting at me.

It's deeply troubling you describe this man as "a great dad".

He is abusing you in front of the children, including a ten year old girl (at one of the most crucial ages for learning about relationship dynamics) who you say 'adores him' despite hearing him shout at you.

I think you think this is a plus / a positive. It's not. The fact she 'adores' a man that shouts at her mum is terrifying. She has either now completely normalised men abusing women or she is masking her fear by pretending she 'adores' him because she's scared of him. Or a bit of both.

If you stay in this relationship, you're training your daughter to be with an abusive man herself as an adult. You must let that fuel your next steps.

If this continues and you stay with him you’re setting up your daughter and other kids up for similar relationship dynamics in future - you and him are modelling how relationships go. (Are you sure she adores him - that’s already concerning if so. There’s nothing adorable about a tyrant).

You know you’re worth so much more than to take this shit. So don’t. Tell him to pull his socks up or piss off.

Just to be really clear OP - he is a scumbag.

The reason you're doubting yourself is because, as you said, you used to be a strong woman and he's knocked all of your confidence away. But you can do this and get back tonthe strong woman you used to be. You need space from this man. You're wasting energy on him and eventually you'll resent him, if you don't already in some way. Don't let your dcs see you allowing yourself to be treated so badly.
He's not the man you thought he was. You're in love with a fantasy as that man doesn't exist and won't return to that man as he has now shown his true colours.

“IF you have hope that he might one day respect you and be nice again than the only way to make him do this is to have firm boundaries and self respect and standards and show him you'd rather be a single mum
Than a disrespected doormat. Please don't hold your breath for him to change but this is the only small chance that he might.”

He will not change. Don’t waste energy hoping he will.
People who behave like that, and with children around, are complete fuckheads - that is what makes them act in ways that normal people wouldn’t dream of doing.

Don’t inflict him on your children.

I've already left him. Threw him out last week. And I teach my daughter well, and she knows that this is not acceptable and so do I hence why I asked him to leave because I'm putting my children 1st.

I already threw him out last week, I just mean it's hard to complete break away as I have feelings deeply 4 him. And my son is only 6months old so won't be going bk to work any time soon. X

Well, what part of this man who at best ignores you
and at worst verbally abuses you in front of your children, is it that you love?

is the reason you love him more important than or does it outweigh yours and your children’s well being?

My daughter is 12 and your taking my words outta context. Yes when we row he is nasty and shouts. And it isn't right or acceptable for my daughter to hear no! Hence why I've threw him out last week. When I say she adores him I mean, he's took her on as his own, they have a close relationship and bond, he does everything her own dad never has...they love each other. And yes of course it isn't right for her to hear him shout at me...or to see me cry. And I've sat her down and told her what's not acceptable. My daughter is very switched on and she knows what's right and wrong.

Of course it doesn't! My children always and will always come 1st. And that's why I've threw him out last week because I will not put up with the rows and shouting in front of the kids.

If not for yourself, leave for your children. That is no role model for your son on how to treat women, nor for your daughter on how she should be treated by future partners.

Almost every post is how you love him. He is awful. How awful for your daughter to have witnessed that.

So glad you’ve already got him to leave, you’ve done the hardest part already.

Keep remembering there are other, better fish in the sea who don’t and won’t behave like he has been doing.

And that he won’t change - hopefully that’ll help keep you firm when you’re feeling low and if he asks to come back.

Why would you want to stay for more of the same?

Gently OP, you said (since breaking up with him) that he is a "great dad" which is why people have been quite blunt with you about the effect on your daughter in particular.

You view him as a father figure for her, saying he 'took her on as his own' and that she adores him and called him a "great dad" despite the fact he abuses her mother, in front of her.

That's the thing that people are concerned about, that you still view him as a "great dad" despite that behaviour.

Oh fgs, people, read the OPs posts - she has already thrown the idiot out! She's done the important bit, so it's OK to reflect on why she still has some residual feelings for him.

Since most of her posts are about how much she loves him she’s clearly at risk of taking him back. He should never have been doing everything for her a father would, they’ve been together less than 2 years!

The more posters making it clear how unacceptable his behaviour has been and how unwise the speed at which she rushed things was, how this isn’t what love looks, sounds or feels like, how awful a position she’s put not one but two children in, hopefully the less likely she is to brush it all under the carpet. The justifications are mounting up, the perennial “but he’s a great dad”, “coz I love him”. It’s understandable to grieve the end of a relationship but this one has been a very bad one and she’s not just an adult who’s made mistakes. She’s a parent to two vulnerable children who rely on her completely and she owes it them to make and keep their home safe and happy.