Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm assuming porn

87 replies

hellthe22 · 01/10/2023 11:04

Hi everyone . So I have been meeting up with a guy I have got on with so well over the last few months . Up until Friday we hadn't even kissed . I needed to take things slow . And I told him this and he was ok with it thankfully .

So last night we went on a date . We went to a beautiful restaurant in London and then when back to his apartment. We had planned to lay in bed watch films and eat loads of crap.

As soon as I got there we had a kiss and cuddle and went to bed . The film was on two minutes before we started kissing and then obviously that led to sex . I don't feel like he forced me at all but I didn't feel 100 percent really but at this point we got carried away and started doing it .

So this is where I'm thinking I don't know what's wrong . We had sex for 6 hours . Could be more and I am dead ! But all this time his Willy was going half soft and he couldn't finish at all !

He was very rough as well . Iv never had relationships where sex has been this way but he was holding me down hard with his hand in my wrists and grabbing my hair really hard.

Now what I have read on here it's got to be death grip maybe and I'm hoping that he's not really that aggressive in bed but he felt like maybe from watching porn 'he had been single for 2 years ' that that's what we want ? .

Apart from the sex he's the most caring and loving person I have met. But this is giving my the ick so bad . He even tried finishing himself off but it just wants happening .

Any advice what could be going on please ? Thankyou

OP posts:
junbean · 02/10/2023 06:39

My gut reaction was "That's scary, I hope she never sees him again." Just being totally honest. Maybe reading about him holding you down triggered a similar event in my past, so I'm reacting to that. Huge red flag at least. Even if I'm wrong, you should give yourself some time to process. It can take time to see things for what they really are. So before you see him again, really examine how he made you feel. There's better out there. And the ED issues can be another huge red flag as you suspected.

ChaToilLeam · 02/10/2023 06:44

He sounds fucking shit in bed. Would not want a repeat. And yes, cocaine.

junbean · 02/10/2023 06:51

Orio2023 · 01/10/2023 21:06

Apart from the sex he's the most caring and loving person I have met

Read that back.

No way would I spend 6 hours fake fucking someone with a limp dick. Even him being rough wasn’t exciting enough. I would wonder what it would take for him to get properly aroused.

"I wonder what it would take to get properly aroused." - Exactly what I was thinking. Nothing good there.

chickstock · 02/10/2023 06:55

It how was it for you over the six hours? Did you get off over and over or were you left waiting for six long hours? It doesn't sound like he's worried about what was going on for you or that you're even worried what was going on for you.

Original poster
hellthe22 · 02/10/2023 06:59

Hi I'm back so sending an update . I seen him again last night . And guess what ! The sex was exactly the same . First go in to bed and his Willy is hard it goes in easy but with past partners the always finish no limpless intbeween or nothing . Like I said in the other post he tried finish him self off and he basically nearly give himself a heart attack and Still didn't get finish

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 02/10/2023 07:14

I'm surprised you went back for more tbh.

The roughness with a totally new partner without asking or being encouraged to be rough is not good.

As for him not being able to finish ..... Who knows why.

He was, to me, partly being rough the last time, to try to get himself to finish.
He also can't even finish himself by hand.

Something going on there.

It could be excessive porn use .... They then can't climax in normal sex situations. Someone above said that death grip has been debunked, im not so sure, but the fact is excessive porn use is not just an issue due to that; it's an issue due to them not being able to get enough visual etc. stimulation from regular sex with someone, due to them being wired to climax from porn, not from real sex.

May e he has a medical condition that affects his ability to.climax (?). It he taking medication, or is taking rec drugs as others have said.

No matter what, it's shit sex.

Is he even helping you/making you come during this??

GilbertMarkham · 02/10/2023 07:16

I'd be inclined to go with excessive porn use .... Because his behaviour during sex is so porn-y (being rough and just assuming that's ok/normal).

RantyAnty · 02/10/2023 07:31

How grim.

Did you start mentality making your grocery list and reorganizing your closet while he was busy jackhammering?

Lucious1000 · 02/10/2023 07:33

So I'm reading back my response....

Have you tried talking to him about this?

You seem to like him.

I've just started dating someone. We have had a very open conversation about sex from the beginning. What she likes, what I like. What is acceptable, what is not.

Nobody really wants to have sex for 6 hours. Sometimes I don't climax, but I wouldn't put someone through sex for 6 hours. Doesn't bother me if I don't climax.

He might be taking coke, but the massive leap in judgement on here is usual bizarre.

Yes. If he's been single, as a poster said he is used to his own hand. I can make myself climax quite easily. I have to tell a woman (now that I'm not afraid to) what I like.

Just have a conversation. It's probably as simple as that. If it doesn't change, if he's not receptive.....Dump and run.

Bearpawk · 02/10/2023 07:36

Could be various things not just 'death grip' which is often claimed on here.
Performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, too much booze, cocaine....

Either way, or doesn't sound very pleasant and I wouldn't be rushing to see him again.

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/10/2023 10:43

hellthe22 · 02/10/2023 06:59

Hi I'm back so sending an update . I seen him again last night . And guess what ! The sex was exactly the same . First go in to bed and his Willy is hard it goes in easy but with past partners the always finish no limpless intbeween or nothing . Like I said in the other post he tried finish him self off and he basically nearly give himself a heart attack and Still didn't get finish

To be honest if he can't even finish himself off it sounds like performance anxiety.

He may struggle less with it as he gets more comfortable with you, but given that you're not really enjoying the sex anyway, why wait around to find out?

Lucious1000 · 02/10/2023 10:49

@Bobbotgegrinch

What a lovely response.

I'd just like to add that why not give him time to realise what he is doing.

He might be mortified and want to understand.

Or

He might just be a complete dick. But she can walk away whenever she wants.

Whataretheodds · 02/10/2023 10:55

I'm not sure why it's relevant whether he watches porn or not.

You've been at 0 physically for months then accelerate straight to 60. I thought you wanted to take it slow?

Have you told him what you like? You could have spent 6 hours well, gradually getting to know each other's bodies and touch and exploring what you like and don't.

The litmus test will be how he responds when you tell him the things you'd prefer he didn't do (ideally you'll also have 'but I loved it when you did x' or 'I'd love it if you did Y' to hand as well).

If he gets angry or defensive then you know you're better off out of it.

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/10/2023 10:56

@Lucious1000

I'm all for giving someone time to get comfortable, hell I've suffered from erectile dysfunction myself due to nerves and am very appreciative of the women who gave me a chance.

But when that happened I tried to make sure that my partner enjoyed the experience, whereas in this case OP is being subjected to six hours of very rough sex that she's not enjoying, while this guy focuses on trying to come.

It's not OPs responsibility to put up with that just so a guy she barely knows can sort out whatever issues he has.

Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 11:09

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/10/2023 10:56

@Lucious1000

I'm all for giving someone time to get comfortable, hell I've suffered from erectile dysfunction myself due to nerves and am very appreciative of the women who gave me a chance.

But when that happened I tried to make sure that my partner enjoyed the experience, whereas in this case OP is being subjected to six hours of very rough sex that she's not enjoying, while this guy focuses on trying to come.

It's not OPs responsibility to put up with that just so a guy she barely knows can sort out whatever issues he has.

This.
I had a fella eons ago who had ED...he never told me he used viagra secretively. He waited to reel me in, get me hooked then drop that little snippet. It turned out he was in the closet but i think thats irrelevant here. It could be Performance based...it could be porn..need to talk with him

Lucious1000 · 02/10/2023 11:32

I agree but maybe he needs to have the ability to talk to a partner about it.

We all need understanding sometimes and we all don't need to go or visit a doctor, let alone pay.

Listening. In the interim.

TheSpruce · 02/10/2023 11:46

I'm not a bloke but I'd imagine not keeping an erection going for hours is rather normal? Unless you come, have a break, start again. Even as a woman, I couldn't stay aroused for that long without any satisfactory conclusion. It sounds like a poor show from both of you tbh.

YouJustDoYou · 02/10/2023 11:49

hellthe22 · 02/10/2023 06:59

Hi I'm back so sending an update . I seen him again last night . And guess what ! The sex was exactly the same . First go in to bed and his Willy is hard it goes in easy but with past partners the always finish no limpless intbeween or nothing . Like I said in the other post he tried finish him self off and he basically nearly give himself a heart attack and Still didn't get finish

Urgh, nothing worse than half soft dick. Sounds like as you said, he's got the porn death grip and real vag doesn't do it for him anymore. It's not going to change anytime soon op.

josuk · 02/10/2023 11:53

@hellthe22
I am not sure anyone - including OP -
can diagnose this guy. And i don’t think jumping to assumptions (porn, coke, etc) is helpful or fair.

Lots of different issues can lead to anorgasmia in men - not all as sinister - including certain medications, for eg antidepressants.

However - diagnosis aside it still leaves OP with what’s next.
Personally - I don’t get the approach of waiting for months to have sex. As sexual compatibility is really important to me and is part of getting to know the other person.

And encounter like she described after a few weeks of knowing the other person would be much easier to deal with. She’d simply moved on - with not much time wasted on her side.

As it is - she had already invested months into this and almost feels the pressure to try to see if this can work.
Personally - I think any man who isn’t aware that a 6 hour session of the sort OP described is NOT what a woman dreams about - unless discussed previously - is not going to be a good partner. Too self absorbed and not caring about his partner.

And OP - you need to find your voice and not just go with whatever the man wants. If he is too rough - you need to say something. He cant read your mind. (Some people may in fact enjoy being grabbed and hair puling)

I don't know what i’d do in your place. I guess you can try to talk to him and see what he says.

There may not be a solution, you may simply not be compatible.

But who knows - maybe there is something that can be figured out.

Horseskeepmesane · 02/10/2023 12:25

Sounds truly gross, I would puke!!!! Why are you still interested?

Dramatico · 02/10/2023 12:38

It sounds horrific and if you don't like six hours of sawing and roughness why are you submitting to it?

champagneandff · 02/10/2023 12:50

Did you orgasm? Did you feel desired? How much of those 6 hours did he spend touching you? Did he ask before pulling your hair and pinning you down?

I'd walk away, he seems at best, very ignorant, at worst, dangerous. You deserve better

whyareywelikethis · 02/10/2023 15:25

God the contributions from men on this thread are vile.

"Don't assume your fanny isn't tight"

"Don't assume you can't turn him on"

OP hasn't vocalised either of those things, have the men posting here considered that OP is vocalising that she thinks this bloke has a problem, not her?

OP six hours of unsatisfying sex that leaves you struggling to walk is not worth going back for.

Although I wouldn't have been up for lying in bed eating crap food this early on in a relationship either!

StanleyGoodspeed · 02/10/2023 15:34

I got thrush from just reading this

Urrgh, I would not be into a 6 hour rough shagathon at all, thank god I am old 😬

Lucious1000 · 02/10/2023 16:17

whyareywelikethis · 02/10/2023 15:25

God the contributions from men on this thread are vile.

"Don't assume your fanny isn't tight"

"Don't assume you can't turn him on"

OP hasn't vocalised either of those things, have the men posting here considered that OP is vocalising that she thinks this bloke has a problem, not her?

OP six hours of unsatisfying sex that leaves you struggling to walk is not worth going back for.

Although I wouldn't have been up for lying in bed eating crap food this early on in a relationship either!

The female comments are one sided too.

Just to be clear....

It's not okay, it's not good. But...

If it were me I'd be just having a conversation......

It can be cleared up or not with a simple conversation. Simple and basic communication.

What happens if the OP encounters another situation like this in the future where communication is required.

Should she run???

Swipe left for the next trending thread