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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think the man I love is a bad person

53 replies

accidentaldecisions · 01/10/2023 01:32

I have just spent six years, mostly painful, with someone who does terrible things to me.

Cliche of a story: troubled childhood, trauma as an adult.

I don't doubt he loves me more than he's loved any other person, but he will not stop doing terrible things to me.

Each time he does, I get the same stories:

"it was an accident"
"I am sorry, I love you"

So I leave, and then when I leave, he does something a hundred times worse with the excuse "you had left me!".

he doesn't sit there and think "she's left I better solve the problem". He thinks "she has left me, I might as well go nuclear".

Is it cheating?

It was, once, a few years ago. Mostly it's just life choices. If I tell him something is important to me, or that I really need something - he does the opposite.

Not all the time, but enough.

He is sometimes lovely, and always seems so genuinely sorry and so confused and at first I was able to persuade myself he would learn.

Now I know that's not true.

I am not really sure what the point of this post is, but mostly I think it's to not feel alone right now.

This man has sucked the life out of me. I have paid with a pound of flesh for every one of his bad decisions he claimed to have made by accident. I am a shadow of who I was really.

I am not sure who he is. I struggle with believing he is a narcissist or anything like that. I think maybe he is just a completely fucked up human being who is incapable of real love,

Has anyone had this?

After you left, what happened? Did you feel better one day?

Right now I just feel like a washed up, spent nothing.

And there isn't anyone to comfort me because the very person harming me is my "person".

OP posts:
RandomForest · 01/10/2023 01:39

How is he harming you, physically ?

bemorebernard · 01/10/2023 01:43

Leave him permanently. Contact women's aid . They'll help .

bemorebernard · 01/10/2023 01:44

I left an abusive man . I'm so
Much happier alone . I left with my dog and a suitcase. You can do it .

WombTangClan · 01/10/2023 01:45

He is not 'Your Person'. He is your abuser who is grinding you down and taking your life from you piece by piece.
You can be free. This is no way to live. Contact women's aid. They can help you and will help you .

BabyFireflyx · 01/10/2023 01:46

What has he done to you up to now? You can't not include it if you're looking for real advice.

RandomForest · 01/10/2023 01:49

"it was an accident"
"I am sorry, I love you"

You have to understand it's not an accident, it's on purpose, and they never stop when you're with a fucked up bastard.

14blackcrows · 01/10/2023 01:50

You need to really decide to end this. Amd stick by that no matter what happens. Block him on all sources of communication. Focus on something else. It's a cliche but time is a great healer. It will get easier. You have trauma bonded to this person. Your life will be so much better without them in the end but there will be an initial stage where its painful. You need to put your big girl pants on and just get thru it. Don't call him don't answer his calls. Move on with your life.

Greengrassohla · 01/10/2023 01:52

What has he done to you up to now? You can't not include it if you're looking for real advice

Yes she can. She can do whatever she likes. She hasn’t asked for advice, she says she just wants to feel less alone.

caringcarer · 01/10/2023 01:57

OP, you have said this man has sucked the life out of you, you know he is not capable of change, you have to choose if you can go through the rest of your life living this miserable existence knowing he never has your back or you can choose to move on and make your life happier. My ex was similar and no matter how hard I tried or however many chances I gave him he hurt me so much, cheated on me and broke my heart. One day I just sat and cried and cried and thought, nothing on earth can be worse than this. At this point I chose to leave him. My life improved quite quickly without him dragging me down.

Original poster
accidentaldecisions · 01/10/2023 01:58

No, he is not violent

OP posts:
AngelinaSpin · 01/10/2023 01:58

please - get out before there’s nothing left of you. You do not deserve this.
Sending you strength, love, and peace going forward

RandomForest · 01/10/2023 02:09

Are you able to to tell us about him, he's obviously emotionally abusive.

You can never win with these types.

If you need someone to talk to, phone the Smaritans.
If you just want to type there will be people on here who will support you.

HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 02:45

I had a violent childhood. I am not a bad person. I work very hard not to be a bad person, because I know the damage that being a bad person causes to those around you. "I had a traumatic childhood, so let me treat you like shit" is manipulative BS.

Life is too short to let someone else hurt you. There is no reward at the end because you allowed someone to treat you like garbage, no matter what society tells women, it's simply not true.

End it. Permanently.

Original poster
accidentaldecisions · 01/10/2023 02:56

I don't really know how to describe what he's done. It has just been a long consistent headfuck of someone simultaneously saying they love you and then doing things you don't do to people that you love.

Promises never kept. Commitments never kept. Decisions in life are generally ones that make my life awful but his better. Then tears and begging.

He has more or less systematically destroyed my life but by bit. He made his life better, his own situation more secure and better, but destroyed all mine.

And I just kept on believing him, every time.

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 03:06

As my grandmother says, "You do the best you can for as long as you can, and then you save yourself."

SAVE YOURSELF. You are worth it.

coronafiona · 01/10/2023 08:20

I am not a LTB person generally. But.
-It makes no sense to stay with someone systematically making your life worse. Because you will end up even worse then you are today and the future needs to look brighter not darker

  • he is making you unhappy. Really, really unhappy. That is not love. Being alone, safe, free and living in peace is a far better option, and leaves you free to meet someone else in time.

He doesn't love you, he's not nice to you. You must leave for the sake of your future.

I'm sorry.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 01/10/2023 08:25

You have two choices, keep going as you are or to leave.

Treebark · 01/10/2023 08:30

You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That phrase, while rather glib, helped me.

Another one. Love isn't supposed to feel bad. It just isn't.

You'll feel empty. Adrift. Free eventually. You'll play act at being who you think you might like to be, a woman who does yoga, or who makes soup or who listens to radio 4 and classical music. You'll try these things and they won't fit and you'll try again and realised that while you hate yoga and classical music, you like soup. You'll listen to audiobooks or the radio to fall asleep because your sleep will disintegrate otherwise and the nights are scary, and take up hobbies which you realise don't have to be all consuming but just something you do occasionally.

You'll gradually feel steadier. Not the wild highs or lows. It'll rain and be winter and then eventually spring will come and you'll feel a tiny seed of hope after feeling numb for so long.

You'll keep going and you'll learn to value quiet because at least you can't hear the sound of you crying any more.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 01/10/2023 08:33

What do you love about him OP?

Brocollimatilda · 01/10/2023 08:39

Do you have or want children with this man? The lack of commitment & poor life decisions mean he probably isn’t going to be capable of being a
stable father, unless he wakes up and works really hard to change.

You do sound miserable - and that isn’t right. It must be time to out yourself first and find someone who will be there for you. I’m sorry OP.

Brocollimatilda · 01/10/2023 08:43

Oh and I doubt he is a bad person, but fucked up childhoods do tend to produce people who don’t know how to be in a relationship. It’s not always fixable - sadly. Does he want to change?

RandomMess · 01/10/2023 09:09

You really do need to leave. It is deliberate he is USING you to better his own life.

He doesn't love you, never has.

Woman's Aid, freedom programme.

LIZS · 01/10/2023 09:14

He won't change and he does not love you.

Lifesingflowers · 01/10/2023 09:47

He's an narcissistic. Look it up and it might help you. It's hard to leave abusive relationship especially with narcissistic people. You need to leave, as hard as it may be. The fact you are questioning his behaviour is enough to know its not healthy.

TheClitterati · 01/10/2023 09:50

This book will help.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men amzn.eu/d/bHRxBdu