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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think the man I love is a bad person

53 replies

accidentaldecisions · 01/10/2023 01:32

I have just spent six years, mostly painful, with someone who does terrible things to me.

Cliche of a story: troubled childhood, trauma as an adult.

I don't doubt he loves me more than he's loved any other person, but he will not stop doing terrible things to me.

Each time he does, I get the same stories:

"it was an accident"
"I am sorry, I love you"

So I leave, and then when I leave, he does something a hundred times worse with the excuse "you had left me!".

he doesn't sit there and think "she's left I better solve the problem". He thinks "she has left me, I might as well go nuclear".

Is it cheating?

It was, once, a few years ago. Mostly it's just life choices. If I tell him something is important to me, or that I really need something - he does the opposite.

Not all the time, but enough.

He is sometimes lovely, and always seems so genuinely sorry and so confused and at first I was able to persuade myself he would learn.

Now I know that's not true.

I am not really sure what the point of this post is, but mostly I think it's to not feel alone right now.

This man has sucked the life out of me. I have paid with a pound of flesh for every one of his bad decisions he claimed to have made by accident. I am a shadow of who I was really.

I am not sure who he is. I struggle with believing he is a narcissist or anything like that. I think maybe he is just a completely fucked up human being who is incapable of real love,

Has anyone had this?

After you left, what happened? Did you feel better one day?

Right now I just feel like a washed up, spent nothing.

And there isn't anyone to comfort me because the very person harming me is my "person".

OP posts:
PickleDig · 01/10/2023 10:02

Can you give some examples of the broken promises (alter them a bit if could be outing) and decisions he's made that help him but not you?

I don't think it will get better. Men like this tend to have a trail of destruction they've caused in the past, what were his previous relationship(s) like? Is he on good terms with other people or have they also suffered?

Sorry OP that you are going through this.

RandomForest · 01/10/2023 13:57

Treebark · 01/10/2023 08:30

You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That phrase, while rather glib, helped me.

Another one. Love isn't supposed to feel bad. It just isn't.

You'll feel empty. Adrift. Free eventually. You'll play act at being who you think you might like to be, a woman who does yoga, or who makes soup or who listens to radio 4 and classical music. You'll try these things and they won't fit and you'll try again and realised that while you hate yoga and classical music, you like soup. You'll listen to audiobooks or the radio to fall asleep because your sleep will disintegrate otherwise and the nights are scary, and take up hobbies which you realise don't have to be all consuming but just something you do occasionally.

You'll gradually feel steadier. Not the wild highs or lows. It'll rain and be winter and then eventually spring will come and you'll feel a tiny seed of hope after feeling numb for so long.

You'll keep going and you'll learn to value quiet because at least you can't hear the sound of you crying any more.

What a good post.

From someone who has clearly experienced this type of loss, a loss which eventually will mean you will become safe.

It takes a long time, relief does not come instantly, especially if he has controlled you well, a control that extends to every fibre of your being.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 14:01

I think you have to shift your mind to see him as your abuser rather than your partner

He’s harming you deliberately, to grind you down and keep you under his control

what is your situation, how can you begin to leave him.

Yes you will feel better but you will need to recover which will take time

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 14:04

Treebark · 01/10/2023 08:30

You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That phrase, while rather glib, helped me.

Another one. Love isn't supposed to feel bad. It just isn't.

You'll feel empty. Adrift. Free eventually. You'll play act at being who you think you might like to be, a woman who does yoga, or who makes soup or who listens to radio 4 and classical music. You'll try these things and they won't fit and you'll try again and realised that while you hate yoga and classical music, you like soup. You'll listen to audiobooks or the radio to fall asleep because your sleep will disintegrate otherwise and the nights are scary, and take up hobbies which you realise don't have to be all consuming but just something you do occasionally.

You'll gradually feel steadier. Not the wild highs or lows. It'll rain and be winter and then eventually spring will come and you'll feel a tiny seed of hope after feeling numb for so long.

You'll keep going and you'll learn to value quiet because at least you can't hear the sound of you crying any more.

How incredibly wise

Ihatepickingausername3 · 01/10/2023 14:38

I’ve been there OP. Utterly soul destroying. I understand everything you say. I often think it might have been better if he had just slapped me… I would have left much sooner. The mind games are much more insidious.

Someone that truly loves you will never do that to you.

Leave. I did. Never been happier. Bit by bit my old self is coming back. Its only now six months in that I can admit how abusive it actually was and that’s because I finally feel safe.

Sending compassion and love your way x

Original poster
accidentaldecisions · 01/10/2023 17:41

It was like any other toxic mess. Completely different in the beginning.

We met, he was obviously very keen. He was the perfect gent. Always called when he said he would. No mucking around. Great dates, wonderful times and nothing at all was red flaggy.

He wasn't at all love bomby. Just nice and fun and very kind. He was sort of gentle and strong at the same time and if anything I felt like he was the one who liked me much more.

Trouble started to hit a year in. He just started doing really odd things that were really hurtful and acting bewildered when I was upset by it (and I am not easily upset). He would apologise very sincerely, and then do the same thing a few weeks later.

That next couple of years was never bad enough to leave. He just wasn't a "team player", which he always put down to his childhood and told me he wanted to get past it because he really loved me.

As we got to 3 - 4 years where couples start making choices to benefit the couple as a whole, he never did that. Actually we would discuss "choices" and then he'd do the complete opposite of what I wanted.

At first that was mildly annoying, and as the choices got bigger and bigger it started to become a real problem. He would do things which would impact me financially, mentally, emotionally and then grovelingly apologise and then do them again.

He's wasn't abusive to my face - he was incredibly kind and affectionate and on the surface did everything for me, but he made my life impossible to live in a reasonable way.

He would make anything I wanted such an ordeal that I would give up and stop wanting it. He would take my "red lines" and repeatedly cross them and then cry and beg and plead and put on a show like nothing you have ever seen before until I came back.

Because he was so outwardly nice and did a lot of things for me, he always made it difficult to really see it. He basically at the root of it just didn't care if his decisions or things he did really hurt me.

I slowly just became a different person.

I used to be really optimistic, and now I am hopeless. There's no point being hopeful because you plan and work towards something and no matter what it is, he pulls the rug out from under you at the last minute. Or if he doesn't, he shits all over it.

So say for example (made up scenario) I wanted to go on a trip for a family reunion and so I was excited and happy about it and making plans. He would completely ruin it by either....

  • Saying at the last minute he had work and couldn't go
  • Going, but complaining the entire time it was shit

He did that with everything I wanted - big things or small things. He was just completely incapable of loving (verb). Everything was ultimately about him and what he needed at any given moment.

That was hard to spot, because like I say he fawned over me and took really good care of me on the surface but fundamentally he liked playing house / affection and so on but deep down just didn't actually care about ME. My needs, hopes, or what was important to me in life.

He kept me there by playing the "I am just damaged" card a million times.

OP posts:
Brocollimatilda · 01/10/2023 18:06

Oh OP 😰

In answer to your original question, yes you will feel better because you will move on. I’m so sorry.

PonyPatter44 · 01/10/2023 18:27

People like him target people like you, OP. You sound like a kind, loving, compassionate woman, and people like him see you as something to break. Be glad that you have seen through his disguise, and run far away from him.

TheCatterall · 01/10/2023 18:31

@accidentaldecisions at the end of the day why give any shits as to delving into Whyyyyy he does this.

he just does. It doesn’t matter why. He’s toxic and you are allowing it to continue.

draw a line in the matter. Walk away. Do not let him back in.

Millybob · 01/10/2023 18:45

He didn't get you to this place overnight.
And you won't recover from him overnight. But you will. Read treebark's very wise advice. That's how to do it, one day at a time.
But the first step is to remove yourself. And refuse to provide him with an audience for his 'not my fault - I'm damaged' performance tactics. Think of him as a nasty emotional parasite. You need to flush him out of your system.

FMSucks · 01/10/2023 18:51

Please get out of this relationship OP. These abusers abuse to the point where you feel like you’re losing your mind. They grind you down to the point that you don’t even know who you are anymore. You become a shell of your former self. I know because I’ve lived it and the longer you stay the longer it takes to heal and get your life back. It’s taken me over 5 years but you can do it. One step at a time and I highly recommend lots of therapy so you recognise the issues and ensure you do not invite someone similar into your life ever again. Your partner should be your champion, your rock. You are worth so much more xx

Juststopamoment · 01/10/2023 18:56

Pretty sure that’s a trauma bond. They get you to the point where you can’t leave as you are so enmeshed to them. Also the initial stage he was probably mirroring what you wanted to get you. You need to get out. It’s emotional abuse.

Juststopamoment · 01/10/2023 18:58

And as others have said the only way to heal is to completely block him out on every level including social media. Been there and got out.

Marthachanged · 01/10/2023 19:09

As said: Rescue yourself. OP Don't feel guilty because it will not make him worse if you are not there. He will carry on as he chooses with or without you.
All the life he has sucked from you will not have helped him in any way. Robbing you of your personality is all that has happened. He will not have gained any enjoyment or pleasure. Those parts of his brain do not work.
Rescue yourself, it is all you can do for now. Then when safe, start to rebuild.

GilbertMarkham · 01/10/2023 19:35

He sounds like he has a personality disorder.

How old are you, would you like kids (if you don't already have them)?

Biology is not as kind to women as to men when it comes to having kids. We don't have as much time to waste with unsuitable partners and unsuitable potential fathers. We need to be "ruthless", we need to think about what we want and need.

You can fall in love with someone else. You just need to give yourself the chance. It takes time and no contact.
Eventually you'll look back and wonder how and why you stayed with him.

GilbertMarkham · 01/10/2023 19:37

which he always put down to his childhood

Which he went to intensive counselling for, right?

Because it was so important to him not to act out and act poorly to his life partner, who loved him and whom he loved.

Childhood Shmildhood. Heard it all before. It's in the script.

GilbertMarkham · 01/10/2023 19:40

by playing the "I am just damaged" card a million times.

Why would you want to make a life with someone who's "damaged"?

What was he doing to heal the damage?

It just sounds like convenient excuses.

Did you say he's cheated on you at least once too?

GilbertMarkham · 01/10/2023 19:45

*So say for example (made up scenario) I wanted to go on a trip for a family reunion and so I was excited and happy about it and making plans. He would completely ruin it by either....

  • Saying at the last minute he had work and couldn't go
  • Going, but complaining the entire time it was shit*

He sounds selfish and antisocial (in that context) and like he just can't be arsed, and wouldn't make the effort for your sake (because he's selfish). He should've said at the start that he can't be bothered making an effort with his GFS family etc. but clearly he's not honest and wants to pretend to be a nice person so he can't say "I can't be bothered hanging out and making an effort with your family, I want the benefits of the relationship without having to do the boring family/in law socialising stuff".

That type of man is not capable of compromise and effort. They're not really partber material. I know plenty of men who'd rather be doing other things than attending family gatherings and making small talk but they make a bit of an effort for their partners and often to show appreciation for whatever their in-laws do for them etc.

ChalaKaloo · 01/10/2023 19:59

OP, ive been there. With the difference that it was a long marriage and kids too..
Its incredibly hard to understand whats going on when you're in it. Im now nearly one year out and still feel this weird connection and longing for my ex, like i dont know how to move on. Trauma bond for sure. Luckily ive kept messages and recorded arguments, so i do know he is not good for me.
Now i only communicate with him by text so that everything that is agreed i have a record of. So that he cant play as if something wasnt agreed (to do with kids). Awful, awful, awful.. There is light outside your tunnel. Just leave that tunnel first.

StripeyDeckchair · 01/10/2023 20:12

He is NOT your "person"
Because if he was he wouldn't repeatedly "accidentally" do things to hurt, upset, demoralise and undermine you.
He wouldn't "forget" things you'd told him/asked him

He is abusive
Leave
Block & delete his contact details

AbbeyGailsParty · 01/10/2023 20:13

If you stay he’ll still be like this one year from now
5 years from now
10 years from now.
Leave, walk away. Block on everything.

Brocollimatilda · 01/10/2023 20:41

AbbeyGailsParty · 01/10/2023 20:13

If you stay he’ll still be like this one year from now
5 years from now
10 years from now.
Leave, walk away. Block on everything.

Sadly - unless you see major effort from him, that is led by him, organised by him and pushed for by him. This is true. Probably easier to cut your losses and leave now rather than later.

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/10/2023 06:13

Treebark · 01/10/2023 08:30

You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That phrase, while rather glib, helped me.

Another one. Love isn't supposed to feel bad. It just isn't.

You'll feel empty. Adrift. Free eventually. You'll play act at being who you think you might like to be, a woman who does yoga, or who makes soup or who listens to radio 4 and classical music. You'll try these things and they won't fit and you'll try again and realised that while you hate yoga and classical music, you like soup. You'll listen to audiobooks or the radio to fall asleep because your sleep will disintegrate otherwise and the nights are scary, and take up hobbies which you realise don't have to be all consuming but just something you do occasionally.

You'll gradually feel steadier. Not the wild highs or lows. It'll rain and be winter and then eventually spring will come and you'll feel a tiny seed of hope after feeling numb for so long.

You'll keep going and you'll learn to value quiet because at least you can't hear the sound of you crying any more.

A wonderful post❤️

ReadySalty · 02/10/2023 06:17

You need to find the strength and courage to end a relationship that is detrimental to your happiness, health and well being.

Don't waste your time and energy trying to work him out - you never will.

Focus on yourself, your healing. Build a better life for yourself, by yourself. I promise that if you do this you'll have self respect and pride.