I think the man I love is a bad person

[accidentaldecisions]

I have just spent six years, mostly painful, with someone who does terrible things to me.

Cliche of a story: troubled childhood, trauma as an adult.

I don't doubt he loves me more than he's loved any other person, but he will not stop doing terrible things to me.

Each time he does, I get the same stories:

"it was an accident"
"I am sorry, I love you"

So I leave, and then when I leave, he does something a hundred times worse with the excuse "you had left me!".

he doesn't sit there and think "she's left I better solve the problem". He thinks "she has left me, I might as well go nuclear".

Is it cheating?

It was, once, a few years ago. Mostly it's just life choices. If I tell him something is important to me, or that I really need something - he does the opposite.

Not all the time, but enough.

He is sometimes lovely, and always seems so genuinely sorry and so confused and at first I was able to persuade myself he would learn.

Now I know that's not true.

I am not really sure what the point of this post is, but mostly I think it's to not feel alone right now.

This man has sucked the life out of me. I have paid with a pound of flesh for every one of his bad decisions he claimed to have made by accident. I am a shadow of who I was really.

I am not sure who he is. I struggle with believing he is a narcissist or anything like that. I think maybe he is just a completely fucked up human being who is incapable of real love,

Has anyone had this?

After you left, what happened? Did you feel better one day?

Right now I just feel like a washed up, spent nothing.

And there isn't anyone to comfort me because the very person harming me is my "person".

This. Especially the bit about trying to work him out.

There is a big temptation to try and understand what happened, why he is doing what he's doing, what's going on in his head.

But truthfully, you will never get to the bottom of it. You will never understand, it will never fully make sense to you. That's something you have to accept. You have to disconnect yourself for your sanity.

It's really, really hard. One of the hardest things you'll do. But it will be so worth it.

I am several years on from a relationship not dissimilar to yours, and my life is now completely transformed. I honestly barely even think about that time in my life now.

It can and will happen OP but you have to be the one to flip that switch and disconnect from him. That's the first step. I had to go completely No Contact and it took several attempts to do so successfully, but I did, and you can too.

He sounds like he's on drugs, like hard drugs. Bottom line- He's abusive. There's better out there, why live like that? Being alone is a million times better than him. I promise. GTFO asap 💜

@accidentaldecisions

OP, this man is using you as a plaything to satisfy whatever emptiness he has in what passes for his soul. He is a carnivore playing with it's prey and you need to find the strength and the nerve to get away from and to stay away, whatever he says or does.

You can already see what he's doing to you: now you need help to cut him out if your life.

If you can afford it get something professional, qualified 1:1 counselling that help you work out why you keep going back for more abuse from this manipulative man. He isn't your "person" OP - he isn't trustworthy and he is slowly destroying you and your potential future. 🌹