Am I being paranoid or should I be worried?

[floops]

I need your opinion on a situation that I feel is developing but may be totally wrong and misjudging unreasonably.
My husband works in an environment where a lot of affairs seem to have evolved amongst staff. Some of which have led to marriage break ups others are still ongoing and have been for many years despite both parties having spouses and children. My husband appointed a new assistant 1 1/2 years ago. They obviously work closely together. From time to time the whole team goes abroad on conferences together. Last October they all returned from one such trip. Since then I have found my husband blowing his assistant's trumpet to many of our friends who are in the same field as he is. Saying how good she is at her work, the extra courses she has taken how she needs to develop further etc. Until one day I finally gave him a look across the room when I realised he was at it again and thought hang on a minute you are surely not talking about her again. On his return from the october trip he wanted to partake in a certain sexual activity that he has not ever really liked or wanted to do before. I know there may not be any connection. At xmas he asked her what she wanted for a present. She said she did not mind. He told her to put a list together and she did. It was quite a long list of personal items such as perfume, face products, make up etc. None of which are cheap. I felt a bit funny about this because if one of my bosses said make a list I certainly would not be putting items that cost £80 on it. But maybe that is just me. Anyway he bought her the whole list and had it all gift wrapped at John Lewis. He told me he had bought the whole list but I had not seen the list at this point. It totalled £239 he later told me that he could not get everything on the list. So it would have cost more. He does not know that I know how much he spent but he does know I saw the list after xmas. I must add that my husband is a lovely bloke who is both generous and kind and generally looks after everyone and takes them under his wing etc. He spent the same amount of money on another assistant but she put it towards her scooter she was buying. This did not perturb me at all. On xmas morning I was given a box of perfume that I don't really wear anymore. I used to wear it as few years ago. He did say that he wasn't going to get me anything but just as he was leaving John Lewis saw this perfume and got it for me. It cost £60. I should add that we have a good marriage, just had child no. 4 last may and have a good sex life.

Since xmas this assistant texts him even at weekends about personal stuff. She is currently divorcing her husband and out every weekend with her friend looking for a new man. My husband has told me about a few she has sent. I have even checked his phone since. I would never do anything like this so my behaviour has been affected by this worrying. She texted him once when he was working away from home at 11.34pm on a friday night to say she had had a bad night. I was on the phone talking to my husband at that time. He then said I better go and get some sleep we said goodnight. When he came home the next night he said he had not managed to go tos leep until 2am. When I asked why he said because of his cold. I have wondered if he got off the phone from me and phoned her back. This I will never know.

Anyway I personally feel that their relationship is not very professional in terms of they talk a lot together about personal stuff, she texts him about personal stuff. I'm worried that she sees more in it than there is. He knows I think she texts him too much and that I'm worried. He obviously states I never have to worry about anything like that. But I feel that they are almost having an emotional affair without the sex! Does that make sense? Do you think she is being innappropriate? I don't think my husband sees anything inappropriate in their relationship with one another.

Am I being selfish and should just be grateful for having such a loving husband and four lovely children etc?

Good one Chipstick!

Ooh yes, say something like Chipstick did

Also ask her if she liked all the presents that you were sent to buy for her for Xmas and apologise for not getting everything on the list.

Housework,

I thought you wanted to step away. Why not heed your own advice and do so?

There's no need to lecture me and phantasize about my life.

Maybe you should get your own and stop berating people because of your own fears and insecurities.

I just feel sorry for you and have nothing else to say.

good grief - i think it's extremely rude to totally take over someonelse's thread with an arguement like this -notdoingthehousework you said you were walking away - i think you should do that.

LiarsPoker it has been interesting to read an ex-OW's viewpoint.

floops i hope you are ok

I was. I had had a good weekend. Went to a social do yesterday. She did not come. She has a new man now apparently and did not want to bring him for fear of my dh doing his usual and taking the micky out of people etc. and this making her and her new fellow uncomfortable. It was her friends house that we went to. Her friend is lovely and is 50 and happily married herself. She also works in the same place. She talked very highly of of myself and dh assistant. Generally a respectful person. My dh is a jovial person and does make people laugh in a nice way by taking the mick. They all respond fine to it. I'm sure she just did not want anything such as this to harm her relationship in the early days. I can understand this. So I suppose I'm saying that I don't think it was funny that she did not come.
However have just checked dh texts whilst he was in the shower. I hate doing this. Totally out of character and I feel so guilty. He would never trust me again and if he veer found out he would just delete texts when he receives them and then I would be none the wiser. Anyway saturday he worked with his assistant and someone else's. Saturday night I went to bed at about 10.30pm as knackered due to dd2 not sleeping well at mo. He had texted his assistant earlier to say thankyou for her hard work that day. (should say that dh was doing some private work on sat so them helping him is seperate from usual work and he pays them for it.) The texts this morning revealed that he also texted the other one repeatedly about talking and work etc. But this was between 11pm and 1pm. When personally I think this is not the time to be talking to work colleagues and I should have his attention. Has he now shifted his attention to some one else? Am I not enough for him emotionally? When he got out of the shower I could not even talk to him I had to go out of the room. As soon as he left for work and school I burst into tears. His he playing me for a fool. If I was one of his assistants receiving texts at that time of night I would think what is his wife doing? The question now is what do I do?

Sweetheart, I think you need to talk to him. The trouble is with 'waiting to see what happens' is that you still look for snippets of evidence to back up what you suspect and your imagination fills in the gaps, often with destructive and negative thoughts.

It may be that it is all completely harmless but, I do think that a lot of damage can be done by not talking to him.

Keep your chin up xx

You really do need to talk to him - what do you really think? Is there something going on or is it just work.

I think you need some rules here too. I agree he should be with you - even if it is inoccent on his part he is not giving a very good signal to others is he?

We are recovering from an affair - and i can totally relate to what you are saying and thinking too. He now realises that he doesnt need to be working at all hours and he rarely has his phone on him either - the time the affair was going on he used to get lots of calls and he would lie as to who it was - nearly always his boss!! so i wouldnt susspect.

I know lots of people still think it so necessary to have their phones/laptops weilded to them at all times but this really is not the case.

You need to have a talk with him and make him realise how you feel - even if it is all work, if it is making you feel like second best it is not good enough.

Good luck.

You sound as though you love your husband very much and were finding fault with him at the weekend because you are feeling insecure about the assistant. But do you think she'd be out trawling for men, or starting a new relationship if she was having an affair with dh?

He sounds like he's working many hours to provide a good life for his family. He works really hard, and maybe he's still thinking about work when he comes home and finds it hard to switch off. If he is texting during the wknd when you are having family time, then that does sound inappropriate, as his attentions should be focused on you and your children.

But at 11pm on sat night when you were in bed knackered, he was up on his own, so that sounds fair enough.

I work in a team of 3 and we text each other anytime of the day & night weekdays and weekends. We have a fab working relationship and just all get on really well.

Due to work we do spend more time together than we do with our partners and relationships like that don't just end when you leave the workplace.

My colleagues are 1 female and 1 'very' gay man so hubby is 100% certain e'd have nothing to worry about - however if he told me it annoyed him texting, I would certainly cut it down.

You have to talk to your hubby - you are torturing yourself and making yourself unhappy. xx

oh dear floops do you think perhaps you are just being paranoid?

why not have a chat with DH asking whether he is happy/satisfied in your marriage?
if it was my DP i would tell him that you're worried he is working too hard and that you need to spend more time together.

Have sat down last night and had a good chat. It did not go well to begin with but then my husband began to understand. He could see from my perspective why I suspected things. Not at first but when I explained to him had it been me and a male colleague texting each other late at night etc. He has said tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. I've really emphasised the texting each other at weekends and at night when there should be professional and marital boundaries. Especially with one of the assistants who last october on a conference tried to bed one of them! I said he needs to be careful or she will see it as something else.
I said the other thing is I'm not as involved socially with his work at the mo having had two babies close together. So when you don't always know the colleagues and they don't see / feel the wife's presence I think it makes a difference. No.4 is now 9mths and things have eased up so a social is planned at ours for definate in a few weeks with them all and that is the beginning.
Now his assistant has met someone elase we talked about the fact that she should not need to lean on him so much emotionally now especially when her divorce is finalised.

Basically we chatted about everything and tried to find solutions to help my emotional wellbeing and keep hubby happy too.

He is going to curb the texting and keep it to more normal hours. He has said he will stop talking about personal stuff and that it was never too the extent that I thought. I also don't think being at home has helped for me but I'm due back to work in five weeks time.

Thank you for your posts. I do trul;y feel that I have a loving genuine husband but even he admitted things from the outside did look shady. But from his perspective innocent.

I'm still reading the book though. I think it is good advice for anyone in a good relationship or bad.

Not sure what has happened to the order of this thread?

floops, so glad to hear you had a good talk with your DH last night, I think you did absolutely the right thing! It?s always best to be honest and talk things out. Good Luck.

I'm really glad you spoke to him floops. You do sound to have a good, strong marriage and dh sounds like he understands just what you're saying. You sound like you have everything in perspective too.

Hi Floops - have followed this thread but had nothing to add so just lurked

Sounds like you have dealt with the situation perfectly - i.e. together! I'm so pleased he understood things from your point of view. It does sound like he's just too nice and giving for his own good. You were right to emphasise that although things on his side were innocent, that his assistant could read more into it.

Good luck for the future, it sounds like you have a solid marriage there - keep those lines of communication wide open

I am in the strange situation.I suspected last year during our 6 month stay in a warmer climate.However,I wasn't 100%.Last year I happened to mention that my husband stared a lot over to the balcony that our young neighbour sat on.He started including her in to our conversations.At first I know he meant well.I have to say he enjoys speaking to people and loves kids. Her husband runs a bar and is out from mid-day until 3am.She must be lonely living like that.She hardly ever goes out and lives a prison or zoo like exsistance.She's attractive & has 3 young kids.We have a roof terrace that's private.I suggested we used it more to enable our privacy & not to include her continually as I felt it was not our problem she was loney she should discuss it with her husband.Whenever,her little ones called him even during meals he would jump up & look over the balcony at them.I asked that he controlled his reactions and didn't keep jumping to their calls.His reaction was whats the matter do you think I want to S* her or something.I was taken aback as he was confirming my suspisions.I continued to monitor and asked that if he wasn't infactuated by her, could he stop staring.Our six months were over,the winter is spent in a different country.During this spell he drank heavily & picked an argument nearly every night.He insulted me and my family no end.I restrained from reacting most times during his drunkeness.However,I made a habit of confronted him the next day.He was always sorrowful,but back to the same horrible person again that night.He made my life hell when I reflect on it now.We returned for our summer stint 6 weeks back.It quickly became apparent that the attraction is still there.I've also noticed how she seems to be more for it this time round.In fact this was my confirmation that they were having an emotional affair.I feel my husband instigated it in the first place.The odd thing is, there is no mobile phone or e-mail contact,she's Kurdish & can't speak English,he can speak a little Turkish.The affair runs on glances & secrative gestures.He started spending longer cleaning our pool this year & linkering on the patio in his own thoughts glancing up at her balcony.She makes herself available for the pool clean.Hubby is in bed until around mid-day.He's not aware what's going on.I started to monitor this behaviour & pattern.To make sure that it wasn't in my mind, before I mentioned anything again.I didn't see the sign but I'm certain the gesture I Love you came out.On this day he was very disturbed and in to himself.He kept sighing heavily and brushing his hand across his head as if to say now what?He didn't know i was watching him.When he gave her the ok sign and a touch of his skin pretending to say the chemicals are fine for the skin.He was saying I like your skin.She giggled.Funny enough since then she's been concentrating on her tan.I know he complemented her new hairstyle.The style he hadn't noticed when I said she's had her hair cut.Her reaction was normal the schoolgirl giggle.She came to parade herself in front of us one day in her bikini top.This resulted in a fit of giggles from her & she rabbited on in Kurdish.She's a muslim wife that's a very brave act in front of other neighbours especially men.She'd just returned from a boat trip.Meaning the bikini was apt for the occassion.We are living in a modern part of Turkey,where a lot of the muslims are circular minded.However there is still a percentage that aren't.
I saw her sly secretative gesture on complimenting his new haircut the following week.I did react to that.I walked on to our balcony and said what's the matter that our neighbour feels she can't say she likes your hair like that. Why does she have to gesture by touching her head.She checked first before doing it,to make sure no other neighbours were looking.I asked why he didn't mention I had cut it for him.It's still not wholey acceptable for wives to talk to other men especially while the hubby is not there. Gestures of any kind are very dangerous.My husband pretended to look blank what was I talking about.I asked him to come in he had a phone call.This was my confrontation with him. He denined every thing and I was mad and needed to see a Dr.I was a stupid horrible cow.He was angry and shouting.I said I'm sick of this under-handedness behind my back.I said I've told her about your drinking habits & the sleepless nights I've put up with.He was due to return to the Uk for 4 days to assist our daughter in her new home.His reaction was I'm going to tell her myself when I come back, that I'm not a drunk.I feel this was his admittance to having feelings for her in a round about way he was slightly tearful. I mentioned I felt he was leading her up the garden path.There was not going to be a new life away from her prison cell.She wasn't going to have a taste of my lifestyle that she obviously envies.She thinks we are loaded with money and I suppose were are well off compared to the lifestyle she leads,They often don't have money from one day to the next.I've made meals for the family and taken her money for bills in the past.
This confrontation led to him storming out of our house for about 40 mins.When he returned he was quiet and attentative towards me.Trying to be sociable asking did I want a coffee or anything to eat.
I didn't sleep that night and woke him to have a go about the earlier issue.He went mad and was going to go and see her husband as he had never been within 2 feet of her and never touched her.He wanted to go and wake our friends up and tell them about my madness.I really believed at this point it was me over reacting.I said I was so sorry for accussing him of such things.I blanked all the happenings mentioned previously from my mind.During the week he kept taking himself off to lie on the bed for hours.He said he felt strange inside when I asked what the matter was with him. He started to avoided any eye contact with her.He changed the pool timing clean to an earlier time and decided to sit with his back to her facing me.
My emotions are all over the place changing from anger to self pity.stupidity even to a desire to shower him with affection in front of her.Within a weekmy emotions changed to a positive. I felt the need to sort our affairs out and protect my daughters interest. Should we decide to part after 30 years of marriage.He was taken back and turned it all around again,why was I acting ok one minute with him and not the next.Why was I mucking his brain about?He returned 2 days ago from the UK and has shown no interest towards her.Maybe he realized being with our beautiful daughter, what a wonder life he has.Both of us shower him with love and look after him.Why I have put up with his selfish drunken behaviour I'm not sure.
She's really depressed & bewildered & feeling rejected at the moment.I caught her this evening crying on her balcony trying to catch my husbands attention.He was on our balcony with his back to her.I was inside at one of my lookout points pretending to iron.Neither are aware of my points & that I'm watching them.
I have suddenly realised these past few weeks. I have always had men showering advances towards me.I've never reacted and they have always given up.I always thought to myself why do they possibly think they stand a chance with me? Why would I want to put my marriage at risk for them? I'm very experienced in noticing the signs of catching someone staring at me & I know how to handle it by not looking in their direction again.
I have always looked after myself and can say I look a lot younger then I am.I always dress fashionably and elegantly.I have my hair trimmed every 4 weeks & wear make and lipstick every day.I have shoes and handbags to match every outfit.I don't think my husband could call me a slob and unkept.
I'm at a terrible crossroads in my life.Do I start afresh while I still have a chance of making a new life with some one who will appreciate me and treat me nicely.Or do I stay and let him get away with what he's doing to me.Every-one thinks he's Mr.nice guy.He's very good at coming over like that.I love him when he's like that to me.I'm very open and speak my mind.If we part I know he'll get the backing from everyone.It's now 4am.This is a usual night pattern for me for the past 18 months.

Hi Wendall,

You should start a new thread of your own so that advice can be dedicated to you. Also, it's very difficult to read long posts where all the sentences run together. When you repost, consider breaking up thoughts into paragraphs.

I have just read this whole thread before I realised it was old
Wendall why have you posted this on the bottom of a very old thread? You need to post a new thread and separate it out so people can read it.