Am I being paranoid or should I be worried?

[floops]

I need your opinion on a situation that I feel is developing but may be totally wrong and misjudging unreasonably.
My husband works in an environment where a lot of affairs seem to have evolved amongst staff. Some of which have led to marriage break ups others are still ongoing and have been for many years despite both parties having spouses and children. My husband appointed a new assistant 1 1/2 years ago. They obviously work closely together. From time to time the whole team goes abroad on conferences together. Last October they all returned from one such trip. Since then I have found my husband blowing his assistant's trumpet to many of our friends who are in the same field as he is. Saying how good she is at her work, the extra courses she has taken how she needs to develop further etc. Until one day I finally gave him a look across the room when I realised he was at it again and thought hang on a minute you are surely not talking about her again. On his return from the october trip he wanted to partake in a certain sexual activity that he has not ever really liked or wanted to do before. I know there may not be any connection. At xmas he asked her what she wanted for a present. She said she did not mind. He told her to put a list together and she did. It was quite a long list of personal items such as perfume, face products, make up etc. None of which are cheap. I felt a bit funny about this because if one of my bosses said make a list I certainly would not be putting items that cost £80 on it. But maybe that is just me. Anyway he bought her the whole list and had it all gift wrapped at John Lewis. He told me he had bought the whole list but I had not seen the list at this point. It totalled £239 he later told me that he could not get everything on the list. So it would have cost more. He does not know that I know how much he spent but he does know I saw the list after xmas. I must add that my husband is a lovely bloke who is both generous and kind and generally looks after everyone and takes them under his wing etc. He spent the same amount of money on another assistant but she put it towards her scooter she was buying. This did not perturb me at all. On xmas morning I was given a box of perfume that I don't really wear anymore. I used to wear it as few years ago. He did say that he wasn't going to get me anything but just as he was leaving John Lewis saw this perfume and got it for me. It cost £60. I should add that we have a good marriage, just had child no. 4 last may and have a good sex life.

Since xmas this assistant texts him even at weekends about personal stuff. She is currently divorcing her husband and out every weekend with her friend looking for a new man. My husband has told me about a few she has sent. I have even checked his phone since. I would never do anything like this so my behaviour has been affected by this worrying. She texted him once when he was working away from home at 11.34pm on a friday night to say she had had a bad night. I was on the phone talking to my husband at that time. He then said I better go and get some sleep we said goodnight. When he came home the next night he said he had not managed to go tos leep until 2am. When I asked why he said because of his cold. I have wondered if he got off the phone from me and phoned her back. This I will never know.

Anyway I personally feel that their relationship is not very professional in terms of they talk a lot together about personal stuff, she texts him about personal stuff. I'm worried that she sees more in it than there is. He knows I think she texts him too much and that I'm worried. He obviously states I never have to worry about anything like that. But I feel that they are almost having an emotional affair without the sex! Does that make sense? Do you think she is being innappropriate? I don't think my husband sees anything inappropriate in their relationship with one another.

Am I being selfish and should just be grateful for having such a loving husband and four lovely children etc?

That NAB3wishesfor2008 is exactly what I plan to do!

That won't help - most affairs are with friends.

My opinion is this, for what it's worth;

First, if he was my partner, I'd say a line had definitely been crossed and he needs to back off. You have four kids FGS, I don't know how much money he earns but whatever he is spending on her, he isn?t spending on his family.

Second, if he were my boss, I'd definitely think he more than fancied me!

The line between PA and boss need to be redrawn I think.

Agree with Dittany.

If anything has happened, or does, you will just end up feeling worse if it was happening under your nose while you were trying to be friends albeit fake friends, with her.

You need to target your resources.

Does he respect your feelings?

Sorry didn't have time to read all the replies, but.. Could you bring up the xmas gifts when you see her? Make it sound very impersonal, 'dh was so glad you gave him a list as he doesn't know you very well to know your likes and dislikes'. 'so glad they all could be bought in John Lewis as then he doesn't have to bother with wrapping, he's done this with all his assistants and it's so much easier when we are trying to get the families presents organised'. If that doesn't work scratch her eyes out
Hope everything works out for you.

As stated before, my case is quite different as the woman concerned and my dh really did not fit and even relatives remarked how ill-suited they were and that there was no spark or love between them.

I have met her and him and immediately mentioned to the friend who introduced us how loveless their marriage was and that I was sure he was cheating.

In very few cases it really is true, that the couple didn't fit and married out of necessecity or to please others, rather than be honest and look for a better match.

So dittany, that does not make my dh a compulsive cheater just because he was married to the wrong person and unhappy in the arrangement. She also shagged away from home and complained how much happier she is now. She has the chance of finding the right one for her rather than living up to someone's standards she can never attain.

What's the point of living to please someone else? Everyone should be entitled to their own happiness.

Anyhoo, back to floops' case, I really don't think she should play nicey nicey and waste her time being nice to the assistant.

I agree with dittany, that it's probably totally meaningless to her dh, but she needs to get it sorted. Playing cool has never helped anyone.

Get your claws out floops and tell the assistant to sort herself out and get off your husband's back. She's spending time with him and getting presents by being disrespectful to you and your family unit.

She'll probably be wide-eyed and nice as pie if you take her aside, but don't be fooled.

Also, I think your husband needs to get his priorities right. Never mind how good his PA is, 230 Pounds is unjustified, esp. if spent on personal girly stuff for her.

Also, sudden changes in sexual behaviour would indicate he's getting new stimulation...it all seems to fit the bill.

Tell her you'd appreciated it, if she would keep her involvement with your dh at a professional level and respect your family and you and his integrity.

As parting words I'd tell her: if she knows what's good for her she'll stop the personal comms and get a life, to stop ruining yours. It would be a shame if her professional career would come to a halt and she'd get a reputation for being a slag.

Jeepers, whatever you do don't threaten her. Your husband is already behaving in an unprofessional way, and as dittany pointed out already there could be issues given that she works to him.

For a man who appears to like playing the big, generous, supportive man to everyone else he doesn't seem to be prepared to do much supporting of his own wife when she raises legitimate concerns.

That was going to be my next question!

I really do not think you should warn her off floops for the following reasons:

If she's not after him, you could be seen as neurotic/possessive, you dont know who she will tell or how its going to affect your dh's reputation at work. It could cause a whole heap of trouble and embarrassment.

If she is up to something...would it really make her back off? Im in serious doubt. More likely if your dh is oblivious to how she feels about him (and they normally are) she'll play the sympathy card and make you look bad. "Oh" sob, sob, "why was your wife so horrible to me, my life is terrible I dont need this" sob. He wont see the problem, it'll cause an argument. (Have actual experience of the last point).

Different situation in my case. As pointed out before.

"I did send him a response to a text once which his wife found and since she knew me we talked but I managed to diffuse the situation and was cautious afterwards"

So she did tell you to back off then.

and now you're married to him.

No, SHE knew me and SHE asked me what it meant but I explained it away.

He was absolutely not worried and couldn't have cared less.

She was always played to be as sweet as honey...and as thick if I may add.

Floops is in a different situation because they have a good marriage, intimacy and have been together for a long time.

In my case all of that was non-existant for my dh and his ex.

Also, were in love and have since made a commitment to each other.

I don't quite think these are the motives of floops' dh's assistant...if she's giving him lists of what to buy for her and moaning about her divorce or being out on the pull with mates.

Do you mean you don't think she's after him then?

Yup, deffo.

Your dh's PA probably wants a leg up business wise and the 'perks' of being close to the boss.

I do not think they are in love or there's any emotional attachment though.

After all, your dh has 4 children with you, a lovely warm nest to come home to, a welcoming wife and his whole social life built around your family unit (dinner invites, clubs, social gatherings, neighbours, friends whose kids go to the same schools and outings as your 4 dcs), plans for the future.

As pointed out before, only very rarely does a man leave his wife and more importantly, his children. In my case he really didn't love his ex, they just weren't on the same wave length, she had cheated before, too and constantly nagged him to buy a bigger house, car, etc. and he felt bitter towards her and the kids.

It was an extreme case of an unhappy marriage which is extremely rare. Your marriage doesn't sound like this at all, plus: you have a good sex life which is always the pulse of a marriage.

I don't get the feeling she wants to pry your dh away from you, I think she uses him to her advantage...to your detriment.

The reason why I said you should confront her is because the selfish cow probably doesn't even realize that she's putting a strain on your marriage and family.

Definitely do not ignore what's going on, but speak to your dh first and if you trust his coworkers, maybe you can quietly ask them what they think.

I hope it will all end well for you. x

I'd say they are involved in an affair which may or may not include sex.

NDTH,

my msgs were not meant for you but fr floops.

I don't think that you have the ability to judge me or my dh's actions after reading a few posts. Neither people nor life can be put into certain drawers to suit your own experiences.

Yes I deserve to be happily married to a great man with 2 lovely kids who enjoy spending time with us. I see no punishment in this at all, your view of the world astounds me.

Many of us have been in a situation, where one relationship wasn't completely over when a new one came into sight. If everything were so black and white life would be very clean and easy, but it's not. Maybe you should have a reality check every once in a while.

NDTH, you are seeing a story in my marriage which doesn't exist. You are coughing up the cliche of the wronged woman. Not every woman is weak and scorned and helpless. I'd rather you wouldn't take your anger out on me as nothing I mentioned in my story addresses you and I didn't ask for your judgement.

It sounds as if my post poured salt into your wounds and you are re-living your own experiences and fears. I'm sorry about that. Have you ever thought about counselling? Good luck.

Oooh Handbags!...all I have to say is if a man leaves his wife once...

Haven't read the whole post - but the bit where you said you will be meeting her in a few wks.......when I met one of my husbands colleagues, he introduced us to which I replied

'Ahh, you're the girl that texts my husband at midnight, its so lovely to put a face to a name'.

Her blushing lit the entire room and she hasn't text my husband again.....i'm 100% definite nothing was happening but being a v jealous person it pissed me off no end that she was doing it.