Does anyone not fit in and is at peace with that

[Notreallynormal]

I have a handful of close friends who I have known for years. They are separate friends rather than a group and don't live nearby so i only see them occasionally.

That aside I really struggle to click with people. I am aware work colleagues find me irritating but to be honest I find I have little in common and am less bothered about being liked than I used to me. I spend time with them trying to be more like them and get a bit worn out and do have times of thinking there is something wrong with me. There are a couple of colleagues I don't do this with who I really like and relate to. But mostly it's quite wearing.

With my old friends I feel accepted as myself, never feel anything other than I love seeing them. But because they don't live nearby I do miss company at times - yet feel so different to others.

I wonder if others relate. And how to manage. I was thinking maybe I need to find a class or similar so I have come company with a focus.

I don't fit it. Never have, never will.
I don't need people though, I don't like people at all. Once my kid is 18, I'll vanish off somewhere out of the way and get a little job alone somewhere or live in a van or something.

It should be bother me, I should feel lonely, I should crave human contact. But I don't. I can't tolerate conversations with other adults for longer than a few minutes and find pretty much all other people annoying, idiotic, jealous and petty. I can go months without sharing more than two words with another adult. I think if someone else were in my situation but their brain was wired differently they could find it very difficult, bit I have few emotions and don't feel lonliness, depression, anxiety etc. So its fine for me.

But, OP, I would absolutely recommend following any I tests you have, not so much for social aspect but for your own enjoyment. My social isolation doesn't stop me doing what I want to do. If I want to to go the gym, I go. if I want to see a movie, I go. if I want to eat out, I go. .if you crave that social interaction with people, classes are a good way to seek it out. Learn Zumba or pottery or photography. Go for it.

The fact that you don't fit in with the clique at your work place does not mean that you are socially inept.

You have your own friendship group. So this proves you can make friends when you have something in common.

It doesn't matter what other people think about you outside of your trusted social and family group.

Sometimes I think about the future when I don't have to work and be around people so much and that feels like a relief.

It might be a point that is just a problem with my current employment. It's not the first time it has happened though. I'm terrible at small talk generally. Although equally I have had jobs where I didn't have problems at all.

Maybe I'm a bit people-d out today! Long week.

@PurpleMonkeys have you always felt ok as you are?

@Gallowayan I do try to think if i was really abnormal I wouldn't have friendships that go back years.

Yes and I'm ok with it now I'm older. I spent years trying to be what I thought would make people like me but it's exhausting.
I have friends but no one I'm super close too. I also find socialising hard work so am happy in my own company.

Yes I'm the same, It's pretty much always been this way. I've worked in the same job for 14 years and am very much the outsider. It doesn't bother me in the slightest and I don't think many people like me but I feel the same way about them, I am aware I am a tad judgmental and just not very lighthearted.
I was like this at school, I was the poor kid that nobody wanted to sit with and l think instead of internalising that I developed this judgey attitude towards people.
I have a happy marriage and 3 friends that I see perhaps every couple of months and I'm fine with that.

This year I've just totally disengaged fro the school playground and chat. Just can't be bothered with it. I spent so much emotional energy being involved in everything but I was finding it draining.

This year, I've just stood back. A few people clearly think I've gone weird. But so be it.

I am so much more comfortable.

I do have my own friends. They just don't live where I live.

Yes the problem is situational. The groupthink of a workplace can be against you. Objectively It means mothing. It's just office politics

Me, I have always felt that I never belonged anywhere, I have carried existential angst for years and it seems that there is no solution and this is part of my depression.

Autistic here and ABSOLUTELY!!! I don't fit in. I'm happy to sit on the fringes of most social groups of friends for a short time.
But, sit me with another neuro divergent and I'm in my element.
I find many people to be more interested in gossip, backbiting and bitching than Lego, language and dinosaurs. And I don't have time for that

Me! It took me some years to realise that yes, many people find me irritating, but I often find them irritating too and I have to suck it up, so guess what... they have to suck it up too.

There is a small proportion of people I like and who like me, and those are the ones I use my time with. I have stopped wasting time with people I honestrly couldn't care less about. I find the majority of people thick as shit, boring, attention-seeking and uninteresting.

Reaching that conclusion was an eye-opener and has changed my life for the so-much-better.

Normal is boring. other normal people are welcome to each other 😁

Yes, me! Have never, ever found my tribe. Didn't fit in at school, have never fitted in at any place of work, never had any interest in, or participated at, any sport, never belonged to any club, tend to be solitary and come across as aloof, unsocial, probably a little uptight and serious, don't enjoy pubs, bars or cafes etc, and avoid them like the plague as I don't like being in noisy, crowded environments, never been to a nightclub, a wedding, been on holiday or anywhere where I can engage with people to form friendships. Very quiet, reserved, socially awkward and my hobbies (fishing, beekeeping, reading, writing and collecting old clocks and scientific instruments) all tend to be solo activities anyway.

Although I have had a couple of relationships, I have spent most of my life alone and without close friendships - I spent my 60th birthday, a few weeks ago, on my own and with no recognition of it from anyone.

But I am neurodiverse and find navigating life exceptionally difficult - I wish it were not so and would love nothing more than to be more 'normal', have friends, 'do' things, and possibly even flirt with members of the opposite sex! But I am unable to change my personality, and unwilling to compromise myself and try to be someone I am not. C'est la vie!

Am I at peace with it...yes, most of the time, but do have periods of yearning to fit in more with other people, dynamics and demographics

Well, you’ve come to the right place to post about this, because a disproportionate number of people on MN hate other people, so you’ll find a lot of people on here who relate to you. 😉

I spend time with them trying to be more like them and get a bit worn out and do have times of thinking there is something wrong with me.

This jumps out at me. Why would you do this?

There are a wide variety of very different people / personalities at my work place. I don’t expect anyone to be anyone but themselves. If you’re trying to be more like them, you’re never going to fit in / be accepted. Just be yourself. And if they still don’t like you, you haven’t lost anything, and it’s nowhere near as much work for you!

That aside, just leave work people to it. I am very social and love being around my friends. But - I don’t go to work for friendship. So I’m friendly and polite - but that’s it. I get on with my work, and go home at the end of the day. And it works just fine for me!

When I was younger, I did very much socialise with colleagues - I made some lifelong friends, and it’s how I met DH! But not now, at this stage of life. I don’t have time for it, there’s no-one there that I get on with anywhere near as well as my actual friends, so I just compartmentalise that part of my life.

If you are looking to meet people, as others have said, try hobbies or activities, where you at least have a common ground to work from.

But, to reiterate, don’t try to be like anyone else. You’re great just as you are, and if people don’t like you, that’s on them. Onwards and upwards to other, better people.

@AuDHD4Me , I hear you, loud and clear, and am drawn, like a magnet, to quirky, unusual, interesting people who, like myself, are quiet, sensitive, thoughtful, cognitive and prefer wide open green spaces, surrounded by living things, rather than 'busy' social settings👌

Well, you’ve come to the right place to post about this, because a disproportionate number of people on MN hate other people, so you’ll find a lot of people on here who relate to you. 😉

Aint that the truth! You really have to search sometimes to find someone who actually likes talking to others.

I just want friends I can body double with (ie sit in a room while both engaging in hobbies with the occasional word thrown in to remind them I'm there. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

You're my kind of person.

I've never fitted in and I'm totally at peace with it. I used to feel very isolated and alone and would try very hard to enjoy socialising with colleagues, or tag along with other friends' groups, but it depleted my energy to the point of utter exhaustion. The feelings of anxiety, confusion and shame at not being able to effortlessly connect with others while people around me managed to do so with ease was agonising. At some point, I don't remember exactly when, I gave myself permission to not fit in, to admit to myself that i didn't like PTA nights out, to stop forcing myself into situations that i didn't enjoy in a bid to be normal. It's been a gamechanger. I very rarely feel social anxiety now because the people I choose to spend time with are on my wavelength and we get on amazingly. So what if it's only 2 or 3 times a year?

Life is very busy right now with family stuff, and once the dc have become independent adults I may very well feel the need for more frequent socialising. If that happens I'll be seeking out other ND weirdos like myself.

Absolutely this. Let go of the prescribed socialness and you're happier. No brainer.

i totally get this op.

I don’t usually fit in with most others in a group situation but i often make some good one on one connections with people I’ve met and been able to engage in one on one conversation with at stuff like a writing class or a retreat.

Majority of my friends are from uni or childhood and they all live in different cities or different parts of the world. I do wonder if part of the reason I’ve held on to these friendships so well is partly because it’s harder ie. Less desirable for me to make newer friendships. I really value the old ones who I am also super comfortable around and accept me as I am .

I don’t socialise in my current workplace but since covid I’ve been able to work at home full time which is great for me. That said, I have some very close friends from former jobs.

I have struggled with romantic relationships, and been singe most my life. I would like a life partner as i’m close to 40 and don’t want to be alone forever. I’m currently dating someone, but I have no interest in trying to make more platonic friends at this stage of my life.

@Notreallynormal

"have you always felt ok as you are?"

Yep.
My entire life I have been solitary and completely uninterested in friends and playing with others etc. My parents, particularly my dad, would get really cross and call me names and couldn't understand it.
I tried to fit in when I was a teen and go drinking and clubbing and stuff, but I despised it and despised being so close to other people. I'd sneak off when the people I was with weren't looking.

I liked being at home, alone, in my room, with my books and my music and a takeaway etc. Eventually I stopped going out and people stopped calling me to go out and it was a relief.

I haven't been to a night club for 20+ years.
I haven't stepped in a pub for a drink since before COVID shut them all, I have been to eat though. Last time I was drunk was 2009. I can't cope in supermarkets unless I have my headphones in because it's loud and there's people... I told a chugger in the foyer of Tesco to get fucked last week, tbf they asked me on the way in and I said no and on the way out they stepped in front of me to try and speak to me, even though I have very bright earphones that she could definitely see...

I'm gonna stop now..

People find me to be very odd irl, in comparison to what they think is supposedly 'normal'

I never have until I found my people. And I found them in academia.

I'm audhd. And probably weird AF to most. But those I've met in this profession, from the academics themselves, to support staff have absolutely embraced me and how/why I work.

Yes. But I think a lot of normies just put up with irritation, boredom or just plain dislike for many of the people they know/ work with/ meet rather than face being ‘alone’🫣.

I notice than quite few PP have actually several long lasting friendships or relationships, so their ‘problem’ is just not being especially empathetic to every Tom , dick or Harriet. Perhaps it’s just being choosy?

Of course this could just be self justification on my part.

I can totally relate. I am actually quite sociable but So fed up with people who I attempt to engage with and asking questions( as I am generally interested in other people ) just to find them monologuing at me and not reciprocating in a conversation. It happens so often I can't be bothered with it any more. People seem so self obsessed.

I’m absolutely socially inept and classified ASD. I am mostly ok with the fact that I don’t fit in. I have a few good friends, but we all live so far apart that it would be nice to have someone local. I married my best friend so I always have him.

the truth is that as much as I find it difficult to make connections, I also find most people boring. The topics that are regular subjects of discussion just feel so inane. I sometimes try to fake the topic of conversation and pretend I watched the sporting match or follow the tv show, but I’m just bad at it.

I can interact socially with people quite well. I think it is years of working on communication for my job in healthcare.

in reality I have no significant friends at all and I don’t mind in the slightest.

I do like social media as it allows interaction at arms length and with the option of pressing the off button whenever I have had enough.

Today’s coffee room chat was about Strictly Come Dancing and I just kept quiet and smiled and didn’t bother to say I was really looking forward to the documentary about plate tectonics which I had recorded 🤷‍♀️