Does anyone not fit in and is at peace with that

[Notreallynormal]

I have a handful of close friends who I have known for years. They are separate friends rather than a group and don't live nearby so i only see them occasionally.

That aside I really struggle to click with people. I am aware work colleagues find me irritating but to be honest I find I have little in common and am less bothered about being liked than I used to me. I spend time with them trying to be more like them and get a bit worn out and do have times of thinking there is something wrong with me. There are a couple of colleagues I don't do this with who I really like and relate to. But mostly it's quite wearing.

With my old friends I feel accepted as myself, never feel anything other than I love seeing them. But because they don't live nearby I do miss company at times - yet feel so different to others.

I wonder if others relate. And how to manage. I was thinking maybe I need to find a class or similar so I have come company with a focus.

@Yetanothernamechangeagain I was just using strictly as an example.

Sometimes you need to start a conversation with generic shallow popular culture. I reckon I average watching one strictly episode a season but am still happy to yap along not every conversation has to be intellectual or deep. Actually some very interesting conversations have evolved from strictly being a starter point. You just don't know what people's other interests are just because they talk strictly (or equivalent) at work.

The OP indicated that some local friend connections might be nice. And sometimes to get those you have to suck up a strictly (or equivalent) conversation or two as a starting point. It's a small price for a potential friend. If you want one.

But what if they are only watching Strictly in order to fit in with you? What if no one actually wants to watch it all?🙃

I've always felt like I was standing outside a circle looking in , the circle is made of glass, is as tall as the sky, and the rest of the world are inside the glass. I don't even try to get in. I stand about 20ft away staring at them, wondering why I'm on the outside.

I have had 7 or 8 friends in my life from being a child. Right now I have no friends. Sometimes I want a friend but I don't trust people enough to relax with them.

Am I at peace with it? I think I am. I'm naturally friendly and happy and kind so I don't have to pretend when I'm out and about. I like myself and my own company. I'm not very resilient though so I fall at every hurdle no matter how small it is

I think I might have Asperger's and maybe ADHD. Both of these present quite differently in females. They only research males, so female presentation has never been clinically reported, especially mild on the scale like Asperger's. Tony Attwood has studied it however, lots of videos on youtube.

I haven't sought diagnosis or treatment and I'm not sure it would make any difference. I grew up in a small town, very rural where the social rules were everything. I watched everyone and forced myself to try to fit in, mostly when I was older and working. But really I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't understand why anyone would. That's so boring.

Anyway it seems like since the pandemic (or maybe it's political shifts?) I don't find society anything I'd want to fit into!

I enjoy the company of a very small number of people. I prefer actual conversations that are meaningful over small talk and basic chat which I’ve realised so many people are into.

don’t get be wrong, I like people, just not everyone. I’ve always been happy with my own company and I actually enjoyed the peace that came with lockdown (although I was at home with my child it was so nice to not have to deal with social pressure) and I tend to create my own projects and groups that being people together so I feel quite busy.

There is so much emphasis on being loud and social - but we are not all like that.

im the same as you, I have few, very close friends, from different groups, and I love it. I prefer 121 or 221 over big groups.

Yes, I feel like I don't fit in. I have always been like this since being at school. I wish I wasn't like that

I'm 60 and can't wait to retire. I've been masking for the last 50 years and the thought of not having to do it any more is fantastic.

I have a small group of friends. I also like the people I work with currently, and get on well with them, but gosh there have been some toxic environments over the years.

I've been called aloof, snobbish and stuck up because I didn't like Love Island, elitist because I have a degree (which was specified in the job description).

I've been told I'm posh despite being a single mum from a free school meals family , with a 12yo car and living in a decidedly unfashionable area.

I have no idea where all the judgement comes from but the thought that I'll never have to put up with it again is beyond relief. Some people are just illogical. 😳 It's very tiring.

@MintJulia , oh how I hear you! I, too, have often been referred to as aloof, stuck up, snobbish, uptight, posh and a stuffed shirt, despite the fact that I have spent my life working outdoors in low paid, agricultural and horticultural backgrounds. Yes, I went to Grammar school, know that I speak well, am educated, articulate and intelligent, but certainly none of the things listed above even my partner has called me all of these things and it hurts. She knows that I am autistic and struggle to navigate life! She was participating in an elearning course at work last week, including a module covering autism - her impression of watching video clips of people with autism talking about themselves was that they were "all slow and seemed a bit 'backwards' " - her exact words!

How I hate this debillitating condition!!

I too have just turned 60 and am so looking forward to early retirement in 3 years so that I can retreat to my little cottage which wraps its arms around me, hugs me and makes me feel welcome, safe and secure every time I walk through the door. And just spend my days communing with my bees, chickens and all the birds, animals and insects which visit my garden and call it home too!

@AsanteSana Me too! I'm stopping in June 2026. It's going to be fab 😎

I've had a very similar experience! I run a business from home now and can't imagine being in an office setting again. It's such a relief to be myself.

Thank god this thread has come along . I don't fit in . I'm a loner , quiet and I find other people annoying and loathe small talk , no time for drama I've accepted this is the way i am and if people don't like me do one . I've been compared to a cousin all my life who is bubbly, sociable who everyone likes . I'm my younger days I tried to be like her at the expense of my own personality . As I've got older I've realised if people don't like me it's their problem. I don't need people . I've also realised my cousin is a selfish , self centered cow underneath who only cares about herself . Quite self centered really . I've made my peace with who I am and have stopped trying to be liked and accepted. Oddly enough people seem to like me more got it ! I'm looking after no 1 from now on .

Exactly. We all find ourselves in the midst of conversations at times about subjects we have no interest in. Why is it that the "oh I'm special, I don't fit in" people think they are the only ones this happens to? The rest of us manage to find something to say, and as mentioned above, it often leads to other discussions.

I really have no time for those who simply can't be bothered with things they have no interest in, while the rest of us make an effort. And I say this as someone who lives alone, has a small handful of friends, and is not really a joiner of groups - but I enjoy chatting with people when I'm with them, and it has been mentioned to me many times that I can get on with anyone.

I don't think i snub people as suggested in an earlier post. Nor do I think I am better than others because I have never watched Strictly Come Dancing or Love Island. I certainly don't spend my time only on intellectual pursuits.

I'm not always great at small talk but i am genuinely interested in how people's families are etc, and enjoy hearing about holidays.

I don't think some posters understand what it is like to spend time day in day out trying to join in conversations you don't relate to. It's not just about not having seen Strictly, it's just not getting it (as it happens though I have never watched any reality TV and go many days without watching TV at all).

I have to remind myself of greetings/topics at the beginning of the day. I often forget about social niceties. When I email I have to go back and add the greeting bit, I hope you are well etc. Its tiring.

I know since of those sound like neurodiversity but they aren't. I cope fine with changes of plans, I don't see detail, I don't have obsessive interests etc. I'm just not great at socialising!

Try reading

Surrounded By idiots

Question is.

Do you want friends, do you long to fit in or are you happy with the way you are?

Do you care what people think of you?

We all have to get along to a certain degree. Especially in work.

For instance. I don't give a toss about any job I've worked in, but I have to go in, do my work and pretend I care.

After the day is done and I leave the office I'm done. If that's masking, then I mask all the time to function in society, but I don't give a damn after that.

As long as you are happy. If your not then you need to seek help on whatever it is you think you might need help with.

Are you me? Because it sounds like me. Today everybody at work is invited to an event apart from me and those that can’t attend for other reasons.

I could attend but wasn’t invited. It hurts but I have a lovely husband to socialise with, a few close friends I do stuff with. Every month I have holidays or events to attend.

And if I’m honest my workmates bore me, they are shallow and don’t share my interests. I probably spend more time in their heads bitching about me in a week than I do in a year about them.

I have always enjoyed my own company, I’m a bookworm, love languages, and I love adventure. I am visually impaired, and don’t relate to many people with a visual impairment actually. I have a couple of friends, and for some reason people think we stick together as a group, we don’t, or like any other group of people really. But I find I do my own thing, and I just don’t like the gossip, the jealousy, the people who make you feel down when something nice happens, life is too short for that.

I have a group of very close friends, scattered all over the place, but I would rather have this than try and fit in with people who are just don’t get along with

Yes me 👋 ive lots of acquaintances. But only a handful of close friends, real friends. I used to find making friendships when i was younger, very difficult. Id almost psyche myself up for them, go into actress mode to be bubbly and fun, have a mental list of topics to talk about, then get home and de stress from it all. Now, im of the - you either like me or you don't, idc!!

equally, i do struggle to form friendships with newer friends of anything of substance. I've got a group of school mums. I really enjoy the company of three of them, we have our own whatsapp group/have been on night out before but i just cant seem to feel properly connected. I know busy lifes etc but cant see the friendships lasting past primary school you know. Sad. I try to organise get togethers but its like they dont have time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ive always felt a loner. Im married with kids but ive always done my own thing. Like, go shopping in a city on my own (my other friends go together), spend days off on my own with kids (despite trying to organise something with others). I don’t spend a lot of spare time with DH either. Idk its not like im not trying. I think im a good person and am always there for others but its not reciprocated

I can almost guarantee that everyone, somewhere recently, has done something that I'd find annoying or tedious or self centred & irresponsible or shown a complete disregard for other people.

Im sorry, were you the poster who said you shouted “fuck off” in a charity workers face earlier in the thread?

Oh, the irony!

Also purplemonkeys you sound like a huge part of your anger comes from living in a very noisy area. Nearly all of your complaints were to do with noise. Have you considered you’d be happier living more rurally?

I do identify with the feeling I don’t fit in/finding it hard to make friends and have conversations. Even after my mother visits for an hour or two I’m completely exhausted.

With respect who wants to fit in?
If you are secure within yourself you have no desire to fit in, neither do you care what others think. None of it matters. You are free from the constraints of pretending to be something your not.

I don’t think anyone genuinely loves small talk, do they?

I mean, saying you don’t like small talk. In a way - big woop. Join the club.

Small talk is a means to an end. Whether it’s oiling the wheels of social interaction, or as a way of starting the process of getting to know someone - and maybe even being their friend.

So many people that say they don't fit in mention 'not liking small talk'.
It's almost as if they believe that talking to someone new about Strictly Come Dancing means they would have to spend the next 20 years speaking to them only about that one topic of conversation!!
Small talk is a means of getting to know the other person, as it happens I love Strictly but my biggest passion is horses. I have friends that are petrified of horses. I love dogs and have two, I have colleagues that hate dogs so we wouldn't talk about them.
I only know all of this because we started off with small talk and gradually learned other people's preferences, once we'd clicked the deeper conversations about politics, home lives and everything inbetween started.
If you don't want to engage in small talk and are happy not to fit in that's fine, if you do want to fit in it is mostly required to move on to the next stage of deeper conversation.

Gallowayan The fact that you don't fit in with the clique at your work place does not mean that you are socially inept.

This, a million tines.

@Booklover40
"Im sorry, (sic) were you the poster who said you shouted “fuck off” in a charity workers face earlier in the thread?"

Nope never said I shouted, never said I said fuck Off, what I actually said was:

"I told a chugger in the foyer of Tesco to get fucked last week, tbf they asked me on the way in and I said no and on the way out they stepped in front of me to try and speak to me, even though I have very bright earphones that she could definitely see..."

That's me getting frustrated with someone purposefully and physically stepping in my path to talk to me when I've already said no to talking to them. I would never physically step in front of someone that doesn't want to talk to me.
I suppose I could have done what 'normal' people would do, meekly stand there and nod, try to get round them and apologise to the chugger thats inconveniencing me or make a donation to escape...

"Also purplemonkeys you sound like a huge part of your anger comes from living in a very noisy area. Nearly all of your complaints were to do with noise. Have you considered you’d be happier living more rurally?"

If you're referring to the post up thread where I literally said I was lying in bed and detailing what I could hear, then I think it fairly obvious to anyone that I was only commenting at that time on things I could hear. 🤣

I could detail the annoyances of things I encountered yesterday after I left the house, but I don't really want to derail OPs thread any more than I have and as I was detailing just what I'd heard, it should be pretty obvious to anyone reading that noise would be the focus at that time but not at all times.

Also, your use of the word 'anger' I can see why you'd extrapolate that, you're wrong, but I can see why. If you'd read, you'd see it's more annoyance and frustration than 'anger'

Seems twice you've read what I didn't write and presented it as fact. Maybe to get a reaction, maybe because of your preconceptions, maybe because of your judgemental nature and sense of superiority. I don't know, and I don't really care.

Finally I'm very Sorry OP.
I don't want to derail your thread any more than I have so I'll not be responding to anyone's quotes or @s again ❤️😁