Does anyone not fit in and is at peace with that

[Notreallynormal]

I have a handful of close friends who I have known for years. They are separate friends rather than a group and don't live nearby so i only see them occasionally.

That aside I really struggle to click with people. I am aware work colleagues find me irritating but to be honest I find I have little in common and am less bothered about being liked than I used to me. I spend time with them trying to be more like them and get a bit worn out and do have times of thinking there is something wrong with me. There are a couple of colleagues I don't do this with who I really like and relate to. But mostly it's quite wearing.

With my old friends I feel accepted as myself, never feel anything other than I love seeing them. But because they don't live nearby I do miss company at times - yet feel so different to others.

I wonder if others relate. And how to manage. I was thinking maybe I need to find a class or similar so I have come company with a focus.

Oh I stopped trying to fit in years and ago. Partly because I just stopped caring what other people thought, partly because I realised nobody fits in. Some people might look like they do, but they have the same hang-ups and insecurities as the rest of us.

I don’t hate other people, I hate the stupid things they do sometimes, but mostly I am ambivalent about others. They’re fine but they don’t particularly interest me. I probably don’t interest them either and that’s absolutely fine with me.

Yep don't fit in. Spent years wanting to be the cool kid. But now I don't care. I have a few old friends. Couple of current friends and my family. I'm good.

There’s a lot of generalised dislike of ‘other people’ on this thread. Genuinely, and without snark, what makes you think you’re so different to the rest of the population that several of you have characterised as ‘thick as shit’, boring, irritating, jealous, backbiting, interested in gossip etc?

The difference is, they all feel the need to fit in 😁

@Notreallynormal I reckon a friendship hit rate of what? 2 in 20 or 30? At work is pretty decent.

I definitely don’t hit it off with more than 5-10% of people I meet socially or in work environments.

Oh, and in answer to your question, I've been told all my life that I'm different by all kinds of people, so I've figured out it must be true.

I'm not sure how you want that answered.

I will say this...
Everything that I find annoying in other people, I do my best to not do myself, that would make.me a hypocrite.

So. Let's think.

People that:
Swear a lot, I don't.
Shout and get aggressive, I don't.
Bore people with meandering anecdotes of bollocks, I don't do that.
Park like a twat, I don't.
Drink to excess and vomit in the street, piss in a bush, get violent, I don't.
Play loud music on their shit cars and drive around at 3am like cunts, I don't.
Stick their wheelie bin in the middle of a footpath so people with pushchairs can't get by, I don't.
People that speed, I don't.
People that hog middle lanes of motorways like ignorant fuckwits, I don't.
People that see other people with nice things and then take those nice things, I don't.

So on and so on.

If that sounds like I think I'm better than people that do all those things, so be it. Maybe people should stop being scum?

I am diagnosed autistic and I don't fit in anywhere (even in groups of other autistic women). I've always done lots of evening classes and structured activities as an adult, and it was enough to give me some social contact without having to make real friends. That has stopped in the past few years since I had dc, and my social world has shrunk quite a bit. I don't fit in with the mums around here as I'm a sahm and that's rare in my London circles. I get out to tons of activities with my dc but I've stopped trying to be friendly with other mums and am happy to interact with my dc or sit and observe. I'm happiest though at weekends when we're out as a family and I can just interact with DH (who is the only person who gets me) and the dc.

@PurpleMonkeys, I don’t know what kind of circles you move in, but surely you’re not saying the rest of humanity steals, drinks till they vomit in the streets, drives irresponsibly etc? It’s also pretty odd that you seem to be equating boring people, swearing and seriously anti-social behaviour.

I don't fit in anywhere and never have done really, I was one of the socially awkward misfits at both school and later in the school playground. However equally I do fit in now because I don't care so actually I can fit in anywhere, if I choose to look at it like that.

I love people, I think most humans are essentially good, and many are great, but equally I'm such a loner. I have no need for the company of others and actually crave solitude. I get peopled out very quickly.

I honestly think the trick is to find a way to stop caring. It happened to me around the age of 35

Well said. I often find those who say they don't fit in tend to be rather superior and feel that they are rather above the general population. Which could well be the exact reason why they don't fit in, as people with that attitude are easy to spot.

I am rather solitary by nature, but I also love to talk to people - which is good as I've spent most of my working life on reception. I pride myself on being able to talk to, and get along with, anyone (except maybe those with a superiority complex!).

I don't fit in well and I enjoy my own company. I did the Myers Brigg personality test and found I'm in one of the most uncommon categories. I have found a few people online with a similar profile that I feel get me and I get them, but whether that would be the case irl is another matter.

It's interesting to read through the responses. It seems the key thing for many is to stop trying and to not care.
Some people seem to make friends quickly with new people and I am puzzled how they make connections so quickly but a little envious of how at ease they are.
I took up smoking when I was young to mingle with work colleagues. I'm definitely more at ease than that now but i know I'm viewed as aloof/superior unless I try to blend in. Although like I say there are always one of two that doesn't happen with.

I don’t know anyone that does any of this stuff.

I guess that’s maybe why I have a nice big circle of friends, and people that I want to be around.

I've recently reached a point in life where I cannot be bothered. I make loads of effort with people, talk to them, take interest in them but feel I get very little back.

It's exhausting and I am now embracing more of an introverted life. I don't have many friends in the same city, but I don't really need many friends.

I enjoy the micro transactions that keep me sane. If I need to interact with people there are plenty of Meetup groups I can tag along too.

I enjoy spending time with my kids for the time being and lazing on the sofa. I have plenty of things to do and good friends around the world.

That's the most important thing, finding people you want to spend time with. I believe people spend time with people they don't even like or do things because they think they should.

Everybody is different. The main thing is are you happy with yourself and your life. If you are great, if you're not than you can try and change it.

Who cares what others think of you as long as they are polite and not nasty towards you.

i have lots of good friends and find it easy to make friends but I have always been the outsider -never really understood why and it is hard to explain. Even in my marriage I felt I was the outsider. I do get lonely but I think the actual reason is that I don’t really care that much about other people -there is something missing in me that others have.

So as soon as your child turns 18 you're just going to bugger off into the sunset and ditch them?

I'm suggesting that people have displayed those behaviours. Not one single person displaying them all, but several people displaying each.

I can almost guarantee that everyone, somewhere recently, has done something that I'd find annoying or tedious or self centred & irresponsible or shown a complete disregard for other people.

If you move through life and don't see these things happening, how pleasant it must be, I don't even need to leave the house to encounter behaviours I'd never do myself.

I've been awake since 8am, I haven't gotten up yet. In those 40 minutes:

A woman has screamed at someone to "get in the fucking house" - I wouldn't do that, it would disturb other people and if it's a kid she's screaming at, well, that's not good.

A dog has been left to bark for half an hour - i wouldn't do that, it might bother a neighbour who's trying to enjoy a quiet morning.

A boat floated by in the canal with a radio on loud, I wouldn't do that, why should I force everyone around me to listen to what I want to listen to?

A car with one of those loud exhausts has sped past on the 30mph road behind me, I wouldn't do that. The noise is horrific and the speeding is dangerous.

Someone's been hammering and sawing since 8.15, I wouldn't do that, again it may disturb my neighbours, I'd wait till at least 9am for DIY.

My neighbours have repeatedly slammed their doors as they've come and gone to the car or the garden, I wouldn't do that, the slam makes my house shake and I wouldn't want to do it to them.

There's 3 kids in a house 5 doors up that are in their garden screaming at each other and have been since 8.20, I wouldn't let my kid in the garden to scream her head off at all.

...And just as I'm about to press 'post' a large motorcycle has sat at the junction nearby and revved it's engine repeatedly before peeling away at what sounded like a very high speed, I wouldn't do that...

They're just what I can hear. Imagine what I can spot when I leave the house. 🤣

You might read these little examples and think,
"That's just normal people doing normal things and that PurpleMonkey is an oversensitive loosely fitted wingnut"
And I'd absolutely - 100% agree with you. 🤪

You might also be thinking that you don't ever notice any of those things, or if you do notice them, they don't bother you personally, how pleasant that must be.

Too long a post. I'll stop now. Ttfn

I've rarely fitted in with the workplace cliques. I work as a volunteer at the moment, partly with a charity, partly in environmental things, and partly in education. Most of the other volunteers I meet I get on with.
Back at school I didn't quite fit in. My friends were more the geeky/nerdy/alternative people. We're still friends 30+ years on.

I've let go of the idea of being in a friendship "group" now I've realised how trying to fit in with one was stressful and overwhelming for me. I have a few very lovely stand alone friends who I see periodically. To be frank when I worked in healthcare in a previous life I worked with a bunch of b"+tches, nurses in particular highly unpleasant when in a pack but now I'm in education my colleagues are lovely. I keep them at a distance though.

I don't fit in with groups of women, I don't understand or cope with cliques and banter. I've had a few occasions throughout my life where I've been love bombed into intense friendships by narcissistic histrionic women who've claimed to be my "best friend" then literally discarded me when done. Never, ever again. I'm happy to have a peaceful drama free life, seeing my nice friends occasionally on an individual basis, doing my hobbies, relaxing at home and trying to keep it all as low demand as possible.

Meet-up is great as you can meet for social interaction without the intensity.

I think that's a bit unfair. Only a couple of posters have expressed dislike of people in general, while the rest have only described how they couldn't make the usual social connections throughout life. That doesn't equate to a "generalised dislike of 'other people'". I think that it's more likely that most of us, while growing up and before self-acceptance kicked in, felt positive towards people in general and any dislike was directed internally for our social failures. Personally, unless someone is actively unkind or cruel, I view people as generally OK. Having no common ground is not a reason for dislike, and I don't criticise differences in interests and behaviour. I also think it's OK to find some people boring to be around if there's no subject or interest that is mutually enjoyed. Everyone will have experienced that!

Yes, very likely ASD and finally accepted who I am at age 50 and stopped masking.
I always felt that I was 'playing' at life trying to be someone that others found 'acceptable' but by god I was so miserable. I do wear a 'mask' at work as I work in retail so have a happy, helpful, smiley persona which I can switch on and off as required (which sounds freaky). I'm awaiting a full assessment for ASD but also ADHD which actually gives more issues so I probably need medicating.

Both my children are ADHD/ASD. The eldest is quietly accepting like me and wears a work mask but the youngest is still struggling and to find themselves.
I am who I am and it took 50 years and the menopause for me to finally think 'fuck it' and stop 'acting normal'. I am so much happier for it but also very open with others although I don't have any proper friends.... and I'm okay with that.

Just because people talk about strictly come dancing at work doesn't mean they are boring.

Perhaps they don't want their work colleagues to know too much about them and get roped into watching strictly because it's family entertainment. They might read philosophy, do landscape photography, I don't know whatever pursuit you think worthy of your time.

People are fascinating in all their different glories, sociology to me is interesting.

People who think they are better behaved, more intelligent, quirkier, than most of the rest of the population are also very interesting, don't you think? Because the vast majority of the population are just average humans with the same desires and motivations as everyone else.

So if you choose to snub people and not get involved that's up to you it's not on them.

I don't dislike people. I dislike certain behaviours.

Your taking exception to this is all inference.

I don’t in any way think I am better than the people watching Strictly, it’s just an example of popular culture that doesn’t interest me and hence I “don’t fit in”

i think this is part of the issue though, people think there are value judgememts being made when it is really just not something I like. So I learn to keep quiet and to mask to avoid upsetting others 🤷‍♀️