Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

My experience as a man who lost his wife/partner of 37 years.
My late wife had from her early 20's been diagnosed with a life changing condition. We first started dating in our late teens & did the break up and get back together thing a few times until we both finished Uni.
After nearly 20 years we finally got married & had a pretty good married life till her illness took much of her ability's away. I then became her carer till she died from complications of her condition.
For 3 years I was relatively happy on my own, but a long holiday travelling made me realise life is much better with a partner.
This plus a few friends both male & female saying perhaps it was time to move on gave me the kick up the bum to get out there again!
After a brief but very passionate initial relationship that I probably messed up?
I have found someone who understands me (she lost her husband 5 years ago so perhaps that's why its easier.
We are both quite comfortable talking about our late partners, but I doubt either of us would have been in a position to date within the first 2 years despite both knowing well in advance we were going to be on our own?
Oh BTW neither of us have children.

Because I love him. I haven't felt this way about someone for years. I just hate the situation that's all. Dating someone bereaved is new territory for me and I'm madly in love with him and I'm trying to find my feet and not make mistakes.

@Advice444 You must see that this relationship is far far too soon which is why he is keeping things on the low, and quite right too with children and families in the very early stages of grief. If I were you, I'd take the advice of a PP and park this relationship until such time he is ready. You are torturing yourself and it's not fair on your child either. Maybe it's time you had a very honest chat with him but I don't think this is going to go the way you want at this time.

I don't believe for various reasons that this relationship affects my child negatively.

It's making your mental health suffer as you say in the next breath. Making decisions to do something you don't have to do, that means your mental health will suffer, means that it does affect your child negatively. And that means you aren't putting your child first. You're putting this relationship before them and I think it's important you acknowledge that in order to make an informed decision.

But yes the lack of knowing makes my mental health suffer

See above.

I've never had a relationship like this before and it can be hard sometimes. No doubt the choice will be taken out of my hands anyway.

You are not a passive passenger in this. You're making active decisions and your side of the relationship is absolutely in your hands.

I'm not good enough to make it last

It doesn't matter how 'good' you are in some circumstances. Love isn't enough. You can't love someone hard enough or 'good' enough that it overcomes certain circumstances. This is one of them.

Fundamentally OP, who do you love more - your child or this man? Your decision about this relationship boils down to that really.

No doubt the choice will be taken out of my hands anyway. I'm not good enough to make it last

For the umpteenth time, it's not about you.

You are going round and round and getting nowhere despite some very good and gentle advice on here. What do you want from this thread? For us all to tell you to hang on in there because he just doesn't realise you are the love of his life but he will soon if you just hang on tooth and nail? It's very unlikely to happen and in the process you'll be emotionally scarred and your child will suffer from your lack of emotional availability.

Does the length of time you were together matter in this situation ? You mentioned you were with your wife for 37 years , he was with his girlfriend for 7 years.

Yes, that's exactly what I want. I don't omg expect it but thats what I want.
I don't know why this man has made me fall in love with him and swept me off me feet etc. And now it's like this! It's just rubbish and unfair

Because I love him. I haven't felt this way about someone for years.

And I think that second sentence is the reason you are clinging onto him. You are perhaps in love with the idea of being in love.

Hes made no plans for my birthday. So maybe he is just lying about caring for me.

Obviously you don't have to answer all posts but I note you skipped this one and went on to answer another one (at the time of me writing this) then posted about your birthday again.

I think that the stark reality that you aren't putting your child first (I know that's hard to hear) is something you're unwilling to admit.

I think responding to it will help you acknowledge the reality of the situation.

Apologies if while I'm writing this you do respond to that post.

I think what you're going to find hard here op is that everyone's experience of grief and dating etc after a loss is going to be different- there's no one right way to do things and no 'normal'. He'll be trying to figure this all out as he goes along because its unchartered territory and he has lots of important people in his life that he feels a responsibility to without really knowing how to do right by them. Because they are also grieving and experiencing it as individuals and what's right for him might not be right for them.

I'm a couple of years older than you, and to be very honest what it would depend on for me is how important it is for you to have more children and how soon. I think dating someone who is so recently widowed you kind of need to let them be in the driving seat and you're just there in the background supporting them and letting them work things through. And that might unfortunately mean that he realises that he needs to be alone for a while, or it might mean that everything works out quickly or slowly- you've absolutely no real way to predict this one. Because grief is unpredictable and ultimately he will (and should) prioritise his kids over you. It might take years before he's ready to make the introductions you're hoping for.

So I think what you need to do when people say to 'step back' is mentally take a step back and think about long term what you want for your life. Is it more important to you to have more children or is it more important to have him (even if the timeline doesn't fit both). Can you realistically be in the passengers seat of your relationship for the foreseeable with no end point in sight?

It's understandable that you're struggling given the goals and hopes you have for your own future. To be honest I think this is one of the hard bits about being widowed so young because if you're much older you don't need to necessarily consider starting a family together because what that looks like has already been determined.

So I think you need a bit of soul searching about what you want in life and if realistically he's the one to give you those things in the way you want them, or are you willing to risk sacrificing those things to be with him, or risk getting your heart broken in the process if he hits an emotional wall and can't proceed with the relationship. If you're willing and it's a gamble you feel is worth taking then that's great just take a back seat and keep going as you are. But if you can't compromise those things, then maybe this isn't the right relationship, possibly for right now, possibly forever. Tieing yourself up in everything going on with him isn't going to get you any answers because he won't likely know himself yet. So all you can do is look internally and think about what your needs are and what you want and if this is the right fit.

a friend was in a very similar situation and got dumped after 8.5 months if I remember correctly - I definitely remember it coincided with one year and two weeks after his wife's death because I'd very gently said to her like other posters had said here, it was almost certainly too soon and he was looking for an emotional crutch or life belt to cling on to.

I was right as it turns out.

@Advice444 please please tread carefully and as best you can protect your heart and mentally prepare for the worst. It's possible you'll get through it and with time he'lll fall for you too but the odds are probably against it - because immediate bereavement is very acute and you will remind him of a period he would rather forget.

hope all goes well for you but look after yourself.

It was given just as a matter of context, though yes I think it has a bearing.

Please, please focus on your child @Advice444

i know you love him but surely you
love your child more?

No: she does not love her child more. She does’nt relate to the children in this story except as tools to get closer to the man. she will want another child to crment the relationship. But none of these children are really seen or empathized with by her.

She is not a grown up person. She is a very big ball of need and childish desire. You can all stop trying to appeal to her adult self because—though she may have that part—she can’t access it when her love starved, needy/greedy parts come out to play.

OP: you won’t get what you want from this man or his broken little family. You won’t get to step into a ready made life with ghst person, his friends and family, his social status. Will you, nill you, its not going to work. Back up and try to learn to act from “wise mind” and not entirely from emotion mind. Look in to DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) it may help you avoid or control your all or nothing thinking and your fixation on your needs.

Op he wants his life to carry on as it is: kids and family loving him, no school gossip, no drama in his life. You were easy to find as you were on his doorstep (so to speak).

There are many women who want to save a distraught man. You only have to see how there are women talking to serial killers in prison.

If you end it, you'll be replaced quickly and you will be in heartache, it's likely he will find another local woman. If you stay you will continue with this torment.

I mean this with the utmost kindness. But I think you might find counselling really helpful for yourself.

I've been in a situation similar to you where I was madly in love but I did not know what the outcome would be and it messed with my mind, big time. I posted on forums asking what everyone elses' relationship outcomes were - those who made it, I honed in on and was thrilled, I took it as evidence that my relationship would also work. I ignored the advice I didn't want to hear.

Why do you have such a desperate need to know whether this will work out? This sounds very armchair psych, but perhaps there is a theme in your life relating back to loss of control/feeling like you have no say, and it is really playing out in this relationship now? (I explored my feelings in therapy 10 years later and it related to issues in childhood and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD).

If it was your best friend in the situation, what advice would you give to her? You might find it is incredibly similar to a lot of what you are hearing here in this thread.

It is tough to come onto a forum for advice, especially like this, when you deep down only want to hear positive & good news stories that everything will work out. But it really sounds like this relationship, the uncertainty, will just make you ill.

I also encourage you to consider everything I have said upthread about the huge difficulties of blended families as well, that is without grieving children. Consider your child in all of this.

"There are many women who want to save a distraught man. "

This.

I think the mutual "I will save you" narrative is what really gives it away as totally toxic (on both sides).
I struggle with the man the OP describes as it would be entirely possible to run the poor-bereaved-confused-me routine around women and find to your amazement that there are lots of women who want to "save" you from your grief (for the small price of a few more babies with said woman) in the not too distant future.

I don't doubt that losing the mother or father of your existing children is a LOT of mental /emotional trauma for a person to go through, but some people will use the circumstances/image of that to their own advantage and in a way which from the outside might seem even distasteful (ready made chat up line anyone??).

Your focus on how long they were together is odd to me. 3 months is nothing after someone dies even if they had been together 6 months. Would you be ready to date if he died now? In 3 months do you think you'd be ready?

I've been dating my partner for 10 months. I plan to marry him. I am madly in love with him. I would be a mess if he died.

Surely you realize 3 months was too early? It doesn't matter what he said. He was grieving and in shock still.

Why would you get engaged now? Even if he was ready and not widowed you both have kids. Getting engaged after 9 months when you have kids is horribly irresponsible even in an ideal situation.

Hes made no plans for my birthday. So maybe he is just lying about caring for me.

You honestly sound like a 18 yr old here.

Is that what it takes? hearts and flowers and birthday pics.

I don't want to have a go because I feel sorry for the situation you're in, but honestly is this all you can measure this very complex relationship by?

Think about it OP. His life partner has just gone. He's in the eye of the storm. How do you think he's feeling about birthdays?

Your birthday? His birthday ? The kids birthday? Anybody's birthday? ! How unimaginably sad any sort of birthday is to him? Do you think he feels like bubbles and candles?

My OH has been dead for 2 years . I can't even really remember that first year it's like a foggy dream.

You seem to need a lot of clarification. I'm not criticising you for this.

Hes made no plans for my birthday. So maybe he is just lying about caring for me.

⬆️ This is very intense and too needy.

Inviting him round for a piece of cake and a cuppa on my birthday if he fancies it.

⬆️ This is taking a step back.

@Advice444 I wish you well I really do.

I've been putting off replying as I have found this a hard read myself. I am in a similar situation, except I am also widowed (10+ years), and there are no children to consider.

I don't want to say too much as he knows of Mumsnet, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought as I was also widowed, we'd be able to work through everything together, as I understood.

Many people have told you to back off, that his grief is too raw and his bereavement too recent.

I agree with them. I'm coming to the realisation 2+ years in that I need to take this advice myself.

I think you need to back off to be honest.
It’s up to him and it’s not even been a year since their mum died. They don’t care about creating a friendship with you, they’re grieving.
If you love this guy then give him all the time he needs.

Not read the full thread however as the partner of the bereaved person, you have to respect how he decides to handle this. If that doesn’t work for you and is too difficult emotionally or hurtful I’d advise to end it sooner rather than later. It’s so soon and he will be very very aware of how big this will be for children and extended family involved so will want to tread very carefully. 3 months after my mum died I felt I was struggling still to function day to day so the thought of my dad getting into a relationship at this time would have horrified me.

I was with my husband for 8 years, it doesn't make the pain of his death any less than if we had been together for half a century. We were robbed of any more years by his cancer not by the lack of love we had for each other.