Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

I’m a widow, I wear my husband’s ring.

His face comes up regularly on my photo memories, I smile.

If anybody I was dating wanted bonus points for putting up with this, that would turn me right off them.

In my case op
2 years before i was even vaguely interested seeing a woman
another year or so before i did anything about it
a few years a very discreet fwb type dating with single periods
about 7 years before starting a relationship by which time kids a older, wanted to meet partner etc
no issue with inlaws who i was and am close with.
a relationship 3 months or even 3 after her death would have been both emotionally and practically impossible

OP. I completely understand how you feel. I'm just n fact joined Mumsnet because I googled dating a widower. I'm asked exactly the same questions as you and searched for the answers. I'm didn't find them here. I'm bioinformatics them by speaking to him. Understanding where he was. Asking my questions to him. Explaining what I needed. You will make yourself ill trying to find the answers. Just talk to him. For what it's worth. We've been together 10 years. I am a parent to his children but will never be their mum. They didn't want me in the beginning but they love me now. My DP still grieves but it feels a bit a reflection on his feelings for me and I can separate the two now.
I recognise your feeling of helplessness and desperation for clarity. Just talk to him. Don't play games and don't try to be someone you're not. I wish you the best x

Again so many errors 😂😂

Not a reflection on his feelings for me that should say.

"You asked me earlier how long I'd been widowed. It's twelve years now, and I've been very content in not having or looking for another partner. And I honestly can't imagine bringing one into my daughters lives, even though they're now adults."

I am not a widow and I have not dated a widow/widdower but someone who lost his wife 2 years previously and who was left with 4 children tried to date me for a while before he started dating someone else (I have to say I felt a bit relieved when he started dating this other person).

The above response is the most healthy and strong /reslient response to dating you can get after bereavement. It is a massive thing to introduce your children to another adult after your children have lost their own mother/father. The above poster shows incredible maturity and a healthy type of independence which will have benefitted her daughter so much.

@millymog11 you're not in a coastal town are you?

I had a bereavement nearly a year ago. Three months after the death I felt fine, because I hadn't processed it....come 7 months later it hit me like a brick. Your bf met you when his wife had died 3 months earlier, that would be short for any long term relationship. It's too early to introduce you to his wife's family, they may well think he has moved on too quickly and the same for the children.

Was it your partnrr you lost ? How are you doing a year on ?
It was his girlfriend he lost, but the time scales you have just given sound exactly like him. He is alright to me now, but he was pursuing me harder in the first few months after the girlfriend died. So it makes sense what you are saying about it maybe hitting him now. Although that doesn't sound great for me sadly :/ xx

Sorry for your loss. How long were you together with your late partner?
How is your current relationship going now ?

It's my worst fear being in a fwb situation. It isnt my thing at all.
Can I ask what signs I should look out for from him that would indicate he wants that ? What signals were you giving out for fwb etc ?

Thankyou so much for being so kind and understanding. It's wonderful to speak to someone who understands my position exactly. You have described exactly how I feel so thankyou!

You're right about desperately searching for clarity/answers but now knowing how because of the unique situation.

How is your relationship now ? How was it in the early stages all those years ago ? Xx

@Advice444 just stop. You are going to make yourself ill trying to figure out your boyfriend via the experiences of numerous others. Step back and let go a little if not c

If not completely. Your current way is madness.

I've just got so much of my mind always, it's horrible

There's a lot of things coming up which are making me feel unsettled and anxious etc.

@Advice444

I appreciate you want to hear about others experiences but grief is probably the most individual experience there is.

Everyone processes it differently and motivations and behaviours often don't tally up - for example, someone may genuinely not want to be manipulative or lie but due to the rollercoaster that is grief they may make commitments at one time that even the next day feel utterly overwhelming and unwanted.

I really think that not expecting anything concrete from this relationship this early on is the only way you can possibly continue it. And the reality is, that isn't something that many people can do while remaining happy and healthy. It's a lot to ask and that's the huge risk of dating someone so soon after they lose a loved one.

I think that him introducing a freshly bereaved little boy to a new girlfriend, even if she is positioned as his friend rather than a girlfriend, is a sign that he wasn't thinking straight. Because it isn't a sensible thing to do despite the fact he is clearly a loving and committed father in reality. It was an irresponsible and short sighted decision on his part, unfair on everyone involved and an (at the time) welcome distraction from his grief.

I personally think that the kindest thing for everyone (including his children) is for you both to park the relationship and agree to talk again when he has had more time to process things.

Because he isn't currently equipped to be able to have a healthy relationship, and you aren't currently equipped (like most people) to accept the challenges caused by dating someone in this stage of grief.

Sometimes, love simply isn't enough in reality. Especially when children are involved.

Because you're a mother, this is extra unhealthy. Your time, energy and mental wellbeing is being taken away from your child as long as it's focused on this relationship. It sounds like you're consumed with thoughts of it and that isn't in the best interest of you or your child.

It sounds like if he wanted to move in together (for example) or get engaged soon, you're so keen to progress the relationship that you would seriously consider saying yes. If you're being really honest with yourself, I think that's probably the case? It wouldn't be an automatic no rather than a yes, despite the fact it would be very soon to do so even in normal circumstances let alone these ones.

It's too much, too soon and becoming overwhelming. You can't love someone hard enough to overcome these sort of circumstances in a short timeframe.

Yes you are right, I would want to. But in my defence he's been suggesting these things ti me . And when you're in love with someone and click so well, and they start talking a little moving in /kids etc it's natural to want it . He says he wants it as much as me but he probably doesn't if everyone on here is right :( xx

I really appreciate this response. Its mind and level headed so thank you.
The reality is though as stupid as it sounds to people on this thread I am deeply in love with him and I won't be able to let him go or 'park the relationship ' even if I wanted.

So that leaves me only with your other option of 'not expecting anything concrete ' which sounds rubbish but better than the alternative. :(
Do you have any idea how I could go about 'not expecting anything concrete '? I've not had to do this before so it's new to me xx

Yes you are right, I would want to. But in my defence he's been suggesting these things ti me . And when you're in love with someone and click so well, and they start talking a little moving in /kids etc it's natural to want it . He says he wants it as much as me but he probably doesn't if everyone on here is right :( xx

Your priority seems to be knowing for sure exactly what he wants.

Because you're a mother I really think your priority should be working out why you would consider, and likely go through with, doing something that would be such a risk for your child in that you'd be navigating such a new and unstable relationship that it's unlikely it would be a happy, healthy one and very likely to be one that makes you feel confused, unhappy and worried a lot of the time - like you do now.

I don't think it is sensible to have gotten in this deep with someone in his position. It's irresponsible on both your parts but he is deep in the stage of grief that means his behaviour is actually easy to understand in some ways. He is making bad decisions because that's what people do when their life is completely turned upside down. That means unfortunately that you need to be the responsible one and make better decisions than this.

A good question to ask yourself, and be brutally honest about, is this: do you believe that as it stands, this relationship is in the best interests of your child?

And a second question is: do you want to put your child first?

The answers should mean you make a sad but good decision about the relationship. If the answers are no to the first, and yes to the second, and I can't see them being anything different to that, then that's that.

Do you have any idea how I could go about 'not expecting anything concrete '? I've not had to do this before so it's new to me xx

I cross posted and would be interested in your response to my later post.

The answer is that I don't think you can go about 'not expecting anything concrete' without damaging your mental health or putting this relationship before the best interests of your child.

Being an adult means you should be prepared to make tough decisions, but may choose not to and that may end up hurting you in the long run. Being a parent means you should be prepared to tough decisions if they are in your child's best interests, but may choose not to and that may end up hurting you and your child in the long run. That should fuel your determination to make those tough decisions.

It's worrying you feel you 'won't be able to let him go' and I think some counselling around this may help you gain clarity.

We have a mutual event we have to attend together at the end of the week , and we can't speak to each other at it in case people realise how close and friendly we've become. So we essentially have to pretend we barely know one another when in reality secretly we are together 🙄

And its my birthday soon and he can't spend it with me. And I feel insecure about that too.

Why are you willingly putting yourself through this? Why is this torture better than your mental and emotional freedom?

I don't believe for various reasons that this relationship affects my child negatively.

But yes the lack of knowing makes my mental health suffer . I've never had a relationship like this before and it can be hard sometimes.

No doubt the choice will be taken out of my hands anyway. I'm not good enough to make it last