Caught him secret gambling AGAIN - WWYD?

[Happymummy22]

I really need some help/advice. I’m stuck with how to handle my current situation.

Myself and my partner have been together 6 years. We have a small & intimate (albeit still costly) wedding booked for next year. I love him a lot & although we’ve had our trials and tribulations like any relationship, for the most part it’s good. We have 2 children together and I have one from a previous relationship (but he is treated much the same by his stepdad, of course).

Now my issue in short is that I’m pretty certain my other half has a gambling addiction. I didn’t know anything about it until I was already pregnant with our first child & we were in the process of buying a house together (obviously it got brought up when he sent his bank statements to the mortgage broker). He promised me there and then that he would stop & it wasn’t an issue.

We bought the house a few months later - all fine. I then found he was being sneaky on his phone and moody/ up and down and quickly realised he was gambling again. Obviously by this point we had a house together so I was even more concerned. We had the emotional chats and yet again he promised he would stop and as far as I was aware he did.

Then comes the 3rd time. I was pregnant with baby number 3 and I found that he was doing it again. This time it was too much, I even called up a counselling service myself as I was struggling with how to deal with it & the impact it was having on me mentally with the baby due any time. I spoke to him again and basically said it was the final straw. That he needed to seek help and if I found he was doing it again - we were done. Ultimately I have told him that it’s unacceptable, that his choices & the results of his gambling affect not just him but me and his family. He signed up to gamcare & blocked all of his accounts. Cried and told me he would never do it again and he was really sorry.

Fast forward to recently. We went on a trip and I was expecting to pay for everything (it was my treat for a celebration). He was offering to pay here there and everywhere when I already knew he had little money. Red flags, I thought he had either had a windfall from somewhere or he has taken out a loan. Last night I checked his phone. I can’t get into his banking but there were lots of those types of text messages where direct debits have been set up for minimum amounts on credit cards/loans (the ones you apply for with bad credit such as vanquish, marbles etc). Also constant texts day after day from his bank saying he’s in overdraft. Then his internet search history “how do I remove myself from Gamstop)”

I’m distraught. obviously I love him a lot but this is massive for me. I was in a bad place with money with my ex (who I had my first child with) and when we split I scrimped and scraped as a single parent for years & told myself I would never be in that situation again. He knows all of this. I work a hard and stressful job to try and give my family a good life (he does too, might I add) but whilst my money is being spent on things for the kids or trying to save, it seems he’s getting us more and more in debt.

What do I do? I don’t want to leave him but I also can’t live like this, it torturing me mentally. I know I need to have the conversation with him but ultimately, I’ve given him the ultimatum last time & here we are again so that didn’t work, but I really don’t want to split my family up so I don’t even know how the conversation goes?! What do I say? Stop gambling or… I’m not going to leave you anyway?!
I also know he’s going to be fuming that I went through his phone & so so defensive that it’s going to blow up and I don’t want that around the kids. But I knew I needed to confirm what my gut was telling me for my sanity.

The wedding is getting ever closer and it’s really making me have doubts. obviously we’re already intertwined moneywise owning a house & having kids together, but the thought of being married and being even more connected financially is scaring the life out of me. On the flip side, due to the current state of affairs (childcare costs, mortgage, car finance) I wouldn’t be able to afford everything on my own even if I did have to leave.

I know he can sense the last couple of days that something is off & I feel it’s starting to affect t the atmosphere in the house so I need to broach the subject sooner rather than later but I’m really at a loss as to what to do next.

I feel so lost. Please help!

I haven’t read the whole thread because that it’s obvious that you live with the sneaky addict, or you end it.

I would love for it to be that black and white but if you read the full post there are many reasons why I don’t want to end it. For one, aside from this, I love everything about him. 2. Even if I did want that, I can’t afford to be on my own. Amongst other things.

So you take the first option I posted, and live with it.

Super helpful advice. Thank you.

I'm sorry your in this position again OP but I genuinely think this will be your life forever if you stay with him. He obviously doesn't want to get any help with this gambling addiction so I don't see anything changing, he will say he will stop and continue again as he has 3 times now. I hope you find a solution for you and your children xx

It’s just such a tough place to be. We have a great family life other than this one issue. He works hard, he’s a great dad, he adores me (I know some sanctimonious keyboard warrior will tell me he clearly doesn’t if he’s doing this) but what I’m trying to get to here is me being understanding that this is an addiction. It’s deep seated clearly & I don’t think people making our as though he’s trash for having this problem is helpful. Those with drink and drug problems are treated so much differently. I don’t believe this is his choice, it’s a compulsion and I just want to do what I can to try and steer him (and us) in the right direction rather than just writing him off.

Perhaps im in denial but I would also like to know that I tried everything I could for him and for us and our kids before I just throw in the towel.

Addicts don’t change until they hit rock bottom. There’s no incentive for him to change if you keep propping him up.

Don’t marry him. Don’t tie your finances to his. Don’t allow him access to your money. Make him pay you each month for any contribution he has to give and then you sort the money. Don’t let him be on a mortgage.

if you choose to stay you have to be the finance police. And above all else you have to protect yourself and your kids for the day he loses everything and your left to support 3 children alone.

Sadly OP the initial poster is correct. You accept it or you leave. You know who he is. You know he cannot or will not change. So your choices as to what to do next are literally find a way to leave him or find a way to live with this. It's oft said that when someone shows you who they are listen. Or in the same vein stop expecting different results from the same actions.

It's a hard life loving and living with an addict. It's not one I'd choose having watched my mother choose it and having been the child of an addict (who loves me and my mother, and could be said to be a good person- but actions speak louder than words and my life experience has taught me where we actually stand in his priorities)

Gam-anon - for those affected by someone else's gambling. It's on zoom.

I'm sorry to hear your troubles OP.

Unfortunately, gambling addition is still very taboo and I don't think you will get much helpful advice here, with the majority being woman. Unless you are, have been or had relationships with gambling addicts its very difficult to understand why it is so difficult to stop.

Gambling is one of the hardest to stop, and contrary to belief its not as simple as just stopping, Paul Merson, ( a pro footballer in the 90's and early 00's) was an alcoholic, drug addict and a gambling addict. He has said multiple times that gambling was by far the hardest for him to give up.

Like any addict, or anyone with mental health issues, he needs help and support.

Can I ask how much he typically wagers? if you know. Or, how much in debt he is in? What does be bet on? He probably has the mindset, like most gambling addicts of 'just one big win and I'll get myself out of this hole' but even if that win does come, it's never enough and its a vicious circle.

I would confront him. ask him to be honest with you and tell you, or even show you how much he has lost in the last 2 years. Tell him you want to help and support him, tell him you understand how hard it must be for him to stop. Go through his phone together and suspend all his accounts, and suggest he goes to GA. Meetings.

With gambling addicts, its nearly always the thrill of winning and not so much they amount they win. Therefore, together, try and find something else to replace that thrill of winning.

And at the risk of your labelling me a sanctimonious keyboard warrior- even if you choose to stay, and come to a place where you understand and accept his addiction, and live happily ever after- DONT FINANCIALLY TIE YOURSELF TO HIM THROUGH MARRIAGE. If you stay with him and accept this addiction and the inevitable gains and falls that come through a lifetime of battling with addiction- it's in both his and your best interest to stay independent financially so that at least some things can be completely safe and protected from his addiction.

Please, please don't marry him OP. You will become jointly liable for all his debts, not to mention it sounds like you can't afford a wedding right now. Can you get most of your money back?

You don't need to end the relationship if you're not ready to do that yet, but for the sake of your kids you do need to cancel the wedding and keep your finances separate.

I agree with you that gambling is an addiction. Someone posting that their partner is addicted to drink or drugs would be given the same advice.

PP are right. You either live with it or leave. You can't fix it.

You're in denial so you'll stay.

There really isn't any more to say other than you'd be immensely foolish to marry this man.

I appreciate this isn't an ideal solution but I had a friend who had problems gambling and his wife basically had total control of his finances. His wages were paid into a joint account which he didn't have a card for and she gave him an allowance every month. I know this doesn't solve the problem as such but might it be a good way to help him make a clean break? Or at least show that he is serious if he agrees to it? He also needs to get some serious help from a professional - he has shown you he can't manage this on his own.

I am not disagreeing with your post generally but she won't be liable for his debts if they are in his name only, even if they are married. Since they live together she is already potentially negatively impacted by his poor credit rating (if he has one) but that's just about being at the same address.

Notwithstanding this - I wouldn't be marrying him regardless, not until he had sorted himself out.

Perhaps im in denial but I would also like to know that I tried everything I could for him and for us and our kids before I just throw in the towel.

The best thing you can do for your children is provide them with a stable financial future by leaving him. How would you feel if one day your house was at risk due to his gambling?

If he's ever going to change, it isn't about you "trying everything", it's about him trying everything. And he clearly isn't ready.

Since they live together she is already potentially negatively impacted by his poor credit rating (if he has one) but that's just about being at the same address.

@Londonscallingme - only if the OP has any joint credit with him at the address. Addresses themselves can't be blacklisted/affect credit rating anymore.

Gambling addiction is not just a slight character flaw, it is who he is. It is the same as any other addiction. This means that he does not/will not put you first because with addicts, the addiction comes first. He will destroy himself and you too unless he accepts what he is and gets help. It is not an annoying part of him, it is him. I was married to one and it took me a long time to understand. The previous posters are not trying to be difficult, they are showing you the truth, OP.

Interesting - I didn't know that, thanks.

Can you, before you do anything else, separate your finances as much as possible? That has to be your priority.

I'd tell him you've looked on his phone and know he's gambling again. Tell him you want full transparency and access to all his accounts so that you can see what debt he has and the extent of the gambling. If he becomes defensive and angry that you have looked, or refuses to be honest with you then imo you need to ask him to move out while you think about the future. But you need to actually be serious about that. He needs to realise he could lose you unless he can accept he has a problem and get help. He needs to be willing to give you full access to and perhaps control of his finances.

sadly, the first poster is right.

You gave him an ultimatum, you said if you do it again we're finished and he has done it again. So your options are

1. live with him knowing this will ALWAYS be there as part of your relationship, he is not going to stop because you ask him to, he doesn't want to stop. This is an ADDICTION.
2. leave

That seems really hard, but he will destroy you financially and you will be back to square 1.

In the meantime, whatever you decide, get your money out of the communal pot and into a place where he can't get it. Get financial advice on safeguarding the house so he cannot remortgage against it. get advice on how to save your self from his financial disaster which is happening in slow motion where you acknowledge it or not.

If I were you I would leave. Doesn't mean you cannot stay in contact or that he cannot be a dad, but you need to not have that worry sitting on your back 24/7

OH and CANCEL THE WEDDING.
Do not get married. Do not become liable for his debts

Probably not a good idea to call people trying to be on your side "sanctimonious keyboard warriors" to be honest.

What do you do? You gave him the ultimatum last time so you know the answer. You stick to your ultimatum and leave. If you don't, you're in denial as much as he is.

He's lied to you from the very start, and you keep believing him and he keeps doing it again. He is an addict. He will lie to hide his addiction at the cost of everything else. He's lied every step of the way and you've got deeper and deeper entwined with house, kids and now you're looking to marry him. What will it take for you to change your behaviour? You certainly can't change his, as proven time and time again. You know what you have to do. But if that's swayed again by tears and empty promises, you've made your choice.