Caught him secret gambling AGAIN - WWYD?

[Happymummy22]

I really need some help/advice. I’m stuck with how to handle my current situation.

Myself and my partner have been together 6 years. We have a small & intimate (albeit still costly) wedding booked for next year. I love him a lot & although we’ve had our trials and tribulations like any relationship, for the most part it’s good. We have 2 children together and I have one from a previous relationship (but he is treated much the same by his stepdad, of course).

Now my issue in short is that I’m pretty certain my other half has a gambling addiction. I didn’t know anything about it until I was already pregnant with our first child & we were in the process of buying a house together (obviously it got brought up when he sent his bank statements to the mortgage broker). He promised me there and then that he would stop & it wasn’t an issue.

We bought the house a few months later - all fine. I then found he was being sneaky on his phone and moody/ up and down and quickly realised he was gambling again. Obviously by this point we had a house together so I was even more concerned. We had the emotional chats and yet again he promised he would stop and as far as I was aware he did.

Then comes the 3rd time. I was pregnant with baby number 3 and I found that he was doing it again. This time it was too much, I even called up a counselling service myself as I was struggling with how to deal with it & the impact it was having on me mentally with the baby due any time. I spoke to him again and basically said it was the final straw. That he needed to seek help and if I found he was doing it again - we were done. Ultimately I have told him that it’s unacceptable, that his choices & the results of his gambling affect not just him but me and his family. He signed up to gamcare & blocked all of his accounts. Cried and told me he would never do it again and he was really sorry.

Fast forward to recently. We went on a trip and I was expecting to pay for everything (it was my treat for a celebration). He was offering to pay here there and everywhere when I already knew he had little money. Red flags, I thought he had either had a windfall from somewhere or he has taken out a loan. Last night I checked his phone. I can’t get into his banking but there were lots of those types of text messages where direct debits have been set up for minimum amounts on credit cards/loans (the ones you apply for with bad credit such as vanquish, marbles etc). Also constant texts day after day from his bank saying he’s in overdraft. Then his internet search history “how do I remove myself from Gamstop)”

I’m distraught. obviously I love him a lot but this is massive for me. I was in a bad place with money with my ex (who I had my first child with) and when we split I scrimped and scraped as a single parent for years & told myself I would never be in that situation again. He knows all of this. I work a hard and stressful job to try and give my family a good life (he does too, might I add) but whilst my money is being spent on things for the kids or trying to save, it seems he’s getting us more and more in debt.

What do I do? I don’t want to leave him but I also can’t live like this, it torturing me mentally. I know I need to have the conversation with him but ultimately, I’ve given him the ultimatum last time & here we are again so that didn’t work, but I really don’t want to split my family up so I don’t even know how the conversation goes?! What do I say? Stop gambling or… I’m not going to leave you anyway?!
I also know he’s going to be fuming that I went through his phone & so so defensive that it’s going to blow up and I don’t want that around the kids. But I knew I needed to confirm what my gut was telling me for my sanity.

The wedding is getting ever closer and it’s really making me have doubts. obviously we’re already intertwined moneywise owning a house & having kids together, but the thought of being married and being even more connected financially is scaring the life out of me. On the flip side, due to the current state of affairs (childcare costs, mortgage, car finance) I wouldn’t be able to afford everything on my own even if I did have to leave.

I know he can sense the last couple of days that something is off & I feel it’s starting to affect t the atmosphere in the house so I need to broach the subject sooner rather than later but I’m really at a loss as to what to do next.

I feel so lost. Please help!

You can put your head in the sand and continue to live with it, I suppose, but addiction escalates.

Or you could talk to him and demand some answers. You have children together and are planning to marry, yet you can’t trust him and he appears to be lying to you yet again - is this any basis for a marriage?

Honestly, I think you should plan to leave. Get advice, seek sources of help and support. Put your children first. He will drag all of you down.

You’re obviously not going to follow up on your ultimatum, so you need to accept and be at peace with the fact that this is who he is and learn to live with it.

Do not marry him. Do everything you possibly can to keep your finances entirely separate.

At a minimum, ask him to take his name off the house and pay you a monthly lump sum towards bills/food/the kids, etc. Accept that he 1. will pretty soon not even do that, 2. Use any and all of his spare money for gambling.

Run regular credit checks on yourself to ensure that he hasn’t taken out loans or credit cards in your name or against the property without your knowledge - yes this can and does happen.

Hide or don’t keep any cash in the house. Hide your kids piggy banks and details of any of their savings accounts. He’ll drain them if given the chance.

Sounds dreamy doesn’t it, a lovely way to live life for you and your children.

A woman I used to work with had her life ruined by her gambling husband. She lost her home and he also sold behind her back, jewellery of hugely sentimental value.

He forged her signature and took out joint loans and all sorts of terrible things to get hold of money to gamble or try and pay off gambling debts.

This was a long while ago and he lost his well paid job because his addiction to gambling took over and he was suspected of stealing from a colleagues purse.

He managed to get a job as a milkman and he made all the promises under the sun the day before he started his new job that it was a new beginning and he wasn't going g go gamble again and would rebuild their finances to get out of the enormous debt they were in etc

On his first day at work he did his round and then on the way back he drove the milk float into a ditch and made off with the takings. A paltry sun in the great scheme of things and he spent it all on gambling.

She ended up in a life of misery and died young of cancer.

Either you accept this as your life or you don't.

I agree with other posters though who say he likely won't change and you will always have this problem. My ex gambled, I didn't realise the extent of it until we were already living together and had our eldest dd. Because he didn't have any debt and we kept our finances separate I didn't make much of a fuss about it, but he was spending hundreds a month, possibly more.

He had an affair and after we split up I found out he'd had winnings of thousands at a time over the years that he kept for himself, whilst I was spending my money on our home and children. I honestly thought he was a loving husband and a wonderful dad. Now I see him as a deceitful, selfish narcissist who has an addictive personality (gambling, smoking, binge drinking, an affair). I doubt you'll end up being happy if you marry him, he's unlikely to change.

You're totally and utterly oblivious to the reality of your situation.
Yes, it's a compulsion - it only means he will continue gambling no matter what. That's what a compulsion is!

You can't afford to live without him? Funny that! Just wait until he fully spirals (and it will happen with you propping him up daily) - then you'll know what it's like to lose everything, including the change from the children's piggy bank (my dad did that to me).

My dad was a sweet, funny, loving man and so my mum carried him, and carried him until he broke her. And when the ultimatum time came - me&kids or the gambling? He chose gambling. He CHOSE gambling. The last time he saw his small children we were 6yo. Twins.

There is nothing that sows more fear and disgust in me than the prospect of a man with addiction. Brother, son, neighbour, colleague or boyfriend - none of them would be worth the risk of devastation.

Some people might be naive, stupid or martyrs but it's a particular kind of awful to sacrifice children to life with an addict. Two selfish adults.

Sadly, I think until they all hit rock bottom because of his gambling, OP won't believe her partner will end up doing these things.

OP, if you weren't going to follow through with your last ultimatum, why make it?

You cannot change him, so as previous posters have said, you either put up with him gambling all your money/home/future away or get rid of him.

So you stay with him & it impacts your life and your children's lives.

Gambling addictions are so common amongst men it’s terrifying, so many of DH’s friends have fallen into that trap as well as my BIL, so I do sympathise, but I really can’t stress enough that you need to walk away from him. You’ve given him multiple warnings, and most crucially you said last time that if it happened again you’d leave. If you don’t follow through with that, then any last bit of bargaining power you may have is gone and you are just along for the ride.

Check your credit report right now. Make sure none of these loans are attached to you in any way, if they are then that’s your opening to the conversation with him.

Also worth mentioning as I have heard this from multiple of DH’s friends who have sworn to give it all up, done gamstop, signed up to gamcare, there’s still websites to get around it. There is one in particular where you have to pay £50 to get into the site, but you can pay and get in regardless of whether you’ve done Gamstop etc. For someone who wants to bet as desperately as your DH clearly does, there’s always a way to get back to it.

I agree it’s an addiction, but you’re wrong in saying the advice would be any different if it was drink or drugs. You have children to think about, after multiple warnings, and offers of help, I wouldn’t allow any form of addict to stay in the family home/around children, because any kind of addiction fosters desperation for the next fix which is harmful no matter how it comes out. His next fix, the loans, the debt, could and very will might cost your kids their home. Are you still going to love him in a years time when instead of walking down the aisle you and your children are desperately trying to find a place to live because all of these pay day loans have caught up with him and you can’t pay your bills? Is “love” really enough to put your kids through that?

Cancel the wedding. Don’t marry him. Leave him. No, it’s not what you want, but he isn’t who you want him to be either. He wants to gamble. He likes the thrill of it. He would rather spend every penny he has on gambling than not, even if he knows you’ll leave him. It’s what he wants. Sorry, it’s harsh but it’s staring all of us in the face.

I know the bluntness of that stung, but I can't see a third option either. I suspect all addicts have lots of lovely redeeming qualities when they are not in the throes of their addiction. But when they are, they will take their wives and children to the ends of hell for their addiction. There isn't an in between. I feel for you desperately, but I'd cancel that wedding and put the money where he can't access it. Whichever choice you make, you're going to need it.

You need to check that he’s still paying the bills!
also you say you can’t afford to live without him, eventually you won’t be able to afford to live with him as he’s going deeper and deeper into debt

You gave him a choice, he chose gambling. He would rather gamble than have his lovely family set up. It’s what he wants. Let him have it and move on. There is life after this, you’ll find a way and move on from him.

Theres no shame in it. Don’t be embarrassed. There would be more so if you marry him knowing what you know. Your family will support your decision.

Gamblers never change, I made the mistake of marrying one all false promises until 6 months after married baliffs turned up at the door and I then learnt of hidden credit cards, bank accounts with over over drafts. I walked out 2 days later and never looked back

I can’t afford to be on my own.

You’re eventually going to have to find a way to afford everything on your own whether you stay with him or not.

It’ll get to the point where he financially drains more than he contributes, and all he is then is an extra mouth to feed.

@PennyForearm had some sound advice. If you can't and won't leave him then you need to protect yourself as you cannot make him stop. You just can't. It's one of the deepest and darkest addictions out there, he will take money and goods from anyone and anywhere in the end. There's a good chance he'll never change, even if he stops for periods of time he will always always be an addict.

But you don't love the gambling addiction.
There's a risk he will have serious financial problems if it's not successfully treated which will impact on you and DC.
Do you want to risk this?

Definitely don't marry him.
Keep finances separate as it's safer.
I would end the relationship.

It is black and white.

you told him if he did it again it would be over. He’s done it again. So now what? You forgive him again? So what’s stopping him doing it again and again and again?

you absolutely end it.

If you have a spare 27 minutes this is a very good listen; I remember it on the radio - https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000v61m

Gambling addicts do not stop until they hit rock bottom, as this man did. Chasing losses with more bets, generating bigger losses and chasing them with bigger bets.

He won't change. He's shown you who he is 3 times but you closed your eyes. Either carry on living together and put up with it because it's part of him you won't change or separate if you can't tolerate it anymore. Make sure your half of your house is separate legally from his half. I think it's called tenants in common or something like that. Then if he gambles his half away you still get to keep your half. Don't ever marry him or you face financial ruin. For your DC sake don't do it.

Gambling addicts have very pessimistic stats in terms of recovering, and staying that way.

We thought my brother had recovered. 15 years of total peace. And then BAM. But this time he had a wife and children. It was a horrible, horrible mess and it took SIL more than a decade and a half to recover from the various damage he caused her.

I swear to God I’d rather have a heroin addict in my personal sphere than a gambling addict. Their chances of getting clean and staying that way are much better.

So my rather bleak advice is don’t marry him. Don’t share any financial aspects of your life with him. Don’t think you can rely on honesty and transparency even if bank account, credit card access is always open to you. Don’t rely on his financial contribution to your lives together as your known income. Just bank his contribution and save it. Arrange your living standard around your income only. Never tell him anything that would allow him to take out debt in your name. Keep receipts for everything you buy for the house and kids, in a special file, so you can prove to suddenly arrived bailiffs that your stuff is your stuff and they can’t take it.

Live like the hammer could fall at anytime and prepare for that day. Because there is a horrifyingly high risk that day will come. And you’ll wish you had been prepared for it as the sky falls on your children’s lives.

Yes, it would be easier to live separately, even if you still spend loads of time together. But people rarely feel ready to take that step until the worst damage has been done. All you can do is reimagine your life with a realistic eye on a looming black cloud and make sure the umbrella you build will protect your children by protecting yourself.

And a huge hug. Because a gambling addiction is such an awful, grinding thing to have to live with in your life. It’s like living ready for the next bomb to drop all the time, never able to properly breathe freely and relax.

OP, my dad is over 80 and I think he started to gamble as soon as he got his first pay packet as a young man. My parents are both very frugal and to the best of my knowledge he gambles with his own money - but this does not make it OK. In my experience, the addiction ALWAYS comes first and it casts a long shadow. The bills were always paid but I never felt safe. An addict is an addict is an addict. He won't stop unless he wants to. Yes, it may well be a coping mechanism or a mask for something else but that's not your crap to carry. Either leave him or accept that you may end up like my mother - living with a volatile, thin-skinned, selfish, controlling, lying, insecure and emotionally abusive bully in a pensioner's body who allows the fall out from the wrong horse winning to dictate his mood and her life. She won't leave him and he sure as hell has not mellowed with age. I seldom visit as it is an unpleasant atmosphere to be in. Please get some support for yourself.

Well, this thread has gone exactly how I expected...

I'm not sure how anyone can advise OP to leave without knowing the whole story. A £20 bet on the football, or similar which he enjoys, is very different to wagering £500 on a horse or online casinos. I would guess, that the amount he bets is less than you think, as lenders will not lend to anyone who consistently gambles.

ALL ADDICTS CAN STOP - If they get the help and support they need.

I'm surprised so many have told you to walk, when you have three children with him. He is still their dad and you can't, or at least you shouldn't just walk and cut all ties.

As I said previously, until you find out how much he is gambling, how often and what on, it is impossible for anyone here to give you the correct advice.

FYI - I used to gamble on football frequently. I'm not sure if I would have called myself an addict but there was a time when I would quite easily put on anywhere from £500- £1000 in bets a month. It wasn't the money I wagered that affected me, a i could afford it, but it was the way it took over my life - Not wanting to see friends or family because I had a game on or, staying up until 4am to see the score of an Argentinian football game, which I had no clue about.

Once an addict always an addict? Not true at all. I am proof.

I sense you don’t want to leave him but you have to protect your children and yourself. I would get the house transferred into your name only and I wouldn’t marry him. You can then carry on living together and see how it goes but if it goes badly you are in a good position
I realise you’ll get lots of questions about why you cancelled the wedding and you probably don’t want to say the real reason but if it’s next year it’s far enough in advance to come up with a good excuse.