Caught him secret gambling AGAIN - WWYD?

[Happymummy22]

I really need some help/advice. I’m stuck with how to handle my current situation.

Myself and my partner have been together 6 years. We have a small & intimate (albeit still costly) wedding booked for next year. I love him a lot & although we’ve had our trials and tribulations like any relationship, for the most part it’s good. We have 2 children together and I have one from a previous relationship (but he is treated much the same by his stepdad, of course).

Now my issue in short is that I’m pretty certain my other half has a gambling addiction. I didn’t know anything about it until I was already pregnant with our first child & we were in the process of buying a house together (obviously it got brought up when he sent his bank statements to the mortgage broker). He promised me there and then that he would stop & it wasn’t an issue.

We bought the house a few months later - all fine. I then found he was being sneaky on his phone and moody/ up and down and quickly realised he was gambling again. Obviously by this point we had a house together so I was even more concerned. We had the emotional chats and yet again he promised he would stop and as far as I was aware he did.

Then comes the 3rd time. I was pregnant with baby number 3 and I found that he was doing it again. This time it was too much, I even called up a counselling service myself as I was struggling with how to deal with it & the impact it was having on me mentally with the baby due any time. I spoke to him again and basically said it was the final straw. That he needed to seek help and if I found he was doing it again - we were done. Ultimately I have told him that it’s unacceptable, that his choices & the results of his gambling affect not just him but me and his family. He signed up to gamcare & blocked all of his accounts. Cried and told me he would never do it again and he was really sorry.

Fast forward to recently. We went on a trip and I was expecting to pay for everything (it was my treat for a celebration). He was offering to pay here there and everywhere when I already knew he had little money. Red flags, I thought he had either had a windfall from somewhere or he has taken out a loan. Last night I checked his phone. I can’t get into his banking but there were lots of those types of text messages where direct debits have been set up for minimum amounts on credit cards/loans (the ones you apply for with bad credit such as vanquish, marbles etc). Also constant texts day after day from his bank saying he’s in overdraft. Then his internet search history “how do I remove myself from Gamstop)”

I’m distraught. obviously I love him a lot but this is massive for me. I was in a bad place with money with my ex (who I had my first child with) and when we split I scrimped and scraped as a single parent for years & told myself I would never be in that situation again. He knows all of this. I work a hard and stressful job to try and give my family a good life (he does too, might I add) but whilst my money is being spent on things for the kids or trying to save, it seems he’s getting us more and more in debt.

What do I do? I don’t want to leave him but I also can’t live like this, it torturing me mentally. I know I need to have the conversation with him but ultimately, I’ve given him the ultimatum last time & here we are again so that didn’t work, but I really don’t want to split my family up so I don’t even know how the conversation goes?! What do I say? Stop gambling or… I’m not going to leave you anyway?!
I also know he’s going to be fuming that I went through his phone & so so defensive that it’s going to blow up and I don’t want that around the kids. But I knew I needed to confirm what my gut was telling me for my sanity.

The wedding is getting ever closer and it’s really making me have doubts. obviously we’re already intertwined moneywise owning a house & having kids together, but the thought of being married and being even more connected financially is scaring the life out of me. On the flip side, due to the current state of affairs (childcare costs, mortgage, car finance) I wouldn’t be able to afford everything on my own even if I did have to leave.

I know he can sense the last couple of days that something is off & I feel it’s starting to affect t the atmosphere in the house so I need to broach the subject sooner rather than later but I’m really at a loss as to what to do next.

I feel so lost. Please help!

If he's a gambler, leave now. Don't waste any more of your time.

If you stay with him you have to call off the wedding. The conditions of you staying are:

• the house is transferred into your sole name
• his salary is paid directly into your account and you give him a small spending amount each month but nothing else
• he gets help by joining Gamblers anonymous (or whatever the equivalent is) and he goes religiously every week
• he accepts and admits that he has a problem

You already gave him an ultimatum last time. It was an empty threat. He knows that.

You said some keyboard warrior will come along and say he clearly doesn't love you if he's doing this - I'll take the flack for this;
No. He CLEARLY doesn't love you. You have a house, 3 children, jobs, and a life people would fucking give their kidneys/ovaries/everything 10 times over for and he is SHITTING all over it.
None of this is worth him stopping his gambling. Let that sink in. YOU are not worth him stopping this. Neither are your kids or your family life. Otherwise he'd never do this again.

Please please value yourself and protect your children now.
You aren't splitting the family up, he is splitting it up with his selfishness. He was already told last time what would happen so its only natural you go through with it.

You've already done everything you can to save this, you stayed with him the first time you caught him! Trust me you never EVER want any kind of addict as a partner.

Spend 10/20/30 years on and off trying to help. But you will never fix him. He's already shown his true colours.

You have a choice. Confront him, let him kick off and the tell him to leave.

Or stay. And watch this slowly ruin your life like so, so many partners out there who have lost decades and thousands of pounds to selfish gambling addicts.

Sorry for the tough love. But you have to look after number 1 - you and your kids

They haven't changed. I'm so sorry, but this is it isn't it? Like with children, you really have to follow through with the ultimatum.

Imagine if you don't. In a years time you'll be married. And you still will be living in fear of him gambling everything you have worked for away. He will lie forever to protect his addiction. You think this decision is hard, but imagine what it is going to be like when bailiffs start showing up. When you get declined credit because of his mistakes. When this all comes tumbling down and there is no untangling it because it has gone too far.

He might get help. He might change. He might recover. But not while he isn't being held to account. Not while he thinks he can sneak "just one more bet". That he can undo all the promises he made you already. You are asking him to take vows with you and you know he can't keep a promise.

This. You leave him or put up with it and risk losing everything. He will never change.

But whatever happens FFS don't marry him!

The best advice I can give is make decisions with head not heart.

Firstly, you don't even know what his debts are - if they are greater than the equity in your house. that can help to refocus love against practical, important stuff.

Secondly, check out his credit rating and your own.

Thirdly, don't marry him. Do get him off the deeds of the house and no joint bank accounts.

Fourthly, find out how much he gambles every month. Most likely it is all his salary, plus some more. How do you feel about his being out of the house 8 hours a day five days a week and only having to take money away from his partner and kids after.

Fifthly, any addict will take as much as you let them. They will also lie because their addiction is more important for them that anything else in the world. You can choose second best for yourself, but for your kids? Surely that's a line? By all means stay in a partnership but he can live separately and demons how much he is will to help you disentangle yourself from his life wrecking mess.

About 3 years ago I met a girl in an online game, we had nothing then were just playing time to time, untill this year

We had a break for around 6 months and then she contact me again , we start playing and after a couple of months she started flirting with me, at the beginning I took it as a joke and flirted back, couple weeks after I fail into her trap and I got some feelings, I asked her to go for a vacation so we can meet irl

She agreed she booked the tickets and called me immediately she was sound so excited and I felt good

After that she told me that she have another trip to go first, and she had planned this one cuse she had other guy who flirted for a bit but it didn’t get serious like ours

I got a bit suspicious there but I kept going

While she was on this vacation we texted all day she changed her tickets for one week to two weeks so she can stay more with me as she said, she was so excited for that and I believed it

But then she went into a group tour thing and she met a guy they exchanged numbers and she told me that she talk with him and flirt time to time but she told me that she want me and only me

At this moment I knew exactly what is going to happen but I was already in love with her , we kept chatting and flirting

1 week before our vacation she told me that she have meet and dated a tinder guy, after that she told me that she still want to meet me and hope to fall for me

When we met irl at our first night in our Airbnb i asked her to cuddle she refused and then I didn’t made an other move since I get the message, we still enjoyed the holidays as friends

Then we met a friend of mine she starter flirting with him I asked her to stop cuse I don’t feel comfortable since I have feeling for her

I asked her to stop 3 times but she didn’t , she met him and they kissed I got upset we had an argument and I left the Airbnb, almost a week with no contact, she apologised and she said that she indeed loved me back them but she lost that in the way

I kinda want to let her go but at the same time I don’t .. what are your thoughts?

You will become jointly liable for all his debts

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