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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s for subtle reasons, but I don’t like my MIL. I want to, help me change

68 replies

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:34

Ok, there are many reasons what have contributed to this, some more serious than others. Overall, it’s the subtle things my MIL says to me out of earshot of my DH that drives me insane.
There are a few recent examples, but recently I had a very exciting update to my work where I had an award ceremony type thing. I worked very hard to get to this point, and have a hugely supportive DH who helps me when I’m busy with work look after our 2 DC. He doesn’t help with my work at all but we are very hands on and as we both work FT we will step up when the other needs it. I do just as much for my DH as he does for me.
I was chatting about it with my MIL and she made a very big point of sure why wouldn’t I be so successful without my DH supporting me. I agreed, of course, but it’s my work and my recognition. I thought it was really odd.
q the big award night…. My mum refers to me doing quite well to MIL as they are seated together, while I’m being recognised on stage. MIL glares at my mother, doesn’t respond to her, then my DM got a vibe quickly added of course with my DH’s support. She never commented. Just turned away. My mum found it very odd and uncomfortable. It was just unnecessary.
Its tiny, but there are always lots of tiny things. They add up.
I just dislike her. How do I stop focusing on this stuff? It’s so little, but I find it really hurtful. My DH thinks she is mainly an angel, so I seethe often in silence.
Help me improve my perception.
It’s easier to feel this way of it’s obvious and loud, but it’s the little things. Any wisdom?

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 27/09/2023 16:38

But why wouldnt you dislike her when she acts like that? You cannot force feelings if they are not there plus, you wouldnt have any respect for yourself if you just accept her behaviour and actively like her. She sounds very passive aggressive, which is a horrible trait. You feel how you feel, nothing wrong with that.

PyramusandThisbe · 27/09/2023 16:39

Why do you think it's your duty to like her? Drop the rope and let yourself feel about her as you would about someone you work with and don't much like -- which is essentially the IL situation. You only know your MIL because of who you married, she's not someone you'd choose to have in your life otherwise. DH knows I'm not crazy about his mother's tactlessness and lack of imagination, and he's not wild about my mother's emotional vampirism, timidity and joylessness. We're both basically polite to one another's mothers, but we certainly don't go to any trouble to like them. I certainly wouldn't sit about seething in silence, either to DH or to his mother.

Littlemissprosecco · 27/09/2023 16:39

My MIL is like this, 25 years, I’m afraid I have no real answers!
I just ignore her now, I don’t rise to any of her nonsense, it drives her mad. She constantly goads me, but I just smile sweetly!( seethe inside!)

crumpet · 27/09/2023 16:40

You don’t have to be best friends. Think of her as a work colleague, and detach from emotional investment in her.

EIMWDIEAD · 27/09/2023 16:42

I wouldn’t try and force yourself to like her, I think when we don’t like people, the feeling is usually mutual.

silverbubbles · 27/09/2023 16:42

You know she is like this so why invite her to the awards evening?

Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:43

I think because, I see her as a useful babysitter!! That’s what she is to me. We don’t get out much. But when we do, we will ask her to take care of DC. So I feel obliged to be nice.
But to me she’s my DH mother, my DC grandmother and my occasional babysitter(which she very much wants to do) but not liking someone I “use” for babysitting occasionally doesn’t sit well with me. It almost feels unethical.

Maybe I should accept it. She’s passive aggressive, that’s it exactly. I couldn’t pin point it. Thank you! But sneaky about it, which to me is the worst kind.

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 27/09/2023 16:43

I would do the whole “I am sure neither of us would be as successful without the support of each other” “DH wouldn’t be as successful without me either”

Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:44

silverbubbles · 27/09/2023 16:42

You know she is like this so why invite her to the awards evening?

“It was the right thing to do”
I didn’t want her there. But I respect my DH and his want to have her involved and to celebrate me. Lol!!!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2023 16:45

Does your husband know about the things she says?

Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:48

He doesn’t know about the latest update about the conversation with my DM yet as this is what provoked me to try and turn to mumsnet to express my feelings. But he did about a few other bits of late. But he does try and minimise and not let it grow legs. He knows I don’t like her, wishes I did and tries to keep everyone happy. I do generally stay away from her. I hate when she visits 😶

OP posts:
Nonplusultra · 27/09/2023 16:50

My relationship with my mil improved when I started to detach and wonder why she would say something like that instead of getting drawn into an emotional reaction.

I should admit that was a side effect of pre natal depression during my second pregnancy rather than a stage on my path to sainthood. I just couldn’t quite stir myself to be upset, offended, or whatever.

I did get some huge insights into her character and saw things that I’d never noticed before in the family dynamics. I have a lot of compassion for her now - tempered with irritation I do admit, now that my emotions are properly plugged in again, but she doesn’t have the same ability to get under my skin anymore.

It’s a really bizarre relationship when you think about it. You’re suddenly close family with someone that you barely know and operating at an intimacy level that takes decades to develop. The best version of a mil-dil relationship seems to involve very careful pussyfooting, avoiding expressing any opinions while pretending you’re not doing any such thing. I think that once I grasped that I stopped expecting it to be anything other than awkward and just let it be what it is. 18 years later we get on well, respect each other and know our limits.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2023 16:50

Does she live nearby?

category12 · 27/09/2023 16:52

If you're confident she wants to babysit, then stop feeling guilty over it. She's probably doing it for her son, not you anyway. Have him ask her instead of you, so you're not asking favours.

Just be civil to her as your children's grandma and husband's mum and try to let her sniping pass over your head.

PyramusandThisbe · 27/09/2023 16:53

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:48

He doesn’t know about the latest update about the conversation with my DM yet as this is what provoked me to try and turn to mumsnet to express my feelings. But he did about a few other bits of late. But he does try and minimise and not let it grow legs. He knows I don’t like her, wishes I did and tries to keep everyone happy. I do generally stay away from her. I hate when she visits 😶

Well, tell him?

Though I have to say, I couldn't give a shiny shite what my MIL thinks of my professional achievements, and I can't imagine inviting her to an event to celebrate them. Mine wanted a DIL who would be a SAHM to at least three children, and who would be endlessly available to go shopping and to bingo and Weightwatchers with her. Instead she got a career academic who went back early after maternity leave and whose idea of a good time is opera and mountain climbing. Life is tough.

Brefugee · 27/09/2023 16:53

Why try to like her? I loathed my MIL and saw as little of her as possible and was polite when I did.

GrumpyPanda · 27/09/2023 16:54

You could point out to MIL that DH equally owes his success to your support.

But I suspect you're a bit insecure on that point yourself. Else why would you write " I ... have a hugely supportive DH who helps me when I’m busy with work look after our 2 DC." Seriously?! He doesn't help you - he looks after his own DC, no more and no less.

aloris · 27/09/2023 16:56

It is ok for her to babysit as likely she's doing it for him, not you. I would let your dh ask her for babysitting, don't do it yourself.

From what you describe of her, you are probably wise not to trust her. She thinks you should be grateful your dh helps with your career - does she feel the same about him, that be should be grateful you help with his career? I doubt it. Sounds like she thinks marriage is all about the man and how the woman can justify her existence by supporting him.

Roastbeefandyorkshires · 27/09/2023 17:00

17 years and just beginning to detach from mine...

Nosleepforthismum · 27/09/2023 17:19

I try to remember that people that belittle others and look down on their achievements often do it due to insecurity around their own success. Sometimes it works and I’m able to convert my dislike for someone into pity. Worth a shot.

Topseyt123 · 27/09/2023 17:21

You don't have to like her and I don't see why you think otherwise.

When you really must be in her company just be cool and civil for the sake of your kids and DH, but there's really no need for anything more.

Why the hell was she invited to you awards evening? I really don't get that at all and don't see why you think it was the right thing to do. She's hardly particularly supportive of you! Why wasn't she babysitting instead? Surely that would have been a right thing to do??

Topseyt123 · 27/09/2023 17:24

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:44

“It was the right thing to do”
I didn’t want her there. But I respect my DH and his want to have her involved and to celebrate me. Lol!!!!

Show quote history

You need to get firmer with DH. He realises that you and his mother don't really get on, so I'd have said that she could be the babysitter as she otherwise just isn't your biggest supporter.

griegwithhimandhim · 27/09/2023 17:42

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:48

He doesn’t know about the latest update about the conversation with my DM yet as this is what provoked me to try and turn to mumsnet to express my feelings. But he did about a few other bits of late. But he does try and minimise and not let it grow legs. He knows I don’t like her, wishes I did and tries to keep everyone happy. I do generally stay away from her. I hate when she visits 😶

He knows you don't like her, but does he know that she doesn't like you?

BlueKaftan · 27/09/2023 17:50

In the nicest possible way please don’t try to be nice to mean people. You owe her nothing. Protect yourself from her cruelty.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2023 17:53

"He knows I don’t like her, wishes I did and tries to keep everyone happy".

His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as it does you. He's a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother and likely defaults to some child like mode in her presence. He probably uses you as some sort of buffer between he and she. He wishes you did like her because he does not want to and equally cannot deal with her partly because he still seeks her approval even now. This re him is a problem in its own right.