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Original poster

It’s for subtle reasons, but I don’t like my MIL. I want to, help me change

68 replies

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:34

Ok, there are many reasons what have contributed to this, some more serious than others. Overall, it’s the subtle things my MIL says to me out of earshot of my DH that drives me insane.
There are a few recent examples, but recently I had a very exciting update to my work where I had an award ceremony type thing. I worked very hard to get to this point, and have a hugely supportive DH who helps me when I’m busy with work look after our 2 DC. He doesn’t help with my work at all but we are very hands on and as we both work FT we will step up when the other needs it. I do just as much for my DH as he does for me.
I was chatting about it with my MIL and she made a very big point of sure why wouldn’t I be so successful without my DH supporting me. I agreed, of course, but it’s my work and my recognition. I thought it was really odd.
q the big award night…. My mum refers to me doing quite well to MIL as they are seated together, while I’m being recognised on stage. MIL glares at my mother, doesn’t respond to her, then my DM got a vibe quickly added of course with my DH’s support. She never commented. Just turned away. My mum found it very odd and uncomfortable. It was just unnecessary.
Its tiny, but there are always lots of tiny things. They add up.
I just dislike her. How do I stop focusing on this stuff? It’s so little, but I find it really hurtful. My DH thinks she is mainly an angel, so I seethe often in silence.
Help me improve my perception.
It’s easier to feel this way of it’s obvious and loud, but it’s the little things. Any wisdom?

OP posts:
Burlapandbodger · 30/09/2023 09:33

Changedmymind99 · 30/09/2023 08:04

Morning.
I did discuss my feelings on it with DH.
He was very understanding and believed everything. As it turns out, he has seen a couple of the subtleties that I’ve experienced which made it more validating.
I explained to him nothing changes, I’ve already distanced myself from her and will be even more conscientious of it going forward.
He was understandably so frustrated by hearing it as he doesn’t want it to be a reality. It’s really uncalled for.

We can see where her frustrations stem from, why she may be somewhat jealous of us and feels obliged to knock us down when no one is watching. Her life (of her very own choosing) wasn’t what she wanted and she didn’t have a supportive DH either. She never got to reach her full capability for many reasons. No one stopped her, just circumstances and lack of confidence. We see it clearly. But her life decisions are not our fault. So; a shame, but I’ve arrived more at acceptance of it. It will make me feel less frustrated hopefully going forward.

ps she will never ever ever be invited to anything by me ever again.

It’s good your dh validated your feelings op that’s all that matters really. So many men won’t or can’t see the actions of their own family clearly.

I think you would feel better about the situation if you called out her passive aggressiveness there and then when you hear it. There’s no need to be impolite, you can do it very respectfully and cordially, but you can challenge some of her perspectives.

As a pp said you can refer to “teamwork” and “mutual support” or simply say “well happily, dh and I don’t quite see it that way”.

Oblomov23 · 30/09/2023 10:16

Why haven't you had this out? Calmly addressed her in a very calm conversation. With you, Dh and her at the kitchen table.

Or rather, why would you invite someone who clearly resents you and doesn't support you to an awards ceremony? why wouldn't you just take your mum? Why on earth did you invite her?

What does Dh say about it all? Why would he allow her to treat you this way? Why hasn't he had a word with her?

There's so much here to unpick.

Oblomov23 · 30/09/2023 10:20

Hire a different babysitter. Minimalise how much she is in your life. Don't invite her to anything, unless you absolutely have to.

MNetcurtains · 30/09/2023 10:21

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:43

I think because, I see her as a useful babysitter!! That’s what she is to me. We don’t get out much. But when we do, we will ask her to take care of DC. So I feel obliged to be nice.
But to me she’s my DH mother, my DC grandmother and my occasional babysitter(which she very much wants to do) but not liking someone I “use” for babysitting occasionally doesn’t sit well with me. It almost feels unethical.

Maybe I should accept it. She’s passive aggressive, that’s it exactly. I couldn’t pin point it. Thank you! But sneaky about it, which to me is the worst kind.

Just fake it and take full advantage on the babysitting front. You don't have to like her.

Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 30/09/2023 10:33

The baby sitting is rare. Once a month, if even, for a night so we can head out alone for a meal. It’s not a regular thing. Tbh she wants to take DC she does really enjoy them. It’s her only time alone with them, other than a brief visit every and then from DH.

OP posts:
Marigoldilock · 30/09/2023 12:13

Burlapandbodger · 30/09/2023 09:25

If this was out of character for your mil, are you sure she wasn’t just leaving you alone to protect your privacy, or perhaps your dh had told her to allow you to rest, or maybe she thought looking after the dc was doing her bit, or some people have anxiety around vomit, or maybe she was wary of catching the bug herself?

There could be any number of reasons for her actions; I am interested to know why your first assumption is that she was behaving out of malice?

Show quote history

Well, there is a bit of a backstory. I have seen her disregarding the health concerns of other people if it suited her in the past, but I always tried to convince myself it wasn't as it seemed. Vague examples would be knowing that someone has x condition and shouldn't do y, but she wants to do y and so pushes them into it or makes little digs when they don't.

She had kind of pressured me into doing something the day before I took really unwell. I told her I wasn't feeling great but she sort of pushed me to do the thing anyway, despite knowing i wasnt really up to it. The next day I was clearly pretty unwell and I think she felt guilty about the day before and so actually pretended that I wasn't unwell so she didn't have to acknowledge how I must have felt the day before.

I wasn't expecting her to risk her own health at all, but I was awake and she could have left a glass of water outside the room. Her behaviour was unbelievably bizarre for any normal person.

These werent the actions of someone who was sensitively giving me space to recover. She was acting like she didn't want me to know that she knew I was unwell. It was the strangest charade I've ever seen in my life. I'm a pretty normal, stable person with a reasonable amount of emotional intelligence and I know the balance between checking in with someone who is sick, while also maintaining a distance, while also preserving their dignity and giving them space to rest. This was none of those things.

We had always had a reasonably good relationship up until that point, the odd bump along the way but I'm a pretty easy going person and let things go and see the bigger picture. I guess I never thought that I'd be on the receiving end of her odd behaviour, at least not in such an overt way. I was naive.

Marigoldilock · 30/09/2023 12:15

Sorry I don't want to derail the thread,sorry op!

Blinkityblonk · 30/09/2023 12:30

@Marigoldilock That's almost exactly my story. My MIL pushed me to do activities when I was pregnant and dependant on her for transport so couldn't even go home. I was then very very sick. She was unconcerned, more concerned she would still be able to go out the next day! I just realised then not only did she not care about me, she could be actively harmful by being neglectful/ignoring when people were ill. My husband, who was not there at the time, was furious. We never ever left our children alone with her for childcare for this reason, she just had no sense of their needs, food, drink, she just would ignore this stuff! So in some ways it clarified the situation to all concerned, but it was a bit sad. Get on fine with her on a superficial level since then but I would never rely on her for anything.

Marigoldilock · 30/09/2023 12:38

Blinkityblonk · 30/09/2023 12:30

@Marigoldilock That's almost exactly my story. My MIL pushed me to do activities when I was pregnant and dependant on her for transport so couldn't even go home. I was then very very sick. She was unconcerned, more concerned she would still be able to go out the next day! I just realised then not only did she not care about me, she could be actively harmful by being neglectful/ignoring when people were ill. My husband, who was not there at the time, was furious. We never ever left our children alone with her for childcare for this reason, she just had no sense of their needs, food, drink, she just would ignore this stuff! So in some ways it clarified the situation to all concerned, but it was a bit sad. Get on fine with her on a superficial level since then but I would never rely on her for anything.

I'm sorry. Its awful when you realise that someone just literally doesn't care about you. These people tend to not really care about anyone, I've realised. Its unfortunate but best to know where you stand.

openallday · 30/09/2023 12:43

My MIL is passive aggressive

She can't help herself. I know she's a good parent / grandparent, very loving and supportive but she cannot help but criticise me . Usually my approach to parenting abd she can be a bit controlling

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 30/09/2023 12:50

Changedmymind99 · 30/09/2023 10:33

The baby sitting is rare. Once a month, if even, for a night so we can head out alone for a meal. It’s not a regular thing. Tbh she wants to take DC she does really enjoy them. It’s her only time alone with them, other than a brief visit every and then from DH.

Once a month is not rare!

Rare is once every couple of years!

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2023 12:51

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:43

I think because, I see her as a useful babysitter!! That’s what she is to me. We don’t get out much. But when we do, we will ask her to take care of DC. So I feel obliged to be nice.
But to me she’s my DH mother, my DC grandmother and my occasional babysitter(which she very much wants to do) but not liking someone I “use” for babysitting occasionally doesn’t sit well with me. It almost feels unethical.

Maybe I should accept it. She’s passive aggressive, that’s it exactly. I couldn’t pin point it. Thank you! But sneaky about it, which to me is the worst kind.

Presumably your husband 'uses' her for babysitting too?

So just get him to deal with her

Lavender14 · 30/09/2023 13:08

I agree with others that it's good your dh can see it but he needs to start calling it out directly with her and being clear it's not acceptable and needs to stop. If she's doing it around him then there's nothing to stop your dc picking up on it too which gives then unhealthy messages and undermines one of their parents. It just needs nipped in the bud and she needs to see you're a united front in that respect so best dh leads it especially since she's his mother.

Littlemissprosecco · 30/09/2023 16:24

Rare!! My mil has never baby sat!!! Always offers, but unfortunately if ever asked, she’s really sorry but it isn’t convenient.
I stopped asking…….

wishingiwas20something · 06/12/2023 10:35

Someone once told me that MIL’s should keep their hearts open and their mouths shut. I’ve lamented I think this works in both directions, even when they are being UNBEARABLE. Smile and wave! And make sure there is a concrete nursing home budget for the old dear. 🤣

Bertiesmum3 · 10/12/2023 07:24

Changedmymind99 · 27/09/2023 16:43

I think because, I see her as a useful babysitter!! That’s what she is to me. We don’t get out much. But when we do, we will ask her to take care of DC. So I feel obliged to be nice.
But to me she’s my DH mother, my DC grandmother and my occasional babysitter(which she very much wants to do) but not liking someone I “use” for babysitting occasionally doesn’t sit well with me. It almost feels unethical.

Maybe I should accept it. She’s passive aggressive, that’s it exactly. I couldn’t pin point it. Thank you! But sneaky about it, which to me is the worst kind.

I definitely wouldn’t let anyone look after my children if I didn’t like them!
maybe you need to reconsider letting her look after your children!!

olympicsrock · 10/12/2023 07:35

Well done for telling DH. I know think you need to try to like this witch more.
Things you could do to try and make it easier….

Expect bombs to be thrown. The theory is that if you accept that she does these things you will be less thrown/ upset when she does them.

Accept that when she does/ says these things it is about her and not you ie her regret for not being successful, no longer having a husband , not being the number one in DH’s life. Your feelings may turn from dislike to pity and acceptance which may make it easier .

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 08:59

You absolutely don't have to like her. Cordial is your target.

Her relationship is with her son and her grandchildren. They are the ones with the connection, the shared family history. Let them get on with it. Try not to let it take up too much real estate in your head. Smile. Be polite. Take the babysitting.

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