It’s for subtle reasons, but I don’t like my MIL. I want to, help me change

[Changedmymind99]

Ok, there are many reasons what have contributed to this, some more serious than others. Overall, it’s the subtle things my MIL says to me out of earshot of my DH that drives me insane.
There are a few recent examples, but recently I had a very exciting update to my work where I had an award ceremony type thing. I worked very hard to get to this point, and have a hugely supportive DH who helps me when I’m busy with work look after our 2 DC. He doesn’t help with my work at all but we are very hands on and as we both work FT we will step up when the other needs it. I do just as much for my DH as he does for me.
I was chatting about it with my MIL and she made a very big point of sure why wouldn’t I be so successful without my DH supporting me. I agreed, of course, but it’s my work and my recognition. I thought it was really odd.
q the big award night…. My mum refers to me doing quite well to MIL as they are seated together, while I’m being recognised on stage. MIL glares at my mother, doesn’t respond to her, then my DM got a vibe quickly added of course with my DH’s support. She never commented. Just turned away. My mum found it very odd and uncomfortable. It was just unnecessary.
Its tiny, but there are always lots of tiny things. They add up.
I just dislike her. How do I stop focusing on this stuff? It’s so little, but I find it really hurtful. My DH thinks she is mainly an angel, so I seethe often in silence.
Help me improve my perception.
It’s easier to feel this way of it’s obvious and loud, but it’s the little things. Any wisdom?

This:
"The best version of a mil-dil relationship seems to involve very careful pussyfooting, avoiding expressing any opinions while pretending you’re not doing any such thing"

From another side I dont find relationships with my adult children's partners particularly easy: there is a lot at stake, a lot of chances to get it wrong, but not a lot of shared knowledge and tolerance to draw on. You can decide to go all in and 'love' them, and then find the relationship is over or had sides you weren't told about. I find it much easier in the relationships where it is clear I am dc's mother and not having also to be d-in-law's friend. Of course I would step and up and help if asked or needed but mainly for dc's sake.

Perhaps a working relationship is the best to aim for with your mil: polite inclusion, communicate where/how you are working towards the same goals, esp re grandchidren, offer occasional words of appreciation for services rendered (and accept them if they are returned) but don't build your happiness around her.

So on the face, MIL and I do get on. I’m very polite, make boring conversation and do all the right things. Likewise she does the same with me. She can be complimentary of specific things such as my DC who are very lovely, well mannered and well looked after. It’s the subtle things that she says, only to me, that I guess sometimes I only see in hindsight as downright rude. I get caught on the hop of that makes sense and not quick enough to give it back.

so I will always maintain that politeness as I don’t want my dislike to rub off on my DC or become a problem for DH. It’s sometimes hard to explain to him as he doesn’t see it. Or I just get the vibe of a snub, but it’s not concrete. We did have more serious issues over 10 years ago with our wedding. Big fall out where she showed her true colours and there was a big big big intervention and come to Jesus moment for DH. So he’s much more wise to it now. She barely spoke to me at our wedding and after. She only softened when I became preg with DC1.

But what I am hearing is that, I need to just accept I don’t like her and it won’t change. No wisdom helps.
Less time with her (which I’ve achieved) she live 25 minute drive away. But I encourage DH to take DC to her without me; which he likes.
I never ask for babysitting, the only communication that’s not in person is a measly happy birthday text.
When DH is away for whatever reason and I’m offered support; I never ever ever take it.
I avoid being alone with her in general since the palava 10 years ago.

It’s funny, I never fully considered the dislike is mutual. Hillarious. I’ll remember that.

Also, the day after said event she text DH to compliment the night and thank him for it. Not a word to me. Sure DH was a guest as was she. That action is quite telling isn’t it.

This! You don't need to try to force yourself to like someone who keeps sniping at you. She knows she's being unkind, that's why she does it behind your husband's back, so he continues to think she's an angel.

Just be coolly polite. And when she pulls that nonsense about you having a successful career thanks to your husband's support, tell her "We support EACH OTHER, Doris. It goes both ways."

You don't have to like her. Aim for cordial, because it makes life easier, and she's going to be around a while. Try to remember that your dh is still somewhere in her head her little boy-and we're all inclined to be a bit irrational about our children. But don't try to like her if you don't. Cordial. That's your aim.

When I hit 50, something changed in me. Almost a life’s too short to waste moment. So I no longer give a ! She definitely senses this change, and doesn’t like it. I can’t quite decide if it’s made her better or worse, bit as I said, I genuinely don’t care anymore. I’ve tried, I can’t change things, so I’m not going to waste my energy trying or pretending.

I realised everything my MIL does is for DH. Not even her grandchildren and certainly not me. So I let everything wash over me like someone up thread said I treat her as a work colleague I don’t particularly like but remain polite.

In reality I usually go for a long dog walk then a hot bath when she visits. Don’t even think she noticed.

I don't know why you are sweating this. She probably doesn't like you that much, you don't like her, but it's nicer if everyone gets on, at least superficially. Just live your life, ignore her pettiness and ask your DH to step up if necessary. Be the bigger person. Your husband knows the truth- you did ace! His mums silliness over acknowledging him as if he's the next Messiah, just ignore it. I wouldn't even get him onside on this one, or if you do, be honest and just say I don't know why your mum is thanking you!

No need to like her. I don't like many things about my MIL, I do love her though on some level, her behaviour not so much.

And what was his response? He needs to demonstrate to his Mum that you are his priority by backing you and defending you. I would stop encouraging him to take the children to his Mum's without you because it is playing into her hands.

I would be cordial when you see her but not share information with her. Cut off the feed of personal stuff, only comment on trivial shit. Remember that you are allowing your children a relationship with a woman who you feel dislikes you. I wonder what she says about you to your children and your Dh doesn't challenge her on. If she is saying snide comments to your face what do you think she will say about you behind your back?

You need to talk to your Dh, especially about that text message. He is spineless.

" I would stop encouraging him to take the children to his Mum's without you because it is playing into her hands."
Absolutely don't do this. Don't make the children part of the issue. Their relationship with their grandmother is entirely separate to yours. Cordial, cordial, cordial!

I recently took sick with a horrible virus while my MIL was staying with us. My husband went to work and I was so unwell I couldn't stand up. The door to the bedroom I was in (in our tiny apartment!) didn't close and she was going up and down the hallway quite frequently, totally ignoring me.

She never asked me if I needed a drink of water, something to eat, a painkiller. Nothing. She practically blanked me all day. I heard her asking one of my kids to ask their grandad if he wanted a sandwich, and I was ignored.

My 6 extremely clumsy year old daughter was fetching me glasses of water because everyone else was ignoring me. My other child was bringing me snacks like a protein bar amd crackers. I was weak and hungry by the end of the day and they knew I hadn't eaten and just didn't care.

My husband was disappointed in how she behaved but didn't want to rock the boat as she had just done us a big favour.

I felt so unbelievably hurt. I've known her for over a decade and thought she saw me as a kind of daughter figure. Well she doesn't, clearly. She went out of her way not to speak to me, acknowledge me, help me and certainly not to care about me.

Since then, I've just dropped all expectation that she is anyone other that a woman related to my husband and kids. I've let go of any emotional attachment to her or anything she does or says now. How anyone can know that someone is so ill they can't stand up and not offer the meagrest morsel of human kindness is beyond me.

@Marigoldilock that's very disappointing, your kids sound lovely though! My MIL did something similar and I just realised she didn't really care for me at all. In some ways it makes it all a bit more straightforward.

Yes it was really upsetting. It was worse than the virus, that sense of being ignored in a time of need. Shortly after that awful initial part of the sickness had passed, i tried to go out for some fresh air and I met someone i know who exclaimed 'oh you poor thing, what's the matter! You look so unwell!'. A random neighbour was more compassionate.

I went back home as I couldn't stand and felt like I was going to faint. MIL was standing in the hall as i came in . She couldn't look at me but knew she had to acknowledge me and just said 'are you still sick?'. I made it to the bed and lay on top of the covers with quite laboured breathing. She walked past where I was lying (door couldn't close) and breezily shouted 'we're off out now!'.

At that point I thought 'we're finished'. I felt so lonely and homesick for my own mum in that moment, like a little girl.

It was so hurtful but now I know where I stand, like you said. What happened with you?

You have my sympathy. My MIL also uses under handed insidious tactics out of view of everyone.

Why would you ever like this type of small minded nasty woman.

You just have to accept this is the type of MIL you’re stuck with and try to avoid her as much as possible.

Always be polite and importantly don’t ever show any upset or your true feelings.

Hopefully she might eventually runout of her poisonous negative energy.

I sometimes think of the lovely mothers my ex-partners/boyfriends had and it makes me quite sad to think of what I could of had.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I definitely have more clarity on the matter.
I’m also very sorry to those who have far worse MILs than I do. You’re worth so much more than that nasty behaviour. I hope you remember that xx

This. Ideally. Good advice.

But your MIL's behavior, that feeling that she'll never have anything good to say about you and is making sure you notice - she's giving you a form of the Cold Shoulder.

You have tried to meet her half way but its not happening.

So I think you have to find ways of not letting her get to you, of making the intended slights matter so much less. I think the way to do this is to lower your expectations of her, recognise that she's never going to melt and be a warm and wonderful Mum substitute. Once you reconcile yourself to that - it's disappointing but it hurts less.

It's her loss that she has chosen to take that stance.

These types of MIL very rarely change. She sounds Jealous of you and wants to undermine your achievements. Even though its remarks here and there, they add up and it can be damaging in the long run. Dh sounds like he doesn't really want to get involved or upset his mum but it can potentially wreck havoc in your relationship down the line. DH needs to be supporting you and not allow his mother to undermine or upset you!

I detached from MIL when the kids were very young because she upset me frequently to the point of tears when I was a new mother. Since then she has continued to ignore our feelings on many things and has had tantrums and tears while playing the victim card on a few occasions. I feel detached. Yet we carry on the polite conversations although we are both aware they are a front. She doesn't help with the children so I don't feel indebted to her which means the waters aren't muddied either.

The more detached I have become (and literally don't see her for months at a time), the more DH has been overlooked many times n favour of his siblings which has hurt him - mainly passive aggressive incidents. I don't think she has enough self awareness to realise her pettiness is driving her son away.

We don't like each other. We know we don't like one another so the pretence is on both sides.

My mum is like this. She is eternally AMAZED that my dh cooks and does his share in our house. He is genuinely great and we split everything 50/50 but he could change a nappy and my mum will be like - wow. Mind blowing stuff. Never mind the million nappies I change between 8 and 6 Monday to Friday. It does really grate on me at times.

Generationally the bar has just been set so LOW for men that when they do something to support their wives its seen as a sacrifice and almost like they deserve to share in the credit as a result. Whereas if a sahm works hard to support her dh career- noone would dream of accrediting his success to her and the hard work she puts in behind the scenes UNLESS he leads that charge and publicly acknowledges it.

It sounds like that is where your mil is operating from and when my mum does it I feel sorry for her that she didn't know that she deserves more. Just like I do. And just like you do.

Your mil is a byproduct of a male centered society and in a way its not her fault entirely. You don't need to like her, you don't need to change but I would probably find a way to gently call her out when she does it so it doesn't fester. And maybe it will make her reflect if it's not too deeply ingrained. I would speak to your dh about it in a light way and hopefully he will support you by challenging those comments if he's around to hear them. It sounds like she has an idea of what it is to be a man and that involves being the breadwinner and main success of the household. It could be that part of her is jealous that you're achieving things in life she'd never felt able to do. Either way, to me it's just sad to hear any woman talk like that to another.

Morning.
I did discuss my feelings on it with DH.
He was very understanding and believed everything. As it turns out, he has seen a couple of the subtleties that I’ve experienced which made it more validating.
I explained to him nothing changes, I’ve already distanced myself from her and will be even more conscientious of it going forward.
He was understandably so frustrated by hearing it as he doesn’t want it to be a reality. It’s really uncalled for.

We can see where her frustrations stem from, why she may be somewhat jealous of us and feels obliged to knock us down when no one is watching. Her life (of her very own choosing) wasn’t what she wanted and she didn’t have a supportive DH either. She never got to reach her full capability for many reasons. No one stopped her, just circumstances and lack of confidence. We see it clearly. But her life decisions are not our fault. So; a shame, but I’ve arrived more at acceptance of it. It will make me feel less frustrated hopefully going forward.

ps she will never ever ever be invited to anything by me ever again.

I'm glad your DH sees it but it really is up to him to speak to his Mum and tell her to stop pissing on your parade at every opportunity and be happy for HIM that his marriage is mutually supportive. That she would get more time with him and the DC if she changed her attitude and stop being PA and spiteful toward you.

I totally agree with this.

My MIL was sneaky with her mean words and behaviours. I spent years being nice. I wanted to be a good DIL, kind and thoughtful. I was always being humble and apologetic for things that I didn't need to apologise for. Her mean spirit wore me down and in later years I took care to remain polite but cool, distant and disinterested. I think it irritated her that I didn't 'bite' - she was looking to argue.

I look back and regret not standing up for myself a bit sooner. Maybe I should've argued back or called her out on her mean words, I dunno. I was raised to be polite but I don't know that it did me any good.

Glad to hear your DH sees it too.

She is snide and there’s no point trying to like her. Distant but civil is the only way to go. It didn’t have to be that way, but she made it so.

I really wouldn’t force anything that isn’t there. I despise my MIL, but I’m always pleasant and we get along because I bite my tongue. She has never once babysat so I don’t feel I owe her anything. But you need yours, so I would just keep the peace, ignore her bitchy little comments, she sounds jealous of you and your success and attributes it to her DS (and thus her). Grin and bear it, think of the long game and slag her off to your Mum and mates, don’t try and bust a bollock being best mates with her, it’ll never happen.

If this was out of character for your mil, are you sure she wasn’t just leaving you alone to protect your privacy, or perhaps your dh had told her to allow you to rest, or maybe she thought looking after the dc was doing her bit, or some people have anxiety around vomit, or maybe she was wary of catching the bug herself?

There could be any number of reasons for her actions; I am interested to know why your first assumption is that she was behaving out of malice?