Uninvolved Grandparents

[DeeDee3210]

Hello everybody,

please be gentle as I have been feeling quite low and sick about this and it has been affecting my wellbeing so I am reaching out for support and advice.

My parents live 5 mins drive away, but since my children were born, they never seem to want to spend time with them. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old.

my dad did for a short period come for an hour every Friday morning just to play with my firstborn. But then it stopped suddenly. I found out my sister made a comment (she lives in London and has one son same age as mine) that she feels like she misses out so my mum told my dad to stop coming to mine. My sister gets a lot of support from her in-laws to this day - they practically live together and go on holiday together and her in laws send food to them all the time and they take my nephew for days etc, yet my sister had the cheek to make that comment knowing that my mum would stop spending time with us. Despite my sister having more than enough support and I have none. I know my sister is selfish as she always has been from when she was young, but what I didn’t expect was my parents to allow her selfishness to modify their behaviour. I always naively believed parents will always do good.

knowing this, I have never asked my parents to look after my children unless it was an emergency, eg when I went into labour with second child, and even then they stayed for the day I was in hospital.

my son had his first play which was an hour long one evening and they didn’t come. I was so hurt. This was last year. My other son was a newborn at the time.

Another time I asked if they wanted to come to the local theatre (10 mins drive away and 50min show) with me and my son (I literally was going to take them in the car as it’s next to us with plenty of parking so 2 mins walk from parking to theatre). I got told they get too tired for that. Yet not long after that, my sister asked them to go to London theatre to see Frozen with them and my nephew and so they drive late at night to go there, train and tube it to get to the theatre, watch the show for hours and then stay over and drive back early hours to make most of the weekend with them . But yet they don’t get tired then.

they work term time , with my dad three days a week term time only, so during holidays they spend time it there. Not teaching children, they work in adult education, my mum in a library and my dad part time lecturer to adults.

There are worse examples of what they have done in comparison but I will have to write a few more pages if I carry on but I’m hoping it gives an idea

I am not asking for babysitting or anything like that. We have never asked for that. I am happy to look after my children even if my parents spent time with us, but they just refuse to do that. When we take them to visit them, me and my husband look after them anyway.

I have asked them come out for a walk, or a show or dinner or movie or simply when they go for a regular drive in their new 4 x 4 why not take my elder one at the same time? He gets SO excited to see them and is just so happy to talk to them. but they have never done this.

my son attends paid language lessons at another lady’s house and she recently changed the timings so now it’s too late for him to attend on a school night. The local centres won’t take him as it’s only from 6 years upwards. My mum is certified in this language so I asked her would she able to spare one hour a week term time to teach him as I am at loss where to send him now and he is enjoying learning. I even said weekdays and term times so as not to commit them during weekends and school holidays as they stay with my sister then . My mum said no

I know I expected her to say no, yet I still feel really hurt and down, to the extent my stomach is in tight knots and I feel sick. I think it’s because it’s clear they are not wanting to spend time with my children.

just to add, my children are well behaved ( so far), no tantrums or anything like that and loving towards everyone, they get so happy spending time with them. So it’s not because of how the children are that they won’t spend time with them.

I know I shouldn’t compare but it breaks my heart that they spend more with my sister and nephew and BIL than they do us despite being 3 hours away compared to 5 mins from us. I’m not expecting them to spend more time with us just because we are near, just spend SOME time with us.

Even when I see how much other grandparents are involved with their grandchildren my heart aches so badly inside.

i just need some advice how I can stop feeling so down about this as it’s got to a stage where my pain inside about this is causing physical pain now and mentally I’m struggling with it too.

thank you in advance everyone

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It seems harsh.

Have you talked with them about this? Asked them outright? They might be completely unaware of how it looks.

Tell then outright how you feel.

use examples. They might be trying to compensate because your sister is far away. They might just be oblivious.

it might backfire but it’s better to be without them rather than feeling second best.

You say you take your dcs to see your parents. Maybe they feel that they already see your dcs enough. The other difference is you have two children, which perhaps they find harder work.

Your sister lives a long way so visiting London might be a treat for them.

I think you need to let it go. Or ask them outright. But stop worrying about it. And don't resent your sister because she has a different life.

The most important thing you can do to feel better is unfollow them and your sister on social media (assuming that’s how you know what they do when with your sister). If you don’t know what they do, you won’t be hurt by it.

I would talk to your parents, be honest about how you feel. What they do with that information is up to them. If they aren’t interested focus on the grand parents that are interested. I hope it works out xx

My MIL lives a few streets over and makes no effort. She let us down many times, never messages but claims to be caring DGM. She puts great effort with her daughters kids, same age as mine who live half an hour away, and she doesn't drive!

I have been though the upset. Through RAGE. It hurts.

Remember : it's not personal to your kids.
You will do your best for them. You will protect them and give them the family love that you want them to know.

My kids aren't old enough to have noticed yet, I will have to face that when it happens.
We've had to accept that DH's mother is not there for him (us). If you think your parents would change then speak to them. If not then unfortunately it's for you to come to terms with.

Hey OP,

It's really tough. I have the same issue with my MIL - although she was the same with my SILs kids which makes me feel a bit better. The worst of it is, she pretends to be the world's most doting grandparent/mum yet never makes contact, guilty us (and the kids) for not going round and slags us off to all her friends and neighbours about what shit family we are. Thankfully, my DH is on the same page as me and doesn't pander to her BS.

if this were my parents, I would call them out on it. If you can't do this face to face, then write them a letter or email. They will have built a narrative in their head about the situation and I'm sure will disagree with your thoughts, however, it needs saying. They will then either be apologetic and step up, or will retract further from your life - either way, at least they will know how you feel.

The language thing got me the most- why wouldn't she want to teach her grandchild?

Awful. Could you say calmly everything in your post then walk away and let them reflect?

We had similar with Dh parents but not as bad as they were always abit odd and they live far away. But the weak excuses not to see us and massively letting us down the one time we really needed them is hard to forget

All you can do is try not to care. You can’t control how other adults behave. You reap what you sow though mine are teens now and one in particular is dismissive and cold to ILs as “they never bothered with us” whilst both adore my parents who made the effort.

I'd have a very frank and non emotional conversation with them in your own and just explain how you feel. Without expectations or asks just be clear.

I think you need to know where you stand and why otherwise you are going to keep going over it.

You need to speak with them and if they don't want to be part of your children life let them go a be really low contact or no contact with all of them and tell them why you are going to do it.

Thank you everyone for your replies I really appreciate them as I am at a loss. I am so tired of feeling like this.

To answer some of the questions:

• I tried talking to them and writing to them in the past calmly, but they got VERY angry and said my children are lucky to even get 10 mins of them seeing my children

• it hasn’t just been since my second one, they have done it since my sister made that comment. And if I don’t take my children to see them even for half an hour my children will probably never get to see them as they won’t come or ask us to come. And I don’t take them every week, it’s like once a month if that.

• just another example is when my second one was 6 weeks we had a close cousins wedding which involved like 5 events (I couldn’t make all the events). My parents directly told me in advance (I didn’t ask for help) that they will not be helping us as they will be busy themselves and not to even bring my eldest around because of this. I found out by chance that later on my sister had dropped her son at my parents who stayed with them alone and then my sister and BIL came to the later events. So they were not too busy to look after my nephew but were to look after my son (they are the same age , two months between them) . And the way I found out was I went to drop a hair clip for my mum to wear at the wedding from the door and then I heard my nephews voice inside.

• it’s hard not to dislike my sister as she purposely made those comments as she knew they would step back from us. Despite her having a massive support network which includes babysitting for a week so they can go on holiday, she still had to make comments. I am fine about her having all the support, but what I am not fine with is that my parents do not spend any time at all with my children unless i take them and even then its not all the time. And never in school holidays as they are either “busy sorting” or at my sisters. And for them to say oh yes let’s take my grandson to the park or home with them or even for a drive it just doesn’t happen.

My husband says I should have no expectations and I know he is right, but it still hurts so badly. I understand I can’t control or force people to spend time with my child/children, but it still hurts that they choose not to with us, but will with others.

I think emotionally I need to detach but it’s so hard.

I think I would be able to stop speaking to them, stop taking my kids to see them etc however it’s not fair on my kids?

It’s wearing me down.

I am sorry to those that are also in a similar situation. It’s hard isn’t it x

It’s also not fair on your kids to pick up on them not wanting to see them. As they get older they will understand and it will hurt a lot!
better to cut it off now than when they are 7 and 11 and heartbroken that their grandparents don’t want to see them

Children don’t need grandparents, lots of kids don’t have any living grandparents and turn out completely fine. If you have an involved and caring grandparent that’s a beautiful thing to treasure but there is no added benefit of forging a relationship with a non-involved grandparent who makes no effort.

"my dad did for a short period come for an hour every Friday morning just to play with my firstborn. But then it stopped suddenly".

Dreadful behaviour from both your mum, sister and dad.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and in your family you appear to be the scapegoat. Therefore sadly your kids get scapegoated too.
I would imagine that your mother and your sister are very much one and the same; both are selfish to an extreme and carbon copies of one another. I would keep my distance from them all going forward.

I know how you feel; my parents were not really interested in spending any undue amount of time with their (as it turns out their only) grandchild either. Its their loss ultimately but I think they do not see it as such.

Its all very well your H suggesting you have no expectations but then you never had any expectations re them to begin with. If his parents are nice, and importantly emotionally healthy, then I would concentrate on them. As Sconehenge writes there is indeed no added benefit of forging a relationship with a non-involved grandparent who makes no effort.

PLEASE tell me you confronted her about their big theatre hypocrisy???? That needs to be called out, how utterly unfair.

After which I would honestly just cut them off. Go completely no contact, otherwise your kids will grow up seeing the favouritism and will think it's something they did wrong - no matter what you say or what reassurance you give them to the contrary

I don't think it's fair on your kids to see that they're second best. You're not depriving them of any GP of merit.

I would go LC/NC with your parents, perhaps having written to them for a final time to explain why. Then they can never say that they don't understand why.

Can see why its so hurtful op god thats awful. My mam never helped out but that was with all of us. It was hard. I dont know it sounds like it wont change.. we got a local babysitter as would never get out otherwise. Feel for you

How hurtful OP. The obvious difference in attention is unfair. Of course you are disappointed. You've tried talking to them. I'd suggest you think about leaving the ball in their court.

Any chance your sister has always been their golden child? In my experience, parents with golden children usually have golden grandchildren so, in the end, you may be better off with your children escaping that dynamic between themselves.

You had tried them to be more involved with their grandchildren if they are rude to you as they had been and they don't want involvement is their lost.

They will at some point asking to visit when they are bigger by that time neither of them will bother, nor you will.

It is a very sad situation but unfortunately you can't change their mind.

To be honest, I would say that just going no contact with parents and sister would be better for your state of mind! They do not have any inclination to want to bother seeing either you or your children. dont waste your time trying to flog a dead horse. I went no contact with my mum after always being ignored over preferential treatment of older sister. Whenever I went no contact a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I finally learned to relax. I would not even inform them of your decision either!! Do your in laws live close by? do you see them at all?

I've had this. It really hurts. I've tried calling out my mum about it, but then it just blows up into WW3. I have to accept that she and my dad will not be the grandparents I'd hoped they would. My kids are older now and not particularly close to GPS not surprisingly, but they are happy and well adjusted and we're probably a stronger family unit due to having so little help or involvement from GPS (on both sides incidentally). The real kicker is how my mum has done everything from my niece (younger), has her overnight every week, arranges holidays with her and other family members, leaving us out, takes her to the theatre, all her online avatars are of niece - my son who is generally not bothered by it all, did notice this, but just laughed it off. It has been very painful however, but in the end I decided to ensure there was was some semblance of a relationship between kids and gps, by inviting ourselves very occasionally to theirs and inviting them to ours and even taking them on holiday (for little thanks and they still ignore the kids pretty much)- if I didn't do this the children would have barely met the GPS. I don't understand any of it. My mum has issues, is possibly emotionally immature or narcissistic, and my dad is definitely narcissistic. I accept that they are flawed individuals and probably do love us in some way despite the lack of interest! I very nearly went NC 15 years ago after some particularly toxic behaviour from mother and sister, but changed my mind. It would have probably saved me some heartache and rage, but I feel my children have had some good memories of GPS now so probably better i didn't. You have to learn to keep it light, avoid getting angry at GPS or vent in front of kids, don't expect anything and then you can't be disappointed. They are losing out, ultimately, and I actually feel a little sorry for them. It's hard though, I think I'm coping and then my mum still finds ways to punch me emotionally in the guts from time to time with her behaviour. It doesn't matter how gently I try to raise the issue, it would always turn into a blazing row or she will ignore us for months or a year. If GPS are this way, they're generally not going to change or own it unfortunately. You have to decide whether you can live with it and how to do this.

This is really horrible for you.

You've clearly tried hard. I'd stop bothering with them then go and get some counselling to help you recover and work through your feelings.

I've had difficulties with my mum (not as bad as yours, though) for decades, and the pain never really goes away. I've stopped caring so much now my children are adults -- she has next to no relationship with them though.

I hope you tell them to sod off if they ever ask you for a favour!

When you can't change something OP, all you can do is accept. Abandon all thoughts that this will ever be different, and don't allow hope to triumph over experience.
Grieve for the parents you wanted, and come to terms with the ones you have.
Then make some decisions about the level of relationship you're prepared to have with them. A relationship where you feel you have some control and where you prioritise protecting yourself from hurt. If that means the odd phone call only, a monthly coffee, or nothing at all, so be it.
Meanwhile focus on and develop the positive relationships in your life. Fill yours and your DCs world with friends and other people who care for you.

Go low contact with your parents and stop giving them space in your head. Sadly they don’t want a relationship with you or your children. Trying to force it will only bring you and your children more heartache. You and your husband are more than enough for your kids. Take control of the situation by putting a boundary up to their rejection and not asking for what you know you are already refused. Your kids will be absolutely fine OP

That's dreadful. They said your kids are lucky to see them for 10 minutes? I'd cut off contact, I'd be fuming at all of this. I really feel for you. There's no need for them to behave like this.