Uninvolved Grandparents

[DeeDee3210]

Hello everybody,

please be gentle as I have been feeling quite low and sick about this and it has been affecting my wellbeing so I am reaching out for support and advice.

My parents live 5 mins drive away, but since my children were born, they never seem to want to spend time with them. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old.

my dad did for a short period come for an hour every Friday morning just to play with my firstborn. But then it stopped suddenly. I found out my sister made a comment (she lives in London and has one son same age as mine) that she feels like she misses out so my mum told my dad to stop coming to mine. My sister gets a lot of support from her in-laws to this day - they practically live together and go on holiday together and her in laws send food to them all the time and they take my nephew for days etc, yet my sister had the cheek to make that comment knowing that my mum would stop spending time with us. Despite my sister having more than enough support and I have none. I know my sister is selfish as she always has been from when she was young, but what I didn’t expect was my parents to allow her selfishness to modify their behaviour. I always naively believed parents will always do good.

knowing this, I have never asked my parents to look after my children unless it was an emergency, eg when I went into labour with second child, and even then they stayed for the day I was in hospital.

my son had his first play which was an hour long one evening and they didn’t come. I was so hurt. This was last year. My other son was a newborn at the time.

Another time I asked if they wanted to come to the local theatre (10 mins drive away and 50min show) with me and my son (I literally was going to take them in the car as it’s next to us with plenty of parking so 2 mins walk from parking to theatre). I got told they get too tired for that. Yet not long after that, my sister asked them to go to London theatre to see Frozen with them and my nephew and so they drive late at night to go there, train and tube it to get to the theatre, watch the show for hours and then stay over and drive back early hours to make most of the weekend with them . But yet they don’t get tired then.

they work term time , with my dad three days a week term time only, so during holidays they spend time it there. Not teaching children, they work in adult education, my mum in a library and my dad part time lecturer to adults.

There are worse examples of what they have done in comparison but I will have to write a few more pages if I carry on but I’m hoping it gives an idea

I am not asking for babysitting or anything like that. We have never asked for that. I am happy to look after my children even if my parents spent time with us, but they just refuse to do that. When we take them to visit them, me and my husband look after them anyway.

I have asked them come out for a walk, or a show or dinner or movie or simply when they go for a regular drive in their new 4 x 4 why not take my elder one at the same time? He gets SO excited to see them and is just so happy to talk to them. but they have never done this.

my son attends paid language lessons at another lady’s house and she recently changed the timings so now it’s too late for him to attend on a school night. The local centres won’t take him as it’s only from 6 years upwards. My mum is certified in this language so I asked her would she able to spare one hour a week term time to teach him as I am at loss where to send him now and he is enjoying learning. I even said weekdays and term times so as not to commit them during weekends and school holidays as they stay with my sister then . My mum said no

I know I expected her to say no, yet I still feel really hurt and down, to the extent my stomach is in tight knots and I feel sick. I think it’s because it’s clear they are not wanting to spend time with my children.

just to add, my children are well behaved ( so far), no tantrums or anything like that and loving towards everyone, they get so happy spending time with them. So it’s not because of how the children are that they won’t spend time with them.

I know I shouldn’t compare but it breaks my heart that they spend more with my sister and nephew and BIL than they do us despite being 3 hours away compared to 5 mins from us. I’m not expecting them to spend more time with us just because we are near, just spend SOME time with us.

Even when I see how much other grandparents are involved with their grandchildren my heart aches so badly inside.

i just need some advice how I can stop feeling so down about this as it’s got to a stage where my pain inside about this is causing physical pain now and mentally I’m struggling with it too.

thank you in advance everyone

I think the biggest problem here is that your parents are displaying such blatant favouritism towards your sister and her children.

My parents were not involved grandparents, but at least they were consistently uninvolved for both my sister and I. They lived quite some distance from either of us and visits (which were nice, and went well) were about a couple of times a year to each of us, and us to them. So it wasn't no contact, but we didn't see lots of each other. The kids are all now grown up and weren't harmed by it - just the occasional comment about not knowing them well.

In your shoes I would cut contact with them down to the bare minimum. If they ask why then tell them bluntly and don't accept their anger if they react that way. You are no longer a child and don't have to take their bullshit anymore.

I’m so sorry OP. Your parents & sister all sound dreadful. It’s not going to get better, and I would strongly recommend putting all of your efforts into starting a new life without them. Can you move away somewhere new? Being 5 minutes away isn’t going to help

@kittenseverywhere has it spot on - your sister appears to be the golden child @DeeDee3210 , therefore her kids are a continuation of that. Pop across to the Stately Homes threads and see if anything rings a bell there. Counselling might also be a good idea for you. It's worth asking yourself why you feel compelled to keep going back for more abuse (and it IS abuse - emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse). Take care and take a step back to protect your own mental health, and that of your kids. I've been there (not with parents but with another family member, and felt SO much better when I finally faced up to the fact they'd never be how I wanted them to be) 💐

I feel every sorry for you OP; as another poster has said it sounds like your sister is the golden child. It’s seems bizarre that your sister has such control over your parents that your Dad no longer visits for just an hour a week!

I wouldn’t be able to cope in this situation and would definitely go NC with both parents and sister, having let them all know very clearly and calmly why I was taking that action. If you can afford it I would then seek counselling to help you get back in control of your life as it’s making you so unwell both physically and mentally.

Funnily enough, and rightly or wrongly, I can understand your Mum not wanting to teach your DC a language on a regular basis, especially if she’s still working. It’s not always easy to teach family members and I wouldn’t want to commit to it. (I do masses of childcare btw so this may seem odd). However, with grandchildren myself, I simply cannot understand any GP who doesn’t want to just come and be with their grandchildren in order to develop a loving relationship with them.

Good luck OP, I genuinely feel for your predicament and hope you can get your life back on track.

One thing stands out. You have 2 dc and dsis has 1 is that right? Maybe that's the issue. Dsis is jealous.

I felt so sad reading this.
I would show them this post as some people need to objectively see the facts written in black and white.
Maybe like others have suggested they just don't realise.

@DeeDee3210

I think I would be able to stop speaking to them, stop taking my kids to see them etc however it’s not fair on my kids?

OP it's not fair to try and shoehorn your children into a relationship which, clearly your parents don't want, however unfair it it is of them. Your husband is right - lower your expectations to rock bottom. As a previous poster said your children don't need grandparents, especially grandparents like these.

Protect your children and yourself from these people. 🌹

So sorry OP.

Agree with the other posters re scapegoat and golden child dynamic.

You can’t change people’s behaviour,only the way you react to it.
It is hugely upsetting when you’re treated the way you are by somebody who’s supposed to be your immediate family. The way they treat you (both your parents and your sister) is unfair but you can’t change it. It’s their choice, you can make yours- try to reason with them and beg for crumbs of attention or walk away and build your own support network.

Drop the rope so to speak and let your parents contact you (might not happen very soon). This will give you the time as somebody said to grieve for the relationship you wanted to have with your family.

We went NC with PIL’s for exactly the same reason. They were outraged we didn’t have time for them anymore despite them treating DH like shit (and our DC by extension)while his sibling and step siblings had all their time.
Heard on the grapevine they are getting old and frail. Hope their golden DC and DGC are there for them. Still remember trying to explain to 3yo excited DC why his grandparents cancelled visit on his birthday ( the golden DGD “needed” a trip to the theatre and sleepover) Hurt like hell.

Wishing you all the best 💐

Oh,we have brilliant family now. Consists of our friends who actually want to spend their time with us. Win-win. No stupid games,love and appreciation on both sides.

Firstly I just like to say thank you to all for taking the time to help me. I am able to speak to my husband freely about it but I know it weighs him down too. Outside my husband I can’t talk to anyone about it so I genuinely appreciate the replies. It makes me so frustrated that they still think they have not done anything wrong and think they have treated my children and my nephew equally. Even with the theatre and wedding example (and much worse examples too!) they still think they haven’t treated us unfairly. If I bring it up calmly dad gets majorly angry and shouts at us, even with my kids there.

Secondly sorry for my long replies, I am hoping to cover everyone’s questions and comments so forgive me if I miss any out.

I am the eldest, and my mum has always had a soft spot for my sister. However it didn’t bother me so much then because I just thought at the end of the day she is my mum so bottom line is she loves us equally. I even thought she wouldn’t treat my future children differently but obviously she has done now and I think that has been a shock to my system.

The worry for me with going NC with my parents is that my eldest child loves them so much and always asking can they do this with him and that with him. This is why I feel sorry for my DS as he is so innocent at this age and he has unconditional love towards them, and even my sister and nephew.

The next worry I have is my sister has already said she has enough support from her in laws family (including her BIL and SIL and nephews in laws side) that she doesn’t need a relationship with us. That’s the thanks I get for looking out for her all these years, involving her even when she was kid in everything I did and spent literally thousands on her and I never asked nor got anything in return. And that she would happily have my nephew not have a relationship with my boys. Even though she knows how much my DC loves my nephew.

My dad wasn’t like this before, but when the Friday visits stopped nearly 4 years ago he too now takes my sisters side always. He also doesn’t see the hypocrisy. I truly believe my mum has made him think this. He too use to tell me that my sister and BIL are selfish as they used to spend all their time with her in laws and not enough time with my parents. So I have no idea what has happened and how much he has flipped over.

We actually were going to move away nearly 2 years ago to distance ourselves from them and my DH got a job 3 hours away from here which I was really excited about. They were happy for him to WFH whilst we found a place. We then found out I was pregnant (I was told I wouldn’t able to have kids naturally so it was a lovely surprise) , however it was a difficult pregnancy and I couldn’t risk moving during that time . We asked if we could delay moving until after the birth but unfortunately their HR said no so my DH left that job and we are still here. And now with the house prices and I’m not working with no benefits either , we cannot move at the moment. When I go back to work, we are hoping to move away from here as mentally the distance from them would do us good. However it is sad in a way too that we would have to leave our home because of them.

My in-laws do enjoy us visiting them but they are 3 hours away and also their health isn’t the best but we visit when we can. My MIL has some mental health issues so it can be hit and miss how she is towards us.

I wanted to go counselling since about 4 years but affordability is an issue for us. And I feel i would have to make a choice financially to spend on me and then having to sacrifice something for my children and I cannot do that .

I think once I know whether I should have NC or some contact, I need some coping mechanisms on how to handle not being emotionally affected by this all.

I am so grateful to you guy’s honestly and for the over whelming response and support.

I hope I managed to cover everything based on your replies.

Thank you so much.

That's sounds hard, I'm sorry but I don't think there is much you can do.
Ultimately they are the ones missing out on a relationship with their grandchildren.
Perhaps just stop trying to engage them and then you won't be disappointed. Leave them to contact you.

I think you need to manage your child's expectations too. The last thing you'll want is for history to repeat itself and for your DC to be constantly disappointed that his feelings are not returned. Personally I'd be weaning him off his attachment to them while he's still young enough to adapt. Don't let him get locked into the same cycle of hope and being let down that you are.

There may be a local counselling service where you only pay what you can afford so worth looking into that.

Also check out self-help books on Amazon (CBT, parental rejection, etc). This can all help but you are on a very painful road and there are no easy, quick or complete fixes.

I think something underhand has gone on (involving your sister) that you don't know about. It's all very unpleasant and very sad for you and your children. I hope you can start to move to a better place with this x

OP, kids will forget eventually. It’s better to have absent grandparent than seeing the cousin being showered with lavish gifts and attention when your kids don’t even get a look in.

”grandma’s busy” „grandpa couldn’t come” is much better than the child expecting to see their GP and be disappointed.

No point in any confrontation. Speaking from experience there was lot of excuses,blatant lies and denial.

Back off and process your feelings.

All the best 💐

I started a reply but had to delete it. It caused me to get very upset because my mother would not have anything to do with my little ones ever.

I went NC. Best thing I ever did really.

"The worry for me with going NC with my parents is that my eldest child loves them so much and always asking can they do this with him and that with him".

Is he really doing this given your parents have hardly ever seen either of your kids here?

You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your children that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make.

Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt. Kids tend to accept what is.

Do not operate from a fearful mindset. Don't be afraid of your children's possible, or actual, reactions. Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding. You are escaping the Mob Family.

I think everyone else has covered it. But I am really sorry. I think no contact is the only way

You will never change this golden child mindset. And your children will pick up on being second best.

Your son will soon forget. He's young. Busy him with other people and friends and play dates.

Their reaction says it all. You can't reason with them.

It’s best to stop contact now while they are little and won’t notice will be worse when they notice at age 10 or puck up on rude comments towards you. Mine have done the same to me and I have the only grandchildren I can’t really comprehend it sending love and make sure you provide all the love and support that they can’t x

Your father shouts at you in front of your kids? They tell you you’re lucky they’re around your kids for ten minutes? Stop inflicting these people on your kids.

Speaking as a pretty involved grandparent I second every word

They have to want to be involved and if they're that easily swayed by your sister then they aren't worth having.

Distance yourself (permanently) It'll save a lot of pain in the long run

Hello everyone,

thank you again for your replies.

Family has always been important to me, even when I was a child.

unfortunately this has been taken for granted by them, that I will just carry on despite how they have made me feel, and believe me they have made me feel so bad it aches and has taken my breath away in both anger and sadness.

they have told me I am selfish to want time from them for my children. This really got to me. They said 10 minutes is better than nothing.

my husband will not let me stop contact with them as he feels we would be wrong to stop
them seeing our children. I did say they don’t see them anyway so what difference does it make. My DH said even the smallest amount of time my DS sees them creates such joy for my DS that we should not take that away .

I have decided to take a step back. I’m not going to go over there, if my DH wants to take the children over he can. Il keep it civil but I’m stepping back definitely.

Write them a nice letter outlining this OP if its difficult to talk to them.
I adore my grandkids and would be over the moon if my daughter went above and beyond like you have .theatre? Yes! School play? Yes!!! All of it? Yes!.
Id write a letter OP XX

Btw 10 minutes is not enough OP. Kids need extended family, to know theyre special and loved. Id still write a letter as last ditch attempt.

I can't agree with your husband insisting you keep people who are hurting you in your life. These are your parents, right? Shouldn't it be your choice? You have to deal with hurt and pain because of some ideal?

Your son may get brief joy now but what when he is older? When he can see the difference and experience his own rejection from them? Will this really be good for your son to experience? Is that really in his best interests?

Would totally go NC over this to be honest

"my husband will not let me stop contact with them as he feels we would be wrong to stop them seeing our children. I did say they don’t see them anyway so what difference does it make. My DH said even the smallest amount of time my DS sees them creates such joy for my DS that we should not take that away".

Your H is wrong, end of. What is all this too about him not letting you stop contact with your parents; he is neither your judge nor jailer here. He needs to realise that not all relatives are nice and kind let alone safe to be at all around and he actively wants to subject his most precious of resources, his children, to your parents. Your parents have stated 10 minutes as well, is your H really going to bend over and accept that for his children?. If he wants to see your parents then he can go on his own.

Do not for your own part allow him to subject your children to them out of his feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, wanting to avoid conflict or wanting to people please. He cannot handle conflict at all can he?. He certainly cannot take the children to your parents whilst you are elsewhere either; that also sends the kids mixed messages.

A letter, no matter how carefully worded, could well be seen as a personal attack on them, and they will act accordingly.