Uninvolved Grandparents

[DeeDee3210]

Hello everybody,

please be gentle as I have been feeling quite low and sick about this and it has been affecting my wellbeing so I am reaching out for support and advice.

My parents live 5 mins drive away, but since my children were born, they never seem to want to spend time with them. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old.

my dad did for a short period come for an hour every Friday morning just to play with my firstborn. But then it stopped suddenly. I found out my sister made a comment (she lives in London and has one son same age as mine) that she feels like she misses out so my mum told my dad to stop coming to mine. My sister gets a lot of support from her in-laws to this day - they practically live together and go on holiday together and her in laws send food to them all the time and they take my nephew for days etc, yet my sister had the cheek to make that comment knowing that my mum would stop spending time with us. Despite my sister having more than enough support and I have none. I know my sister is selfish as she always has been from when she was young, but what I didn’t expect was my parents to allow her selfishness to modify their behaviour. I always naively believed parents will always do good.

knowing this, I have never asked my parents to look after my children unless it was an emergency, eg when I went into labour with second child, and even then they stayed for the day I was in hospital.

my son had his first play which was an hour long one evening and they didn’t come. I was so hurt. This was last year. My other son was a newborn at the time.

Another time I asked if they wanted to come to the local theatre (10 mins drive away and 50min show) with me and my son (I literally was going to take them in the car as it’s next to us with plenty of parking so 2 mins walk from parking to theatre). I got told they get too tired for that. Yet not long after that, my sister asked them to go to London theatre to see Frozen with them and my nephew and so they drive late at night to go there, train and tube it to get to the theatre, watch the show for hours and then stay over and drive back early hours to make most of the weekend with them . But yet they don’t get tired then.

they work term time , with my dad three days a week term time only, so during holidays they spend time it there. Not teaching children, they work in adult education, my mum in a library and my dad part time lecturer to adults.

There are worse examples of what they have done in comparison but I will have to write a few more pages if I carry on but I’m hoping it gives an idea

I am not asking for babysitting or anything like that. We have never asked for that. I am happy to look after my children even if my parents spent time with us, but they just refuse to do that. When we take them to visit them, me and my husband look after them anyway.

I have asked them come out for a walk, or a show or dinner or movie or simply when they go for a regular drive in their new 4 x 4 why not take my elder one at the same time? He gets SO excited to see them and is just so happy to talk to them. but they have never done this.

my son attends paid language lessons at another lady’s house and she recently changed the timings so now it’s too late for him to attend on a school night. The local centres won’t take him as it’s only from 6 years upwards. My mum is certified in this language so I asked her would she able to spare one hour a week term time to teach him as I am at loss where to send him now and he is enjoying learning. I even said weekdays and term times so as not to commit them during weekends and school holidays as they stay with my sister then . My mum said no

I know I expected her to say no, yet I still feel really hurt and down, to the extent my stomach is in tight knots and I feel sick. I think it’s because it’s clear they are not wanting to spend time with my children.

just to add, my children are well behaved ( so far), no tantrums or anything like that and loving towards everyone, they get so happy spending time with them. So it’s not because of how the children are that they won’t spend time with them.

I know I shouldn’t compare but it breaks my heart that they spend more with my sister and nephew and BIL than they do us despite being 3 hours away compared to 5 mins from us. I’m not expecting them to spend more time with us just because we are near, just spend SOME time with us.

Even when I see how much other grandparents are involved with their grandchildren my heart aches so badly inside.

i just need some advice how I can stop feeling so down about this as it’s got to a stage where my pain inside about this is causing physical pain now and mentally I’m struggling with it too.

thank you in advance everyone

Tell your husband no

It's unacceptable for them to hurt you like this and unacceptable for them to treat the children like this family shouldn't be the reason you need counselling

"My husband won't let me." Think about this OP. Is there anything else he won't let you do or insists you must do that you don't want to?

You're a grown woman. He is telling you you are not allowed to choose to escape emotional harm. Why does he want this for you?

Why is your DH so adament about your kids seeing them just for 10 mins? They aren’t his parents. He has no right to make any kind of decisions here. If you want to drop contact you can.

I personally think that you need to have it out with your parents and give them the same ultimatum your sister did. Make it clear that your sister gets in laws support plus your DP and you have nobody - and that even them you’ll cut them off because it’s better for your kids to have no grandparents than half-hearted ones.

As for your DS you need to stop taking him to your DP so often. What you’re currently doing to him will only hurt him in the future.

Also when you cut them off, don’t go back on it. Do it completely and don’t see them (and don’t take your kids to see them) at all. Block your sister - neither you nor your kids need a relationship with her.

Just don't make the effort. If they don't put any effort on it let it fade. BTW ten minutes is ok every now an them when there is more time other days, ten minutes by default is utter rubbish.

Do you/ they think the kids will not notice than they have a kind of ten minutes schedule and the are only welcome for tinny amounts of time?

Kids are kids but not naive enough to no notice when and where they are/ aren't welcome.

The man 'won't let' you? Wtf

Yeah sorry op but this speaks volumes

He won't let you stop an abusive family relationship? He wants you to continue to be hurt? And also your Dc? (Because they will notice they are treated as a second class citizen. And probably sooner than you think)

I would drop this quietly. Any announcements of what you're doing and why will be met with anger as you've already seen.

You know they won't make the effort. So quietly fade out and stop putting the effort in too. Your Dc will soon forget if you busy them with everything else.

But it's your partner not supporting you I'm worried about.

Got to love a bit of nepotism.

My FIL makes the effort to fly to Australia to see his step grandchild but can't be arsed making an effort with his own grandchildren that live within an hours drive.

His loss.

Hello thank you for your replies.

apologies I think it was my poor choice of words saying my DH wouldn’t let me. I should have used he believes we shouldn’t. He says children bring joy and even when they want to see them, even if it is 10 mins here and there, then we should let them. My DH also gets upset over my parent’s behaviour. He says he doesn’t want me to regret any decision like this as it’s happened before when I went NC , I still went back to them. :(

my DH is so supportive and also knows how family is important to me.

but I can see that’s not fair on the children, or me and my DH tbh.

I need to be strong to be able to cut ties with them I think that’s what it comes down to it. It’s really hard as growing up I really loved them, they are my mum and dad. But since all of this happened, my love for them is disappearing. I feel so rubbish for even saying that.

I had this went to brothers girlfriends daughters dance show came to see us, as soon as she got through the door started to tell us how wonderful it all was. Both mine ( boy and girl) were in their first show on hearing this she tried to put theirs down ‘ oh no it’s not a proper show not like x) it was actually and in a proper theatre. When my son aged 7 asked her if she was going to come and watch him he got ‘ oh no how can I , I can’t possibly come and watch your show’ they can drive to see us when they chose but couldn’t book in for a matinee show with 4 months notice . His little face as he realised . They no longer speak to us I am relieved

"
• I tried talking to them and writing to them in the past calmly, but they got VERY angry and said my children are lucky to even get 10 mins of them seeing my children"

They've made it easy for you, OP.

Just stop bothering with them. Focus on your husband and kids and just leave them to it.

So sorry they are like this.

I've read your posts and really feel for you. You seem to be a very understanding individual, and composed yourself with dignity throughout all these years of them favouring your sister.

Are there any incidents in your childhood/ teenage years where your sister has been favoured over you?? You mention your mother having a "soft spot" for you sister, it's interesting you have picked up on this as it must have been obvious to you growing up.

Your parents are busy people with their own lives. But you only live 5 minutes from them! Surely they would spend more than "10 minutes" with their grandchildren?

I think you may need a professional to o help resolve any issues from the past and current resentment. That may help you understand and process the situation, and then you can continue your life however you choose.

It's sad that your parents get "angry" at their child for talking to them and conveying their sadness. Parents should support their children as much as possible. Imagine your child came to you... would you get angry and tell them "be happy with 10 minutes of my time". It's such a sad situation, and I think you have been too lenient and forgiving of three adults who are unbelievably selfish, and disregarding of your feelings.

Your husband seems like he an equally kind person. He is trying for your DC, but it's not about your children... it is about you, and i feel that your parents ultimately have a favourite child, and you and your family will always be second best.

Stay strong!

Thank you again for your replies.

I have decided to go LC with them with no emotion if and when I see them.

I need to keep an emotional barrier as it really has drained me for years.

thank you again everyone

I'm really sorry to hear of your family DeeDee. I've a similar situation but with parents who don't get on. They were particularly disagreeable during one visit and I called them out. As a result they walked out of the house and that was that. I was sent to Coventry!

You build your own family in the end. My heart goes out to you. It's their loss really and I've discovered that, ultimately, you can't change people. 💐

This is awful, I say this kindly but please get some backbone for your children's sake.
Of course your son enjoys seeing them for ten minutes, they are almost like a new toy that he knows is there but can only play with very briefly before it has to be put away again. It will be the excitement of something new rather than any attachment to them.
I have been NC with my parents for three years now, my kids were 10 and 13 the last time I spoke to them, they very rarely mention them now so little was there involvement in my kids lives.
Don't let fear of upsetting your children stop you from doing something that would benefit them in the long run.

There is something else going on here that has nothing to do with the grandchikdren. It has everything to do with yours and your sister’s relationship with your parents. Only you know what might have gone wrong in the past to precipitate this unequal behaviour. I suggest that you either get to the bottom of that or if it proves too difficult accept your parents for what they are however hurtful that might be. See them occasionally, update them on special events but other than that get on with your own life without them. They are missing out on something that could be beautiful and rewarding.

I'm so sorry you feel like this, I have 3 daughters and 7 grandchildren and I would be mortified if any of my daughters felt like you, devastated to be honest and I can see exactly why this is tearing you to pieces, my advice is to step back, it's time they stepped up, you're their child and they have grandchildren and as the old saying goes, absence makes the heart grow stronger and even if that doesn't work and I hate to say it, right now they are no loss but my belief is that no contact is the best way forward it might make them realise they have two daughters not just one living miles away and as hard as it might be nothing else has worked and you are the only one hurting. If any one of daughters felt like you and I hadn't realised I would hope they would tell me how they feel. Your story is actually heart breaking for me as a parent and grandparent, you need to protect yourself now sweetheart x

Hurtful op. Had it myself. My dd was 18 she made a big deal out of her card. I felt like saying just give nothing. LC is prob best. My kids not that close to her now. It did sting when I saw other gps helping out. Then they wonder why you dont visit. Sigh

Mine aren’t interested and mine are only grandchildren stopped once they started junior school my mum only wanted them when they were cute and cuddly and did what she wanted . My children
saw through them quite quickly and to be honest I think
its best for them. Although they did the same to me never managed to be interested in me but I grew up thinking it was my fault and had something wrong with me has caused me a lot of hurt x

And if I don’t take my children to see them even for half an hour my children will probably never get to see them as they won’t come or ask us to come. And I don’t take them every week, it’s like once a month if that

Do you specifically need an invite? As it stands you are choosing to only take them round once a month? Do you suggest going more frequently to theirs for visits (with you and/or DH looking after kids there of course), and they say no?

I sort of understand it from there point of view. If I had a child that lived 5mins drive away, I’d be expecting they brought the kids over to me (and look after them while there, not my job as been there, done that). I wouldn’t be keen on going over to yours and REALLY wouldn’t be keen on all this going out business, to parks or taking the kids out for a drive. Thats a very different situation to a child that is a long drive away where you HAVE to stay overnight and have do what they are doing. In my mind if my child who lived 5mins away couldn’t be bothered bringing the kids over to us to visit, then it was their choice not to facilitate that relationship, as rightly or wrongly, that would be my expectation in such a scenario because it would be possible for them to do. Obviously, if you have tried this (as opposed to wanting to just dump kids on them without you), and they have told you not to come then YANBU.

You need to be honest

Are you sure your ds is as well behaved as you think? My DM doesn't like to spend any time with her youngest dgc (and this is her golden child's dc!) because she hates their behaviour. He's nearly 5, but doesn't say please/thank you, tantrums about everything and she feels he needs "a good smack". They happily spend limited time with the other dgc. I keep telling her to be honest with my DB (who keeps suggesting days out, time together) but she doesn't want to. He could be writing a very similar post.

I had a similar problem as you but it was inlaws as own parents died when I was younger. Please try and go lc more for ur kids sake my dc never saw the favouritism which I'm so grateful for. It happened to me as a kid younger dc was clear favourite the feelings hurt and you will always wonder why. If u stay lc and ur parents don't visit just be honest tell your kids there busy and let it fizzle out. Your sister is a real bitch let her be the bitch she knows she's the favourite and she uses this against you. Please leave them to it the hurt gets less especially when you are not aware of it. Write them a letter say your grandchildren are obviously not important to you so we will save you the bother of rejecting us we will leave you be. Enjoy ur time with your favourite daughter. Bye.