Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bored of marriage but is the grass ever greener?

63 replies

GreenerGrass321 · 27/09/2023 00:22

I’ve been with DH for 10 years, and we have a DC (4) but I’m just so bored of the marriage. The older he gets (41) the more like a grumpy old man he becomes. He has always been a bit stubborn and set in his ways but it’s slowly getting worse. It doesn’t help that he WFH so doesn’t really have much of a life beyond work and our family, so he doesn’t really have anything to talk to me about. And has made it very obvious that he doesn’t care about things that have happened to me if they don’t concern him/DC. I just don’t feel valued, or appreciated, or seen. Most of the time it feels like we are co-parents, not in a relationship. I’ve tried telling him how I feel, but it either leads to him being more of a grump, or sometimes he will try and make an effort, but then things go back to how they were, because he is just a grumpy old man at his core, and don’t think that will change

I only work part time, so he pays more than me towards household bills and mortgage. He is a relatively good dad when he isn’t being a grump. So is it really
worth rocking the boat and changing life significantly for DC just because I’m bored!? I feel like I could do better, and deserve better, but it’s a big decision.

OP posts:
111111111a · 27/09/2023 00:31

'I feel like I could do better.' What do you mean? Might meet someone else? I would never leave a relationship assuming you can meet someone and someone 'better'. I would work on the issues or leave if being single is preferable to being in the marriage. You might meet someone but don't assume you will. Dating when you're single and child free is awful. I imagine it's even tougher as a mum in your 40s. You'll both have baggage and life stuff. Maybe you'll meet someone and be swinging from chandeliers.... who knows.

Whataretalkingabout · 27/09/2023 00:36

Spending alot of time together in the house certainly won't help your relationship. But do not believe that your DP should answer all your needs. Get out and do things without him. See friends, go to the gym, hobbies. Create your own life and learn to make yourself happy. Once you've done that you will know better what to do about your marriage.

Goodornot · 27/09/2023 00:43

I feel like I could do better, and deserve better, but it’s a big decision.

You'd need to find a man who is willing to build a life with a single mum who works part time and the financial burden that brings with it. All for a child who isn't his. It's unlikely you'll have men queuing up as dating is hard enough for the childfree.

Oh and your 4 year old will be split between 2 households on 50/50 contact.

It's your call but expect to stay single if you do leave.

Original poster
GreenerGrass321 · 27/09/2023 00:46

That’s exactly what I have been doing. I don’t work from home so get out of the house often. I go to the gym when DC is in nursery, and have evenings out with friends, as well as play dates with friends and DC. Even though he never says no (not that I am asking his permission to go out) but he will comment that I am out and he is not. I have suggested he find something to do outside the house or go out with friends, but he chooses not to. I feel like I’m order have a life, I have to do it outside the house away from him. Surely that isn’t a marriage?

OP posts:
111111111a · 27/09/2023 00:50

Different marriages are different. Lots of couples do lots of things separately and are happy. You're obviously not

HoneyBadgerMom · 27/09/2023 02:44

How old are you? (May I ask? You don't have to answer, I'm from the American South and it's VERY rude to ask a lady's age, but it's pertinent here)

Original poster
GreenerGrass321 · 27/09/2023 02:47

37

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 27/09/2023 02:55

You’ll be doubly bored when he’s decided he only wants to have dc EOW so you are default parent and stuck with dc 85% of the time, house bound and alone every evening with no one to watch dc while you pop to your hobby/meet friends, that you you be able to afford to do even if you had childcare.
Friends say they come to yours, they don’t, they stop inviting you to couples things probably in case you steal their husbands 😂.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 27/09/2023 02:56

Mmmmm. I would say from my observation of people that have done it. Usually for more cause than just boredom that it isn’t worth it. If he were utterly awful and you were utterly miserable then yeah divorce but sounds like he is just stuck in a rut.

Splitting a family and requiring two homes is always a burden so you will both be worse off financially, as will your child be ultimately.

Disappointedsofa · 27/09/2023 02:56

It sounds like you've fallen out of love with him, how long have you been feeling like this?
I left my husband at 40 and also have a young child, I had been unhappy for a couple of years prior to that and had been in that awful limbo where I didn't know what to do.
I did leave and am glad that I did, however I do sometimes get the odd pang of regret or guilt.
I have a FWB but haven't met anyone who wants an actual relationship with me. I have been doing online dating and it's so much harder to find someone now than it was 10 years ago when I was younger and child free.
I left as I was miserable and knew I would be much happier alone so I didn't leave to meet someone else. I didn't actually go on a date with anyone until a year after I left.
I also didn't want to do couples counseling as I had completely checked out by that stage and was done.
i would only leave if I knew I was utterly miserable and didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that, and that I would be happier on my own.

Lucious1000 · 27/09/2023 07:32

The grass might be greener but it's still as difficult to cut.

It's tricky, because you only have one life and it should be enjoyed, even if single with a child.

Would he split 50/50 some men don't. Have you thought how you'd survive on your own.

Talk couples therapy, talk divorce, talk about how you want to stay with him but you are unhappy.

I was going to suggest build your own life, but you're doing that and still unhappy.

It's miserable being with someone when you're miserable. Before throwing in the towel see if some permanent change can be made, see if he wants to do something to make any changes.

I'm quite happy separated, 50/50 kids. It's hard but I love my own space, no dramas, I just take care of my kids and me and do whatever I please. Living with someone is not for me for the foreseeable future and I don't need a step mum

PerfectMatch · 27/09/2023 07:53

It's tricky OP. Marriage isn't meant to be miserable and you do deserve to be happy, but you may find being divorced isn't that great either. Either he'll have your DC 50/50 and hence won't have to pay maintenance so you'll be much worse off financially and will miss your DC, or he'll only have your DC for a few days a month in which case you'll still be worse off financially and will struggle to have the social life you have now as no one to mind the DC. You may or may not meet someone. If you do they may have kids of their own and being a step mum is hard.

In your position I think I'd go back to work full time and get myself in a better financial position before considering leaving.

minieggsandmaltesers · 27/09/2023 07:55

It depends how you define grass is greener.
If you mean being rid of your husband then maybe.
If you mean so you can meet someone else in your 40s then forget it.
If you are younger than your husband and in your 30s then maybe.
Seriously there are no decent guys out there who want to date women in their 40s and 50s unless you want to date a much older man.
If you're happy alone and would be happier without him then yes grass may be greener, but don't do it thinking you'll magically find a new chap as the chances are very small.

Deargodletitgo · 27/09/2023 07:56

Life is short and if you stay you could have 50 more years of this, as he gets grumpier and grumpier. At 50 you'll tell yourself you are too old to leave and wish you had done it now.

Deargodletitgo · 27/09/2023 07:57

Life is short and if you stay you could have 50 more years of this, as he gets grumpier and grumpier. At 50 you'll tell yourself you are too old to leave and wish you had done it now.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2023 07:57

Yes. Much greener single.

Deargodletitgo · 27/09/2023 07:59

Sorry for the double post

I say this as someone who left a marriage at 46. I left thinking I may be single for life, was still worth leaving to be a 50 50 coparent.

Spoiler - I'm not, and I have two younger children.

Namechangeforthisone2023 · 27/09/2023 08:03

HippeePrincess · 27/09/2023 02:55

You’ll be doubly bored when he’s decided he only wants to have dc EOW so you are default parent and stuck with dc 85% of the time, house bound and alone every evening with no one to watch dc while you pop to your hobby/meet friends, that you you be able to afford to do even if you had childcare.
Friends say they come to yours, they don’t, they stop inviting you to couples things probably in case you steal their husbands 😂.

Not necessarily, I love getting my kids to bed and having the house tidy and to myself, I have my own routine and can watch anything I want without comments on what shit am I watching etc it’s actually nice.
also when kids do go to their dads I have guilt free time to myself where I can be an adult again and not just a mum!
have also met someone who wanted to be with me despite my ‘baggage’ and I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever experienced.
Just showing another perspective.

NutellaNut · 27/09/2023 08:45

It isn’t just boredom though, is it? It’s being with someone who is grumpy and miserable most the time and doesn’t seem to value you at all. Sounds like a totally joyless experience. Ask yourself this…how do you feel about spending the next 30, 40, 50 years with him? If the answer makes you shudder to think about it, making plans to change things while you’re still young makes more sense than wasting your life with him.

PermanentTemporary · 27/09/2023 08:55

It is fairly grim living with a grump but it doesn't really suggest he's happy. Will he really not go out with you, ever? It's easier to go out individually with small children but it becomes a habit and you start to grow apart. Divorce is so awful that it's worth some effort to avoid it.

I'd look for a babysitter and get him out to the pub for a proper chat and to plan doing some things together. If he really won't, tell him he's risking the marriage if he won't leave his comfort zone.

Loubelle70 · 27/09/2023 08:58

I had this OP. He became typical grumpy old man. We separated.
I was a single parent up until my daughter was 11. I went gym when daughter was in school.. socialized in day and got babysitter or family if went out odd night. I loved being single parent. No drama, just had myself and DC to care for. I loved the freedom it brought, was never lonely...never had to clean up cook for after a man. My workload when i got with my ex was doubled, my finances suffered more. Personally I was worse off and it took me 25 years to leave. This isn't relationship for you.

CrapBucket · 27/09/2023 08:59

The happiest mums I know are the single ones. Me included. I don’t plan to ever live with a man again in my life.

Lucious1000 · 27/09/2023 09:02

Loubelle70 · 27/09/2023 08:58

I had this OP. He became typical grumpy old man. We separated.
I was a single parent up until my daughter was 11. I went gym when daughter was in school.. socialized in day and got babysitter or family if went out odd night. I loved being single parent. No drama, just had myself and DC to care for. I loved the freedom it brought, was never lonely...never had to clean up cook for after a man. My workload when i got with my ex was doubled, my finances suffered more. Personally I was worse off and it took me 25 years to leave. This isn't relationship for you.

Curious.

Did you work? Socialising in day, gym, babysitters?

Sounds like a luxury life, one I doubt the OP could foresee.

Lucious1000 · 27/09/2023 09:03

CrapBucket · 27/09/2023 08:59

The happiest mums I know are the single ones. Me included. I don’t plan to ever live with a man again in my life.

Same. Not planning to live with a woman again.

I don't think men and women should live together. Next door maybe.

Loubelle70 · 27/09/2023 09:21

Lucious1000 · 27/09/2023 09:02

Curious.

Did you work? Socialising in day, gym, babysitters?

Sounds like a luxury life, one I doubt the OP could foresee.

Show quote history

Yes i worked...but met for lunch or coffee with friends on lunch break odd time or met in park after school with friends so we could catch up and let kids play etc..anywhere really. I was better off single than with him even after socialising. I wasn't well off. I made it work. I didnt go out every week but if i wanted to go out i would pay a babysitter or my family would babysit. The gym i would go to 3x week when i dropped DC off at school..i was lucky that i didnt start work until 10am when in office and sometimes could work from home.
It can work, its not easy but i was determined to make it work on my own.

Swipe left for the next trending thread