Bored of marriage but is the grass ever greener?

[GreenerGrass321]

I’ve been with DH for 10 years, and we have a DC (4) but I’m just so bored of the marriage. The older he gets (41) the more like a grumpy old man he becomes. He has always been a bit stubborn and set in his ways but it’s slowly getting worse. It doesn’t help that he WFH so doesn’t really have much of a life beyond work and our family, so he doesn’t really have anything to talk to me about. And has made it very obvious that he doesn’t care about things that have happened to me if they don’t concern him/DC. I just don’t feel valued, or appreciated, or seen. Most of the time it feels like we are co-parents, not in a relationship. I’ve tried telling him how I feel, but it either leads to him being more of a grump, or sometimes he will try and make an effort, but then things go back to how they were, because he is just a grumpy old man at his core, and don’t think that will change

I only work part time, so he pays more than me towards household bills and mortgage. He is a relatively good dad when he isn’t being a grump. So is it really
worth rocking the boat and changing life significantly for DC just because I’m bored!? I feel like I could do better, and deserve better, but it’s a big decision.

And if you've tried tending to your own grass and nothings helped, then go to pastures new.

I guess it depends on whether you're leaving an uneventful marriage vs leaving an unhappy marriage.

The dating pool by 40 is largely filled with the 'single for a good reason', the 'divorced for a good reason', or 'damaged' people.

Thats not to say a few won't find the unluckily single people (e.g. really amazing partners but widowed for example), but more often than not, most of the good ones will be taken. So the 'ltb' crowd on here, while often saying it for a good reason, in other situations may actually be causing more harm than good.

To be fair there area lot of married people put there who don't exactly look like catches either 😄

I think op, leave on the understanding that you will be single (to me that would be way better than living with a grump) and be happily surprised if you meet someone in future.

It is difficult asking on here what people think - some will stick with marriage whatever (that's what they signed up for etc) while other of us flakes leave because we can foresee a different future.

There are plenty of nice men who will date you in your 40s and 50s. 60s and 70s even. But they won't fix YOU.

It's way more important be happy in your own skin than to be in a relationship that drags you down.

If you have told your husband how you feel yet you still feel under valued and unheard then maybe you need to think about if this is what you want for the next however long.

Nothing lasts forever. You have one life. It's not your husband's responsibility to make you happy but he shouldn't be a contributory factor to your unhappiness.

The comments about if there are other men - or not - out there, aren't the point.

You leave if you'd rather be alone, and blissfully peaceful than lonely with someone.

Yeh it’s not about being happier with someone else. It’s about being happier in general. I would settle for some nice quiet grump free evenings, or just a friend I can chat to. It’s honestly not about the romance, more companionship.

I would happily get a dog (DC would love it too) someone always happy to see me, and appreciate me… but DH is against this idea

@arethereanyleftatall

I was going to say the same thing. There are plenty of people out there, good people, it does take time and OLD can be demoralising, you need a thick skin.

The main thing here is being happy. Happy in life, free, not walking on eggshells, being able to do what you like, when you like without having to worry if the other half is going to be in a mood or not about the little stupid things.

Leaving someone, for me at least, was not about finding the next person, but finding myself again.

I'm completely happy bringing joy to my kids and in between that seeing if I can find companionship, but being older, companionship on my terms now and within my own boundaries. If I don't like it or you....Bye Bye

My BF left a boring marriage albeit with teenagers. She bought her own flat outright with the proceeds from the sale of the family home and is enjoying decorating it her way. She’s absolutely loving the single life, she has a FWB for one night a week to go out for dinner or cosy nights in when her DC are away the rest of the time it’s her and her DC. she says she wishes she had done it 5 years ago, it’s like she has a new lease of life.

It does sound miserable op. The silent treatment and shutting you down.

I had years of that, I tolerated it for the kids, things randomly got better so stayed a few more years before he left me for OW.

It sounds like your DH has emotionally checked out. I'd tell him how unhappy you are. Give him a chance to work on things?

My single life is harder. I'm not less happy now that I'm finally through most of the trauma but my kids are definitely less happy than they were. Traipsing back and forth is rubbish for them, they've told me that.

Beautiful

I think that there is a big difference between a marriage that is not happy (might also not be unhappy) and a marriage that holds you back from living your life. If you can make your own life interesting within the marriage then that is worth trying. If it is holding you back then divorce might be preferable.

@Creepyrosemary I think that living in a home with a grumpy man isn't how most people wants to live their life. Even if I had a great life outside of the home, dreading coming home to a doom fest would still compromise my quality of life. I think that if he can't snap out of it it's time to leave. I also think his grumpiness is a sign of him being unhappy but he's not willing to do anything about it.