Bored of marriage but is the grass ever greener?

[GreenerGrass321]

I’ve been with DH for 10 years, and we have a DC (4) but I’m just so bored of the marriage. The older he gets (41) the more like a grumpy old man he becomes. He has always been a bit stubborn and set in his ways but it’s slowly getting worse. It doesn’t help that he WFH so doesn’t really have much of a life beyond work and our family, so he doesn’t really have anything to talk to me about. And has made it very obvious that he doesn’t care about things that have happened to me if they don’t concern him/DC. I just don’t feel valued, or appreciated, or seen. Most of the time it feels like we are co-parents, not in a relationship. I’ve tried telling him how I feel, but it either leads to him being more of a grump, or sometimes he will try and make an effort, but then things go back to how they were, because he is just a grumpy old man at his core, and don’t think that will change

I only work part time, so he pays more than me towards household bills and mortgage. He is a relatively good dad when he isn’t being a grump. So is it really
worth rocking the boat and changing life significantly for DC just because I’m bored!? I feel like I could do better, and deserve better, but it’s a big decision.

Absolutely this

I'm single and 40 with young children - I hate it. My ex husband was grumpy - seems to happen to a lot of men when they hit 40+ - I would have stuck the marriage out but he didn't want to

Don't base your decisions about meeting the love of your life it may never happen

@Loubelle70

Question asked, question answered. Good for you.

My life is 80% less stressful without the ex and her 2 step kids. My viewpoint in relationships has changed. We all follow the conventional norms. It clearly isn't working. Divorce rates UP. Has a lot to do with woman having their own money and jobs not to be stuck.

Saying that. I was stuck because of finances.

@thetrainatplatform4

I've dated two women that didn't have kids, they were fine with it. One was 12 years younger.

I don't require a step mum, I don't even care if they don't want to meet my kids. I was a step dad to 2 young kids, I would never do that to anyone else.

You could just take time out and concentrate on you and kids for a bit. Mine are old enough now that I can leave them and go out if I want. That is a blessing.

I would happily date a woman with kids (I'm 46) but I would not be a step dad or get involved again or move in with that person.

They would though, like me, have the time to spend tome together and do things without kids. Whether getting a babysitter or kids are with the dad.

I left my ex when I was 41 and my kids were 4 and 7. But things were terrible, I would rather have spent the rest of my life alone than spend another year with him. But he wasn't just grumpy and I wasn't just bored. He was very emotionally volatile and narcissistic and I was frustrated, unhappy and felt that whatever I did wouldn't make any difference.

However, I did have a glimmer of hope that I might have a chance of meeting someone else and be in a very different kind of relationship. I'd had a good, long think about the unsuccessful relationships I'd had in the past and the kind of men I had been interested in.

Six weeks after I left my ex, I met a wonderful man. He was also just separated after a long marriage but had no children, only a puppy. At first it was lots of fun and excitement.

But we fell in love and I finally felt I'd found the person I wanted to be with.
It gradually turned into something more serious. We lived separately for 5 years but were committed to maintaining the relationship. He'd never wanted children and I had never wanted a dog.

Eventually we decided to live together. He'd got to know my children well by then and had got used to the idea that he would be living full time with children, something he struggled with at first. I got used to the dog, which I didn't find easy. He sold his house and we paid off my mortgage to jointly own the house I lived in. I worked part time and he took on a high proportion of the financial responsibilities of the household.

Last year, after 10 years together, we finally got married. One of my kids has just gone to uni and the other has just started 6th form. I am retraining with the hope of getting a full time job. We are still very happy together and he is still the love of my life and we look forward to eventually growing old together.

Maybe if things hadn't been so terrible in my first marriage I might have stayed. I know the divorce and subsequent co-parenting difficulties affected my children, especially as my ex has never forgiven me. But I know I am a lot happier than I would have ever been if I had stayed.

I would ask yourself the question, how do you envisage life with him after the children leave home? I know that even if my ex had perhaps gone to counselling and stopped being so unpleasant and provocative and I'd stayed, I would have left eventually because in my heart he wasn't the right person for me and never could be. And I couldn't have lived a lie for all those years.

But I know other women who haven't managed to meet the right person and are still single parents. And others who have stayed in unhappy marriages because it was never quite bad enough to leave. There is no easy answer. What I would suggest is to find someone to talk to about it. A counsellor or therapist would help you think this through in depth.

I think once there are kids involved you owe it to them to give things a proper try before deciding to walk away. Suggest couple’s therapy to him. He might be shocked you’re thinking of ending things and be spurred into improving the situation.

You could argue the 'you owe it to the kids' argument both ways. For the flip side is that you owe your kids a happy home, not a miserable one; and also that you owe it to your kids to show them what is a good relationship and what is not; and also to role model to them that mothers deserve to be happy too.

Of course, she owes her child a happy home that’s why I’m advising her to see if things can be improved before throwing in the towel. The OP might be bored in her relationship, but her child might be happy as larry. Whose needs are more important? And is being bored the worst thing in the world? Maybe for some people. There’s a lot of ‘your child will be happy if you’re happy’ chat on MN, but the truth is that kids are often adversely affected by marriage breakdowns. Even if some people would rather not acknowledge that. I’m not saying anyone should stay in a situation where there’s abuse and/or acrimony, but I do find it a bit self-centred when a parent is ‘hmmm, this has all got a bit hum drum, I think I’ll end my marriage’. Fine to do that if it’s just the two of you, but when you have a kid you should no longer be your own top priority.

Agree TheMurderousGoose

Leaving just because your partner is a bit boring (which seems to be what the OP means by “grumpy old man”) is fine if there are no DC involved, but seems rather selfish if there are. Especially since, as pp have pointed out, the OP may not even end up happier.

Thanks for all your advice and stories. This is certainly not a decision I would make quickly or lightly. And certainly some food for thought reading your stories.

I’m lucky in the fact that I have a very close relationship with DM, who already helps with child care, and additional days on the rare occasions me and DH go out. And financially I know it would be a struggle, but not impossible as I would be able to get more hours at work. I used to be full time before DC and it was my choice to reduce hours. And I know they would be more than happy for me to do more hours as it would means they could work less.

The marriage isn’t ‘awful’ and thankfully there is no abuse or anything like that. But also At the same time, it’s not the relationship I wanted. I see older couple walking around hand in hand, and I always thought that we would have that, but not any more. I feel under valued, under appreciated, but mainly I just feel sad.

it’s not the life I wanted, but I guess also not bad enough to leave. I know there is no right answer, and without a crystal ball it’s hard to know which would be the better option. I will of course try to make it work for DC sake, but DH is such hard work at times.

well done to all of you who have left an unhappy marriage and made it work. I know there will be plenty of ppl who have left and regretted it, but it’s nice to hear that it does work out too!

I know plenty of people that look happy but are absolutely miserable. Don't judge yourself by them.

You'd be very surprised.

Husband does need a little kick up the arse, a few home truths and as somebody else said a deadline.

It's still quite hard to get minimum wage jobs, but I do have to take hours that work for me being on my own.

What would he think of a British Gas electric meter installer. Had a guy do mine, seemed happy and I was looking into it after he left.

He may just need for now a career change. A stop gap, gets him out of the house, feels more useful and contributes.

Either way it is unsustainable and you can't keep carrying him and it's not fair either.

Think you may have posted on the wrong thread Lucious, this OP’s husband is working FT and paying more than half the bills.

Think I did, but can't delete or edit

Sorry to use a cliche but "the grass is greener where you water it".

You and DH need to put more effort into your marriage, leaving because you are bored sounds very immature.

My best friends marriage broke up when she was 29, three young kids. She is 41 now and has just met somebody who so far seems like a decent person. Difference being her children are now teenagers and so are the new guys so they don't have to rely on childcare or deal with childcare arrangements. So many times she couldn't have a relationship because childcare arrangements crashed with the person she was seeing.

If you are leaving in the hope of finding another partner and having lots of fun then it's a pipe dream. Men in their 30s and even 40s don't want to be with women with young kids. Its slim pickings out there unless you want a FWB situation.

Greener for about 18m usually. Then the grass fades to brown again.

Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel. If anyone looks at us, I’m sure they would think that we look happy. DH is very good at keeping up appearances. One year we had a big argument when we were out shopping, stopped talking and did our own thing for about an hour. Then we met up and went to my parents for dinner
as that was the original plan. He didn’t really speak to me the whole time we were there but made conversation with everyone else

I would not leave in the hopes of finding new love easily. I would leave in the hopes of being happy myself. And not having to guess if Mr Jekyll is in a super grumpy mood so to not bother trying, or a bit indifferent, or once in a blue moon, a good (ish) mood.
I try and talk to him but he just doesn’t seem bothered. If he is clearly in a bad mood, I used to try and ask what was wrong but the only answer I got was nothing was wrong. So now I just stop asking.

I left my 20+ years marriage last year and I'm in my mid-40s. I left because I'd rather be on my own than with him, I didn't want to date or meet anyone else at all. I was so elated once I had taken the step and moved into my own place that I got to decorate myself and have the bed all to myself every night. I am a much better mum and friend too as I no longer have anything weighing me down. My kids has more or less stopped seeing their dad at all (they are older) but my relationship with them has never been closer.

It's been a year and a half and I have started dating since a few months back. It's honestly been so much fun. So far I have been quite lucky with the men I have met. They have all been respectful and interesting. I had a short relationship over the summer but that has fizzled now and I'm talking to someone else instead. I appreciate it might be easier to date when you have older kids, but on the other hand you are younger than me and it sounds like you have a good support system.

I'd say speak to your husband about how you feel. He either doesn't realise at all that he's losing you or he is but he also isn't happy in the relationship.

OP I kind of know how you feel, my DH isn't grumpy but just kind of detached and I feel disinterested in me. We are both late 40's and have two teenage kids, he's a high earner and works from home most of the time now, in the evenings he watches tv and sometimes has a drink. He's very laid back and quiet, everything is always fine, don't worry about it with him which is great on one level but also a way of just not engaging much, if there is an issue he just chucks money at it. He only seems to come alive when he has the opportunity to go fishing, golfing, out to play snooker and so on with his friends and often at weekends he is up early and out before we are even up and then isn't back till dinner time by which time he eats, and if ready for his bed.

We don't have much intimacy anymore of any kind and I am just lonely and fed up, our kids will be away to university or working in a few years and it will just be us two in this big house.

I do think about leaving him but then from what I hear from my friends who are single dating is brutal and none of the ones who have divorced have found new partners casual relationships for sex yes but not an actual partner and they all started younger than I am now. They all say it is absolutely brutal out there for older women.

I also do still love my DH, I've always loved him and I still have hope we could get our spark back. We know a couple without kids who have been together for the same length of time as we have and they seem to have such a lovely loved up time together, perhaps because they didn't lose sight of each other during the toughest kid years. They are quiet but always laughing and smiling at each other and I want that too.

I decided to end my first marriage for similar reasons. He wasn't abusive, we weren't arguing. It was just so boring. All the love and romance had gone and we just felt like housemates. I dithered for years about it as it didn't seem a good enough reason to end it and split the family. But I finally did do it and have never regretted it. I met my current husband 6 months after we separated and the relationship is so different, wish I'd done it sooner. Just a different spin on it. When I think about what I would have missed out on if I hadn't done it makes me go cold.

@crochetcrazy1978 That last sentence is so true. I think a lot of people think of what they might lose if they leave rather than think of all the things the miss out on by not leaving. I too shudder when I think of how boring my life would have been had I stayed. It couldn’t have worked out better for me.

Tactfully worded. Sadly I agree. It's easy for people on here to say ltb, but rarely do people look at the subsequent pool of candidates should you leave...

@C1N1C & @Goodornot I agree the pool of men available for dating isn't great and women with dependents are at an added disadvantage for the most part. On the surface with online dating it seems exciting and like there are endless possibilities but it isn't like being 20 again, the good men are mostly taken.

@C1N1C but isn’t it still better to leave an unhappy marriage? I have definitely been happier on my own than when I was married (well, at least the last 10 years of marriage). If I never meet someone else, I’d still be happier on my own than in a grumpy home where someone is holding me back from living my life how I want to.

My experience of OLD has also been very good, but I live in Stockholm, maybe that helps. If I lived in Jaywick or somewhere like that I’d just give up on that idea.

@Snoken I know you were not talking to me but yes it probably is better to leave but most people probably imagine a new love and partner in their future and all to often that just isn't the case so it is worth being aware of that and reflecting if the marriage is saveable if having a partner is important to you.

If the grass seems greener elsewhere, it's time to tend to your own grass.