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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I overreacting? Husband troubles

73 replies

45summers · 25/09/2023 10:38

Your honest opinion

So, we recently moved to Spain for a better quality of life. We have a teenager son.
I have been through cancer for 8 years and been married for 23 pretty happy years. We are both good looking people; not boasting but want to provide a context.
My husband has a single (as in ‘not married’) friend here with whom he often goes for a drink and to the gym, all with my blessing. I have never encroached on my husband’s freedom, never dragged him shopping with me and went to all my doctors’ appts on my own. I have always encouraged him to go out with friends. I am a fully functional human being despite the physical and psychological trauma I have accumulated these past years.
To cut a long story short, my husband went for a drink last night and this morning he told me that his friend met one of his girl friends who brought along another girl and they all went to a Latino dancing club. It looked like a premeditated double date. Of course he made it clear he was married and unavailable, he said 😂. He says nothing happened but this did not seem to have stopped them dancing the night away until
3 am when he came home.
I have been asking him for years to take me to a club like this and he always retorted that he was too shy to go.
I’m now in a hotel for a few days trying to decided in what direction to head. I value loyalty and respect above all things and I feel that this was a pretty serious breach of trust. Am I wrong? Am I overthinking, overreacting?
What would you do in my position? Thanks guys

OP posts:

Rose38 · 25/09/2023 10:49

Ask him how he would feel if you danced the night away with another man? Would he be ok with that? I doubt it.
Going on what seems like a double date seems unnecessary. I mean the friend could have gone on the date alone or brought one of their single friends along. Why bring your married friend along? I mean these kind of things could lead to cheating eventually.

Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 10:51

I feel that this was a pretty serious breach of trust. Am I wrong

There is no right or wrong for feelings. Who would get to decide what was the right thing for you to feel?

You don't need our validation: you need to validate yourself. This is how you feel. It's where you're at. You feel your husband has breached your trust, and that carries a strong meaning for you. It's not about whether you are feeling 'correctly', it's about whether you will choose to respect how you feel or not.

LucieLemon · 25/09/2023 11:02

I would be pretty pissed off. This wasn't a situation where he became an accidental wingman, met 2 women whilst out and about. Nor was he out with a mixed sex friendship group, they arranged a double date in advance.

Was he up front before heading out where he was going and who with?

Original poster

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:07

Nope, he said he was going for a quiet drink with a friend. Don’t think he planned it but went along with it nevertheless

OP posts:

Original poster

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:08

Very true; I’ve never been through this before though.

OP posts:

Original poster

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:09

I agree. I just feel pretty disappointed by his lack of respect for our relationship

OP posts:

Rose38 · 25/09/2023 11:13

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:07

Nope, he said he was going for a quiet drink with a friend. Don’t think he planned it but went along with it nevertheless

Even though it wasn't planned, he really didn't need to stay for so long, did he? I mean he could have stayed for a couple of hours to be polite and then headed home. After all he did tell the other woman that he is married so it's not like she would have minded.

Epidote · 25/09/2023 11:13

Tell him to take you dancing and he has to have a word with his friend and not have more of that "look I met this girl
Who happens to have another friend, why won't go to dance all together"

If he wants to cheat he will do anyway and he will meet someone on a club, on internet or at the bus stop. However the mood of single people in clubs is always more inclined towards flirting. I would explain that very clear to your husband to pass on his mate.

LucieLemon · 25/09/2023 11:18

Sorry, I read it as a pre-planned foursome outing. I would be really unhappy with a premeditated date but not as angry if he got caught up in the situation ...... well, that's what I think at the moment, it's hard to say unless it's actually happened to you.

Still stands that he didn't have to spend all night out with them, I'm sure he could have left his friend to get to know the other woman a little better without upsetting the evening.

Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 11:20

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:08

Very true; I’ve never been through this before though.

How come you don't trust him, then? You must have had a feeling already, before this, that he wasn't trustworthy, otherwise you'd now be thinking that 'the silly devil had too much to drink and got carried away having fun with his friends, daft soul', or some other such fondness. On the background of a loving, open, trusting relationship, one night like this would be regarded as a minor disappointment and possibly a tiff, rather than a deal-breaking breach of boundaries.

What's he been like in the relationship to date? Mr Attentive, Loving and Respectful? I doubt it, because you're not even respecting yourself in your post, so I doubt you're commanding respect in your relationship.

Original poster

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:22

You’re right. Low self esteem comes in my case from a father abandonment and being sick for 8 years. If you know these things about your partner, you’d avoid causing them more heartache. Thank you for your input

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 11:32

@45summers
If you have a good relationship with your husband, why would wait for him to take you to a club to dance? Why would you not have planned such an evening for the 2 of you? You are his wife ; you're not some teenager waiting for your boyfriend to ask you out.

If your husband has been faithful for all of these years. ,why would you be suspicious now? Clearly, it appears that he told you about the evening.

Do the 2 of you ever do any spontaneous fun activities? Maybe he just got caught up in the unexpected fun activity because spontaneity and perhaps fun are not a part of your life together.

Rather than feeling disrespected, maybe you should feel informed. Perhaps, you can take the initiative in planning activities that you would enjoy and that add a bit of fun and difference to you current routine.

Original poster

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:37

All valid points, thank you. I did plan outings but he refused to come. Yes, he’s always had a penchant for looking at women and perhaps imagining stuff with them.
I literally moved to Spain because he insisted so much, leaving my trusted team of doctors and best friend behind.
I guess I’m someone who requires absolute loyalty which I offered in return and expected from him.

OP posts:

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 25/09/2023 11:45

*I did plan outings but he refused to come.". That's pretty poor form when he's prepared to go dancing with complete strangers. Pushing you to move like that isn't great either. Do you do things together? The more you post the more off his behaviour sounds.

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 11:49

@45summers

I think then you would need to articulate exactly how he has been disloyal because there is no disloyalty apparent in the description of his actions that you provided.

Now that he has tried club dancing and apparently enjoyed it. You can tell him that you would like to go dancing next weekend.

You may be a bit of hard work if you found disloyalty and disrespect in the actions that you described.

PonyPatter44 · 25/09/2023 11:49

He sounds a melt - won't go dancing with his cancer survivor wife because he's "too shy"? That's really quite pathetic. Worse, it's quite obviously a lie since he's not too shy to go out dancing with other women. I am so sorry, OP. I think taking some time away to think over your relationship is a very good idea.

Original poster

45summers · 25/09/2023 11:52

If you can’t see anything wrong with this, you’re either a man trolling this site or you have no awareness of what trust between partners should look like after 23 years. I told him to go have fun but did not encourage him to grind Latino style with a stranger.

OP posts:

SallyWD · 25/09/2023 11:53

It sounds like a drunken, flirty night but hopefully nothing happened. I wouldn't end a marriage over this but he definitely needs to make it up to you.

Oldandtrying23 · 25/09/2023 11:55

There’s more than one thing wrong with this.
there is clearly more than this going on and before this event. If my other half let me even consider going to cancer appointments alone that would be enough.
He’s enjoying A single life and dragging you around for the ride.

brandonflowersmushtash · 25/09/2023 11:55

Why did you go to all your doctors appointments on your own?
Surely your husband would want to be there to support you for at least some of them?

BlastedPimples · 25/09/2023 11:59

Also why didn't he come to any of your hospital appointments with you?

Has he been supportive throughout your treatment?

He is taking the total piss with his night out on a double date.

BlastedPimples · 25/09/2023 12:01

His telling you about that night out is testing your boundaries.

Trying to see if you'll be the "cool, relaxed wife" who is so chill and laidback with her husband dancing the night away with other women when he refuses to do the same with you.

Shut it down.

I'd leave him actually. He sounds like a jerk. Not just for that night out but because he didn't come with you to the hospital, he refuses to do anything fun or planned with you and he sounds utterly selfish.

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 12:02

@45summers
I think that I fully understand both loyalty and respect Your response about grinding against a Latino stranger suggests that you might need a bit of a reminder in the respect department. Your response comes across ad both jealous and insecure. If I were your husband, I would find it quite off putting.

DelightfullyDotty · 25/09/2023 12:07

brandonflowersmushtash · 25/09/2023 11:55

Why did you go to all your doctors appointments on your own?
Surely your husband would want to be there to support you for at least some of them?

This is the oddest thing about this post. And that you OP think that asking him to support you is encroaching on his freedom.

Lavenderosa · 25/09/2023 12:07

He didn't go with you to any cancer appointments in 8 years and you've left your trusted team of doctors behind because he insisted you move to Spain. Now he's out dancing until 3 am with another woman despite refusing to go dancing with his wife. I would think 23 years with this selfish man is enough. Put yourself first, come home and build the life you deserve.

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