Am I overreacting? Husband troubles

[45summers]

Your honest opinion

So, we recently moved to Spain for a better quality of life. We have a teenager son.
I have been through cancer for 8 years and been married for 23 pretty happy years. We are both good looking people; not boasting but want to provide a context.
My husband has a single (as in ‘not married’) friend here with whom he often goes for a drink and to the gym, all with my blessing. I have never encroached on my husband’s freedom, never dragged him shopping with me and went to all my doctors’ appts on my own. I have always encouraged him to go out with friends. I am a fully functional human being despite the physical and psychological trauma I have accumulated these past years.
To cut a long story short, my husband went for a drink last night and this morning he told me that his friend met one of his girl friends who brought along another girl and they all went to a Latino dancing club. It looked like a premeditated double date. Of course he made it clear he was married and unavailable, he said 😂. He says nothing happened but this did not seem to have stopped them dancing the night away until
3 am when he came home.
I have been asking him for years to take me to a club like this and he always retorted that he was too shy to go.
I’m now in a hotel for a few days trying to decided in what direction to head. I value loyalty and respect above all things and I feel that this was a pretty serious breach of trust. Am I wrong? Am I overthinking, overreacting?
What would you do in my position? Thanks guys

We get it. You’re a cool wife. Well done 🙄.

Why on earth pull out the rather offensive “cool wife” term all the time?

It’s insulting to someone who may simply have a different opinion. Is that allowed?

I forgot to mention that my cancer is considered terminal. He did not come to appointments because I believed he needed to focus on work as he’s the main breadwinner. I do not believe in coercion or in force-changing people. He is a great guy otherwise but part of me sees this as a not very healthy opportunity to reinvent himself in a new setting. I might be neurotic but there’s a heck of a lot of drugs floating in my system. Thank you all for taking the time to comment

😂 I didn’t say I was a cool wife, he did, on many occasions, but thank you for the infantile humour

@45summers I've read all your updates and I'm speechless of all that you are going through and infuriated on your behalf. I would be starting a new routine of dancing and dine out with husband if that is what you like and I would be letting him know very clear that you are still here and you will not tolerate small, medium or any size of crap or disrespect form him, his mate, or the entire Spanish Royal dancing club.

That really cheered me up 😂

“He didn't go with you to any cancer appointments in 8 years and you've left your trusted team of doctors behind because he insisted you move to Spain. Now he's out dancing until 3 am with another woman despite refusing to go dancing with his wife. I would think 23 years with this selfish man is enough. Put yourself first, come home and build the life you deserve.“

This, particularly if your cancer is considered terminal (really sorry to hear that). He sounds rather heartless.

OP please can you clarify who you're responding to when you post.

OP, I'm very sorry to hear that your cancer is terminal. Have you considered that it may be time for you to do the things you have always wanted to do regardless of whether your husband wants to do it? Why not go dancing for yourself, spend time with your best friend and other people you love, fulfil any dreams you have that were put aside so far?

Frankly, I find it deeply sad that your husband has left you alone to carry the pain, difficulties and sorrow of having cancer. I find that heartless. That he refused to go dancing with you while happily going along with strangers is adding insult to injury.

Sorry but he sounds like a total prick, I’m raging for you. Wouldn’t go dancing with his cancer-stricken wife but will with his mate and a couple of women he doesn’t know?! Prick.

Now he's proved he is willing and able to go dancing he can take you as often as you like.

I can understand he may have been put on the spot and it would be difficult to leave a woman with a couple at a dance club. My worry would be that the woman arranged this deliberately to get more intimately friendly time with your DH, I would be strongly resisting more meetings between the two of them, time for you to be going along if they are meeting up. He is putting himself in a vulnerable position with this woman, his intentions may be good but who knows what she is thinking. Of course he may have told her a tale of woe.

OP, your standards for spousal behaviour seem pretty low.

A decent man wouldn't have needed to be coerced or forced to attend appointments with you.

Not saying he needed to be at all of them, but over eight years I would expect a good husband to have come to at least a handful.

As for dancing. No with his wife because he's too shy, yes with total stranger till 3am. Yeah, right.

You've got terminal cancer and he decides he wants to move to Spain, away from your friends, doctors, and support network.

Not sure what's so great about him.

I agree with this. My DH didn't need to be asked to go with me when I got a mammogram call back, he wanted to go. He knew he wouldn't even be allowed into the breast clinic but still wanted to go and sit on the floor in the corridor until I came out. I'm so sorry your husband is treating you with such disregard.

Wow, I would not be ok with this at all.
He knew you'd like to go, but he went with his single mate and 2 women and stayed there until 3am, after telling you he was too shy to go with you?
Sorry, but what?
Firstly, as he knew you'd of liked that, why didn't he call you when this plan was supossedly suddenly hatched on his quiet night out and ask you along?
A simple, hey plans have changed, Fred and his girlfriend and her mate are going to this latino club, can you come?
How hard is that?
The reason he didn't do that is because a) He didn't want you to say yes, wait for me! (thus interrupting his fun little time having his ego massaged)
and b) because he didn't want you to have the opportunity to say whoa hold on, you're not going to go surely!

He felt it best to let you know afterwards. So in his eyes, you should trust him because he's told you where he went and who with. And you'll now be the unreasonable one if you are upset about it.
He must be spectacularly thick to think it would be ok to go to a latino dance club with 2 women he'd only just met, like a bloody double date, when he knew it was someonwhere you wanted to go. in fact he'd be thick to do that even if he thought you wouldn't want to go there!
So is he thick?
Or does he just think you are?

so much of what you are saying rings true. I don’t know. Tbh this is starting to feel more and more like an opportunity for me to claim my freedom. I quit my career to support his and bring up our child. In his shadow for many years. It’s time

I don't think you're being unreasonable in reacting to this, but did you go to a hotel because of it? That seems extreme and definitely not a constructive way to deal with it.

There is not one but if this I would be ok with. Yes of course, we should all give our partners time and space to pursue interests and platonic friendships but to frame popping out for a couple of drinks but ending up dancing with another woman till the small hours is wrong; particularly when you’ve told him it’s something you’d love to do with him and he’s refused.

No wonder you’re upset, it’s not just betrayal - it’s also rejection Of your wants and desires.

Im sorry about your cancer, your husband should be your biggest supporter.

I guess I needed time away to think. When I’m emotional I can’t articulate myself when and he’s a master of rational composure. He always wins

That's understandable, but also a lot of time to be away thinking. I'm afraid by running off to a hotel you have made this into a much bigger thing than it needed to be.

A night away is not unreasonable. He needs to take it seriously

Agree with everything previous posters are saying, but would also like to ask how old is your teenager in all of this? What is the plan for them in the medium to long term? what support do they have in place?

But yes, under reacting I would say, not over.

It seems a bit risky. This kind of thing would probably repel me a bit, I don't like this expression but it seems a bit high maintenance, but you know him best.

Not coming to your cancer appointments is a separate thing, but that is inordinately selfish and thoughtless.

Are you quite sure he's the great guy you say he is. I'm seeing a big 🚩 right here with your statement.