Am I overreacting? Husband troubles

[45summers]

Your honest opinion

So, we recently moved to Spain for a better quality of life. We have a teenager son.
I have been through cancer for 8 years and been married for 23 pretty happy years. We are both good looking people; not boasting but want to provide a context.
My husband has a single (as in ‘not married’) friend here with whom he often goes for a drink and to the gym, all with my blessing. I have never encroached on my husband’s freedom, never dragged him shopping with me and went to all my doctors’ appts on my own. I have always encouraged him to go out with friends. I am a fully functional human being despite the physical and psychological trauma I have accumulated these past years.
To cut a long story short, my husband went for a drink last night and this morning he told me that his friend met one of his girl friends who brought along another girl and they all went to a Latino dancing club. It looked like a premeditated double date. Of course he made it clear he was married and unavailable, he said 😂. He says nothing happened but this did not seem to have stopped them dancing the night away until
3 am when he came home.
I have been asking him for years to take me to a club like this and he always retorted that he was too shy to go.
I’m now in a hotel for a few days trying to decided in what direction to head. I value loyalty and respect above all things and I feel that this was a pretty serious breach of trust. Am I wrong? Am I overthinking, overreacting?
What would you do in my position? Thanks guys

I agree with this. He let you go to your appointments alone when you had cancer. He insisted on the move to Spain. He goes out clubbing with other women, leaving his wife alone.
This is the bit I would find just too hurtful:
”I have been asking him for years to take me to a club like this and he always retorted that he was too shy to go.”

He’s lying, isn’t he. He is very clearly not shy. He wasn’t just “going along with it” if he stayed until 3am. Anyone going along for politeness would have made their excuses and left early.

He’s a married man living a selfish life as a carefree single man. This isn’t a good relationship and in your shoes I’d be considering whether I wanted to stay. How does your son feel about the move to Spain?

Because it’s not about trust, it’s about boundaries, you may be fine with your partner doing this, others aren’t and that’s ok.

So, your husband didn't support you when you got cancer, moved you from your doctors, friends and family, (as well as your job which allowed you to NOT be his dependent and at his mercy), to a country with a long tradition of rampant infidelity and disrespect for women, and is now dating.

If someone you loved came to you and told your story, what would you advise? My heart breaks that you would waste another second of your precious life on this selfish person. You owe it to yourself and your child to respect yourself enough to walk away from this. We get one life. That's it. You've given him more of yours than he ever deserved. The best place for your husband is your rear view mirror.

@HoneyBadgerMom
The OP has never said that he moved her away from her doctors. She actually said that they moved to Spain in order to have a better quality of life. I would imagine that to reach that decision they must have done so joint research on many things among them the quality of medical care, educational resources and opportunities for the teenager who was being uprooted, employment opportunities for the husband who has been the sole supporter for the family, etc. It does not sound to be some Willy Nilly selfish move on the husband's part if a decision was reached as to an improved quality of life.

Of course he made it clear he was married and unavailable, he said 😂.

Well, I’m not sure that his date was convinced of his unavailability as they danced closely until 3 a.m.

@45summers, I would absolutely consider it a breach of my trust and a slap in my face if my H was acting single and dancing the night away with another woman at the Latino club, despite years of refusing to take me and swerving any plans I made.

You mention his penchant for looking at other women. Are you saying he ogles them in front of you, in public? If so, his friend may have felt confident that he’d be up for this double-date adventure.

His 8 year absence from all of your medical appointments is appalling. I can’t fathom his not insisting on being by your side and engaging in your treatment as much as possible. It’s also disturbing that he pushed and pushed for you to leave your trusted doctors and best friend as a terminal cancer patient.

Where is his respect, cherishment, compassion, fairness, and emotional support? I see an unequal relationship via his selfish, entitled behavior where only his wants/needs are front and center. He sounds like a narcissistic, unempathetic subjugator.

@45summers, what is this dysfunctional dynamic teaching your son about relationships?

Kudos for taking space. He needs to understand that you mean business. I strongly agree that you need to seriously consider moving on and being your own biggest champion.

@MsDogLady
The OP mentions ( for context,)in her original post that both she and her husband are nice looking people, so it may just be normal in their relationship for him to notice and be drawn to people who look a certain way given that they are both nice looking people. Maybe he is just given to noticing "their kind."

This is what the OP wrote:
I literally moved to Spain because he insisted so much, leaving my trusted team of doctors and best friend behind.

@Mari9999 The OP posted subsequently posted (there aren't numbers on the posts but it's on the first page of the thread) that he nagged and nagged her to move and she had to leave her doctors and her best friend. She is now isolated and without her healthcare team. That is not the action of someone who is looking for a "better life" for anyone but himself. And he hamstrung her career, an obvious power move meant to put her in a position where she is financially unable to break away. Not surprising for someone who is married and going on dates until 3 am.

You are working VERY hard to excuse this husband's very inexcusable disrespect and lack of concern for his wife. I agree with another poster, I believe the OP, who said if you don't see something wrong you are either a man trolling or have SERIOUS issues with boundaries. I wonder, if she, the wife, were out until 3 am on a date with another man, would you be working so hard to convince a husband to accept that behavior?

@HoneyBadgerMom
Occasionally, I read a posting that just strikes me as one that might be significantly different if the partner were posting. I may be being very unfair to the OP and it is not her partner seeking a solution. However, it Jud seems a bit odd to me to say in the very first few sentences that you went to Spain for a better quality of life and to mention that you are both good looking people. but to wait to add as an aside the fact that he did not ever go with you to your doctor's appointments.

She leads with the better quality of life statements and then when perhaps people are not sufficiently annoyed with her partner she drip feeds the other more distressing details. Would you necessarily think that you were moving to a better quality of life if you were being forced to leave treating oncologist who had been your doctors for eight years unless you were moving to some significantly better hospitals and physicians?

I apologize for my skepticism, but it is just one of those things that seems odd or off in a number of ways.

OK, that is a valid perspective. Pressing the OP for more details (gently) is fair, especially if it seems off to you.

I admit, I was focused on him wanting to move to a country where infidelity is accepted for men and then GOING ON A DATE with another woman. No matter what else is going on with them, there is no scenario in which a husband going on dates with other women is something a wife should have to tolerate.

@HoneyBadgerMom
I guess that I did not see this as a date . I saw it as his friend's girlfriend bring a friend along with her and the husband just continuing the evening. I don't see how that moves to "disrespect and disloyalty or grinding with a Latina." The reaction seemed so extreme in relation to the scenario as originally presented.

Again, it was just something that reminded me that there are usually 2 sides to most stories.

Ok this seems to have taken a life of its own, away from the original ask for your opinions. I have never written a post like this in my life and this is not a fun thing for me. I thank you for your input, positive or negative but this dissection is now making me feel pretty bad. It’s your right to form an opinion or to cast a judgement just as it is mine to withdraw from this.
For the sake of clarity, we did all move here for a better life. I have doctors here now but they are nowhere near the same as those I’ve known for years and the language is an impediment. It might come as a shock to you but I truly believed that in the not so long term this would be my final gift to my son and husband. A new start. All things aside, my husband is not a bad man but definitely emotionally immature and sometimes pretty inconsiderate. Maybe I am too, but that’s for him to say. Please refrain from making other comments, this is starting to be hurtful. Thank you all.

@HoneyBadgerMom Please read carefully as it was ‘grinding Latino style with a stranger’. Do not attribute words to me

@HoneyBadgerMom sorry, the post above was meant for @Mari9999
only just learnt how to use hashtags 🤦‍♀️

@45summers, no big deal, today is my first day and I'm still figuring out how things work. 😎

It was clearly a date. He was out at a club until 3 am after telling his wife he was going out for a quiet drink. She is not overreacting. If anything, by even entertaining staying with him, she is underreacting. His story is insultingly absurd and coupled with his previous behavior, it's clear what is happening here. You can disagree with her characterization of particular details, but to say it wasn't a date? That's reaching.

Sorry, I posted after this and didn't see it until I had posted.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Please take care of yourself and I wish you all the best.

Well within your rights to be angry.

Maybe you can see the balance of power shifting and he doesn't seem particularly kind, maybe this is the man, the real him which could get worse, it's undestandable you feel vunerable in another country without lack of support.

About the worst thing he could do to reassure you that you made the correct decision in moving was to go on a date night with friends and exclude you.

I say he's an inconsiderate bastard, but those are my boundaries.

Looks like he could lose you and his child, silly man, hope his dancing evening was worth it, that's before you even start on his lack of care during your illness, he's a selfish arse.

@45summers, you asked for honest opinions, and I’m very sorry that some of our comments have upset you. You made various statements about your H’s behaviors and how they have affected you, and I expressed my thoughts regarding those choices. Very selfish and entitled behaviors often show up across the board and indicate a pattern. Recognizing the pattern can be an impetus for change or new decisions.

As I previously said regarding the issue at hand, H’s consenting to this clubbing date and his all-night tactile, intimate dancing with this woman crossed a thick red line. He made himself ‘available’ for that kind of physical closeness, and must have enjoyed the flattery and gratification to have invested that many hours. In my marriage, this would be an utter betrayal and a form of infidelity. Do you know if they exchanged numbers? How can you trust that he won’t be seeing her again?

@45summers, H has sabotaged the ‘new start.’ After all you’ve been through (and still are) and everything you’ve done for him, he has treated you with callous disregard and damaged your peace of mind. In my view, this disloyalty is deeper than ‘emotionally immature’ and ‘inconsiderate,’ and sharp consequences are in order.

@MsDogLady I’m a linguist by trade and certain ways of putting things have a greater than intended impact on me. I appreciate you giving some of your time to reply to this ❤️

@HoneyBadgerMom you are a kind soul, thank you.

I’m always irritated when some posters on MN, clearly in distress and looking for genuine help and advice, are pounced on and they’re circumstances picked apart by other posters. This is often done unkindly and, seemingly, with little thought to the real life person who has posted their problem.
Perhaps some posters should pause and reflect and not press ‘post’ without first doing so.

Anyway op, you sound like a very giving person, genuinely putting your husband first. I think however, this isn’t at all reciprocated. He’s taking the piss. Raise your bar and insists he treats you with the respect you’re due. If he won’t change his view of your relationship, it may be time to rethink where you get your support from. And, if necessary, up sticks and go to that support.

I’m so sorry about your diagnosis but all the more reason to bump yourself up the list of priorities. Put yourself first. I’ve a feeling this may be a new and challenging thing for you to do but the time has come x

I wasn’t talking about you.