Boyfriend would rather stay in the pub.

Gingerbread981 · 2023-09-25T07:10:09+00:00

It seems every weekend, now it’s football season, DP will go to the pub after playing football, he might stay out until they close or he might come back at 8 or 9 and fall asleep on the sofa. He might also do the same Fridays after work. If we make plans to do somethIng, like a meal out, he’ll happily come along, but never initiate it. If and when I suggest we spend some time together, he says ‘what do you want to do?’ Which was easier in the summer months, much more options. I’m late 40’s and I don’t want to go out every Saturday night just to get to see him, i do go out with friends too, but not every week. He says things like ‘what are we going to do? Sit on the sofa?’ I think he’s being high maintenance, expecting to be offered something better than the pub or he won’t bother coming back. Please be kind, I’m not the best with wording this.

DustyLee123 · 25/09/2023 08:12

He’s not treating you or your relationship how you want. You either accept it, or find someone who wants the same as you.

samestyle · 25/09/2023 08:24

Surely there's better out there? Find someone more compatible to you and seems more interested in being with you.

Starlightstarbright2 · 25/09/2023 08:24

Your not matched - dump and move on

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 25/09/2023 08:30

You're not a match, he doesn't want to spend time alone with you. He just isn't that into you.

Move on, find someone better, who will actually want to be around you.

Original poster

Gingerbread981 · 25/09/2023 08:43

Yes, I have asked myself what I’m getting out if this relationship. I asked him that last night too. He said he’ll spend some time with me next weekend, this is because there’s no match on Sunday (he takes kids football Sundays too, pub after) So basically, I’m there for when there’s nothing better to do. We’ve been down this road before, things improved, but a year on I’m thinking I may as well be on my own.

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 25/09/2023 08:44

You'd be happier on your own too as you wouldn't have all this taking up your brain space

tescocreditcard · 25/09/2023 08:45

I dunno, I can see his point in a way - I'd much rather be down the pub with my mates after doing sports than sitting on the sofa with my partner watching TV.

Can you join them in the pub?

Original poster

Gingerbread981 · 25/09/2023 08:50

Occasionally, I’ve just turned up, I’ll generally be the only woman there, has turned out to be a good night. But, it’s not how I want to spend my time/money.

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Zanatdy · 25/09/2023 08:51

I can also see his point, if there’s nothing planned then it’s fair enough he wants to spend some time with friends. He will spend time with you when something is planned but assume it’s fine for him to go out with his friends too. Assume this isn’t every night, I’d just make my own plans or enjoy some Netflix if didn’t want to go out

RantyAnty · 25/09/2023 08:53

Do you live together?

tescocreditcard · 25/09/2023 08:53

Gingerbread981 · 25/09/2023 08:50

Occasionally, I’ve just turned up, I’ll generally be the only woman there, has turned out to be a good night. But, it’s not how I want to spend my time/money.

And sitting on the sofa watching TV isn't how he wants to spend his time.

JFDIYOLO · 25/09/2023 08:55

He's just not that bothered.

You're a supporting player to the star turn, which is his mates, his football, the pub.

If he's around your age or older he's pretty much set.

This is who he is.

Is that what you want?

Because that's what you'll keep getting.

They don't change.

Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 09:07

Can you see that you're simply not compatible, OP? We are all allowed to go to the pub as much as we want. He's not doing anything wrong, he's living the life he enjoys. Why don't you do the same?

What you're currently doing is the equivalent of him going ice skating every weekend when he'd rather than going to football and the pub, then complaining that ice skating isn't making him happy.

Do what you want, and find someone who wants to do it with you. Why do you think he should change for you, when he's doing nothing wrong and he's happy?

Netcam · 25/09/2023 09:09

That is not the kind of relationship I would want. To be honest if it were me I'd leave and find someone more compatible.

It kind of reminds me of relationships I had in my 20s. I realised, after marrying my ex, that actually it's not the kind of life I would want. What I actually wanted was to be with someone who liked spending time me and who I liked spending time with, regardless of what we were doing.

In my early 40s I met my second DH, we are now early 50s. We have always been quite happy spending weekends at home having nice meals with some red wine, Netflix, walks in the countryside, board games and occasional social or family commitments. And a bit of housework/gardening. We do our own thing sometimes for part of the weekend, but try and organise that around ensuring we have some time together.

Some people would think that sounds really boring but we get on well, enjoy each other's company and like a simple life together. We are both introverts. I have realised being with an extrovert would never work for me.

MichelleScarn · 25/09/2023 09:14

tescocreditcard · 25/09/2023 08:45

I dunno, I can see his point in a way - I'd much rather be down the pub with my mates after doing sports than sitting on the sofa with my partner watching TV.

Can you join them in the pub?

Agree with thus, at the moment all you're really saying is 'I don't want you spending your time doing this activity, I don't actually want to do anything, I just want you to sit and watch t.v'

Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 09:16

What do you want to do instead?

Fidgety31 · 25/09/2023 09:22

You’re not compatible. But he isn’t in the wrong because of that .
I personally would be bored stiff sat on the sofa watching tv every weekend - so would always choose to be out instead (I’m late 40s too and
spent enough time indoors when kids were young )

And regards him planning activities- some people are just rubbish at this anyway . I’m a planner - my boyfriend isn’t . But I accept that we are not all the same !

Northernparent68 · 25/09/2023 09:22

Why don’t you got out and do something? Go to the gym, or see your friends

Original poster

Gingerbread981 · 25/09/2023 09:29

Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to spend my life on the sofa, that was his words, but I have to come up with alternatives. A meal out, cinema etc. or just a few drinks (but he won’t do that with me)it all gets expensive, he then says he hasn’t got the money to do things all the time.

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Bigmoanbabyg · 25/09/2023 09:31

I can see where you are coming from. The frustration is he wants to spend time down the pub whenever free instead of with you. So even if you out your foot down it will feel like he's being dragged somewhere and not enthusiastic. A few of my friends have ended up in this pattern, sometimes partly to blame as they have been critical of their men's suggestions and dates in the past, but mostly just from losing spark.

Maybe you both need to come at this differently and list what you think makes a good day/ night out and seek to meet each others expectations. I'm guessing early dating was a lot of attention, compliments and date ideas for you and seeing you look amazing then sex for him later after the date. This has now gone somewhere off the boil meaning he doesn't get the sexy lady and sex anymore and so you don't get the attention and compliments. Could you focus on getting that early balance back and associating effort = reward for both of you.

Bobbotgegrinch · 25/09/2023 09:47

Do you see each other in the week?

I'm happy enough pottering round the house or sat on the sofa with DP on a week night, but Friday and Saturday I'll generally want to be out, visiting friends, at the pub or going out for a meal, or just out somewhere with DP.

It's sounds like you just want different things from your weekends. Doesn't sound like anyone's in the wrong, but that youre just a bit incompatible.

mlfosssssv · 25/09/2023 10:09

You need to consider the future and what will happen when you retire. When the kids have moved out and you're all alone with him, not even work as a distraction. Do you have enough common interests to stay entertained? Or will he be in the pub all day everyday? I'd be seriously considering

Original poster

Gingerbread981 · 25/09/2023 10:14

Bigmoanbabyg · 25/09/2023 09:31

I can see where you are coming from. The frustration is he wants to spend time down the pub whenever free instead of with you. So even if you out your foot down it will feel like he's being dragged somewhere and not enthusiastic. A few of my friends have ended up in this pattern, sometimes partly to blame as they have been critical of their men's suggestions and dates in the past, but mostly just from losing spark.

Maybe you both need to come at this differently and list what you think makes a good day/ night out and seek to meet each others expectations. I'm guessing early dating was a lot of attention, compliments and date ideas for you and seeing you look amazing then sex for him later after the date. This has now gone somewhere off the boil meaning he doesn't get the sexy lady and sex anymore and so you don't get the attention and compliments. Could you focus on getting that early balance back and associating effort = reward for both of you.

Edited

Yeah, it was like that to start. All summer we seemed to like the same things, go out for the day, get some food etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gingerbread981 · 25/09/2023 10:16

Bobbotgegrinch · 25/09/2023 09:47

Do you see each other in the week?

I'm happy enough pottering round the house or sat on the sofa with DP on a week night, but Friday and Saturday I'll generally want to be out, visiting friends, at the pub or going out for a meal, or just out somewhere with DP.

It's sounds like you just want different things from your weekends. Doesn't sound like anyone's in the wrong, but that youre just a bit incompatible.

Yeah, by the time I’ve ran the kids around etc and he’s done his footy training etc we eat together and watch a bit of tv, fall asleep knackered. So it’s not what I want to do weekends when I’m wide awake and ready to see him/spend quality time.
He is staying at mine at the mo.

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Lookingoutside · 25/09/2023 16:04

You’re having to ask him to spend time with you.

Get rid of him.