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Original poster

Boyfriend would rather stay in the pub.

66 replies

Gingerbread981 · 25/09/2023 08:10

It seems every weekend, now it’s football season, DP will go to the pub after playing football, he might stay out until they close or he might come back at 8 or 9 and fall asleep on the sofa. He might also do the same Fridays after work.
If we make plans to do somethIng, like a meal out, he’ll happily come along, but never initiate it.
If and when I suggest we spend some time together, he says ‘what do you want to do?’ Which was easier in the summer months, much more options.
I’m late 40’s and I don’t want to go out every Saturday night just to get to see him, i do go out with friends too, but not every week. He says things like ‘what are we going to do? Sit on the sofa?’ I think he’s being high maintenance, expecting to be offered something better than the pub or he won’t bother coming back.
Please be kind, I’m not the best with wording this.

OP posts:
whatchulookinatwillis · 26/09/2023 09:25

"He's staying at mine" presumably to get cheap lodging and board, someone to share the bills and cleaning with, but you're not the person he wants to spend his free time with.

You get the end of the working day tiredness and he gets a cooked tea, but when he has time, money and energy he goes elsewhere.

If you kicked him out tomorrow, would he have somewhere to go/be able to afford to live elsewhere? Or are you just the convenient option for him?

tescocreditcard · 26/09/2023 13:34

OP - it's not clear, does he come back to your house when he's been to the pub?

Original poster
Gingerbread981 · 26/09/2023 13:54

Dayhee · 26/09/2023 09:09

Presumably you don’t have kids together?

if not then I wouldn’t want to be with someone whose life revolves around the pub and his mates.

I may have put up with this when I was younger but no way would I be accepting this in my late 40’s. I’d be moving on.

No we don’t, I have children, he feels like an extra one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerbread981 · 26/09/2023 14:41

tescocreditcard · 26/09/2023 13:34

OP - it's not clear, does he come back to your house when he's been to the pub?

Yes he’s staying at mine, but has been drinking since the afternoon until midnight, one or two nights every weekend

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerbread981 · 26/09/2023 14:46

whatchulookinatwillis · 26/09/2023 09:25

"He's staying at mine" presumably to get cheap lodging and board, someone to share the bills and cleaning with, but you're not the person he wants to spend his free time with.

You get the end of the working day tiredness and he gets a cooked tea, but when he has time, money and energy he goes elsewhere.

If you kicked him out tomorrow, would he have somewhere to go/be able to afford to live elsewhere? Or are you just the convenient option for him?

Exactly this. Yes he can go home.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 26/09/2023 14:47

How long had you been together before he started to stay at yours and are your kids around when he is drinking through the day?

tescocreditcard · 26/09/2023 14:48

Gingerbread981 · 26/09/2023 14:41

Yes he’s staying at mine, but has been drinking since the afternoon until midnight, one or two nights every weekend

Show quote history

Oh. I wouldn't fucking have that. Either he comes round to see you or he plays footy and goes to the pub with his mates and then to his home. Not both. Thats called cake eating.

What a cheeky bastard!

Original poster
Gingerbread981 · 26/09/2023 14:56

I didn’t have my kids the weekend, but they aren’t in the pub when I do have them.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 26/09/2023 15:01

OP, don't let him stay with you for somewhere to crash when he's been out drinking. I bet he even just assumes he's gonna be staying with you doesn't he? I bet he doesn't ask if you mind if he goes drinking with his friends and then stays at your house.

Pull back a bit. This week, don't even text him asking what his plans are. Wait to see what he says. If he says he's going to the pub tell him you were looking forward to seeing him but you'll go out with your friends instead and hopefully see him next time. Say this every time. I bet he'll just come straight round your house afterwards and assume he's gonna sleep there. Well don't answer the door. Say you didn't hear it you were asleep.

Go out with friends, we can't get all our needs met by men, thats what friends are for.

Lilithlogic · 26/09/2023 15:02

Do you drink when he does, or even drink because he does? Not asking in a judgemental manner, just as someone who was in that position, took me a while to realise I wasn't happy with that

Original poster
Gingerbread981 · 26/09/2023 15:09

@tescocreditcard i have plans this weekend with friends and the one after. Probably why I was pissed off about having no plans with him.
@Lilithlogic i have done in the past, but now I’d one have one or two, or drive. I think I’ve grown out of that, possibly grown out of him too. There’s more to life.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 26/09/2023 15:14

It will get worse honestly, put me off alcohol altogether, my ex became a caricature. Your time is being wasted by a man who only thinks of himself and nothing about you, honestly get rid.

NoThanksymm · 26/09/2023 16:11

i mean with a conversation about the relationship.

but maybe he’s just bored. I’m not a sofa sitter either, would rather have people around. Board games? Yoga/workout? Cooking together?

and yeah. He has to initiate too! Or he’s just not that into you.

YawningCat · 28/09/2023 23:08

I’m in along term relationship and I hate sitting in the sofa at home, watching TV. It’s my partners dream. I often end up reading in bed or going to see friends.

it’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my other half, I just, in the nicest possible way find his interests a bit boring.

I will tell him every other weekend, I want to spend time with you doing x, or I want to spend time with you, please can you arrange something that is not x.

I’ve learned to find a bit of a balance between what I need in the relationship and what he needs.

if it’s grinding you that much, figure out if he is worth the compromise and if not, move on.

Original poster
Gingerbread981 · 29/09/2023 07:40

I don’t think it is worth the compromise, I spend all weekend on my own, or with friends, may as well be on my own.
no I don’t spend it sitting on the sofa. I meet up with friends, have hobbies etc. there just comes a time, I think it would be nice to do something with my partner at the weekend or at least see him!

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 29/09/2023 07:54

@Gingerbread981 do you suggest or initiate anything to do or places to go your boyfriend though?
Maybe he thinks you aren’t interested in doing anything with him so he goes out with his mates instead ?

He sounds like a creature of habit and unless something better is offered then his default is the pub. Lots of sociable people are like this as they don’t like sitting indoors . But if you suggest something then yes he should be agreeing and be there doing it with you

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