Boyfriend would rather stay in the pub.

[Gingerbread981]

It seems every weekend, now it’s football season, DP will go to the pub after playing football, he might stay out until they close or he might come back at 8 or 9 and fall asleep on the sofa. He might also do the same Fridays after work.
If we make plans to do somethIng, like a meal out, he’ll happily come along, but never initiate it.
If and when I suggest we spend some time together, he says ‘what do you want to do?’ Which was easier in the summer months, much more options.
I’m late 40’s and I don’t want to go out every Saturday night just to get to see him, i do go out with friends too, but not every week. He says things like ‘what are we going to do? Sit on the sofa?’ I think he’s being high maintenance, expecting to be offered something better than the pub or he won’t bother coming back.
Please be kind, I’m not the best with wording this.

I'm with @tescocreditcard tbh.

It sounds like he has hobbies / is involved with things that take up some of his time, and you don't.
That it is you that wants him to 'entertain you' somehow ?

Personally, I'm a person who belongs to things / commits to things too. I'd find it very constricting to just spend time with my dh, and neither of us to volunteer, or go to do things we enjoy.

What hobbies or volunteering, or interests do you have ?
When do you spend time with other people ?

I was amazed to read you’re in your 40s which presumably means he’s around that age as well. You’re too old for that man-child shit behaviour (Anyone is!!) Dump!!

@Gingerbread981 has he started to get lazier about making you a priority only since he moved in with you? Perhaps he's got a little too comfortable now his feet are under the table so to speak. Time to make yourself a little less available, ask him to move out and go back to making an effort to date you again!

He seems to always have a plan: The pub, and he likes it a lot. I would think we are a very bad match.

I wouldn't be with someone with very different interests than me. One day a week Hobby is fine but most days is far too much.
I don't know, I will be feed up of being second best.And I would be tired of being asked what do you want to do like if I'm nagging.

Relationship are for sharing, they are not supposed to be every day hard work.

All day and night Saturday and Sunday? What’s the point of being in a relationship?

Why do so many posters on mums net immediately say to leave him / the relationship is doomed etc.

too many posters reccommend to walk away. For sometimes the most trivial things!

what about communicating? Talking and seeing if a resolution can be fixed?

It doesn’t seem like he values the relationship or he would choose you over his other plans.
Personally I couldn’t be with someone who’s obsessed with foot ball and going to the pub. This sounds like something you do in your 20s not in your 40s. Does he have any kids?

So true! There’s no sticking power on this forum. Most people take partners as disposable items that when no longer serving their purpose should be discarded. There’s always too sides to a story and relationships are about compromises

Because the place is littered with women in shit relationships with undeserving men.

It’s hard to watch sometimes.

@Mememe9898 No ‘sticking power’? For goodness sake, get off your knees.

She has to initiate all the time...thats a lazy OH who wants OP to plan everything for them, thats unfair. If he can organise to go with his mates he can organise a date!!! Fcol.
Lazy men who want the single life but also want a woman at home doing wifey stuff. Not down with it.
Let him go, start to plan your nights out with friends or even on your own. If he won't spend time with you, lead your own life. Don't even mention not spending time together anymore and don't plan anything for you as a couple. Just do you

I think many men do grow out of this lifestyle, it’s been a wonderful summer, getting a bit of time together, certainly not the whole weekend like some are suggesting. I’d find that suffocating, just one evening in a weekend would be nice to spend together.
no he doesn’t have kids. I do, so on weekends I don’t have them I’d like to make the most, with my partner occasionally, not just friends.

So he's expecting you to make all the plans, otherwise he wont make plans with you and just sits in the pub? And he complains that your plans will cost too much money but hes happy to waste all his money in the pub all weekend? Sorry but thats not normal, especially at your age! Id have a serious chat about both your expectations and what you're getting out of the relationship. Im all for working hard to make a relationship work, but not from one side just doing all the work. If youre not compatible then nothing you do will really change that, you cant force him to do what he doesnt want to do. But I wouldnt sit around waiting for him either

'He's staying at mine'

Op tell us more?

This

I think this is a major red flag.

My ex was the same. I left him for it.
My new partner would rather sit in with me and do nothing, over doing anything else with somebody that isn't me.
Find someone who wants to do nothing with you

I totally get what you mean. It doesn’t have to be something structured every weekend but sometimes it’s nice to just veg together.
How old are your kids? Does he get on well with them and do you see this as a long term relationship and can accept certain things about him? It’s impossible to find a 100% perfect match. Certain things require compromises.
For e.g. my husband hates travelling and I’ve always enjoyed travelling. He does it because I enjoy it and tags along. Now we have kids we both don’t enjoy “holidays” as it’s no longer a holiday 🫣 but certain things he brings to the relationship that I can accept that he’s not going to be great in some areas. Like he’s incredibly stable, caring and pretty much does most things I ask him to do if it’s really important to me and the family. You’ve got to ask yourself if the “juice is worth the squeeze”

Yeah great hobbies: getting pissed with his football loving boring as fuck mates every single weekend and avoiding his partner at all costs.

Where is the intimacy and connection?

OP this set up sounds crap for you. Really depressing. And he’s staying at yours is he? Sounds like he’s using your place like a hotel/parental base.

This.

I had an ex that was similar. He had to be out and about doing something from morning to night Friday til Sunday. We never spent time together to just “be”. Doing nothing at all or messing about at home. I always felt like I came second to all his activities and socializing. I eventually began to resent not spending time just doing nothing with him. It made me feel like I was just his date on Saturday nights that he would get sex from.

You're not a good match.

He is staying at mine at the mo

Meaning?
Are you in this for the long haul, or is it more of a 'situationship'?
Do you perhaps feel he might be using you?

Do you have interests, hobbies, passions of your own?
Friends?
Life can be a bit dull without these.

This.

Exactly. To spend all weekend at football ( ugh ) while you are free to be out and about? And he lives with you? He’s laughing. I can’t see what’s in it for you, obvious what’s in it for him, sorry @Gingerbread981 you really do deserve better than being his landlady.

Totally this. Glad you found the right person.

Presumably you don’t have kids together?

if not then I wouldn’t want to be with someone whose life revolves around the pub and his mates.

I may have put up with this when I was younger but no way would I be accepting this in my late 40’s. I’d be moving on.