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Original poster

Do people always mean what they say?

100 replies

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 14:03

I met someone at university. We are studying together on our doctorates and he's here for a couple of years from his home country. We became really close friends which led to sex. I'm not even sure what it is, but we spend a lot of time together and I stay at his most nights so in my eyes that meant something and I thought we were a couple really.

What's lacking is the romance bit. We have never been on a date and we don't kiss (he pulls away) and he doesn't say anything romantic which I've found upsetting. I tried to stop seeing him a few times, but he'd text and ask what I was up to and I'd end up going over because I thought this was his way of admitting he felt romantically too. I asked outright and he said he really just wanted to be friends without the physical stuff, but he is happy to let me sleep over and the physical stuff continues.

He mentioned quite early that he had a girlfriend at home but they broke it off when he left as she wasn't keen on long distance and he didn't feel quite ready to fully commit and miss out on his placement. I thought if he really loved her, he surely wouldn't have made the choice to leave her behind and he's said quite often that he prefers living here. So I thought honestly that he'd stay and we'd end up a couple.

After a couple of months of sleeping together, I said I'd fallen for him and to just tell me where I stand. He said that he's only here for a couple of years and is going back home next year. I asked him why he was going back because he has said countless times he loves it here and he's been offered an amazing research job, and he said he realised he loved this other woman and wanted to go back for her.

We've been seperated all summer and I'll be seeing him for the first time again tomorrow and I'm just trying to understand why he'd spend every day and night with me, have sex, live a happy life with a fantastic job opportunity and then go home next year to be with this woman. If he loved her wouldn't he have just stayed with her to begin with? Why did he spend so much time with me if he didn't have feelings?

OP posts:
Goodornot · 24/09/2023 14:05

IME people never say what they mean or mean what they say.
They say what they want you to hear so they get what they want in the short term.

EskSmith · 24/09/2023 14:07

He's happy to sleep with you but you don't kiss? He's just using you. In fact he has been pretty honest that he sees no future for you.

Do not fall back into the routine of sleeping with him, you deserve better and he will never give you what you want.

gwenneh · 24/09/2023 14:07

Why did he spend so much time with me if he didn't have feelings?

Because you were available and she was not.

He has told you exactly what he wants and why; you should listen.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/09/2023 14:09

Goodornot · Today 14:05

IME people never say what they mean or mean what they say.
They say what they want you to hear so they get what they want in the short term”

Sorry that’s been your experience. I’ve found that most people are pretty decent and well-intentioned.

Oldthyme · 24/09/2023 14:09

For goodness sake, sounds like he’s using you as a friend with benefits. Stop him in his tracks now. Whatever his agenda, you ain’t part of the long term.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 24/09/2023 14:10

It sounds like, and I say this gently, he is saying how he feels but it’s not what you want to hear. It must hurt, especially as you have fallen for him.

StopStartStop · 24/09/2023 14:12

Good grief. Enjoy him, knowing he'll be gone next year. Or move on now, and use your time enjoying yourself elsewhere. You might find someone who respects you and cares for you.

BethDuttonsTwin · 24/09/2023 14:13

You were just something to pass the time.

I know that sounds mean but I have been there myself and it feel horrible if you've developed feelings for them. I think it's best to be honest about these things.

gwenneh · 24/09/2023 14:15

He mentioned quite early that he had a girlfriend at home but they broke it off when he left as she wasn't keen on long distance and he didn't feel quite ready to fully commit and miss out on his placement. I thought if he really loved her, he surely wouldn't have made the choice to leave her behind and he's said quite often that he prefers living here. So I thought honestly that he'd stay and we'd end up a couple.

He was pretty clear about things, but you put a narrative together yourself that doesn't match the reality. Time to get rid of it and move on, this man isn't ever going to be what you want him to be.

pinkfondu · 24/09/2023 14:22

I'm not sure how much clearer he can be. He's told you and you keep having sex with him, it's really that simple

Ladyj84 · 24/09/2023 14:25

Erm he couldn't make it any clearer and you seem to be the one running after him staying at his when you don't need to.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 24/09/2023 14:35

Why did he spend so much time with me if he didn't have feelings?

Because you're there and you're available.

sammylady37 · 24/09/2023 14:37

I asked outright and he said he really just wanted to be friends without the physical stuff, but he is happy to let me sleep over and the physical stuff continues

Big of him, isn’t it 🙄

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/09/2023 14:40

He wanted sex! That's why he was with you. You offered him sex and didn't place any conditions on it (being a couple, faithfulness etc).

But for his future he wants to be with his family and the woman of his dreams (who I assume comes from the same cultural background he does?).

JoanThursday1972 · 24/09/2023 14:42

Goodornot · 24/09/2023 14:05

IME people never say what they mean or mean what they say.
They say what they want you to hear so they get what they want in the short term.

I say what I mean and mean what I say. I'm not a lyric from Wordy Rappinghood and I hate people who are. It's pathetic.

GodDammitCecil · 24/09/2023 14:43

Because he gets sex on tap (he says ‘jump’, you ask ‘how high?’), and companionship.

He’s outright told you that’s all you are to him, so either accept that, or ditch and move on.

He’s just not that into you.

Original poster
Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 14:54

So when I pulled away and he would message and say he missed me, this wasn't him having feelings for me? Or he missed me as a friend?

I don't think he wanted sex because he never instigated it 😞 he was happy to cuddle if I wanted to stay over or just for me to sleep om the sofa really.

I'm an idiot. I just felt like we had such close times together and talked about everything. He did say he felt it very hard to let go of that which gave me hope.

I thought if he'd left her for this placement it must mean he didn't really love her.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 24/09/2023 14:56

So when I pulled away and he would message and say he missed me, this wasn't him having feelings for me?
No, it was not. Again, that's you applying your narrative. You can miss someone and not have relationship-level feelings for them.

I thought if he'd left her for this placement it must mean he didn't really love her.
So you were wrong. Cut losses and move on.

Original poster
Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 14:58

"You can miss someone and not have relationship-level feelings for them"

Can you? I miss friends yes, but he seemed to want to see me most days which I thought meant love type feelings

OP posts:
category12 · 24/09/2023 15:01

He left her and his home country to do his doctorate, presumably because he thought it was the best place for him to study. He may have lied about them not being in a relationship still.

He's going back because he wants to make a life with her over there.

It's not complicated.

He's been very honest. He may enjoy your company (and fucking you), but he won't kiss you and has never said it's anything more than friendship.

I think he should probably have not had sex with you, but people are selfish sometimes.

gwenneh · 24/09/2023 15:05

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 14:58

"You can miss someone and not have relationship-level feelings for them"

Can you? I miss friends yes, but he seemed to want to see me most days which I thought meant love type feelings

Yes, you can.

Let go of your idea of who you want this man to be and find someone who is available.

Original poster
Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 15:07

I think I just assumed if a man spends the best part of six months doing everything with you and you get on brilliantly and he wants you around and enjoys sex with you that it's a meaningful relationship.

I know a lot was lacking on the romance side and I admit he did say he would prefer nothing physical happenned but it didn't fit for me that he'd want to more or less act like a couple in terms of having lunch and dinner together every etc. He was quite happy to do everything with me.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/09/2023 15:11

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 14:58

"You can miss someone and not have relationship-level feelings for them"

Can you? I miss friends yes, but he seemed to want to see me most days which I thought meant love type feelings

Think of it this way - you're in a new country for only a couple of years, presumably you don't know many people, don't have a social network, don't have family. You make a nice friend and spend a lot of time with them - wouldn't you miss them?

All the rest of his behaviour - never instigating sex, not kissing, telling you he only to be friends and not have the physical side, never going on dates, never saying anything romantic - why would you ignore all that?

It seems like he's not actually into the sex at all if he never initiates.

Original poster
Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 15:13

I just can't understand why he'd give up a fantastic life with someone he clearly wants to be with every day to go back to someone he's not even been with for over a year.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/09/2023 15:15

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 15:13

I just can't understand why he'd give up a fantastic life with someone he clearly wants to be with every day to go back to someone he's not even been with for over a year.

Because he doesn't love you.

Maybe he isn't even going back for her. Maybe it's just an excuse to get you to back off.