Do people always mean what they say?

[Peasofmind]

I met someone at university. We are studying together on our doctorates and he's here for a couple of years from his home country. We became really close friends which led to sex. I'm not even sure what it is, but we spend a lot of time together and I stay at his most nights so in my eyes that meant something and I thought we were a couple really.

What's lacking is the romance bit. We have never been on a date and we don't kiss (he pulls away) and he doesn't say anything romantic which I've found upsetting. I tried to stop seeing him a few times, but he'd text and ask what I was up to and I'd end up going over because I thought this was his way of admitting he felt romantically too. I asked outright and he said he really just wanted to be friends without the physical stuff, but he is happy to let me sleep over and the physical stuff continues.

He mentioned quite early that he had a girlfriend at home but they broke it off when he left as she wasn't keen on long distance and he didn't feel quite ready to fully commit and miss out on his placement. I thought if he really loved her, he surely wouldn't have made the choice to leave her behind and he's said quite often that he prefers living here. So I thought honestly that he'd stay and we'd end up a couple.

After a couple of months of sleeping together, I said I'd fallen for him and to just tell me where I stand. He said that he's only here for a couple of years and is going back home next year. I asked him why he was going back because he has said countless times he loves it here and he's been offered an amazing research job, and he said he realised he loved this other woman and wanted to go back for her.

We've been seperated all summer and I'll be seeing him for the first time again tomorrow and I'm just trying to understand why he'd spend every day and night with me, have sex, live a happy life with a fantastic job opportunity and then go home next year to be with this woman. If he loved her wouldn't he have just stayed with her to begin with? Why did he spend so much time with me if he didn't have feelings?

Well I think she has a right to know because if he has he's been cheating on us both hasn't he. I know we're not in am official relationship but for all intents and purposes he's happy to let me sleep in his bed every night.

I invested all those months into friendship and wouldn't have wasted my time if I'd known he wasn't available.

@Peasofmind
She may in fact know about you, or may not have expected him to be celibate. Why would your thoughts move to what his girlfriend should know? You can't even accept the truth that he is telling you.

Why don't you just walk away from this situation with whatever remains of your dignity intact? You are not his morality police. Just because you are hurting does not give you the right to bring your pain to someone else's door step. Would you be willing to tell her that even though he told you that he loved someone else and showed you no affection that you repeatedly went to his apartment offering sex? If you feel that she needs to know, then you should be prepared to tell her the entire truth

Probably. But sometimes you have to operate a policy of least harm. To contact some stranger to tell them their boyfriend has had sex with you is taking a big risk. You have no idea of her state of mind, support network or effect on her wellbeing that could have. I know of a young man who attempted, and nearly succeeded, in taking his own life after being told of his GFs infidelity by some stranger who didnt know him well enough to know how vulnerable he was right then. That sort of news should only come from a trusted person acting in your interests. Not a hurt other woman using you for revenge.

Because you’re shagging him op. And he likes having sex on tap.

Im struggling with the idea that you’re doing a phd, therefore you are incredibly intelligent, yet you can’t see this for what it is.

Fucks sake get a grip

You've gone from oh he said this but I think he didn't mean it because he did this to seeking revenge and wanting to fuck up his life presumably in the hope he'll come back to you

He's been honest with you. He always has been. You've read into it more than it was.

Raise your bar. And leave the poor man alone. No don't fucking 'tell her'.

Mad as a box of frogs, this thread, tbh.

He might not still be in a relationship with her, but he is not available to you and he has made that perfectly clear.

If you want a relationship. Look for someone else. University is chock full of available men. But sus them out first and get some commitment from them before falling for them.

@Peasofmind
Maybe you should consider getting some therapy or counseling to help you to move on from this situation. You might also want to consider why you are having trouble accepting what he is telling you, and instead are creating a different narrative not based in fact around this situation.

I can see you're all right in some ways I just find it hard to believe he'd throw what we've got away. I will take the advice.

You and he are not in agreement about what he is 'throwing away'. Just because you want him doesn't mean he sees it that way. Imagine some other guy at uni who you don't want to be in a relationship with. Imagine if that guy got it into his head you and he should be together. Would that make you feel the same way? Of course it wouldn't. You might feel a bit sorry for him, but if he was persistent you'd just start to see him as a nuisance. Your friend will be feeling this way about you. You need to let it go.

You said "What's lacking is the romance bit. We have never been on a date and we don't kiss (he pulls away) and he doesn't say anything romantic"

You also say he didn't want to be physical with you but you instigate sex and he goes along with it. I'm not sure how you could be getting mixed messages from these very clear statements from him. He likes you, he enjoys your company and you are good friends but that's as far as it goes for him. He's been clear about that but you want more because you've fallen for him. Your relationship is not balanced and never will be. You will never be more than a friend to him so if this is hurting you, you need to gather all your strength and distance yourself from him because continuing this 'friends with benefits' scenario is too painful for you. Try to be kinder to yourself and seek friendship or love elsewhere with people who feel the same about you as you do about them.

Sorry, but he clearly wants to be friends and nothing more. He took sex when you offered it, but as you say he hasn't initiated. He told you friendship is what he wants.

You are there and his girlfriend isn't.
He wants a future with her and a friendship with you.
He isn't throwing anything away, he is going for what he wants out of life.

You need to listen to him, stop sleeping with him, and look elsewhere for a relationship.

Good luck!

And you used him, is it different when you use him?
You used him for sex, or you were giving it away to "make" him love you. If you used him, you are no better, if you gave it away, go get some counselling.

As far as I can see with what you've posted about what he has said, no, he gave you no false hope. He seems to have been incredibly honest in fact.

You cannot make him love you, we none of us can tell you why he did what he did, and it doesnt matter why. Knowing why wont change a thing.

Sex without kissing is what prostitutes do.

its a puzzlement at times

Honestly, it's quite nice to have someone fancy you. It's nice to have sex too. It doesn't mean you necessarily love or care about someone.

I feel mean to say it but I've led men who like me on in this way too, because it's nice to be wanted.

It doesn't mean he wants/loves you (and I mean this kindly, because it'll be easier for you to get over him once you realise this and meet someone worthy of you!).

Watch the film "he's just not that into you" it's great on describing these kind of scenarios.

I understand what you're saying and I know if a guy doesn't phone you or want to spend the night or live like you're in a relationship then it means he's not into you.

I was thrown off by how much time he was happy to spend with me (sometimes 24/7) and the way he seemed very comfortable with me sleeping in his bed every night for weeks.

I know there were other things that weren't what you'd expect but it didn't seem like he was after sex so I thought it was a deep connection. I couldn't understand why you'd give up the person you're with 24/7 for someone you're not even choosing to be with.

It isn't how I'd choose things so I've been confused and yes I loved him to bits and wanted us to be together but I was also prepared to walk away and he reeled me back.

He's definitely still in a relationship with this woman.

Honestly. You sound desperate on here, so to him you must have been singing it loudly. He didn't reel you back in, he messaged saying hi, and you kept popping back with no boundaries at all.

you're not listening to anyone at all.

I've done very similar to him in my past. Why, because it was easy and it passed the time, and I like cuddles. I even had some sex that I was meh about for it. And I kept telling him I didn't want a relationship, he just didn't listen.

Get some self respect and stop trying to fit your love story onto it. He was lonely, you made it easy. That's pretty much the end of it.

Spot on

Are you quite alright? Have you had a proper relationship before?

The man says he'd rather not see you than have a relationship, he doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't want to kiss you, tells you he loves someone else and you're saying you're getting mixed messages?

Stop pretending this is something it isn't
I'm the first to blast a guy for leading someone on. But he's been totally honest. He's not used you. He doesn't love you. Never will.

Get some self respect and stop throwing yourself at a man who doesn't want to be with you.

How long until he leaves? He may be telling you that he does, on reflection, love back home girl just to shake you lose. It may not even be true. But it doesn't matter. Nothing about back home girl matters.

He just might be starting the separation process with you, and since he has shown to be a bit of a people pleaser (having sex when he doesn't necessarily want to), he is probably trying to back out slowing without making you mad or creating drama.

This.

OP you keep asking why and ignoring the replies, then asking but why why why again.

He hasn't used you, he's told you straight up how things are, and you've ignored him (I'm seeing a theme here...) and created something in your own head instead.

I'm of a slightly different perspective insofar as I think he did give you confusing messages. For this reason "but he is happy to let me sleep over". And he kept calling you. So, yes, I think he sounds like a bit of a wanker. But it's irrelevant. He's clearly not relationship material (or at least relationship material for you), he might be into his girlfriend at home, he might not be. Either way, she doesn't matter. It honestly, doesn't matter, what he thinks, what he did, what he said. You need to stop obsessing. You're young and bright. Please, from someone older than you who has made the mistakes you've, get out and meet someone who deserves you and wants to commit to you properly. It's not this man. Fuck him.

I'm going to tell a story here that's going to make me look like a complete shit, because I was. I'm not proud of who I was at that stage of my life.

I met a girl from another country while travelling. I was instantly absolutely besotted with her, we spent about a month together before she went home, and I did too shortly after.

We did the long distance thing for a few months, and then we organised for her to come stay with me for a few months.

The thing was, I'd been seeing someone at home the entire time I'd been home. We'd been on dates, slept with each other repeatedly, spent a weekend away together. She knew about the long distance relationship, but she'd fancied me for years, and then properly started falling for me. I think she assumed I'd end the other relationship at some point.

I didn't feel anywhere near the same about local girl as I did about the long distance one. We had a lot of fun together, the sex was good, and most importantly she was round the corner instead of the end of a expensive long distance phone call. Had I just been seeing her, maybe it would have developed into something more. Instead, I dropped her like a ton of bricks a week before my proper relationship turned up.

You are local girl. You're convenient, you're nearby, you're there to fill an empty spot in his life. But he doesn't love you. He doesn't kiss you, doesn't initiate sex because he's convinced himself that that makes him slightly less guilty. But he's happy enough to let yourself throw yourself at him.

Ditch the twat, you deserve better. He's scum.