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Relationships

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Original poster

Do people always mean what they say?

100 replies

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 14:03

I met someone at university. We are studying together on our doctorates and he's here for a couple of years from his home country. We became really close friends which led to sex. I'm not even sure what it is, but we spend a lot of time together and I stay at his most nights so in my eyes that meant something and I thought we were a couple really.

What's lacking is the romance bit. We have never been on a date and we don't kiss (he pulls away) and he doesn't say anything romantic which I've found upsetting. I tried to stop seeing him a few times, but he'd text and ask what I was up to and I'd end up going over because I thought this was his way of admitting he felt romantically too. I asked outright and he said he really just wanted to be friends without the physical stuff, but he is happy to let me sleep over and the physical stuff continues.

He mentioned quite early that he had a girlfriend at home but they broke it off when he left as she wasn't keen on long distance and he didn't feel quite ready to fully commit and miss out on his placement. I thought if he really loved her, he surely wouldn't have made the choice to leave her behind and he's said quite often that he prefers living here. So I thought honestly that he'd stay and we'd end up a couple.

After a couple of months of sleeping together, I said I'd fallen for him and to just tell me where I stand. He said that he's only here for a couple of years and is going back home next year. I asked him why he was going back because he has said countless times he loves it here and he's been offered an amazing research job, and he said he realised he loved this other woman and wanted to go back for her.

We've been seperated all summer and I'll be seeing him for the first time again tomorrow and I'm just trying to understand why he'd spend every day and night with me, have sex, live a happy life with a fantastic job opportunity and then go home next year to be with this woman. If he loved her wouldn't he have just stayed with her to begin with? Why did he spend so much time with me if he didn't have feelings?

OP posts:

category12 · 24/09/2023 19:33

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 19:27

Well he's used me then. He knew I was in love with him and he gave me false hope

To be honest, I think you've mostly done it to yourself. You go over whenever you can, you hang out with him all the time, he only has to ask what you're up to and you're there, you don't expect dates or kisses or loving words, you initiate all the sex...

Mari9999 · 24/09/2023 19:35

@Peasofmind
He did not use you. He was perfectly clear tat e had no romantic feelings for you. If any used the other, it was you using sec to try to force him to change his stated feelings. He simply accepted that which you freely offered.

Neverseenthatmuchjunkinthetrunkbefore · 24/09/2023 19:37

Stop sleeping with him anymore. Don’t make a big deal of it, just stop. You are the one pushing the sex ( and the romance) agenda.

You are very young and have misunderstood the FWB/ booty call distinction.This man wants you to be his mate, buddy, bro. If that’s not what you want disengage and block, but stop weaving fantasies of everlasting ‘fantastic’ love. It’s far from fantastic.

GodDammitCecil · 24/09/2023 19:40

He hasn’t given you any encouragement, OP.

All the ‘encouragement’ has been you, believing him to feel more than he does.

He has been honest with you, but you’ve been ascribing him feelings that he doesn’t have.

You can keep doing that - keep giving yourself false hope.

But I don’t think it will make you happy.

5128gap · 24/09/2023 19:42

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 19:27

Well he's used me then. He knew I was in love with him and he gave me false hope

He used you for sex yes. But I think the false hope was generated by you. You decided that his friendship and willingness to have (cold) sex might lead to a relationship. When you told him you loved him he was honest about his plans.
Very few women would have seen hope for a future in this man's behaviour. You saw what you wanted to see not what he showed you.

Epidote · 24/09/2023 19:44

He is very clear, he sees you as temporary friend and entertainment. You are fully available for him and he just take it.
Your feelings doesn't let you see that but he is not into you because:

1- he doesn't kiss you
2- he doesn't say anything remotely romantic.
3- he told you he has/had a girlfriend.
4- he is looking forward to end his studies and move on to his country.
5- etc etc etc.

You are in love and looking for anything that may make you thinking he is into you but to me is pretty clear that his is not.

Original poster

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 19:58

I think if you have a close friend of the opposite sex and you go over to their for dinner and stuff then it feels like a romance beginning? I admit he didn't flirt but I invited him to do things and vice versa and he would often stay late at mine having a few drinks.

We had sex one night and then carried on most weeks so if he didn't want to have sex I don't know why he let me stay over. Yes he did say he didn't want the physical stuff but as I said I wanted all or nothing.

OP posts:

category12 · 24/09/2023 20:00

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 19:58

So to keep your companionship and friendship, he continued to have sex he didn't really want.

5128gap · 24/09/2023 20:01

Do you mean you told him that if you didn't have sex you didn't want to be friends?

Original poster

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:02

So to keep your companionship and friendship, he continued to have sex he didn't really want

Do people really think this is possible?

OP posts:

Original poster

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:04

Do you mean you told him that if you didn't have sex you didn't want to be friends?

I said I wanted a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship or no more contact at all. I would go no contact for a few days and then he'd send me a message asking what I was up to and we'd go back to how things were

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 24/09/2023 20:06

@Peasofmind
No OP. I think to keep whatever you imagined to be happening between the 2 of you, you provided sex.It was as simple as you offering and him accepting.

category12 · 24/09/2023 20:12

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:02

So to keep your companionship and friendship, he continued to have sex he didn't really want

Do people really think this is possible?

I think it's possible. There's this narrative than men always want sex, but why would he never initiate if he's into you that way?

He told you he didn't want the physical stuff,
he pulls away from kisses,
he tells you he just wants to be friends,
he offers no romance or dating,
he never initiates sex himself.

He's a foreign student for whom it seems you're the main source of companionship & friendship, so he may feel very much alone and that giving you some of what you wanted would keep you around.

Original poster

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:13

Why would someone say they didn't want to have sex with you but keep having it? I have fully admitted I instigated it but he was also very happy to do physical affection like spooning and sharing a bed.

OP posts:

Epidote · 24/09/2023 20:13

If you want all or nothing go for nothing.
The feelings will pass and you will be able to carry on with your life, otherwise you are stuck for two years.

gwenneh · 24/09/2023 20:14

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:13

Because they want sex, just not with you, but you're around and offering so you'll do.

Original poster

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:16

Fine fine

OP posts:

GodDammitCecil · 24/09/2023 20:19

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:13

Because he probably has a sense of guilt in relation to his home girlfriend (understandably!), and feels like he shouldn’t be sleeping with someone else - i.e. he doesn’t want to.

But he does it anyway, because it’s easy and right there, being offered up to him.

I’ve done that myself, back in the day! It’s very, very common when you’re young, free, meeting people, living life.

Is it right? No, it’s not. But it happens. Humans are fallible.

beachstones · 24/09/2023 20:19

I don't understand the ' do people mean what they say bit'. From your post he has done nothing to make you think he has any romantic attachment to you at all, and has acted entirely consistently as someone who is using you for sexual relief. He does not even kiss you. He does not have dates with you. He says nothing romantic. He appears to have behaved consistently and quite honestly, with his words (and lack of words) and behaviour entirely matching.

beachstones · 24/09/2023 20:30

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 18:54

I still think he just loves the fantasy of her or else he wouldn't have been happy with me here would he?

You sound really naive. Men who have have affairs are excellent at compartmentalising and can be very happy with each woman they are with, for the time they are with them. Even when they have multiple woman on the go.

Whether he loves her or not, the truth you need to accept is that he does not want you. He enjoyed your companionship at a time he was quite isolated. He did not turn down sex once you started it (most men won't). But he does not want a relationship with you and he has been clear about that.

You have lessons to learn here about your own boundaries and self-respect.

Original poster

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:30

So you think he might actually still be in a relationship with this ex and she doesn't know about me? Doesn't she have a right to know?

OP posts:

category12 · 24/09/2023 20:32

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:30

So you think he might actually still be in a relationship with this ex and she doesn't know about me? Doesn't she have a right to know?

Telling her won't make him love you.

beachstones · 24/09/2023 20:38

GodDammitCecil · 24/09/2023 20:19

Because he probably has a sense of guilt in relation to his home girlfriend (understandably!), and feels like he shouldn’t be sleeping with someone else - i.e. he doesn’t want to.

But he does it anyway, because it’s easy and right there, being offered up to him.

I’ve done that myself, back in the day! It’s very, very common when you’re young, free, meeting people, living life.

Is it right? No, it’s not. But it happens. Humans are fallible.

Show quote history

This. I agree with this. Of course he wants sex, most people do, but he feels guilty because he's in love with someone else. But he's also lonely and he wanted your companionship and did not want to lose that either.

No doubt he does love back home girl. But she wasn't there. He probably told himself he wasn't betraying her because you didn't kiss or date, and he kept sex to the most basic and mechanical he could I agree with this. He was giving you very clear signals that he was conflicted about having sex with you and was trying to take the intimacy out of the sex to ease that conflict he felt.

beachstones · 24/09/2023 20:40

Peasofmind · 24/09/2023 20:30

So you think he might actually still be in a relationship with this ex and she doesn't know about me? Doesn't she have a right to know?

He might be. They may have paused things whilst he was away. Whatever. You really should not interfere in this. In normal affair situations I am in favour of telling the spouse, but this is not one of those cases and you don't even know what the situation is here. Keep out of it.

Mountaineer0009 · 24/09/2023 20:42

part of it i guess is sometimes it depends on a persons interpretation of the words they use, how they mean them and how the other person thinks the person means them

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