I want to end it all because my kids won't talk to me

[solonelyandsad0]

Sorry this came out long. TLDR - My children ignore me to the point of making me suicidal. I have friends but I feel like I don't have a family in spite of having two children at home.

If you want to read on, here it is:

I have posted about this before. I have two daughters, age 22 and 16. Both live at home but they are like lodgers. I know this is common for their age, but this is extreme. I am divorced from their dad and they don't have a relationship with him or see him much. I am not in or looking for a relationship as it's only been a few years and I'm not interested at the moment.

I was a normal mother to them and spent time and attention on them as children (SAHM) and had a good and close relationship as early teens too. But now they only come down for meals and then go to their rooms and they will never say a word even in the car when I'm driving them somewhere. They will have a (short) conversation if it benefits them (asking for something, wanting to know about something etc) but nothing else. I dread the weekends because they are home and ignoring me and I'm downstairs all alone for two days. I truly dread it and start trembling from Friday. I'm lucky if I get to speak a few words all weekend. They don't want to watch anything together anymore or go anywhere or do anything however much I suggest.

I have friends and interests and I do social events on weeknights (not weekends as everyone's busy with their families). If my kids are out with friends etc. on a Saturday or Sunday I don't feel lonely at all, I get on with my day without any heaviness in me. It's only when they're home and ignoring me.

If I organise something involving money (the theatre and meals out in London, overseas trips that I've frankly spent too much money on) they're ever ready to come. They act fairly normal then, not as if they despise me. But I'm so tired of having to pay money for their attention. It's not that I think they don't love me generally, but they don't really care about me on a day to day basis and wouldn't notice if I just disappeared. I so want to die but even then I feel like shit because of the wellbeing of the two people who don't even want me there. I have taken to going out all weekend and staying in shops and car parks (till the free parking runs out, then move to another) till 9pm just so I don't have to face my loneliness at home.

Make an urgent appointment with your GP.

I think you are going to get replies to your thread telling you that there is no evidence at all that your daughters hate you and everything sounds relatively normal.

The question remains as to why you are interpreting normal behaviour in this way. I think at the very least you would benefit from talking this through with a therapist, and doing that quick smart. Somehow your perceptions have been skewed, you need some specialist support to work out how and why.

Not blaming you at all - but I wonder if you're girls are feeling that heaviness you're describing and find it a bit overwhelming to cope with?
You mention you've split up recently? Perhaps they are having trouble knowing how to deal with your sadness?
Sending you love and I hope you can start getting the girls to do free stuff. Even a walk to a local cafe for a coffee might be a start, keeping the convo light. Mention that it will be good for your mental health to get out for a walk and you'd love some (their) company ?

They sound quite self absorbed. Do they know how you feel? Have you had a conversation about it?
They need to come up with a very good reason for treating you so badly. For the 22 year old, I would suggest that she either participates in normal family life, or finds herself somewhere else to live.

I would ask the 22 year old to find elsewhere to live

I dont think this sounds particularly unusual for their ages im afraid OP. I think a lot of teens/young adults living at home are similar.

I think it would be best to make plans for your weekends and just live your life without relying on them for weekend socialising.

if you're having suicidal thoughts then you need to make an emergency appointment with your health are provider. It's nothing to do with your children and they should not be expected to help you - nor they are able to

Make an urgent GP appointment.

Are you receiving any mental health support? Id suggest talking therapy and medication are jointly considered, if offered by your GP

Use this webpage:

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

Especially if you start to think about how you might act on your suicidal thoughts.

They definitely sound self centered but it's not their job to entertain you. Please see a GP and join clubs/socialise outside of the home.

Are they interacting with each other or are they in their own rooms?

I'm afraid I was similar at that age when home from university. I think they need to leave home and come back before they appreciate you. I can see why it must be oppressive and feel like they hate you, it's more that they don't see the point in parents at that age. You may end up with a great relationship with them in the future.

Has the 22 year old got a job? Maybe you could encourage her to move out, get a lodger in her room which might be more company.

It sounds very joyless and I am sorry to hear how stressed it's making you.

Take yourself away for the weekend? Go for a coffee somewhere with a good book? Join a local group that does something at weekends rather than your friends who are only available during the week - round me there are environmental groups crying out for volunteers, ditto visiting the elderly, rambling etc. I think your daughters possibly need to see you as an individual where they're not the centre of your world and where you have something to discuss/talk about. But I agree with PPs that suicidal thoughts need addressing with your doctor and never forget Samaritans.

By the time they're that age, I wouldn't have any expectations of them to do much more with you than you describe, especially not the older one. Your reaction to them - seeing it as ignoring you rather than them doing their thing - sounds very worrying, especially the trembling and the dread. Have you seen a GP? Are you on anything for anxiety or even just for peri/menopause as that could be amping things up to this very distressing level? I know you said you were a SAHM but are you working now? If not, could you look into doing so? Feels like you've put a lot into your mothering persona and need to replace it with something equally absorbing so you have more identity/purpose without them. Can you get some counselling too? Hopefully if your physical/medical issues can be addressed then it would also help to reframe things through talking. I'm no therapist, but feels like there's a way to see your DCs independence as an achievement for your parenting, that they've built their own lives and need you much less, which is the whole point longer term. Maybe it would help if the older one moved out - any idea when that might be happening? Then you wouldn't have this tension in the house.

But short-term, definitely see your GP. Wanting to end it all is very troubling. Have you talked to your friends IRL about this too? They might be more available to socialise at the weekend if they knew how you were struggling.

I will quite happily swap you with my 4 year old daughter who never stops talking every weekend with yours 😂 however on a serious note this does sound like normal behaviour, 22 year old should be focused on career and moving out. If you do feel so so low about it ring gp and have a chat about how you are feeling 💐 xx

I totally get you. Except mine is empty nest as they have decided to live with their dad having just finished Uni. I hate the silence and the loneliness. They will only see me if I'm taking them out for a meal out or shopping or a short break. When they are with me at home they don't talk to me either. I am having trauma therapy and I confessed to the psychologist that I spend all day and evening out just driving around or sitting in car park as I cant bear to me home alone. PM me OP if you like .

Erm me and my other 3 siblings were like this as you grow and make your own way. Didn't mean we hated our parents in any way. We just grew up I guess. Now I'm older and have my own home and kids my relationship with my mum is amazing and now she's my best friend

please OP get some support - family relationships are mysterious things especially for deep thinkers/feelers and how we interpret other people's behaviour is very rarely accurate.
i also think society presents a view that parents and children- but especially mothers and daughters- should have very fulfilling close relationships. this idealism - and the underlying myth that women should be emotionally fulfilled in their relationship with their children-is not the rule in my personal experience
of many families i know. I think a really important part of them growing up is separating from you but this is a process not a destination. and you are in the midst of this separation which is a healthy sign that you have created psychological independent children. I would say that i am the closest i have been to my parents both now in my 50's and that is very fulfilling in mid life, but i did have to separate from
them in my teens and up to my mid 30's. the process of leaving home is psychological not just physical. get support and nurture yourself through what you enjoy for you- not them. go to things on your own if need be and be proud to do so. model the selfcare you would want your daughters
to have for themselves when they are older. I feel that often it is easier for children of that age to feel they can be closer to you when they subconsciously feel that you don't need /rely on them to sustain you emotionally. the fear that your
need for them will suffocate their ability to grow away from you healthily can subconsciously make them fear getting close to you. Don't despair - you are a strong person for reaching
out on this thread so reach out in real like to your GP or counsellor or a wise kind friend. all love

Are there no set family meal times (that could then be shared out equally for the prep)? Pretty normal for older kids to disappear to their rooms outside of them, but there should be a time and space for everyone to gather. How do your daughters even feed themselves, and who pays for it?

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Hi @solonelyandsad0
I just read your post, i'm so sorry you're going through this.
I've had times when i was living at home where we'd go weeks not talking at all. My life revolved around my family so when we weren't talking i didn't know what to do with myself. Slowly overtime i started to create my own happiness. I started looking after me, my wellbeing, what made me happy, what can i do for myself. I got to the point where when we did start talking again it felt different, not like a sigh of relief that we're talking again but oh ok, all good but i have made my own happy place.
I think see this as a time to start focusing on your happiness. Please don't feel down, please, i understand how you feel, please do what makes you happy especially on the weekends, plan ahead, gym, cooking, hair, nails, juice some healthy veg drinks, learn a language, anything that makes you happy. Sending you hugs xx ❤

Do they know you feel like that? Do they see you upset etc? Might be helpful for them to, I’m sure they have a heart and would spend time with you if they knew you really needed it. Failing that, they will probably come back to you in mid 20s or so. I was a horrible teenager but wouldn’t want to see my mum upset even if it was super awkward to address it, and me moving out did make us get on better.

Thank you everyone for all replies. Many thanks to @Woush for the link. I definitely do need help. I contacted SHOUT last night but they were very busy and took ages to reply and I didn't see it till this morning.

I can fully accept that my perception might be skewed because of my sadness. Or that the girls are sensing my heaviness like someone suggested. I will reply to questions now

have you tried suggesting one or both cook?
get into television programmes together?
be unavailable sometimes?

I'm always suggesting walks or a board game or watching a match or tv show but they don't want to. They'd watch the same thing on their devices alone. They don't interact much with each other either.

@blahblahblah1654 I don't want to be entertained, just acknowledged as a human being. As it stands, I'm just the housekeeper who cooks the meals and keeps the household running. No one would treat a paid helper like this

I agree with other posters that are saying this behaviour isn't necessarily extreme. Obviously I'm not an observer in your home but it's quite normal for children that age to disengage and prioritise their own social life and interests. Think of Kevin the Teenager (Kathy Burke). It's also normal to want to be around positive people and avoid negativity, which could explain the change in their behavior when eg your on holiday or the theatre, apposed to moping around at the weekend.
Trembling and wanting to kill yourself is not normal. I'd go as far as to say you're having a mental health crisis and your girls are out of their depth.
Please seek medical help ASAP. It might take a while to get the clinical input you need so in the meantime talk or text things through with a charity like The Samaritans. You might feel wretched atm but it won't always be this way.
Samaritans 116123
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