I want to end it all because my kids won't talk to me

[solonelyandsad0]

Sorry this came out long. TLDR - My children ignore me to the point of making me suicidal. I have friends but I feel like I don't have a family in spite of having two children at home.

If you want to read on, here it is:

I have posted about this before. I have two daughters, age 22 and 16. Both live at home but they are like lodgers. I know this is common for their age, but this is extreme. I am divorced from their dad and they don't have a relationship with him or see him much. I am not in or looking for a relationship as it's only been a few years and I'm not interested at the moment.

I was a normal mother to them and spent time and attention on them as children (SAHM) and had a good and close relationship as early teens too. But now they only come down for meals and then go to their rooms and they will never say a word even in the car when I'm driving them somewhere. They will have a (short) conversation if it benefits them (asking for something, wanting to know about something etc) but nothing else. I dread the weekends because they are home and ignoring me and I'm downstairs all alone for two days. I truly dread it and start trembling from Friday. I'm lucky if I get to speak a few words all weekend. They don't want to watch anything together anymore or go anywhere or do anything however much I suggest.

I have friends and interests and I do social events on weeknights (not weekends as everyone's busy with their families). If my kids are out with friends etc. on a Saturday or Sunday I don't feel lonely at all, I get on with my day without any heaviness in me. It's only when they're home and ignoring me.

If I organise something involving money (the theatre and meals out in London, overseas trips that I've frankly spent too much money on) they're ever ready to come. They act fairly normal then, not as if they despise me. But I'm so tired of having to pay money for their attention. It's not that I think they don't love me generally, but they don't really care about me on a day to day basis and wouldn't notice if I just disappeared. I so want to die but even then I feel like shit because of the wellbeing of the two people who don't even want me there. I have taken to going out all weekend and staying in shops and car parks (till the free parking runs out, then move to another) till 9pm just so I don't have to face my loneliness at home.

I'm not a SAHM, that was when they were younger. I have a successful career and many people think I'm super fulfilled because on the surface it seems like it. One of my closest friends was really shocked when I told her how I felt. This is something I'm ashamed of, if that makes sense. As if I've failed in life on a very basic level.

Some of these replies are making me cry (in a good way). I am so grateful for the people taking time out of their Sunday to talk to me and make me see some light

If you imagine they were both living away from home - at uni or in a houseshare with their first jobs. What would you like your relationship to look like then? Coffee and cake once a month? A phone call once a week?
This is kind of how young adulthood works. You pull away from your parents. Often it lasts quite a while and then something later in life make you want your family closer again. I emailed my mum once a week at uni. I think. Maybe she emailed me once a week and mostly I replied? I started calling home much more often and having much more contact with my parents again when I was pregnant with my first child.
So you feel a bit ignored because your kids are pulling away but also still in your house. I would try to instigate or continue a nice little outing together. Coffee works well. Not every week. Get them more involved in cooking for everyone and being responsible for their own cleaning and laundry if they aren’t already doing it.
Maybe you are ready for some more socializing on your own? I know you see friends on weeknights but I think you need to add something new and exciting. If dating doesn’t appeal could you join a class or a club? Maybe something like a women’s rambling club where you get to go out on an activity at weekends? Or a Saturday morning pilates class? Or learn a new skill. Night school pottery class? Stitch and bitch group? Park run? Amateur Dramatics club? It doesn’t matter what it is. Just something you think you’ll enjoy that fits your work schedule and budget and is a just a new thing to think about with some new people to meet. It doesn’t even matter if you try it and hate it. You’re just trying to add in something new to your life to give yourself something new and positive to think about and spend time and energy on.

I dont know if this will help or not but I remember when I was 17 my dad saying to me
" you only call me when you want something "
And me being genuinely confused as to why else I would phone him! I couldn't understand what he was on about, why would I phone him other than for a lift or money.
Within a couple of years I'd come round and could see how selfish I'd been and thankfully spent plenty of time with him and wanting to just spend time with him before he died when I was 29.
I do think the behaviour you're describing is normal though of course upsetting.

I have tried all three.

1. They'll eat something very basic which eldest will put together
2. They always say no
3. They don't notice

Yes this, and in the meantime give your GP a ring on Monday as you sound quite depressed.

PerspiringElizabeth · Today 11:31

Do they know you feel like that? Do they see you upset etc? Might be helpful for them to, I’m sure they have a heart and would spend time with you if they knew you really needed it. Failing that, they will probably come back to you in mid 20s or so. I was a horrible teenager but wouldn’t want to see my mum upset even if it was super awkward to address it, and me moving out did make us get on better. Edited”

No, OP really shouldn’t be loading her mental health problems on her daughters, certainly not a 16 year old. She needs professional help.

The older one does have a job. Quite a well paying job in the city actually, she's saving money for a house deposit to move out.

It’s really tough but I think you’re taking it way too personally and expecting a lot socially and emotionally from your daughters. They need to separate from you and figure out their own identities and right now that doesn’t involve things you used to do when they were little, like board games for example.

It’s actually natural to pull away like this because they are transitioning to being independent adults. There is also a lot of pressure emotionally in your posts - I know you feel bad but I felt claustrophobic just reading them, you sound way too emotionally enmeshed with them and the time they spend with you.

You were a SAHM with them and also a single parent - do you work now? It sounds like you had a little unit all three of you and were very close - but you really need to let them go a bit emotionally. They don’t sound like horrible young women but avoiding you and doing their own thing can be a way to disentangle from a relationship that’s too emotionally close / enmeshed.

The fact that you feel suicidal because of this really does make it seem like the emotional intensity and expectations of them as company and emotional support / validation for you have been way too high.

I get it as i’m a single mum myself and it’s easy to slip into being this little unit - because you only have each other really. But your role as a parent is to get your kids independent of you and accept this requires a degree of severance. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, or they will always be distant. Let them have their space and tackle how personally you are taking this and I bet things improve when there is not so much emotional pressure.

You haven’t failed at all. It sounds like you’ve raised well adjusted independent girls who are ready to launch into adulthood and independence. The fact they still live a home because economics dictates it’s necessary/youngest is still finishing her education doesn’t mean they aren’t emotionally ready to fly.
They call when they need you and it feels transactional, but young adults who have family to rely on like that have a much easier time materially but also mentally than young adults who don’t have that safety net. It feels like they take you for granted but actually it shows they know you are there for them still. This will be impacting choices they make in a good way. They won’t stay in a shit situation with work or relationships because they know you are there.

A few suggestions OP: first up visit your GP and get an antidepressant. Then as you start feeling a bit stronger, start focusing on building your life for when they leave. You might want to downscale your home for a fresh start (and in the process tell the 22 year old that she will be moving out). Maybe go on a holiday for singles - not to meet a romantic connection but to make friends with some likeminded people who you can maybe travel together with for weekends away. Also start going away for weekends to visit relatives etc and just leave the DC with some cash and no food so they have to actually make some sort of effort and buy it and cook it themselves. And stop spending money on them in the hope that they will be affectionate - that’s just bad for your dignity. You are at a stage of life that many people find difficult- be kind to yourself as the first priority.

Sorry X post with you saying you have a career now. That’s good - but maybe career and friends are not giving you something emotionally that you once filled with the parenting dynamics?

Really? How will that help?

The 16 year old is at the height of being self absorbed. It’s what they do.

Relationships with adult children are different- dynamics change and it won’t happen overnight.
Try and do some regular, fun activities with them- let them choose too.
Relationships never stop evolving so they can always improve

Stitch and bitch made me laugh 😂I didn't know it was a thing. Thank you @PercytheParkKeepershedgehog for your replies. I did join Meetup and joined a group there and had a good time at the meeting. You're so right and thank you for being so lovely

Yes to looking into organized group holidays. There are lots of people who can’t holiday as a family because they are single and at your life stay or because their partner’s are not interested in travel. Something with the same group of people doing something semi organized could be lovely. Smaller vessel cruises can work well. Or retreats/weekends for anything you happen to be interested in. Something with an objective can be good so a group walking tour of Hadrians wall or similar gives everyone a common talking point and goal.

This is exactly it. There is a hole where my family should be.

Agree with others that you need to get some help but from an outsiders perspective:
I'm downstairs all alone for two days - This is a lot of your problem. You are so focused on the attention you are not getting from your DC it is all consuming. Yes, your friends maybe busy on weekends but are there any hobbies or interests which can keep you busy? Join ramblers, volunteer somewhere, take up a sport etc. Try the Meetup app/webpage.

Your teens are at that unsociable age. yes, they should be contributing to the household tasks and making more of an effort but that is teens for you. Stop taking them away and when they start to be more communicative and appreciative of you then they can join you on trips etc.

You mentioned friends, but do you have any family around (other than your DDs)?
Also, if your friends have DC the same age as yours, you might be surprised if you ask them to do something at the weekend as they won’t be wrapped up being needed by DC in the same way.

Are you going through menopause? That has a profound affect- medication might help you if so.

A couple of other thoughts - have you asked them to do things together as a family of 3, or 1-1 with you? If they don’t get on amazingly with each other it might be easier to get 1-1 time and activities that are more tailored to each of their interests.

I understand what you're saying but please speak to your GP. My DD16 has been awful to me and I posted yesterday about how upset I was that she didn't help me or show any concern when I had a heavy fall while out with her. She is mostly obnoxious and unpleasant and I need to address that. However, at no point have I felt like ending it. I do have the support of DH though so I understand it's harder if you're on your own.
I do suggest film nights, activities etc but they mostly say No unless it's a special (costly) activity like theatre.
As my two DC (DD16 and DD15) are doing their own thing more I have joined a gym, a book club and a walking group. It doesn't fully fill my time but I'm meeting people and having conversations.
I hope it gets better for you and I'm sure as your DDs get older you'll have a sociable relationship with them.

I'm sorry to read hear that so many people or their children are similar to yours. I find this behaviour quite shocking.

I think you should def make an appointment with your gp and perhaps spend the money you would otherwise spend on them on some cbt therapy.

If you feel happy during the week then you need to do more things like your weekdays but at the weekend. Don't just hang around car parks, plan actual activities such as gym classes, coffee or lunch in a nice place, a trip to a museum etc.

I'm sorry that your children are being so mean.

Do you think the divorce triggered some of this behaviour, children at whatever age go through a sense of loss and it's difficult for them to understand and express.

Are there feelings of shame on your part, regardless of who was the injured party in the marriage, children have a habit of aportioning blame, do you feel judged by them ?

Are you in a different home, were circumstances changed, they obviously don't see their father now, no one knows what your specific circumstances are but their feelings and yours are probably wrapped up with the added change of them becoming adults and becoming independant beings, if not yet financially, but emotionally.

I think you need to tell them how they're behaviour is affecting you.

It being a normal part of growing up isn't an excuse, they need to learn how they're behaviour and attitudes affect others.

Basic consideration, respect and manners for other people is essential and they need to learn that.

My ex used to say a lot how he felt alone at home. It was due to severe depression, and as others have said here, it unfortunately becomes a vicious circle - it caused such a heavy atmosphere that even our youngest DC would stop seeking him out. I'd try a lot more, but after a point had to disconnect for my own sanity, and he felt really looking for the kids and family experience, not just me. That's also the nature of severe depression - it can make the sufferer latch onto a cause that isn't necessarily the right one. When we did spend time together, we'd ultimately get it 'wrong' and make it worse.

Once he took antidepressants and got counselling, it improved hugely and become self-reinforcing - the kids wanted to spend much more time with him etc. At your children's ages they'll likely stay more self-absorbed for a bit, but if you feel better about it, you'll be in a much better position to make your own entertainment or set some more expectations about spending a bit more family time together.

Sorry to hear you're going through this op. My teens are similar and it can be heartbreaking. My daughter has started engaging with me more now but I've had to let it occur naturally. Son is very very quiet but that's just his personality. He doesn't see the point in talking for the sake of talking! I have felt pretty lonely since they became teenagers though.

I second what others say about groups at the weekend. I got sick of flaky friends not committing and my H doesn't have the same interests as me so I joined a hiking group and love it. Everyone who joins does so single as in not with friends or partner, so it's a really nice non cliquey vibe. I'm going on a walking holiday next year as, again I got sick of friends indicating they wanted to go away then never sorting anything out.

Please find something to do at the weekend rather than sitting in car parks, for the sake of your own mental health.

As the parent of 5 children ( the youngest 18) this does not sound like a normal dynamic at all.It is a family home not student digs.
Do you ever go up to their rooms and chat ?
I think the idea of a meal prep rota is a good one Each one does it with you alternate days.

They need to come up with a very good reason for treating you so badly. For the 22 year old, I would suggest that she either participates in normal family life, or finds herself somewhere else to live

By the time I was 22 my mother had made it very clear to me that my company wasn't required and she preferred sitting drinking with her DM - so I didn't inflict my company on her. They were obnoxious drunks, as well, which made avoiding their company a lot easier.

OP's daughters may well be picking up on her depression, not know what to do about it and are avoiding her for that reason. Plus a 16 year old being self-absorbed is pretty much in the job description for 16 year olds, isn't it?