I want to end it all because my kids won't talk to me

[solonelyandsad0]

Sorry this came out long. TLDR - My children ignore me to the point of making me suicidal. I have friends but I feel like I don't have a family in spite of having two children at home.

If you want to read on, here it is:

I have posted about this before. I have two daughters, age 22 and 16. Both live at home but they are like lodgers. I know this is common for their age, but this is extreme. I am divorced from their dad and they don't have a relationship with him or see him much. I am not in or looking for a relationship as it's only been a few years and I'm not interested at the moment.

I was a normal mother to them and spent time and attention on them as children (SAHM) and had a good and close relationship as early teens too. But now they only come down for meals and then go to their rooms and they will never say a word even in the car when I'm driving them somewhere. They will have a (short) conversation if it benefits them (asking for something, wanting to know about something etc) but nothing else. I dread the weekends because they are home and ignoring me and I'm downstairs all alone for two days. I truly dread it and start trembling from Friday. I'm lucky if I get to speak a few words all weekend. They don't want to watch anything together anymore or go anywhere or do anything however much I suggest.

I have friends and interests and I do social events on weeknights (not weekends as everyone's busy with their families). If my kids are out with friends etc. on a Saturday or Sunday I don't feel lonely at all, I get on with my day without any heaviness in me. It's only when they're home and ignoring me.

If I organise something involving money (the theatre and meals out in London, overseas trips that I've frankly spent too much money on) they're ever ready to come. They act fairly normal then, not as if they despise me. But I'm so tired of having to pay money for their attention. It's not that I think they don't love me generally, but they don't really care about me on a day to day basis and wouldn't notice if I just disappeared. I so want to die but even then I feel like shit because of the wellbeing of the two people who don't even want me there. I have taken to going out all weekend and staying in shops and car parks (till the free parking runs out, then move to another) till 9pm just so I don't have to face my loneliness at home.

OK. Deep breaths. Yes to seeing the doctor, ask for some talking therapies and meds if you want them.

I absolutely accept and believe that your daughters are treating you like shit. No matter what led to that situation, it is intolerable, and yet because they have nowhere else to live and you are their mum, you seem to be stuck with it. Do they have aunts/grandparents who might take them in?

Don't beat yourself up about whatever led to this situation. Certainly don't blame yourself. In years to come when you and they are in secure places emotionally, you might want to explore that. Now is not the time. If they come to you with 'You did this! You did that!' look them in the eye and say 'I did my absolute best.' Don't apologise for anything. Look up 'grey rock'. Have your stock answers ready, and use them. Build a 'wall' around your inner self. You can protect yourself against them, that isn't wrong.

The 'hole where your family should be' needs filling. I'd question the 'should', by the way. Who says it 'should'? Is it a media-enforced image of a perfect family? People are as they are. Some will make Waltons-type families (tv series, 'Goodnight JohnBoy') and the majority won't. Back to the filling. Fill it with you. Physical self care - gym, walks, long baths, favourite music, favourite food, theatre, concerts, take the opportunity to go out with colleagues if that arises, join clubs, go to classes.

STOP organising activities (even expensive ones you think they'll go along with) and certainly don't suggest board games. Don't ask to spend time with them. Your daughters are women. They have their own interests. They have grown up and naturally have distanced themselves from their mother, ready to leave the nest. A lot of young people become intolerable to live with - I think it's nature's way of getting us ready to let them go. I counted the days to my beloved daughter leaving for university. I never loved anyone more, or as much, and that's the same today when she's in her forties, but we don't want to live together! One of the things she said to me along the way was 'I can't be your whole world!' That's true. They are your world as children, they have to be to survive. But when they're grown they need the space to be themselves and we as mothers have to find ways to entertain ourselves and fill that gap.

It can be done. I promise.

Start acting as if everything is fine. They aren't going to be around for a special meal? Fine. They don't want to come to a special event? Fine. When you say it often enough, it becomes reality. It really is fine, and you and your daughters can relate to each other as adults.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, I would also be upset.

I think it sounds pretty normal for a 16 year old, but at 22 years old I would expect better.

When I was that age I lived with my dad (divorced parents) and I never just went and sat in my room or ignored him. My room was for bedtime but apart from that we’d be chilling out downstairs together just chatting, cooking together, watching films together, we’d go out for something to eat or go to the cinema etc. Most of my friends who lived with their parents at that age were very similar.

I agree that you need some kind of support if you are having suicidal thoughts, but you are totally justified to feel the way you do. I would feel very hurt in your position 😢

I think you need to stop doing things for them. They don't appreciate you and are just taking you for granted. It is a selfish age and often they need to fly the nest before they appreciate all you have done. Tbh I was never a SAHM though and maybe working would give you a sense of self respect and confidence to do things on your own. See your GP re suicidal thoughts. You cannot blame that alone on your daughters though. Maybe you need some counselling or talk therapy.

Ok I have just read you have a successful career so you are not a failure. There comes a point when actions of children are not down to you. You need to prioritise your own mental health. If you are coming across as needy your girls may struggle to cope so maybe they are avoiding you because of that. They are effectively still children or very young adults so are not qualified to deal with someone with mental health problems. See your GP urgently

Why on Earth do you think this would help? The OP is struggling with the lack of interaction with her daughters, and you're suggesting she distances herself completely unnecessarily?!

This place is baffling sometimes 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry to read hear that so many people or their children are similar to yours. I find this behaviour quite shocking.

I hope people who behave like this towards their parents when they are young adults don't later complain because their parents have their own lives and aren't constantly wanting to see their grandchildren and aren't available for childcare.

I think you have to face up to the sense of loss you are experiencing, and the deep sense of loneliness that is so painful for you to endure.

Your marriage has ended just at the moment you needed extra emotional support. Your dds have pulled away and are living independent lives.

Your reaction to this is desperate and so deeply sad to read. It almost reads like abandonment and I wonder if there is a deeper trigger for something in your childhood? You urgently need to get support today for your suicidal feelings. I hope you are doing that now op.

Their silent treatment of you seems like abuse to me, they say absolutely nothing to you? Do they greet you even? If they dont even greet you, then I think it’s time to sit down and tell them how this makes you feel, and perhaps it’s time they moved out unless they can treat you with respect and kindness. You are not asking for a great deal. Civil behaviour.

I do feel you need to stop looking to them for games, TV shows and entertainment. It doesn’t sound like they are at that stage anymore. My dc are not either. It’s a shame but they can choose how they spend their time.

Try and book a Saturday night out with friends, they will make time for this if you tell them how you feel. I would make the weekends more fun, so the loneliness is minimised.

I am sorry you are struggling. This too will pass op.

I have two sons in their early twenties, both live at home, both have girlfriend's and jobs and I dont see an awful lot of them. However they do ask how I am and spend time talking to me. We also made an effort to go our for drinks every now and then.
Do you take an interest in their lives, like asking them how rheur day has been ? are you coming on too strong in terms of forcing effort for bigger things ?
I think build it up slowly, take baby steps explain how you are feeling but dont expect to live your life through them.
I hope you can get sone support through this time.

I hope people who behave like this towards their parents when they are young adults don't later complain because their parents have their own lives and aren't constantly wanting to see their grandchildren and aren't available for childcare

Well, I can say I didn't because a) DM pushed off to Australia when I was in my 30s and b) I didn't have children anyway. When she complained after her DM died that she was lonely both me and DBs urged her to get out and do things and she refused to even contemplate it. I'd have LOVED her to have had her own life.

Sorry, does that not quite fit your snide narrative?

I would tell them how it's making you feel and tell them you want to be their mum again ❤️
I'm sure they will understand. I think the longer it goes on the worse it will get. Nip it in the bud now.
I really wish you well and happiness x

I think when we devote so much of ourselves to our families - in your case your marriage and dds and everything you do is for them it’s going to hurt when it comes to an end. It’s going to leave a gaping hole. We raise our families expecting them always to be permanent and immovable, the one thing that can always be relied on - a source of love, support and shelter from life. It’s only natural you are going to feel devastated by the loss/changes to that unit.

A new loving network needs to be built somehow, so this feeling of love and belonging returns. The old one no longer works so now it’s time to look to the future for fulfilment and happiness elsewhere in other forms. Maybe volunteering at the weekends with people that are grateful for your presence.

22year old is being far too rude to be allowed to carry on living there. It sounds like you might feel a lot better if you didn't have adults living with you but ignoring you habitually.

^^ I think this is really a great post and great advice.

I’m so sorry you are feeling so low op. I think you definitely should reach out for some help to your gp and access some talking therapy (go to a private licensed psychologist if you can find a good one near you and can manage the financial commitment) and get some support. Get your hormones checked out too because menopause can play havoc with one’s mood, motivation and stress levels.

I’m not qualified in any way to judge this but I think you may be suffering from some sort of complex grief whereby your expectations of how you imagined your life would be now, are in reality very different.

First though, I want to congratulate you on raising two completely “normal* averagely selfish young women! It’s a great sign that your dds are averagely self-absorbed and want to individuate from you. This demonstrates that you have given them roots and wings and the confidence to develop in to young adults. And that’s exactly as it should be. What’s more, you have done this entirely alone without the help of a dp or dh which is a huge achievement, so give yourself lots of credit for that.

Please, please remember that what you perceive as their hurtfulness and neglect towards you is NOT in anyway personal, although it really feels at times as though it is. Teenage brains are incapable of fully perceiving the effect that they are having on others.

This is a time when they are focused on themselves and their “tribe” and parents become more distant and this mechanism is self protective at a time when they are traditionally exploring more of the world. They also perceive other people’s interactions with them as more negative than they are in reality and again this is designed to keep them safe.

Please read some of Lisa Damour’s books on raising teen dds and listen to her podcasts. I found them very helpful.

This is a really lonely time for you and I think you have put so much drive, worry, effort and energy in to facilitating the lives of your girls’ , now that it appears that they need you a little less, you are at a loss.

I don’t wish to sound unkind but I think realistically, this situation is not going to change in the sense that your dds are eventually going to go out in the world and form other primary relationships, although of course in the short term it WILL change as they become less selfish and they will eventually become your friends again, but I think you are expecting too much of them if you expect them to be there for you in the same way that you are there for them.

Sorry to be blunt but it’s not fair on dc to expect that of them. They need to be free to go and forge their own lives without worrying about us. It’s in no way their responsibility to make us happy. We have to try our best to do that for ourselves. And it’s not easy because we are not the same people we were when we gave birth.

Can you try and invest some of that energy and care that you poured in to your dc towards yourself op? First of all, make time to ensure that you eat and exercise and sleep well.

And can you try and reframe this situation in your own head, that life is all about change and moving on and reinventing ourselves at different stages of life? You probably haven’t had time between working and child-rearing to work out properly who you are NOW. Have you ever lived alone for example? Do you have any interests that you would like to pursue properly now that you have the freedom to do so? You need to find a new sense of purpose whether that be creative, or altruistic or something else?

Once your mh is better, and you feel less anxiety about the future, you may begin to appreciate the freedom that is now available to you. At the moment though you feel a bit lost and lonely and I think that is the experience of many parents of teens. It’s very normal to talk to other parents about the stress of raising toddlers for example. But few parents talk about the difficulties of raising teens and young adults because they are more protective of their children’s privacy at this age.

My main point though op is that although it may appear like you are alone, you definitely are not. Lots of parents are going through the same thing. And this situation is not permanent. Your daughters will mature and the dynamic of your relationships with them will change and improve. And your current mood can change too. Our brains have significant built-in plasticity. So please do not seek a permanent solution for what is very much a temporary phase that will change in a flash! Your dd’s will always need need you and you very much deserve to have a fulfilling and contented life post parenting!

Hang in there op. Please reach out for help. Everyone needs help from time to time and there is no shame in that. Sending lots of strength xx

So sorry you’re feeling like this and agree with pps that it sounds like you need professional help.

A few other thoughts, that may, or may not be helpful from someone with DCs between your two in age who also spend most of their time in their rooms.
this year we’ve started getting a meal delivery c 3 x a week (hello fresh/gousto Type thing). They like choosing what to get and unexpectedly also enjoy cooking the meals, which has given us a point of connection, and it seems to suit them as a way of learning to cook quite independently. We find two portions stretch to 3 for us, and no waste so not that expensive. Any spare, as it’s hard to predict who’s in when, is ok for leftovers.

Re stuff to do at weekends, I’m sure it’s hard to feel motivated when you’re feeling low, but maybe your friends are not as busy with their families as you might think at weekends. If you suggest a meal out or a film on a weekend evening they might be happy to go. And friends with dogs will probably almost always be up for a walk, maybe go somewhere different and combine with coffee.

Maybe you could do some weekends away to friends or family in other parts of the country, or a weekend course in something, or weekend away with friends.

I sometimes feel i almost need to relearn how to live and spend my time now that the intense phase of motherhood is more or less over. I also felt that covid took away the last couple of years when we would have done things together. I wasn’t done sharing the world with them but by the time the world opened up they didn’t want to do all the things that I’d had to cancel etc. All of that combined with the ending of your relationship sounds like a lot to adjust to. It is good and normal that they’re independent and pull away from us, but can be bruising at times.
Wishing you all the best with finding your path through !