Is this how people normally approach relationships?

[Onestepeachday]

I could use a steer on this - I have a history of unhealthy relationships and took some time out (1yr +) to work on me before dating again.

I dated someone for 4 months and he (29yr old) was more focused and sure about what he wanted in life then my past partners. I was more open about my needs and vulnerable in expressing what came up for me and my past as well as in what I wanted long term. He enthusiastically agreed with my view of the future, was adamant about wanting to be in a relationship and engaged when I talked about my stuff. He started to worry about not falling at the same rate as me and second guessed the bf/gf label. He decided to take a break to figure out his doubt and confusion coming up after withdrawing from being present. He did reassure me that he was coming back to work on us.

Once he returned he broke up with me telling me it had wound down and that he would never get to the stage of loving me deeply enough to want to marry and have kids with me - this was the same reason he gave his ex after breaking up their 5 year relationship. He told me that if he didn't think he could get to that level of feeling then he would break up with me to avoid hurting us both further.

There were red flags in this relationship namely he had not grieved his breakup (he told me he'd detached months ago but had only been broken up a few months) and hadn't identified the bad in that relationship. He also essentially love bombed me and up until the end told me that I was perfect and that he 'should' love me. I personally thought he did from his actions and that glint in his eye I caught a few times, I assumed he just didn't realize it given he'd only been in love once.

Given we'd only been dating a few months and he struggled to be emotionally vulnerable with me due to fear of getting hurt again (he agreed with this - came across as keeping me at arms length about the emotions coming up for him and worries in his life) is this a normal timeframe/statement for someone to call a relationship? I can't help the feeling that he self-sabotaged whatever was there with his past baggage because of fear of getting closer to me. Is it normal to put someone in a box before investing in a relationship and to compare them against how quickly you fell for your ex? ( I did call this out)

Unfortunately this has shaken me as we did connect and I felt seen by him which is something new to me, but even reading this I came see this was unhealthily onesided.

No, it's how lovebombers & mindfucks approach relationships.

It all sounds very deep for four months into a relationship. For me, four months in would be still dating, we'd probably be calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and discussed the future to make sure we're compatible, but there'd be no "I love yous" or planning for the future at this point.

(Admittedly my DP of the last 16 years was pregnant at this point in the relationship, unknown to us. So that lack of planning wasn't great in our case!)

It sounds like your boyfriend did the right thing by ending it. He either realised he wasn't in a headspace to be dating or that you weren't the one for him, 4 months in seems like a pretty normal place for that to happen.

However I think because the pair of you let it get way too serious very quickly, it's a bigger upset for you than it perhaps needed to be

Yes this seems to me to be a half way house to better things. Its slightly better than what you had before but still not quite right.

Don't over think it and analyse it to death. He pulled back. Maybe he has issues, maybe he just wasn't that into it. It doesn't matter either way.

Your next step is to go forwards - what next??

The takeaway from this is that you weren’t the right person for him (which means he wasn’t the right person for you too).

It’s true, he might not have processed his last relationship before jumping into another one with you, but that’s his learning curve to follow and it sounds like you might have been caught in the crossfire of that, though it doesn't sound like it was intentional on his part from what you've written.

It is harder to accept that when you feel you clicked. But he didn’t. It’s no bad reflection on you and it’s normal to feel as if your confidence has been dented a bit when it’s not you calling it a day.

Try not to overanalyse him – it doesn’t achieve anything or make his feelings change. All it will do is make you look within yourself for faults as to why this particular relationship didn’t work – and that’s not healthy either.

As the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Be kind to yourself. Not all men are wankers and bastards but that doesn't mean you're compatible with each and every one of them either.

Attraction is a funny old thing.

Thank you for your reply. I'm curious when you say it got too serious way to quick are you referring to that whole getting to the stage of marriage/kids bit? If so, then I agree I don't expect anyone to know that so soon, just that what we want in life was compatible long term.

Thank you all, I know there is no use analysing what changed or the decision. I think not dating for a while confused me in what a normal timeframe should look like. This man was very full on at the beginning which also threw me as he came across as very certain about us to the point where I was concerned it was too fast.

In terms of what I do next I'm still in therapy, got a new job, running marathons, going on solo trips and expanding my social network so I'm pouring into me. The reason the question came up for me today was that I went on a first date yesterday and it triggered a few old happy memories for me. It wasn't perfect but that former relationship was a half-way house from my past experience, onwards and upwards!

Your twenties can be a time for having fun with boyfriends, taking things as they come and just enjoying the moment…going with the flow.?

I don’t think I’ve ever indulged in such detailed analysis and discussion of every emotion which came up in a relationship.

It sounds far too intense and a bit off key.

There’s no way anyone can commit to planning a future (marriage, dc) with a partner after knowing them a matter of weeks.

This is love bombing/ future faking from a man who wants his ego bolstered.

It sounds like you’re embracing life and doing things for you.
If course you don’t need a man to complete your life but wishing you luck with your new date

Listen to your instincts, go with the flow and have fun! X

Why are you analysing this so much?

You dated for a very short while and it didn’t work out because you weren’t right for each other. It happens often and is normal. You move on.

I think you both jumped too quickly into this one, it does sound like he love bombed and pulled back, but it also sounds like you were over intense and trying to force it. It wasn’t right for him so he called it which was sensible. As PPs say, don’t over analyse.

It’s hard when you are really looking for a proper relationship, but you can’t skip the fact you are just dating at the start, and this stage is meant to be fun. There is no point investing too heavily in anyone in the first 6 months. By all means check your long term aim is the same, but still, you are only dating. It may be that you need to work on building the rest of your life up so you don’t try and force relationships along too fast.

I assumed you are 30+ BTW

If you are only in your 20s, then really do take a step back and just date

I think he's either found someone else or he doesn't fancy you. Most men are just that simple.

@theduchessofspork when you say 'over intense' what came across as that? I went in dating not expecting someone to propose to me in 6 months.

Yeah he sounds obsessed with continuously taking his emotional temperature and discussing it at length with you. It all sounds a bit self absorbed and tedious!

That wouldn’t be for me at all and I don’t think you felt that comfortable with it?

I wouldn’t over complicate things at the start of a relationship.
Just think- Does this man make me feel good about myself?
Do I feel happy and secure with him, and comfortable in his company?

Thanks @SmileyClare I agree I did not feel comfortable with all the second guessing/doubt coming up from him it drove our relationship and, I was very confused and anxious. I should have called it but given my history I fell back into an old pattern - but I'll know better next time.

Those are exactly the questions I asked myself - I felt happy, secure and safe as did he, until he started to live in his head.

You were right to identify him banging on about his ex gf as a red flag.

That’s a massive turn off.
It’s either designed to make you feel insecure and devalued or a sign that he’s too self absorbed to consider how that would make you feel.

Like the poster above says- he wasn’t for you. This isn’t a negative reflection on you at all. I wouldn’t be comfortable with how intense he was and seemingly obsessed with his feelings all the time!

Dont feel obliged to be with anyone who makes you feel insecure or anxious or second guessing yourself x

He wasn't right for you. I agree with previous posters that you are over-analysing this. Your whole description of the relationship sounds a bit like something from a psychology textbook. I don't think it's normal to take that psychoanalytical approach to a relationship, especially at that early stage, and it sounds as though you were both doing that. When the right person comes along, it will feel right and you won't need to over-analyse.

Thank you all! This man was not right for me and the breakup was undoubtedly a good thing. To clarify I was not asking for a breakdown of my past relationship but of whether that behaviour is normal. I am not over analysing here those feelings were what I was told by him in the relationship, I am someone who embraces how I feel as the marker of a relationship in this case it was mixed signals and uncertainty @AllProperTeaIsTheft @bonzaitree @theduchessofspork

I am only asking as given my past 10 years of physical, mental and emotional abusive relationships I am not clear on what 'normal' behaviour/decision making is in a relationship.

Hey, think this one was aimed at me. If so, then I'll try and explain what I meant by too much too quick.

So, about a month into dating I'd want to know whether we're exclusive. A couple of months in I'd have expected to know their opinions on marriage, kids etc. Not marriage, kids with me necessarily, but do they see kids in their future at all. I'd also expect by then to have had a few conversations about big political topics etc, found out whether our world views align, that they're not a massive racist or believe in a flat earth etc.

For me, that's just doing your due diligence, fact finding, making sure that your long term goals are compatible etc. But aside from that info, at 4 months in I'm just focussed on having fun with the other person. I'm not picturing a future with them.

If at that point we're having big conversations about our feelings for each other, who loves who, the details of breakup with previous partners etc, that would all be a bit much for me and I'm probably back pedaling like a madman.

It sounds like this may have been coming from him more than you, but the fact that you've felt the need to post this after a 4 month relationship suggests you were very enmeshed in it as well.

Even the breakup conversation itself seems very involved, why do you even need to know that he's not falling for you as quick as his ex etc.

Every break up I've had at that stage basically just involved one person going "Sorry, this isn't really working for me, I wish you well for the future", and the other basically shrugging and moving on. We had some fun, it ended, onto the next thing, it's not like it's been going on for long enough for any real feelings beyond lust to develop.

Obviously everyone's different and some people take things faster that others, but the level of intimacy described in your original post would send me running for the hills.

Thanks for clarifying @Bobbotgegrinch I agree with your rough stages that is how I've approached all of my past relationships - enjoying each others company, being exclusive, talking about long term life goals and divisive topics to weed people out.

You are right those big comparisons at 4 months - feelings, talking about breakups came from him in the form of doubt. I actively tried to move us on from these conversations to just enjoying dating. However, the conversation about being worried about not falling as quickly as with his ex wasn't actually a breakup conversation that was one of his doubts that came up at about 3 months which is when he'd said I love you to his ex previously. I agree I was overly attached/ enmeshed after my initial hesitancy and my behaviour in staying rather than walking away shows this.

I think he fast-forwarded the relationship to fill what he'd lost, which was completely unfair on me and I'd have much rather any relationship be allowed to naturally develop on feelings rather than expectations of where it 'should' be.

Your stance on breakups at this stage is much healthier but given the love bombing and my past history the confusion from my end was pretty natural. I have just walked away from it though, unnecessary drama.

I think everyone is probably different in how they approach relationships and timescales but I don't think it's weird to put feelers out to see their longer term views going ahead, as PP said. Not as in together but in general as a person what are they seeking from it and where do they see themselves headed.

In regards to his ex that could depend on the circumstances of the relationship and how that unfolded. I know for myself anything in the future will likely be a lot slower than the relationship with my wife because that went insanely fast, too fast and it ended up abusive. Pretty sure I was bombed.

So now I'm kinda the same in that I don't know what to expect going forward but all I know is it needs to be slower than that was and I now know the warning signs...

@Catsafterme you are correct everyone has a different pace in a relationship, but it does make it difficult to know if someone genuinely feels that instant love and belief in being the one (which does happen) or if someone is just unhealthy and trying to mask something.

I agree and I like to know what someone is looking for to not waste my time but I don't really ring fence them into that life being with them.

Going forward it does make me nervous and cautious of what to expect, especially when the other person doesn't know themselves well enough to pace themselves. I agree I'm going slower for the next one and getting out of it feels unnatural or onesided, it's not worth the emotional drain.

Every relationship we have is a learning experience. You've learnt lessons from previous ones that have let you identify that someone wasn't quite right with this one, even if it was after the fact. The lessons you learn from this one will help you identify when things aren't right for you even earlier next time. Learning to trust your gut again can be difficult when you've been gaslit and abused in the past, so don't kick yourself too much about what went wrong this time, learn from it and onwards and upwards!

@Onestepeachday Yeah I get that and I think that's going to be one of my main issues, figuring out whether they are genuinely interested on a healthy level or are carrying something from the past.

It's hard getting out of that mindset after being in a toxic relationship/marriage that was seemingly a lie and to put trust or faith others wouldn't be the same way. It's something I would like but it's hard to imagine something real or equal afterwards, especially as it felt so real last time and we had the same goals before. It was almost too good to be true looking back now.

I've been working on myself since and figuring my own stuff out as to why I fell into that but I would imagine a lot try to replace what they had without actually dealing with the issue or healing from it. Which may be the case with that guy, like comparing the two relationships.

Yes same here, I can't go through that again, it nearly destroyed me and is still continuing now in other ways even though I'm out. I'll be open and trusting but wary of what it was like last time early on.