Is this how people normally approach relationships?

[Onestepeachday]

I could use a steer on this - I have a history of unhealthy relationships and took some time out (1yr +) to work on me before dating again.

I dated someone for 4 months and he (29yr old) was more focused and sure about what he wanted in life then my past partners. I was more open about my needs and vulnerable in expressing what came up for me and my past as well as in what I wanted long term. He enthusiastically agreed with my view of the future, was adamant about wanting to be in a relationship and engaged when I talked about my stuff. He started to worry about not falling at the same rate as me and second guessed the bf/gf label. He decided to take a break to figure out his doubt and confusion coming up after withdrawing from being present. He did reassure me that he was coming back to work on us.

Once he returned he broke up with me telling me it had wound down and that he would never get to the stage of loving me deeply enough to want to marry and have kids with me - this was the same reason he gave his ex after breaking up their 5 year relationship. He told me that if he didn't think he could get to that level of feeling then he would break up with me to avoid hurting us both further.

There were red flags in this relationship namely he had not grieved his breakup (he told me he'd detached months ago but had only been broken up a few months) and hadn't identified the bad in that relationship. He also essentially love bombed me and up until the end told me that I was perfect and that he 'should' love me. I personally thought he did from his actions and that glint in his eye I caught a few times, I assumed he just didn't realize it given he'd only been in love once.

Given we'd only been dating a few months and he struggled to be emotionally vulnerable with me due to fear of getting hurt again (he agreed with this - came across as keeping me at arms length about the emotions coming up for him and worries in his life) is this a normal timeframe/statement for someone to call a relationship? I can't help the feeling that he self-sabotaged whatever was there with his past baggage because of fear of getting closer to me. Is it normal to put someone in a box before investing in a relationship and to compare them against how quickly you fell for your ex? ( I did call this out)

Unfortunately this has shaken me as we did connect and I felt seen by him which is something new to me, but even reading this I came see this was unhealthily onesided.

Every break up I've had at that stage basically just involved one person going "Sorry, this isn't really working for me, I wish you well for the future", and the other basically shrugging and moving on. We had some fun, it ended, onto the next thing, it's not like it's been going on for long enough for any real feelings beyond lust to develop.

Whereas I agree there's an unusual and excessive amount of navel gazing going on here, what you're describing to me is how things are after a few weeks. Any break up after 4 months or so to me has tended to involve more than a simple "thanks, but I'm not feeling it - all the best!" That's what I'd expect after a couple of Tinder dates!

Also, I've never been in a relationship, as opposed to casually dating, where we've not shared about significant relationships and how they work ended, especially by 4 months. It would be weird to get to that point without sharing in that regard.

And 4 months is easily long enough to have developed feelings for someone that go beyond mere lust. People will often feel in love at that stage, even if MNers are quick to tell them that they can't possibly be in real love at that point!

The only relationships that end so casually, with so little feeling or sharing after 4 months, are ones that are little more than fuckbuddy arrangements possibly albeit ones with exclusively.

Or maybe me and literally every person I've had a relationship with have been different to the norm, where the first four months is purely about having a laugh, keeping things totally superficial, not finding anything much out about the other person, and with intimacy restricted to sex alone,'so that the only feelings that develop are just lust. and a break-up is a simple "nice while it lasted, but see ya".