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Original poster

Is this how people normally approach relationships?

51 replies

Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 14:22

I could use a steer on this - I have a history of unhealthy relationships and took some time out (1yr +) to work on me before dating again.

I dated someone for 4 months and he (29yr old) was more focused and sure about what he wanted in life then my past partners. I was more open about my needs and vulnerable in expressing what came up for me and my past as well as in what I wanted long term. He enthusiastically agreed with my view of the future, was adamant about wanting to be in a relationship and engaged when I talked about my stuff. He started to worry about not falling at the same rate as me and second guessed the bf/gf label. He decided to take a break to figure out his doubt and confusion coming up after withdrawing from being present. He did reassure me that he was coming back to work on us.

Once he returned he broke up with me telling me it had wound down and that he would never get to the stage of loving me deeply enough to want to marry and have kids with me - this was the same reason he gave his ex after breaking up their 5 year relationship. He told me that if he didn't think he could get to that level of feeling then he would break up with me to avoid hurting us both further.

There were red flags in this relationship namely he had not grieved his breakup (he told me he'd detached months ago but had only been broken up a few months) and hadn't identified the bad in that relationship. He also essentially love bombed me and up until the end told me that I was perfect and that he 'should' love me. I personally thought he did from his actions and that glint in his eye I caught a few times, I assumed he just didn't realize it given he'd only been in love once.

Given we'd only been dating a few months and he struggled to be emotionally vulnerable with me due to fear of getting hurt again (he agreed with this - came across as keeping me at arms length about the emotions coming up for him and worries in his life) is this a normal timeframe/statement for someone to call a relationship? I can't help the feeling that he self-sabotaged whatever was there with his past baggage because of fear of getting closer to me. Is it normal to put someone in a box before investing in a relationship and to compare them against how quickly you fell for your ex? ( I did call this out)

Unfortunately this has shaken me as we did connect and I felt seen by him which is something new to me, but even reading this I came see this was unhealthily onesided.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/09/2023 18:04

Looking for 'normal' is looking for external validation.

There is no normal. You choose to be in relationships that make you happy, and if they stop making you happy, you leave. Live by that, and your ongoing relationships will always be happy. There will be no more abuse, and no need for 'normal'.

You have your own normal, he has his, and everybody else has their own too. A compatible partner will have a similar 'normal' to yours, so 'Is his behaviour normal?' will never come up as a question.

Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 18:27

@Catsafterme I get the caution and mistrust, but we have to remember that not everyone will be our exes. Other people are capable of being trusted and we have to treat each relationship as new. These relationships are incredibly draining so be compassionate with yourselfm

The advantage we have over others is that we are able to accept people as they are and not compare them to what was or a standard. Take your time and work on healing, you can only show up for yourself in the future.

OP posts:
Greengrassohla · 23/09/2023 18:31

All this therapy speak about ‘emotional vulnerability’ at the 4 month mark is not normal, no. You, not him. But some people love this stuff, so you just need to find someone compatible.

Are you sure you should be emotionally vulnerable with someone you barely know?

Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 19:04

@Greengrassohla at what stage do you start talking about your emotions in a relationship then? A lack of that is what I took away from this, if one person isn't prepared to talk about what's coming up for them and simply let's it dictate their relationship then that's a problem.

We are all different and in this relationship we actually bonded over therapy and what we'd learnt so I wouldn't brand that as being 'not normal'.

OP posts:
Greengrassohla · 23/09/2023 19:11

Of course it’s not normal to ‘bond over therapy’. If that’s what you’re doing then it seems to me that you’re likely to be over sharing. I think you’re also likely to be setting up a dynamic that creates a false sense of intimacy.

Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 19:25

@Greengrassohla I don't mean bonded over our issues, I mean over psychology. What do you mean by a false sense of intimacy, sharing too much too soon?

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 23/09/2023 19:26

I’m sure therapy has really helped you op but eek there’s a danger you’re trying to “over therapise” or psycho analyse everything. In light of him also having therapy, it was a perfect storm 😂

I agree with a point already mentioned- it boils down to a basic Are you feeling happy with this person? Does it feel good?

I think if you’re compatible it will feel quite easy and uncomplicated, and naturally evolve.

Im not a huge fan of constantly taking each other’s emotional temperature.

If there’s an issue/ argument it’s healthy to say how you feel- otherwise a look, a touch on your back, a reassuring hug or waking them up with a cup of tea is enough (for me).

He tried to rush things agreed.

It sounds like he was almost forcing a false intimacy- and that inevitably ruined things. You felt uncomfortable and anxious and all the references to his ex mean he wasn’t in the right place to jump into something.

Youre young so take time, be fussy (!) and have fun.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to be the person you think they want you to be. You’re lovely as yourself 💕

category12 · 23/09/2023 19:30

Not everyone will be our exes.

No, but when you've been in abusive relationships previously, you're like catnip to potential predators and it's very common to fall into further abusive relationships.

It's a really bad idea to give too much information about your vulnerabilities to someone new in the early stages. The wrong type of person will use it as a lever or ammunition against you. Mirroring and too much too soon/lovebombing are common tools of abusive people to get into your head fast and early.

SmileyClare · 23/09/2023 19:48

Hmm it would certainly pay to be a little more guarded in future- call it self protection.

A lot of people (ok men) enjoy the ego boost of having a woman fall for them - encouraged by love bombing…
“we’re perfect! You’re perfect, we want the same things! I want a future with you”

And then withdraw with the classic line- I can’t commit because I’m scared of getting hurt” I need space..I’m breaking up because I’m a nice guy who doesn’t want to hold you back.

I mean to give him the benefit of the doubt- perhaps he just desperately wanted a serious committed relationship and tried to force it. He loved bombed himself (if that’s a thing 😂) and it back fired.

It certainly sounds like you let him dictate the pace and got swept along with him in the driving seat (?)

Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 19:49

Thanks @SmileyClare, I agree if it had been right it would have evolved naturally. Having to second guess someone's emotional state is not my forte, it's meant to be easy and this was draining in the end. I need someone whose more in touch with their emotions, consistent and actually in a place of availablity for a relationship.

Regarding the therapy your probably right, there's no point in wondering what was behind it, doesn't change anything. When issues came up for me I voiced them which was the right thing to do. His expressing doubt/uncertainty only added pressure.

The next time I will pick better and be more cautious, I can only learn from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 19:51

@SmileyClare I did let him dictate the pace, I did flag the anxiety it pulled up in me and considered walking away. I was reassured that despite what was coming up for him, he was 'in this for the long term', quite manipulative really.

Tbh I didn't immediately trust all of this but again I was reassured that this was real and he was going no where (' I'm a good guy' 'better than your exes')

OP posts:
Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 19:54

@category12 you're right I have to be extra careful about getting into relationships, in this case it was used against me as 'you need to trust me for us to have a relationship'.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 23/09/2023 19:55

I can only learn from this

Yeah absolutely! And I’m sure some of it was really good - and you were fond of each other.
Don’t beat yourself up. You will have to kiss a few frogs on the way.

We’re all human- I’ve definitely had some disastrous relationships in my time. Im sure most people have.

category12 · 23/09/2023 19:55

Words are cheap - a good guy doesn't have to tell you, he shows you. He goes at your pace. He doesn't push things on and talk you out of misgivings.

Never had a nice person have to tell me they're a nice person.

Brightandshining · 23/09/2023 19:58

Everyone is different. I'd know by 4 months if I could fall in love with someone or not.
But then there are people for whom these feelings develop over time. So they would give it longer I guess..

Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 20:02

@category12 100% correct, if someone has to convince you then it's a lie

OP posts:
Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 20:04

@Brightandshining to clarify it wasn't whether he could fall in love with me after 4 months, it was whether he thought that he could reach a deeper level of love that would want him want to marry/have kids with me. I agree that usually I know at around 4/5 months of seeing someone whether I could love them.

OP posts:
Peacendkindness · 23/09/2023 20:07

SmileyClare · 23/09/2023 15:04

Your twenties can be a time for having fun with boyfriends, taking things as they come and just enjoying the moment…going with the flow.?

I don’t think I’ve ever indulged in such detailed analysis and discussion of every emotion which came up in a relationship.

It sounds far too intense and a bit off key.

There’s no way anyone can commit to planning a future (marriage, dc) with a partner after knowing them a matter of weeks.

This is love bombing/ future faking from a man who wants his ego bolstered.

See this comment above.

chill out and judge people by what they do not what they say

watch love bombing it’s a huge red flag

SmileyClare · 23/09/2023 20:08

He sounds worse the more you write op 😩

I’m no relationship expert or therapist so this isn’t a technical term but the bloke sounds like an absolute head fuck!

Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 20:12

@SmileyClare oh he was! Unfortunately love bombing and the mixed messages did get me hooked just enough to keep me around. Never again! Scary when you can't even trust someone's words!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 23/09/2023 20:33

I hope this experience hasn’t made you doubt your own judgment.

As I said I’m not a an expert but it sounds he was pretty confused himself and had attempted therapy himself. Perhaps don’t assume his motives were sinister!

Original poster
Onestepeachday · 23/09/2023 20:44

@SmileyClare it hasn't made me doubt myself, just be a little more cautious with people. The whole dating saga can be so draining.

I don't think he intentionally meant to lead me on, but I wish he hadn't convinced me of his certainty about us throughout. I got attached to him as my partner and ended up feeling quite discarded in the end.

OP posts:
Mountaineer0009 · 23/09/2023 20:46

seems like hes doing a leonard hofstteader type relationship analysis perspective,

SmileyClare · 23/09/2023 20:52

I sympathise. You sound like an open genuine person so it’s seems all wrong that you have to change that because men might take advantage of you/ your nature.

I suppose it’s best to go into things aware that not all men are genuine (or know what they want!) remain a bit guarded and don’t be afraid to put the brakes on if it feels too much too soon.

”I’m not ready to talk about where we’re headed/ our future yet. I’m happy to enjoy this and see where it goes” is acceptable I think?

You sound self aware and confident enough to take a bit more control in a relationship next time.

Theres all the time in the world to let your guard down gradually rather than feel rushed into something which feels too intense.

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