Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Annoyed over money

102 replies

Liquorice86 · 23/09/2023 08:10

My partner earns more than me, we live together with my 2 kids who aren't to him and I get CM for 1 of my kids from their dad.
He earns a lot more than me. He gives me money towards the house each week , tbh it doesn't go far.
On a weekend if we go on a night out he'll pay but otherwise he doesn't spend anything, where as I'm spending on bits of food shopping/ things for his packed lunch, topping up gas and electricity etc.
I just said to him about the amount I've spent on things for the house the past few days and how I'm worried about money and still need to do a food shop this weekend.
He snapped at me saying he wants to see his grandson on Sunday , then denied snapping at me . He does this a lot and I hate it makes me feel like I'm lying or making it up.
It's his favourite grandchild and he's saying I haven't seen him for a while. I'm not said don't go see him , only we need a food shop and I'm worried about money.
We don't share savings or anything as the kids are mine , I'm not expecting that but I don't think he realises the cost of things. I'm paying the bills too- gas electricity water council tax.
He does have debts that are his and his kids and his car is a big expense.
I know he loves me but at times I get annoyed with the finances and him not wanting to discuss it.
He's now ignoring me 🙄.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2023 10:05

What happened to you liquorice, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here from this bloke who you've moved into your home? (probably quite quickly as well).

Better to be on your own with your kids than to be as badly accompanied and otherwise abused as you are now.

tenpoundpombear · 23/09/2023 10:05

Liquorice86 · 23/09/2023 08:54

The house is in my name. I have said to him last week...this is how much electricity we use each month and gas. He says that as he can work away 2 nights some weeks that he doesn't use a lot- his clothes still use electricity when they're washed, dried and ironed.

Genuinely I'd ask him to leave and find his own place. The 10% he's contributing is so negligible that the discount in council tax, lower gas, leccy and water bills due to less use and lower food bills due to having one less adult to feed will not only cancel it out but you'll probably be left with more money a month than if he lives there "contributing".

I would not even attempt to ask for 50% based on the things you've said up till now. He clearly doesn't think he needs to pay his way and that won't change. Or maybe it will if he is faced with the reality of paying 100% for everything on his own, but it would be too late for me by then.

thankyouforthedayz · 23/09/2023 10:19

If he won't talk to you about who pays what, and the status of your relationship, I think it's over.
If you are a couple with a sense of shared emotional and financial responsibility for each other and loved ones then you'd pay proportionally according to what you can afford.
If he is a lodger-with-benefits then I would agree with @MintJulia formula - he needs to pay his way so you are not subsidising him.
I assume you do the housework, cooking, laundry, you have already said you do all household admin.
Does he contribute anything? Childcare, helping the kids with homework, playing with/occupying/giving lifts to kids; gardening, repairs? Thought not.

BMW6 · 23/09/2023 10:20

Oh OP he has debts and has to pay CM..........sorry but I think he is with you for all the wrong reasons.

When it was proposed that he move into YOUR home (and whose idea was that first BTW?) a discussion should have been had and agreed about his financial contribution to the household expenses.

He is 1 of 4 so should be paying 25% at least.

I think you should kick him out pronto because I seriously doubt he's with you for anything other than what he can get out of it.

Prelapsarianhag · 23/09/2023 13:09

You have yourself a parasitic cocklodger taking food out of the mouths of your children. Pack his bags, change the locks and don't let him back in.

Olika · 23/09/2023 13:49

I wouldn't want to be with him. If you really Wang to continue being with him then I would make a clear list of all expenses and tell him that this is how much he needs to cover each month. Right now he is just living cheaply at your place and putting money aside and les you overspend for him. Absolutely unacceptable.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 23/09/2023 14:22

So when are you going to put your kids first?

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 23/09/2023 14:47

Liquorice86 · 23/09/2023 08:54

The house is in my name. I have said to him last week...this is how much electricity we use each month and gas. He says that as he can work away 2 nights some weeks that he doesn't use a lot- his clothes still use electricity when they're washed, dried and ironed.

So he sees himself as a lodger, a part time inhabitant, your house is not his home, it is his top up, clothes replenishment area.

He is using you. Wake up and put him and his outside the door

NutellaNut · 23/09/2023 17:49

He’s taking the piss out if you. He needs to step up his contribution or find his own place. It’s particularly shocking that he earns more than you but still expects you to foot the vast majority of bills. Please get rid of this cocklodger who is totally exploiting you.

Original poster
Liquorice86 · 23/09/2023 19:57

Thank u all for replies.
His kids are adults who he is still subsidising and paying for( in 30s not 18 year olds)
He has just discovered still paying tv license for his ex- we have been together for years.
Final straw is we bn out for day today- very pricey food and drink at local event, Inc travel I've spent about 80 quid, he's spent 20.
And I know tomorrow I'll be doing full food shop, then Monday topping up gas etc.....I can't keep doing it.
Why should he be building up money while I'm on my arse?

OP posts:
Lampzade · 23/09/2023 20:04

Sorry Op, he doesn’t want to spend his money so is living off you.
Tight fucker

GrazingSheep · 23/09/2023 20:10

Why should he be building up money while I'm on my arse?

Because he saw you coming.
Are you going to tell him it’s over?

Olika · 23/09/2023 20:12

He will do it as long as you let him. I honestly couldn't be with a man like this.

ConnieTucker · 23/09/2023 20:17

Lampzade · 23/09/2023 20:04

Sorry Op, he doesn’t want to spend his money so is living off you.
Tight fucker

This.

you said you know he lives you. How?

Mrsttcno1 · 23/09/2023 20:17

@Liquorice86 has he only spent £20 and you £80 because yours included paying for your childrens food/drinks/travel or is that because you’ve paid for the meal etc?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 23/09/2023 20:19

Throw this one back in the sea. He’s poncing off of you. 📢 cocklodger ‼️

10% is stingy, that doesn’t even cover the ct discount. He’s clearly taking you for a ride and hanging off you not approaching him about needing more money as he snaps, so he’s gaslighting you too.

Catoo · 23/09/2023 22:01

OP do the maths and then tell him what you need each week as a fair contribution.
If he refuses, please get rid of this parasite. Have friends with you when you put him out if that feels safer.

Ragwort · 23/09/2023 22:36

Why are you allowing him to live with you and your DC? You are subsidising a grown man! Just tell him to leave. If you really "love" him ... no idea why you would love someone who treats you so badly ... you can 'date' him ... and wait to see how long it takes for him to take you out for dinner ....

Where's your self esteem ... he must love having a woman paying for his lifestyle, doing his shopping cooking and presumably sharing a bed?

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 23:48

@Liquorice86
What was your agreement prior to his moving in with you? The simple solution is to tell him that you want to live apart.

Living apart will give you both a sense of what you had while living together. He will likely get a serious wake up call. You may find that apart from the drop in your food cost none of your other expenses will likely decrease significantly.

You can then both determine the direction in which you want this relationship to move.

CherryBlossom321 · 24/09/2023 00:08

Favourite grandchild?! 😒 That’s a raging red flag even before all of the other less subtle ones.

Original poster
Liquorice86 · 24/09/2023 09:03

I started to bring it up - I spend so much on WiFi for the home- he said he doesn't use the WiFi he uses his data on his phone.
I said about utility bills - he said he's away half the week, I said if you had your own place these things would need to be paid for . He said ask your kids dad.
At that point I lost it screaming, not my best move , he said your showing your true colours now etc.i slammed door behind him.
As soon as I brought up the money he said I'm going I'm not putting up with this.
He went last night and has text asking for his stuff.
Unfortunately my kids witnessed the end of the argument so I feel like shit.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 24/09/2023 09:05

Oh well. They will be glad he’s gone I’m sure.
At least you’re rid of him.

tescocreditcard · 24/09/2023 09:11

Liquorice86 · 24/09/2023 09:03

I started to bring it up - I spend so much on WiFi for the home- he said he doesn't use the WiFi he uses his data on his phone.
I said about utility bills - he said he's away half the week, I said if you had your own place these things would need to be paid for . He said ask your kids dad.
At that point I lost it screaming, not my best move , he said your showing your true colours now etc.i slammed door behind him.
As soon as I brought up the money he said I'm going I'm not putting up with this.
He went last night and has text asking for his stuff.
Unfortunately my kids witnessed the end of the argument so I feel like shit.

He's got an answer for everything hasnt he?

So what if the kids saw you lose it? Apologise to them and move on. Have a really nice day today. DONT stay home miserable.

I expect he'll be texting you a lot telling you what a vile person you are. Send him one text telling him when he can collect his things which you will pack up and leave by the door and then block him.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/09/2023 09:14

Either he pays 50/50 for all bills, rent etc or he moves out

He should also pay 50/50 for food

Everything else is separate

rainbowstardrops · 24/09/2023 09:15

Well that's a positive in this sorry situation that he's gone! Result!!!!
Don't let him back again because he's treating you this way because you're allowing it. Simple as.