Did you love a parent that you knew was abusive?

Duxelle · 2023-09-21T18:40:42+00:00

Prompted by hearing DD tell her abuser father that she loves and misses him. She's only 6.. She doesn't know how he treated us and the background to the split and why we left (domestic abuse) Why are children bonded to abusive parents? Did you love your abusive parent?

AbbeyGailsParty · 21/09/2023 20:32

Is he a Disney dad now? Or does she not see him ? Children who don’t see a parent often invent a fantasy parent— the perfect dad who buts them everything etc….
And if he’s a Disney dad she’s responding to what she experiences.

CallmeDawnthen · 21/09/2023 20:42

Yes, i adored my physically ( used to hit me ) and emotionally abusive abusive Dad. My mum had MH issues and was largely vacant/not available. Dad seemed to have some control and authority and maintain stability for us. If it were not for Dad putting up with Mum and staying, my sis and I would likely have been placed in a home due to mum's inability to look after us.

Leaser of two evil's !

Original poster

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 20:49

Definite disney dad. She has two hours of fun every fortnight with him

OP posts:

BananaSlug · 21/09/2023 20:51

It’s normal. Many women love and marry abusive men and even have children with them so why would a child not love their abusive parent? Harder to stop loving a parent…

Plinkyplonkyplod · 21/09/2023 21:12

All young children are instinctively attached / loyal / loving to their parents (those adults who were present during the period of attachment).

It's a survival mechanism because any parent is better than no parent where no parent means certain death (perhaps not now but throughout the vast majority of human existence). Don't stick with your parents, don't survive.

This is why having an abusive parent can be so damaging. Because children love their parents truly unconditionally and they don't have an external point of reference - they aren't able to identify what's good or bad parenting until much older, from a young child's perspective how their parent behaves is just how it is / how it's meant to be.

Even older people who know their parents are terrible and don't want to see them often still yearn deeply for their parents' approval, love and care (they just know better than to act on the yearning).

Though it may feel horribly unfair on you, try not to take it to heart that your daughter loves her father despite his being unworthy. She can't help it and it may even be a healthy sign (vs if she had completely detached from him at such a young age).

Well done for surviving an abusive relationship and removing yourself and your daughter to safety. It must be so bitter sweet that he is now "Disney Dad" but that shallow relationship is so much better for your daughter than one in which she has to mix up love and fear (eg domestic abuse). And that's all thanks to you.

Namerequired · 21/09/2023 21:16

Of course they do. I do though I struggle with it. But I worked in care (where children had been removed), and they all thought the sun shone from their parents. It’s normal

Somaliwildass · 21/09/2023 21:20

It's a bit different if she doesn't know why you're not all together anymore.

MattBerrysHair · 21/09/2023 21:21

I love both my abusive parents because that's how children, even adult ones, are programmed. I don't trust or like them very much as an adult, but I will always love them. It took well into adulthood to understand they were abusive.

Anothagoatthis · 21/09/2023 21:22

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 20:49

Definite disney dad. She has two hours of fun every fortnight with him

Why wouldn’t she love her dad then? He’s like the fun uncle who pops in regularly to entertain except he’s her Dad.

But yes agree with pp that even children who have been removed due to neglect or outright abuse etc tend to love their parents. It’s natural and normal probably rooted partly in biology. That’s why so many adults crave the unconditional love you get from children and sometimes have them even when they really shouldn’t. You don’t need to be a good parent at all for them to think you’re amazing and love you deeply, especially at that age.

It’s incredibly rare for a child not to love even an abusive parent until they’re adults, and even then they usually have mixed feelings rather than reject the parent completely.

MidnightOnceMore · 21/09/2023 21:22

If she doesn't know he was abusive, that is a very different scenario to the one in your thread title.

coodawoodashooda · 21/09/2023 21:26

MattBerrysHair · 21/09/2023 21:21

I love both my abusive parents because that's how children, even adult ones, are programmed. I don't trust or like them very much as an adult, but I will always love them. It took well into adulthood to understand they were abusive.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you realise?

Original poster

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 21:28

Well, I rephrase that.
She does not know the full extent of the abuse. I have told her that we had to leave as daddy wasn't very kind to us and mummy had to leave to keep us both safe. That's the extent of her understanding.
She tells me after seeing him he doesn't let her talk about me or draw me pictures. She tells me she doesn't like his kisses or cuddles as its too much..
Yet..... hearing her tell him she loves him was like a spear through my heart.

However, pp has rephrased it mindfully for me. It is a shallow relationship and I am grateful she has that rather than being scared or terrified of him.

It's just hard when you know the real person and what they've done.

OP posts:

keffie12 · 21/09/2023 21:29

Out of my 4, it is only my daughter who has contact with her biological dad. The adult boys hack nothing to do with him. There is a back story as to why re abuse.

My boys see my late (2nd husband) and the dad he didn't have to be, as dad.

My daughter loves her dad, warts, and all. She knows what he was like with me.

I have a great relationship with the ex. He lives the other side of the world, and I have him blocked from being able to contact me in any way. It works 😏

I don't love my late father. That's another story. He lived an absolute lie. You can't love someone you don't know. I was bought up with him. The marriage to my mom wasn't a good one.

I think every case is different. It's not a one size fits all. My family proves that

My daughter adores my late 2nd husband, her stepdad, and she was able to have a relationship with both.

She won't take any rubbish from her dad. He is told in no uncertain terms by her

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2023 21:29

My father abused us for years. I watched him continue to abuse my mother.

I hate him in many ways. I also still love him. when a parent is the abuser it really messes with you.

most aren’t bad every minute and they do things to win your trust. There is also something hard-coded that makes you love your parent.

the key to handling it is to recognize that it’s ok to have both sets of feelings at once.

Focus on teaching her to recognize what is and is not acceptable treatment.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/09/2023 21:30

I adored my father, I would have done anything as 6 year old for him to want to spend time with me. By the time I was older I knew exactly what he was and didn’t want to spend a second with him.

You are looking at this wrong. Your child is 6, she just sees her father. It’s normal. Children want their parents. It’s wrong of you to expect her to understand.

Original poster

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 21:32

I'm not expecting her to understand at all.
I'm trying to widen my understanding and to understand why there is that bond.

OP posts:

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/09/2023 21:33

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 21:28

Well, I rephrase that.
She does not know the full extent of the abuse. I have told her that we had to leave as daddy wasn't very kind to us and mummy had to leave to keep us both safe. That's the extent of her understanding.
She tells me after seeing him he doesn't let her talk about me or draw me pictures. She tells me she doesn't like his kisses or cuddles as its too much..
Yet..... hearing her tell him she loves him was like a spear through my heart.

However, pp has rephrased it mindfully for me. It is a shallow relationship and I am grateful she has that rather than being scared or terrified of him.

It's just hard when you know the real person and what they've done.

Honestly the best thing you can do is to keep a diary so that when shes older she can read it her own time and pace. She’ll know what he’s like. The best thing for me was getting hold of written documentation that backed up everything my mum told me later.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/09/2023 21:33

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 21:32

I'm not expecting her to understand at all.
I'm trying to widen my understanding and to understand why there is that bond.

As simplistic as it sounds, because he’s her dad and she loves him.

BananaSlug · 21/09/2023 21:38

Why wouldn’t she? If he comes and picks her up and does fun things why wouldn’t she love him? She’s only 6

Redribbontable · 21/09/2023 21:53

I love my parents despite their disdain for me. My heart leaps for joy when my mum calls even though I know she's calling me to ask for help with a thing that will put me out, or moan. She'll end the call very quickly if I try to discuss my day. My dad never speaks to me, he ignores me when I see them.

I ache for my parents love and approval so badly that at 40 I weep like a child and all the abuse I suffered comes flooding back. I have no one else.

Abfab63 · 21/09/2023 22:05

I wrote a long post about my abusive upbringing and relationship with my DF then deleted it because the answer to your question is very simple...

She's bonded to him because he's her Dad.

MattBerrysHair · 21/09/2023 22:09

coodawoodashooda · 21/09/2023 21:26

If you don't mind me asking, how did you realise?

Show quote history

I had my own children, basically, and the realisation that the screaming, name calling, thrashings etc were not how a loving parent behaves hit me like a ton of bricks. I had therapy to process it all, which was a very long and arduous journey.

Original poster

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 22:09

Redribbontable · 21/09/2023 21:53

I love my parents despite their disdain for me. My heart leaps for joy when my mum calls even though I know she's calling me to ask for help with a thing that will put me out, or moan. She'll end the call very quickly if I try to discuss my day. My dad never speaks to me, he ignores me when I see them.

I ache for my parents love and approval so badly that at 40 I weep like a child and all the abuse I suffered comes flooding back. I have no one else.

This is so sad. I'm so sorry pp. You deserve so much better xx

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WesleyNeverDies · 21/09/2023 22:11

I didn't recognize my parents as being abusive until I was an adult (emotional abuse). I've been no contact with them for 4 years now.

I still have random little emotional breakdowns over it sometimes - something will remind me, prompt the grief feelings again.

I know that they will never be who I need them to be. They will never give me the validation and approval that I, as their child, am born with the absolute need for. I'm not sure I can say that I love them... I love them on principle, I want their happiness and success, but I wish I could love them affectionately and fully, I wish I could feel any love from them.

At 6 years old, it's probably impossible to take that step back and recognise that innate need, it's just so instinctive. I struggle with it and I'm close to 40.

I'd say just support however she feels, or says she feels. She needs to draw her own conclusions and get to that place in her own time, and that's definitely going to be years in the making.

Splendour · 22/09/2023 07:39

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