Did you love a parent that you knew was abusive?

[Duxelle]

Prompted by hearing DD tell her abuser father that she loves and misses him. She's only 6..

She doesn't know how he treated us and the background to the split and why we left (domestic abuse)

Why are children bonded to abusive parents?

Did you love your abusive parent?

This is so similar to the dynamic in my childhood.

My dad would hit my brother and me and was constantly blowing up and shouting. Very unpredictable man. But he cared for me, showed me love, took an interest in things I did, looked after me when I was poorly and cooked things that were actually edible. My mum was the opposite. Vacant, uninterested, on another planet basically. She didn’t work and couldn’t handle anything like money or bills, so apart from cleaning my dad had to do it all alongside his stressful job. He was signed off with stress quite a few times and struggled with depression, but he always, always made sure I was cared for and that we had enough.

As I got older I realised my mum is most likely ASD with an intellectual disability. My dad’s dead now and she can’t handle anything, seems to get scammed by people and never has any money despite plenty coming in from my dad’s pension and the mortgage all paid off.

Anyway, yes, I adored my dad even though he was abusive. But, as an adult, after spending five minutes with my mum, I start wanting to scream and shout too. The stuff she does and says is absolutely maddening. The most basic things are like pulling teeth. So I don’t see things in as black and white terms as I used to.

Children always try to love their parents however abusive. They are filled with joy when a very abusive parent turns on the charm. Mine used to do this when they wanted to send photos to my very concerned family abroad. Of course they would be nice to me all day and I'd be overjoyed and smile happily for all the photos like a whipped dog being given a piece of meat. Then the next day it would be business as usual.
When you grow up you usually know better.
I feel nothing for them now and never see them.