Does anyone feel this way about their mother?

[Brontesaurus1]

I’ve gone NC for this. I’ve just got off the phone with my mum and am once again so disturbed by her probably innocent comments and I’m just seeking some insight into my reactions. I’m aware the examples below are hardly ground breakingly awful but the way they effect me can derail a whole day so I would love some opinions or similar experiences.

As a background, I was an only child raised by my mum alone. She had a pretty awful upbringing and did her best but our relationship really fell apart in my teens. I was a good kid but we would have screaming matches and she was quite emotionally neglectful and would stop speaking to me for weeks at a time from as early as I can remember. I remember I once told her she had something in her teeth (as I thought this was polite) when I was about 7 years old, and she didn’t speak to me for a few days. I was constantly on eggshells and seeking approval and love from her which could be withdrawn at any moment and then given back without warning or explanation.

She was obviously battling some emotional reactivity issues in herself but provided for me well in other ways, ensured I was well educated, always had best dental care etc. I can’t really remember much of my early childhood and I have mild OCD (was much worse when I was a kid but entirely manageable now) which I know can be set off by childhood trauma so I assume I was a pretty stressed kid!

Anyway, I am now an adult and we have an ok relationship, I live very far away but we manage holidays together etc and talk on the phone every few weeks.

However, I find that whenever I share positive stories or plans with her as she will always say something to derail my positive feelings.

And it’s probably innocent from her side but I guess maybe it’s my own fight or flight response or something? But she will say things that just make me feel “icky” in a way I can’t really describe. Like a kind of physical reaction.

As an example, years ago when I was dating a guy from home and super excited and actually planning to move back home to be with him (and thus near her), I shared this with her and she said “oh so you’re playing happy families” sort of disparagingly - not the worst thing in the world to say but it’s almost like she had cursed the whole thing and kind of completely took the shine off our budding romance.

And just now on the phone we were discussing my fiancé and our plans to have a romantic dinner for him to give me my engagement ring (as he proposed without one so we could design together) and she asked “are you two getting along?” - just completely randomly and it just made me feel SO icky like of course we are, we are about to have a really special romantic night why would you ask that?

Somehow her asking the question has really derailed my day and I know it will take me a while to shake this off and not let it “curse” or take the shine off our dinner plans.

We recently had a big family reunion and I found myself telling my aunts (her sisters) about our TTC plans and it was so lovely to share and get their advice, they were positive and fun and normal.

Then they told her about our conversation and she was a bit like “oh so you’re ttc and told them not me?” And I just clammed up physically inside and realised I just hate to share anything special with her as I have this kind of visceral fear that she’ll say something to take the special shine off it?

Anyway, that was a bloody novel so thanks of you got this far. Just looking for some insight into this.

Possibly it’s just my OCD that is causing this reaction in me. But I’m curious to know if any of you with very complicated relationships with their mothers feel similarly about holding their cards close to their chests as things they say kind of ruin the happiness for you? Even if objectively the thing they say isn’t that horrible? That it kind of sparks a reaction in you that’s a bit of an overreaction.

I’m just trying to separate what is a “me” issue and what is a “relationship with mum” issue to develop coping strategies.

Been nc with a similar dm for 20 years.. She used to blame me for things that were broken.. I honestly had no idea what she was on about. Only me and her so looking back it must have been her! Wasn't allowed hot water but she would bathe every day... Interfered in my first adult relationship which saw me end as a single dm. She seemed happy about that. She brainwashed me that all men were bastards. I had a string of relationships without any real guidance or understanding of relationships...nc is blissful op.

Am really sorry that your relationship with your mum is so strained. Unfortunately I can completely relate. Everything positive she will turn in to something awful (usually about her) or say something to make me feel bad. Anything bad that has happened to me... Something worse has happened to her.
Ive spent a lot of time realising that she cant be the mum I want and deserve so lots of grieving the relationship.

You can choose not to let it bother you by dismissing her views or comments that niggle you as unimportant or you can give power to her remarks and let them bother you.

If you can't do this then you have to lessen contact.

My mum is slightly similar and always puts a negative spin on things. I got a brilliant new job, with a good pay rise “I don’t think you will be able to cope, you will make yourself ill”, she just always has to piss on my chips. I also can’t ever mention feeling off colour or upset about anything, or if having medical tests as she will then go on about it relentlessly.

@MariePaperRoses thank you you are right x

She sounds utterly damaged. This was and continues to be nothing to do with you. You sound like a warm, lovable person. You will never be able to control what she says or does to you, only your reaction to it. If you can not control your emotional responses to her and your feelings become unmanageable for you then you always have the choice to reduce or stop the contact you have with her.

In every example you gave she is absolutely saying something negative.

I think it might help for you to recognize it is negative and intentionally so.

Though in the happy families example she was being critical of you moving in together without being married, I think? Which is a bit different than just trying to ruin your plans out of cruelty.

My MIL is similar. Just one small example, just before our holiday she said ‘I hope it’s not too bad’! Errrr, it’s a holiday not a prison camp. And everything always has a negative spin to it. However, she did have a hard time in her teens losing both parents and a difficult early adulthood which sounds like your mum may have had too.

I think sometimes when life deals a bad card there is a tendency in some people to then expect bad things to continue happening and this spills over into how they expect other people’s lives to go. I don’t think MIL even realises this is how she is. She’s such a joy hoover. No real words of advice other than don’t let it taint your own outlook on life and try and avoid becoming the same!

All if the examples were related to your relationships. Is that the norm? She seems to have issues surrounding you getting married and intentionally starting a family. Related to her own life and not having that kind of stability?

Your mother sounds like mine.

Google Narcissist.

I can relate to this as well. My DM did not have a good upbringing and then her 20's were pretty awful too. My DM has issues and her comments that she thinks are helpful are not. DH thinks she needs to get help and may be bipolar (this is not a throwaway comment before people come at me....we genuinely see characteristics, but she refuses to see a GP or have therapy). I now let her comments roll off me and I think to myself that she does love me, but she doesn't know how to show it due to what happened to her as a child. It's not easy and I find that I choose when to let her in and when not to. I have weeks where I call and chat to her and weeks when I need a break, I don't contact her. It's not easy and this is NOT your fault. I wish you and your fiancé all the very best for the future. Congrats on your engagement x

(Edited for grammatical corrections)

You sound like you have come out of a difficult childhood very well. Not speaking to a 7 year old is unspeakably cruel, even for an hour, its just the thought of that kind of bullying is horrible.

I think every time she makes a comment you either have to completely ignore, she may step it up, as I think people like this do it to get a reaction, or call her out calmly. But if you start asking why she would say that it will open a can of worms so .......you will have that to deal with.

My mum is nothing like that, but what I would suggest is every time your mum pulls that shit, you say "Well I have to go now - talk to you soon," and end the conversation. If she sulks or complains you do exactly the same thing. She will either learn or not learn, and either way you won't have to pretend it's ok or get into a pointless argument.

She sounds pretty unpleasant, regardless of the reasons for that

I can relate in that my ex MIL and SIL were of similar behaviours to your mother @Brontesaurus1 . It is narcissistic behaviour, designed to make you doubt yourself and lose confidence in your plans and happiness. My suggestion is that you tell your mother as little as possible about your life, keep it to the price of fish if you need to speak to her, and grey rock all the way.

Once you see the behaviour for what it is and have a little understanding you can start to protect yourself

You cannot change her - but you can change how you react to her. That is in your hands. Make up your mind not to let her spoil your happiness; assign her comments to the bin before they have barely left her mouth. Just smile and nod.

DO not share your life with her. Not a peppercorn, at the end of the day she is not that interested. Support her for the few years that she has in front of her and for your own sake not hers forgive her by being her radical opposite. All the best op.

I can relate to this. My mum used to give me silent treatment when I was a kid and still does.

She cannot stand the fact I visit my dad and he visits me. They divorced when I was 2. I'm now 40

I can tell what mood she's in just by how many kisses she puts at the end of a text message. I hate talking to her on the phone because she always makes a nasty comment.

Last year she implied I had no friends, nothing, no job or money. It was weird as I have lots of friends, a job, a husband and a nice house and a gorgeous child.

She said "you might as well move away. You have nothing keeping you here"

I think she wanted me to grovel and say "oh but I have you mum!" But no, my DH heard it, came in and said "Great idea. Let's look at houses online" and opened Rightmove on his laptop!

😂 the colour drained from her face and she pursed her lips.

Anyway, my advice is to only visit her when your DH is with you. Only talk to her when she's on speaker phone or keep to texting only so you have a trail.

I spoke to a therapist about my mother troubles and she said there's a whole generation of them! (Its literally so common at the moment!)

There's a book I can recommend and it's called

"Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers"

Oh yes and be so vague that she can no longer nitpick at your life.

Absolutely this.

I would seek out a surrogate mum whether in your aunties or someone close, reframe your relationship with mum. Sad to say, and it's quite common, the very people you want/should have as your support system/ cheer leaders will fail you, whether intentionally or deliberately.

Thanks @AliceOlive it helps to have you validate my feelings and yes you are correct this is the pattern, or it’s the comments I notice the most anyway - she is frequently negative about a lot (having a holiday with her this year was eye opening!). Although just now I remember when I got my current job which was a 30% pay increase and she was disparaging about the salary which upset me too. So she doesn’t limit herself to just taking the shine off relationship stuff!

Thanks so much @Lulubo1 I think she is very similar to what you describe. I think your coping strategy is a good one. She is going through therapy and I recognise when she consciously makes an effort, it’s almost like she blurts out the negative comments but then recognises it and tries to make amends - but this never extends to acknowledging she said something off colour, she’ll just attempt to be positive again whilst I’m still reeling from the previous comments 😅. It was a mistake to pick up the phone today as I’m not in a good headspace to let the comments roll off and was looking forward to a relaxing day of much needed annual leave 😞

@Retrievemysanity that’s very true and I think this is where her attitude comes from. I have so much sympathy for her but it does impact me too.

I liken negative people/comments to collecting shells on the beach.

You pick up the pretty ones to keep and take home with you. I have a succulent area in my garden and I like to put the pretty shells amongst them.

Ones that are broken or not as nice when you pick them up, you put back and never think of them again.

It's the same with people and comments. You can allow the nice things to remain in your head/thoughts and the ugly ones you can not give another thought to.

@MariePaperRoses ❤️❤️

Perhaps it would be better if you stop having conversations with her about things like that, and stick to everyday topics. She seems to have the urge to take the wind out of your sails, so steer clear of anything positive about yourself and your relationship, and talk about the weather, gardening, pets or tv programmes instead.

She clearly has issues going back many years. She had a bad upbringing and was then a lone parent, so life hasn't been kind to her, and those circumstances must have affected her considerably.

I've said it on here before, the key is to emotionally detach from her. My mum has critised me all my life, while also praising me for some things to keep me on the hop. My brother is the golden boy despite being an alcoholic and a financial disaster until three years ago. Mum would always find something to criticise about me, my house, my cooking etc. She started on my daughter and my son in law tore her apart in a jocular way, but meant every word. My friends saw it all before I did. So I would visit her and when she started being negative, I would leave. It could be after ten minutes or half an hour. She eventually stopped being negative. At family dinners we played criticism bingo. I never showed her what she said was hurtful.
Now she's in hospital and has no short term memory and is actually pleasant to me. I'll take that!

And yes, I stopped sharing anything important or meaningful with her. It wasn't worth the barbed comments which I would fret over