Does anyone feel this way about their mother?

[Brontesaurus1]

I’ve gone NC for this. I’ve just got off the phone with my mum and am once again so disturbed by her probably innocent comments and I’m just seeking some insight into my reactions. I’m aware the examples below are hardly ground breakingly awful but the way they effect me can derail a whole day so I would love some opinions or similar experiences.

As a background, I was an only child raised by my mum alone. She had a pretty awful upbringing and did her best but our relationship really fell apart in my teens. I was a good kid but we would have screaming matches and she was quite emotionally neglectful and would stop speaking to me for weeks at a time from as early as I can remember. I remember I once told her she had something in her teeth (as I thought this was polite) when I was about 7 years old, and she didn’t speak to me for a few days. I was constantly on eggshells and seeking approval and love from her which could be withdrawn at any moment and then given back without warning or explanation.

She was obviously battling some emotional reactivity issues in herself but provided for me well in other ways, ensured I was well educated, always had best dental care etc. I can’t really remember much of my early childhood and I have mild OCD (was much worse when I was a kid but entirely manageable now) which I know can be set off by childhood trauma so I assume I was a pretty stressed kid!

Anyway, I am now an adult and we have an ok relationship, I live very far away but we manage holidays together etc and talk on the phone every few weeks.

However, I find that whenever I share positive stories or plans with her as she will always say something to derail my positive feelings.

And it’s probably innocent from her side but I guess maybe it’s my own fight or flight response or something? But she will say things that just make me feel “icky” in a way I can’t really describe. Like a kind of physical reaction.

As an example, years ago when I was dating a guy from home and super excited and actually planning to move back home to be with him (and thus near her), I shared this with her and she said “oh so you’re playing happy families” sort of disparagingly - not the worst thing in the world to say but it’s almost like she had cursed the whole thing and kind of completely took the shine off our budding romance.

And just now on the phone we were discussing my fiancé and our plans to have a romantic dinner for him to give me my engagement ring (as he proposed without one so we could design together) and she asked “are you two getting along?” - just completely randomly and it just made me feel SO icky like of course we are, we are about to have a really special romantic night why would you ask that?

Somehow her asking the question has really derailed my day and I know it will take me a while to shake this off and not let it “curse” or take the shine off our dinner plans.

We recently had a big family reunion and I found myself telling my aunts (her sisters) about our TTC plans and it was so lovely to share and get their advice, they were positive and fun and normal.

Then they told her about our conversation and she was a bit like “oh so you’re ttc and told them not me?” And I just clammed up physically inside and realised I just hate to share anything special with her as I have this kind of visceral fear that she’ll say something to take the special shine off it?

Anyway, that was a bloody novel so thanks of you got this far. Just looking for some insight into this.

Possibly it’s just my OCD that is causing this reaction in me. But I’m curious to know if any of you with very complicated relationships with their mothers feel similarly about holding their cards close to their chests as things they say kind of ruin the happiness for you? Even if objectively the thing they say isn’t that horrible? That it kind of sparks a reaction in you that’s a bit of an overreaction.

I’m just trying to separate what is a “me” issue and what is a “relationship with mum” issue to develop coping strategies.

Mine is exactly the same with the comments. I just tell her nothing of substance anymore and ignore her when she does it. I rarely see her now but when she can be bothered to come and see her grandchildren everyone knows not to feed into her nonsense. It's a reflection on her, OP, not you. But you're absolutely not alone.

it was my birthday

People with strong narcissistic tendencies hate other people's birthdays. She intentionally walked away so she could set you up for her plan to ruin your birthday and remember it forever.

Do not feel guilty for wanting to avoid the feelings your mother's behaviour instills in you, she knows what she's doing.

I'll join in here as well. I'm nodding along to most people's posts here. These days I don't divulge much.

How's work? Fine, busy. How's DH? he's good thanks. Hows DS. Great, thriving and enjoying school and sport. Luckily all she's interested in is chattering non stop about something else to me and I can actually barely even get those minimal answers into any conversation.

And that suits me just fine really. Because anything I would tell her gets re-written or reframed, and she makes up all kinds of shit anyway so there's no point talking to her. I met her for lunch and for the total 45 mins she spent it bitching about her latest scapegoat.

I used to be the scapegoat but I'm the only one who lives near her so as much as it must stick in her craw, she's calculating enough to realise that I'm going to be the only one around in her old age that might be willing to help her.

She also knows that I don't bother with people that hurt me. That I'm not remotely interested in trying to fix relationships with people that I didn't break. She's seen me go NC with toxic relatives and I think she suspects that I would be hard faced enough to do it to her if she pissed me of enough. So for now, she's behaving. And I'm quietly lending support to her latest target. I'm quite the expert, sadly!

With regards to changing things and not repeating mistakes. As a mother now I have to say my DC do not know that much about me and my personal life. They don’t know my inner thoughts and feelings half the time and rightly so. They know all the things children should know, what I like to eat and music I like and where I went to school and what might piss me off in the house but they don’t know all the stuff I know about my mother that I never wanted to know about and hopefully I haven’t inflicted my own childhood onto them

I like that!

I hear some Americans frame it as Automatic Negative Thoughts. Squash those ANTs!

My DM's like that as well, then she wonders why I am LC with her.

Her and my Dad have been married for aeons and I speak to him every day, sometimes a few times a day, however I would only call her once every few weeks, if that. What with everything else going on in my life, I don't always have the energy for her negativity.

My dad was grumpy, a real buzz killington and quite hypercritical. Unresolved teenage trauma I think plus very little emotional intelligence, untreated low thyroid (for many years) and depression, insecurity- very much a chin up and get on with it attitude, never listened to his body. Underneath there was a good, kind, safe, solid, loving, actually soft-hearted man. He annoyed the tits off me at times and we clashed but also got on- I just stuck to safe topics in the end - sport, mostly!

My mum is and was very much his opposite in some ways but has her own issues - her parents were illogically strict and somewhat neglectful in some ways- they were quite young when they had her - 20 - and then separated by war straight away. She didn't get to know her dad until she was at school as he was away in WW2. She's a bit anal and overly anxious at times and hypercritical of others - not me- especially women. We get on very well though most of the time. She is kind, generous, loving, those are the important bits.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat, you're right about not accepting it from anybody else or owing her. Especially since I have tried to have conversations about some issues. However, she isn't a narcissist and as @Brontesaurus1 said, I feel a lot of the behaviour is down to a wild nervous system most probably brought on from previous trauma. That's why it feels so sad at times. She was a good mother to me growing up (not perfect, but none are) but her issues are more clear to me as I age and the dynamic between us is strange and inauthentic. It's tricky and I can detach myself for self protection quite often but more than anything I just find it all sad and wish I had a normal mother daughter relationship.

Her best was not good enough. Her past traumatic childhood and adolesance is one of many reasons, but that is absolutely no justification for how you've been treated. Many people have traumatic and or otherwise crap childhoods and go on to not choose to act like your mother has done. She did not seek nor perhaps even wanted to seek the necessary help. Also she has likely never apologised nor has really accepted any responsibility for her actions.

She had a choice when it came to you and your siblings and basically repeated what was done to her in childhood (this sort of toxic crap does indeed go down the generations). This has now stopped at you because you do not treat your children in the ways you were yourself treated. Re your last sentence you will indeed need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got.